Roses By My Kitchen Sink

Roses By My Kitchen Sink 

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

9/9/23

I accidentally broke a branch off one of my rosebushes the other day. I put it in a glass of water by my kitchen sink and the buds started blooming. So, I've been taking pictures every day.

I was thinking about life and God's love for us. Our lives are like rosesbushes. The branches are thorny and if you do not hold them just right you can get stuck and sometimes bleed. It is the same with relationships. Sometimes life sends us for a spin and something happens that we did not plan good and bad. Yet, just like the branch of a rosebush that gets knocked off and still blooms if kept in water; If we remain still in God's love we will continue to live and even bloom when we are broken. I am so completely grateful for God's unconditional, never-ending love today. Thank you Lord for giving me beauty in the midst of life's thorns!

Undistancing Old Friends

Undistancing Old Friends

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

8/19/23

Warning! This is writing is pretty long, if you do not like it, scroll on and unfriend or stop following me. Otherwise forge ahead and try to hear my heart.

I was asked the following question from a "new" friend in LOYT. We are self appointed (more like divinely appointed) accountability partners too. My answer/discussion is below.

QUESTION: 

What do you think would happen if you tried to  lessen the distance between you and those friends that you have put some miles between?

ANSWER: 

This is a tough question for me to answer. I have been mulling this over for some time. Before I get started I feel I must explain that friendship to me is not some shallow, placating relationship. If I call you my friend, you are in my innermost circle, where I rarely allow anyone to be. This space is reserved only for the few I truly trust with my heart. I know what is said between those in my innermost circle and myself will never go any further. So, friendship is very sacred to me.

I realize you and I have not met face-to-face and we have not known eachother long. However, what the Spirit knows, the Spirit knows. I cannot explain it other than to say that I know God brought us together for a reason and hopefully it is for way more than one season. We are like kindred Spirits who have always known eachother, maybe in another lifetime, who knows? So here goes with my answer.

I have always been a loner. I do not know why. As a kid I was not interested in social gatherings. I thought girls were drama queens and I did not waste my time with them. I was an artist and I preferred to do art instead of play back-biting schoolgirl games. Looking back, I do remember this one girl named Becky. She tried to be my friend for longest time. She called me often just to talk and invited me to various functions but I never went. At the same time I was being subjected to abuse from family members. I did not tell anyone because I figured it would not do any good. So, I suspect part of my keeping her at bay was because I was in survival mode and shut down inside. I have always regretted not investing in a friendship with her back then. It is worth noting that I started drinking alcohol and smoking at the age of 10, yet another reason for distance.

Fast forward to adulthood. By the time I was 21 years old I was married with 2 kids under the age of 3. My marriage was a mess. We were both alcoholic/addicts. My husband was physically and emotionally abusive to me so there was no room in my life for true friendships. I finally got divorced, went to treatment, got sober and started my sobriety journey in 1986. I had female sponsors in AA who led through the 12 steps but still no real friends. 

I met a woman when I had about 5 years sober who became a very close friend for 20+ years. We told eachother everything and walked through life together. I had a couple of other female friends too in that timespan. Over those 2 decades I was married and divorced 3 times. I'm on my 4th and last marriage now. 

All of these so-called friends tended to be judgemental of my walk in life. They would get mad at me for not leaving my jacked up marriages fast enough. They would periodically just stop talking to me because I "lived in the problem" too long according to their standards. I never shut them out of my life no matter whether I agreed with their choices or not. I still to this day do not understand how one can say they are your friend, yet judge you at the same time.

So, in 2020 when things started unraveling around me and I found out brain surgery was coming in my near future, all of my so-called friends scattered like roaches, nowhere to be found except for my one friend who I will call Jane in order to protect her anonymity. I figured the others were never really my friends, they were just takers and negative nannies in my life, so I moved on.

Jane and I remained friends. We were both recovering alcoholics. We talked every day, met for coffee, and often prayed together about situations that we were troubled by. Then one day Jane relapsed and started drinking again. I still maintained a relationship with her and we still talked every day. I kept hoping she'd get sober again. 

Long story short, at the beginning of the pandemic alcohol took its toll on her. She was losing her mind and at death's doorstep. Finally, one day her husband and I got her to go by ambulance to ER and they admitted her. No one could see her due to COVID protocols and the shutdown. She ended up in long-term treatment because she pickled her brain with alcohol.

I went from talking to Jane everyday for years to not knowing if she was alive or dead for months. It broke my heart. Then one day, out of the blue she called me. She remembered me and things like who I was married to and my kids but she thought we were college roommates too. She wanted to know why I wasn't home for dinner yet. This was devastating to me. Here is this woman who I had known and loved for years and she barley remembered me.

When someone close to you dies its devastating. However, when someone you love deeply loses their mind through alcoholism, alzheimers, dementia or something like that; in some ways its worse than death. Eventually I had to stop answering the phone to save my own sanity because to hear her voice stirred everything up in me all over, again and again. How do you grieve that kind of loss? 

After brain surgery even Jane was gone. Then my parents got sick, my dad and stepdad died, I moved my mom back from Florida and she stayed with me till she got back on her feet. I was being pulled in a thousand different directions all while continuing to work full time. Was I stressed? Who wouldn't be?!

I tried to reconnect with my old friends but they treated me like I was not there. They didn't want to listen to what was "really going on" in my life. They were too busy or whatever excuse they had. I don't expect any friend to fix me, nor do I expect them to do all the heavy lifting in our relationship. Yet, when I am the one always making the effort and the other one doesn't; at some point it becomes obvious that it's all a one-sided relationship.

So, metaphorically speaking, I figured the road runs both ways and I was the only one driving on it. I stopped making contact. After a few months of silence went by I reached out to each one and asked why the distance. Every one of them said it was because my life was too complicated for them. I never replied back. I just moved on.

I never based friendship with someone on how uncomplicated or perfect their life was. I just loved them where they were at and tried to shoulder their burdens with them. I'm not perfect. I'm not angry with my old friends. If anything I'm deeply hurt at being thrown away so easily! I am also angry at myself for not realizing they were not really friends in the first place. They were only takers and I was an easy mark.

So, in my mind, what would happen if I lessened the distance between me and my old friends is that I would be sucked dry by them too. Honestly, there isn't much left of me to give to takers if that makes sense. Between grieving the losses I have had, especially my dad, and other problems in my life I do not have much left inside of me to give to a one-sided friendship that contributes nothing positive to my life. Note: I even feel guilty for saying that, but it's true.

Anyways, I have spent alot of time alone in my innermost circle. I've been working on me. Maybe I will never lessen the distance with these old friends, just bury those relationships in the past and build healthier ones in the future.

I feel like I should apologize for this diatribe I have written but I'm not going to. This is me. I'm too wordy and awkward at best most days in any relationship. Yet, I believe God has divinely appointed us to travel this journey together for now. So here I am girl! WYSIWYG! I am messed up inside. I'm not perfect, nor do I expect you to be. You are one of the very few whom I call friend in my "new" normal and my "new" life that God is rebuilding for me.

So, welcome to my innermost circle! I pray God richly blesses you each and every day.

In the Grip of His Amazing Grace,

Andrea 💜

Grief Is a Fickle Mistress

Grief Is a Fickle Mistress

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

8/18/23

Grief is a
Fickle mistress
One minute
I think I am free
The next
She blind sides me
Grabs my throat
Its hard to breath
Slams my heart
To the ground
I fall apart
A tunsmi of tears
Overtake me
And I cannot see

Memories flood
My mind of
All the time
All the years
We spent together
Just trying
To swim
When one
Would tire
The other
Was there
Like a life vest
To keep our heads
Above the water
So we could
Find rest
And live to fight
Another day

I know you are here
Right by my side
I see you
In the twinkle of
Our grandkids eyes
In the smiles of
My children
In the laughter of
My friends

Yet my heart
Still aches
With throbbing pain
So deep
And the tears
Oh the tears
They never cease
Will I ever
Find relief

I know I must not
Disconnect
I need to stay
Present
And feel
So I can heal
And find peace

Yet the tears
Keep rolling
Because I lost
My very beginning
My best friend
Oh please tell me
When will this
Nightmare end

I have no clue
How to thrive
Or move forward
All I know
Is how to
Survive
Please Lord tell me
What to do

I am working hard
To come back
To myself
To find peace
In the midst of this hell
I have got to
Find relief
I am grasping at
Keys
Trying every door
In hopes
That one will open
And soothe
My aching soul

So I will
Keep trudging
The path
Set before me
Try to remember
The wisdom
You gave me
God and family first
Love above all else

Your body is gone
And oh how miss you
Yet I know
Your spirit
Your essence
And love
Will always
Be with me
Till we meet again

I love you Daddy 💜😢💖🐸

Is There a Reason

Is There a Reason

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

8/13/23

Is there a reason

You sit

On the porch

All day

Laugh and tell jokes

When you call all

Your friends

Do you think

I don't notice

When you finally

Come in

You have

Nothing to say

Wish I'd just

Go away

Is there a reason

You stop everything 

Just for your boss 

Kiss her ass and

Do anything

Whenever asked

Yet ignore me

Like you wish

I'd get lost

Is there a reason

You light up

Like Christmas 

Give big hugs

And pat backs

When you see

A mere friend

Yet you

Won't touch me

Or give me

Even a kiss 

Is there a reason

You think

It's okay

To ignore me

When I've told you

The cold

Breaks my heart

Please come

Warm me

Is there a reason

You don't

Love me 

I'm not stupid

It shows

I just want know

Before I give up

Disappear

Forever

And just go

Keep Shining My Little Light

Keep Shining My Little Light

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

8/12/23

I was not going to share this but, after reading this maybe you will understand why I did. Yes, my writing about it is a little long. However, I refuse to apologize for it. Writing is part of who I am. Please understand what you are about to read is NOT about religion or "all" churches. It is about my recent experience of being deeply hurt by one. 

I had a situation a few months ago that broke me in two about my writing. I have not told anyone about it until now. It was too embarrassing. At the time, I was doing all I could to stay connected and active in a local church because of the tremendous grief and depression I felt due to all the loss I had been through. Church leadership knew first hand about all the hell I had been through and my dad dying. They actually had recently officiated my stepdad's funeral. So, in my mind there was no excuse for what happened.

The church started an online Bible study and the associate pastor asked me to be a part of it. He wanted me to help get people involved. I reluctantly agreed. The topic of discussion one day reminded me of a story I wrote years ago about milemarkers. I really felt like God wanted me to share it because someone needed to read it. So, I posted it. It was not anything rude or inappropriate for a "church" audience so I figured it was okay. A few people actually liked it. 

A couple of days later I got a text from the associate pastor telling me that I was scaring people off and to not post long stories ever again, only links. When he texted me, I happened to be in my artroom bawling my eyes out over my dad. His text made the way I felt a thousand times worse. I did not reply to him and still have not done so. I have nothing good to say to him so why say anything at all?

I gave myself a day to cool off. Then, I deleted all posts I had made, deleted my account and uninstalled the church app. I called the church secretary and told her to take me off membership, that I would no longer attend there. A few days later, the pastor called all apologetic and begged me to come back. I politely refused and I have not and will not go back.

I have been so deeply hurt by this that I am afraid to post my writings. I never was afraid before. Now, I go through this mental masturbation before I can finally give myself permission to post anything for fear of being ridiculed and shutdown again.

Sadly, once again, I am reminded that most (not all) churches would not recognize Jesus if He sat down next to them during the service. They would be too busy kicking Him out because He did not fit their mold of what He "should" look like. Instead of loving people where they are at and trying to help them heal, they are too busy killing their wounded because the reality they are living is not pretty. They sure tried to kill my spirit. THEY DID NOT SUCCEED!!

It makes me angry that people who preach so eloquently on God's amazing love and tender mercy on Sundays will kick someone when they are down like they did me. How dare them tell me to hide the light God gave me!! 

That is why part of the reason one of my commitments in the next 90 days is to share my voice and gifts God gave me. I do not care how scared I am to post my writings. I will do it because it is healing for me and it is part of who am. It is part of the purpose God gave me for my life. To not do it is like fire being locked in my soul. So, I hope everyone can give a little grace and let me keep shining my little light. 

In His Grip,

Andrea 💜

90 Days and My Life Purpose

90 Days and My Life Purpose

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

8/10/23

I joined a group on Facebook called Gratitude Slam a couple of months ago. One thing lead to another and I ended up attending a virtual retreat lead by MIC and E-Rad, two very awesome life coaches. Now I am part of a 90 day cohort in their program call Life On Your Terms (LOYT).

Part of the work I did at the retreat was to determine my life purpose and 2 results I would like to see in the next 90 days. These things also dovetail into the LOYT program. So, this is my proclamation of the results or goals I want achieve in the next 90 days and the actions I am committing to myself and my trusted LOYT cohort to take.

The 2 results I would like to see in the next 90 days are:

1. I want to feel more optimistic about my future.

2. I want to get my focus aka my internal compass back so I can make better decisions and choices for my future.

OPTIMISM

This is important to me because I know I will slip into a deep depression if I keep going like I have been in the past couple of years. I am a recovering alcoholic and depression leads to drinking and drinking leads to death. I am not willing to rest on my laurels any longer.

The actions I commit to take in the next 90 days to work toward more optimism are:

1. Attend and DO THE WORK in LOYT.

2. Connect with others in the Gratitude Slam group.

3. Focus on MYSELF and MY needs FIRST.

4. Say “NO” more when I am tired or drained.

5. Continue to do things that honor my Dad like finishing his blanket of valor, writing stories about him and decorating his grave with flowers as often as possible.

6. Make a concentrated effort to focus on positive things coming in the future (my twin great-grandbabies).

GET FOCUS/INTERNAL COMPASS BACK

This is important to me because I feel like life has slammed me to the ground over and over again. I had brain surgery in 2020; my mom nearly died in summer of 2021 and my stepdad did die from COVID at the same time; I moved my mom back from Florida to Oklahoma by myself in September 2021; my dad got sick in October 2021 and died on February 11, 2022. I held his hand until he died. I have felt completely lost since my Dad died. I cannot imagine my future, much less what I want and need for my day to day life. I feel like my internal compass is obliterated. I MUST get it back. I cannot go on the way I am.

The actions I commit to take in the next 90 days to work toward getting my focus/internal compass back are:

1. Attend and DO THE WORK in LOYT.

2. Set small, achievable goals for myself. Remember, progress not perfection!

3. Create a vision board for my own personal future desires and goals and start taking action toward them.

4. Reach out more to others. Stop isolating!

5. Focus on my life purpose.

6. Focus on my values and what I honor in life.

MY LIFE PURPOSE

My life scripture is from the Bible in Isaiah 58:6-12:

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: To loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— When you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.”

Part of my life purpose comes from this scripture. It is “repairer of people with broken walls.”

MY LIFE PURPOSE IS

To carry the message of hope, gratitude and love to my family , friends and others I meet along my journey through life each day. By doing this I will help the lost and hurting rebuild their broken lives.

KEYS & PRINCIPLES

In order to live out my purpose I will continue to face the obstacles and grief I am now in. I want to find freedom from the depression that has plagued me for so long. I want to show my children, grandchildren and soon coning great-grandbabies by example that no matter how difficult life gets there is always something positive to focus on.

The keys and principles I received from the retreat will help me to achieve the results I want in 90 days. They will also help me continue to heal, grow and live my life purpose. These are my keys and principles.

1. Middle C

As long as I choose to attempt to shut out the low notes, the opposite high notes are canceled out too. Eventually all I have left is middle C. Then, the music inside me becomes dull and lifeless and I cannot hear the beautiful orchestra of life.

I will feel/acknowledge all feelings (high/low good/bad positive/negative). For to deny a negative one cancels out a positive one. Eventually if I deny feelings long enough, the Orchestra of life will stop playing around me and my world will turn dull.

I WILL NOT LET THE MUSIC DIE INSIDE ME!!

2. Color

I will endeavor to bring the color back into my world.

Living in the numbing gray of disassociation helps no one and will kill my dreams.

When I take on the feelings of others and allow them to suck the life out of me, my point of view and life turns to a dull and saddening gray.

If I want the colors of the rainbow back in my life I must learn to focus on ME first and care for myself first. I must acknowledge and accept my feelings high and low, without judgment.

When I do not do this everything fades to gray, the music inside me dies, I become a dry well and I lose all the beautiful colors I love so much.

I cannot give what I do have inside myself. So, I must do the work on myself in order to be present in my life, then I can help others and get my rainbow back.

3. Orchestra

If I want to hear the full orchestra again in my life I must take action every day to heal myself. Part of that action was to join LOYT. I DESERVE TO LIVE LIFE ON MY TERMS!!!

4. Isolation/Connection

One of the biggest keys I experienced during the retreat was isolation/connection.

When I was not able to fully participate because of issues with Zoom it forced me to feel the deepness of the isolation I have allowed in my life. It made me realize that I have been on the autopilot of survival mode and have shut everyone out for a long time. This is due mainly from being so completely devastated from the death of my father and other issues in my life.

This experience also made me understand how deeply the isolation feels from those who supposedly love me the most.

It also taught me how vitally important it is to seek out and maintain healthy connection with others. The action I have taken so far to do this is being an active participant in Gratitude Slam, NTD, Positive Mindset Retreat and joining LOYT.

I will stop isolating from everyone. I will make myself more open to others I meet on life’s path.

5. Compass

I will take actions to tune in to my internal compass so I can find my way back to me. Being lost just leaves me spinning around in the mud puddle and helps no one.

Some of the actions I will take are attending LOYT and doing the work and remaining active in Gratitude Slam.

By taking these actions I will be able to shut up Congress in my head. This will enable me to focus on my internal compass again.

6. Values

Humility: I will be humble and ask for help when I need it. By doing this I will show others it is okay to not be strong all the time.

I will conduct myself with honesty, integrity and compassion in order to be open to those in need.

Courage: I will not be afraid to shine my light for others.

Love: I will love myself FIRST. By putting my needs and desires first, I will be full inside so I can give love to others.

7. Voices

God has blessed me with many creative gifts or voices: writing, painting, sewing to name a few. He gave these gifts to me to be able to reach a person’s heart and show them the love He has for them.

I will use my creative voices to share the message of love with others and help them rebuild their broken walls.

A Message of Love from Heaven

A Message of Love from Heaven

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

8/1/23

This week has been hell. I rushed from Tulsa to Kansas City to be there for my granddaughter, who is having twins and due in February. She has HG aka massively bad, never-ending morning sickness, and was in the hospital. 

The drive from Tulsa to Kansas City is 4 hours. The other night, I threw everything together and rushed out the door. I was exhausted and had planned to rest all evening. But, when one of my family is in trouble, everything goes to the wayside, and I am there for them. About half way there, I saw storm clouds ahead. I called my son, and he said it looked like the storm was heading right toward me. I had just survived a tornado recently, so it threw me into a panic.

The wind and rain started. I began to pray that God would put Holy Ghost bubble wrap around me and my car and protect me. Silly, I know, but when I am scared, I just pray and do not worry about how I sound. I remembered that everyone in this Facebook group called Gratitude Slam and other online friends were praying for my granddaughter, her babies, and my safe travels. 

All of a sudden, it was as if the storms were all around me, but they did not touch me. It was the eeriest, almost Holy kind of calm I have ever experienced this side of Heaven, as if I was in the eye of the storm. I slowed my breathing and switched my focus like Michael, the leader of Gratitude Slam, has taught us. The whole way to Kansas City, the storm never touched me, not even a rain drop.

My granddaughter had gone to one ER, and they sent her to another. Then she got admitted to that hospital. They conveniently forgot to tell us that her OB doctor did not have the privileges to practice there. The admitting doctor refused to transfer her. They never ordered an ultrasound or did anything to check on the babies. They wasted 2 days with us and discharged her even though she was still sick! We ended up at the correct hospital tonight, and they admitted her a few hours ago. 

Now I will get to the point of all this. The ER doctor at this new hospital immediately ordered an ultrasound. I figured they would do it tomorrow. Next thing you know, the ultrasound tech is in the room. I unexpectedly got to see my 2 great-grandbabies!! I stood there with their grandma, my daughter, on a video call watching from New Jersey. Tears of joy rolled down my face. All of a sudden, the storms I had gone through did not matter. The stressful work week fell to the side. The only thing that mattered was these few Holy moments seeing my great-grandbabies on screen, safe and secure in their mother's womb.

My granddaughter's boyfriend and father to these little ones was with us and took pictures of the ultrasound. One of them was the one with this post. It looks to me like they are surrounded by a heart! I know this was my Daddy, who was a twin himself, sending us a sign from Heaven that he, God and all of Heaven are right there surrounding Destiny and these tiny ones with their never ending love and protection.

While sitting there with my granddaughter waiting to get moved to her room, I remembered all the storms I have gone through in life. Many of them never touched me. Sometimes, the very thing we are called to do is the scariest, and it looks like storms are heading right toward us. If we let the fear of the storms around us paralyze us, we will miss the most beautiful, unexpected, Holy moments that God has in store for us just a little ways up the road.

Tonight, I am so grateful for God's love. I am grateful for friends that I have never meant who love me enough to pray for me, Destiny, and the little ones she is carrying. Most of all, I am grateful for the message from my Daddy that reminds me that my beautiful granddaughter and twin great-grandbabies are surrounded by love. ❤️❤️❤️

7 Wisdoms I Am Grateful I Possess Today

7 Wisdoms I Am grateful I Possess Today

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

The 7 Wisdoms I am grateful I possess today are:

1. One is too many, a thousand never enough. If I do not have the first one, I will not have the last one. So, just do not pick up today. 

2. It does not matter if it was the engine or the caboose that hit me. I still got hit by a train. If I do not want to keep getting hit by trains I must learn to spot them and stay out of the way! That means I need to focus on changing the only one I can really change...ME!

3. Rule 62: Do not take myself so damn seriously! Remember to laugh.

4. God has not brought me this far to drop me on my ass now. Trust Him.

5. Trust God and let the path unfold before me. Do not get the bulldozer out a blaze my own path. When I do that, I create bigger messes to clean up and delay God's purpose from happening in my life. 

6. I cannot keep what I have unless I give it away; yet, I cannot give what I do not have. So, I must not forget to put my oxygen mask on first!

7. Death is not the end of a one's life. They simply transition to a different dimension and go Home. We all go Home some day. The love we share crosses all dimensions. If I STFD I am able to feel that love and see the signs they send all around me. STFD!

A Beautiful Sewing Machine and Sacred Memories

A Beautiful Sewing Machine and Sacred Memories

By Andrea Tadpole-Tadpole-Broussard

7/11/23

I have been working on my Dad's blanket of valor for awhile now. I finally got to the homestretch on it and my cheap sewing machine quit on me. So, I started praying and researching sewing machines. I needed one that could handle thick layers of material. It is what they call "heavy duty" now. I found one on Amazon for a few hundred dollars. Supposedly it was heavy duty but everything was plastic on it. So, I was not sure about it. That, and I really did not want to spend that much money.

Through what I believe were some divinely appointed events I met an awesome woman and fellow seamstress on Facebook. I asked her about the machine I found on sale. She planted a seed in my mind to look for a good, older machine because they were made so much better. So, I decided to scroll through Facebook market one last time. I stumbled on an ad for one listed for $75. The guy had a video of it running and it looked brand new. It was still available and my new friend encouraged me to go check it out. I went after work today.

It looked like it had rarely, if ever been used! It was just like the one I learned to sew on as a young girl with my mom and grandmother. Sacred memories flooded my mind as I was checking it out of my mom and grandmother teaching me. So much so that I teared up. Those were beautiful times in my life; treasured moments that I would give anything to have back.

Anyway, it is not the same brand but everything works like I remembered. It has a solid wood cabinet and is gorgeous. It even has a set of cams to embroider with!! It is impeccably clean, no scratches and the manual was still in plastic. I was able to buy it for $65. I got it home and it works great!!

If you had told me a couple of years ago that I would be sewing quilts and loving it, I would have told you that you were crazy. Yet, here I am in a beautiful home I thought I would never have again and I have my own art/quilting room. It is like an oasis and a sacred space for me where I can create. For me creating is my voice and much needed therapy to heal my broken heart.

I am so blown away at God's grace and mercy right now. I started taking some actions in my own inward life to get back to a more positive mindset. It is easy for me to forget that if I put out positive stuff that positive comes back to me. This is another reminder.

I am so grateful tonight for new direction and shifting to positive energy in my life. Thank you God for taking care of me even when I am not perfect and act like Much Afraid or Doubting Thomas. Most of all, thank you for new friends and a beautiful sewing machine that I can create sacred memories with.

New Connections

This is something I wrote about a new online group I joined recently called Gratitude Slam.

New Connections

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

7/9/23

Ok, this is totally disconnected from any questions posed in here recently or maybe it is, I do not know because I just came up for air today. Here goes:

I have been a recluse and hid in my grief from my father dying for many months now. When he died it brought out the ugly big time in my family and I had to cut ties with some people I love deeply in order to protect my own heart. I not only lost my Dad, I lost several family members due to hatefulness and greed on their part. Grieving all this loss took me down hard for awhile. 

I believe in manifestation and the power of positive and negative thinking. I heard someone say years ago, "If you do not like what life is throwing at you, change your thinking." I never forgot it. It might take me a while to recognize and change my thinking but I eventually do.

So, I took a chance and joined this group a few weeks ago. I had no idea what a massive impact this would have on me or the beautiful doors it would open. I have been so lonely. I have barely dipped my toe in the refreshing waters of this group, taken tiny steps and to me made minor changes. Yet, God, now that I invited Him in to the problems I have, has blessed me once again. I do not know why I am always surprised when He does! Believe me, I know I do not deserve it. It is all from His tender loving grace and mercy. 

One thing has led to another and by what some people would call coincidences (not me), God has brought angels in human form into my life. It is as if we were divinely appointed to be in eachother's lives at this specific time and place. God's love continues to blow my mind! So, tonight, I need to express to God and everyone how very grateful I am for new connections in my life.

Ruminating

Ruminating 

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

7/7/23

This question was posed to me today:

What positive evidence exists that you are ruminating less?

I looked up the definition and to ruminate means to think deeply about something. I do not necessarily think that ruminating is a negative thing. It depends on what I am thinking about. Let me give you an example. 

Before I got clean and sober my every waking moment was consumed with thinking and planning how to get my next fix, pill or drink. I would gladly sacrifice all, tell whatever lies I had to, basically do whatever I had to do to get it. Whatever values I had were long gone. My mind was completely obsessed or stuck in never-ending rumination over alcohol and drugs.

The first few months I was sober I went from ruminating over alcohol and drugs to ruminating over the past and all the mistakes and bad choices I made. It got so bad that I nearly relapsed. Then, God put a woman in my life who bulldozed through my BS. She taught me how to change and redirect my thinking to ruminating over "the solution" aka the 12 steps instead of drinking and drugging. 

I reluctantly agreed to work the 12 steps with her. Honestly, some times she drug me through them. I would call crying about something. Her broken record answer would be, "Have you prayed? Did you write your gratitude list today? What step are you on? Are your dishes done? Did you make your bed?" Any time I could not answer her questions she would tell me to call her back when I had those things done. I finally started getting serious about my recovery and would do anything she asked of me so I could stay sober because I knew if I drank again I would surely die or be walking dead which was worse.

I remember sometime around 6 or 9 months sober I was walking through the hall at work and I was smiling. It was not a fake, plastered on smile. It was a smile that came from the very core of my being out. I stopped in mid stride and thought, "I have not smiled like this ever!" Then it dawned on me, I had not thought about drinking in at least a month. For me, this was a miracle and still is today!! That was my first of many spiritual awakenings.

In the process of reflecting on ruminating tonight, I realized that after my Dad died it was like a major shot to everything inside me. I truly believe God's grace has kept me from relapsing until I could get back up and start using the tools again that this woman gave me so many years ago.

Today, my thinking is clearer and more focused. I am not dithering in circles. The smile is growing inside me again. I am so thankful that God, the Universe, the primordial ooze or whatever you choose to call it has lead me to this group. Michael and every member have helped me find myself again, for that I am truly grateful! I look forward to reading and posting every day. Finally, I am ruminating on something positive again. Like I said, ruminating is not a bad thing if I am focused on the positive things! ❤️ 

P.S. if you want to find a group that is awesome look up Gratitude Slam on Facebook. Michael Ian Cedar is the leader and he is amazing! He is the one who posed this question.

37 Years Sober

37 Years Sober

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

7/5/1986

Today I quietly celebrated 37 years sober. To say that I am grateful is a huge understatement. There are several angels that I owe my life to. They were there in the beginning and continued to love me and guide me through the 12 steps Carla McHenry, her brother Lewis, Harold Inman, George Gibbs, Bonnie, Beverly and Ozart, and so many others. They believed in me when I could find nothing to believe in much less myself.

When I look at all I have been through since I got sober, my heart feels so blown away. Here I was this 10 foot tall, bullet proof, pissed off at the world, 23 year old girl. At least that is the attitude I projected to everyone to keep people away. My whole life revolved around finding and using alcohol and drugs to the point I nearly lost custody of my kids. It was only God's grace that kept us together.

I have been so blessed since I got sober. Life has not been perfect. I have made many mistakes and stupid choices along the way. Yet, God has always been there for me. His grace and mercy are neverending.

I have been fortunate enough to raise my children, Sedrick and Alicia and they are beautiful adults now They make me proud. They have given me the most amazing grandchildren!

Destiny, Kaylee, Bella, Courtney and Michael all have my heart. I see the future in their eyes. My oldest granddaughter Destiny is going to make me a great-grandmother soon too! How awesome is that?

I know that without my sobriety I would have died many years ago. I would have missed out on some of the most beautiful moments with my family. Those are things money cannot buy. So, I am very grateful to God for keeping me clean and sober one day at a time since 7/5/1986.

Reflection

My word 1-word intention for the week is REFLECTION.  Wednesday I celebrate my 37th year sober and I have always taken the week of my "rebirth" day to reflect upon where I was on July 4, 1986 and my journey since then. In honor of God's grace and mercy in my life and my indescribable gratitude to my Creator for my sobriety I offer this writing that I did a few years ago. It still rings true today.

Mile Markers

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

1/5/2020

I am a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober since 7/5/1986. I have stayed sober through God's grace and mercy and with the help of a 12 step program. Along my journey, God has blessed me with different women who have been my spiritual teachers. I call these women my sponsors. Believe me, I would not be here without them. They have given freely of themselves and taught me how to use many spiritual tools in my sober life.

I was headed home yesterday from grocery shopping and I started thinking about stuff going on in my life. Most of it I cannot control and I was worrying about it. I started talking out loud to God about it while driving down the road. Then out of nowhere I heard Him say, "Where are your mile markers Andrea?" See, my sponsor told me many years ago to make sure and erect mile markers in my life. These mile markers are things that I can look back on that I could see the hand of God working in my life. They will help me have faith when life is hard. They will remind me that God has never left me and never will.

So, I started thinking about my mile markers. I remembered a time when I was 23 or 24 years old. I was in the first 6 to 9 months of my sobriety. My children were 2 and 4 years old. I was a single mom, attending college and very active in 12 step meetings. I had a work study job at the school but money was tight. 

This one particular night it was a few days before payday. I had a couple of dollars left. I stood there putting my last few dollars in my gas tank and thinking I could go to my 12 step meeting and make coffee as I had committed to do and I would not have enough gas to get to class the next day. Or, I could skip the meeting, go home and make it to class the next day. I stood there debating in my mind what to do. Then I thought if I do not have my sobriety I will lose my children and school will be a faded memory so I better go to my meeting. I said a prayer and asked God to take care of me. No one knew of that prayer but me and God.

I showed up early to my meeting and was making coffee. One of the old timers came in. His name was Harold Inman. He had been sober longer than I had been alive and he was like a grandfather to me. He always encouraged me. I remember him telling of being in prison and having to put cardboard in his shoes because he had holes in them and would rather blow his money on booze than buy new shoes. Yet, here he was a fine and intelligent man. He worked for attorneys and judges and was esteemed by them all. I had the greatest respect and admiration for him.

After Harold and I got the meeting set up people started coming in. We were busy greeting them. Right before the meeting started Harold called me down the hall away from everyone. He hugged me and slipped $60 in my hand. I started crying because I had not told anyone about my earlier prayer at the gas pump. I told him I could not take the money because I could not pay it back. He said, "Andrea, God told me to do this. I never said you had to pay it back. Just pay it forward some day." I thanked him and promised him I would. I was able to fill my gas tank, get food for my kids for a few days and make it through till my next payday.

I will never forget that milemarker. For me, it was a holy, sacred moment when I saw God in a man. Harold and I remained friends until he went to be with the Lord. I paid it forward many times, still do in different ways. Harold taught me that.

Life gets crazy and scary at times. Everyone says, "It will all work out and I am praying for you." Once in awhile, God speaks to someone who is listening and brings an angel to take care of us. I am so grateful for those angels today. I am blessed with many mile markers. So, tonight I am going to remember them and rest in His blessed assurance that everything will be alright. He has never left me and never will.

P.S. I am very grateful for Michael Ian Cedar and everyone in Gratitude Slam. What an awesome mile marker this is!! 💜💜💜

Thoughts On My Life

Thoughts On My Life

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

6/17/23

I have had a lot of major stress going on for a very long time. I had brain surgery in December 2020, the next summer my mom nearly died and her husband, Vernon did die. I brought her home from Florida and then my dad got sick. He eventually died February 2022 and we buried him. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Part of my heart was buried that day too. Somewhere in the middle of that God blessed me with a beautiful home. This spring I spent a couple of months out of state with my daughter while she recovered from neck surgery. Somehow Andre and I have made it through and we are still standing even when it would have been easier to fall. When I look back at all this I can see the hand of God woven through everything. Even with darkest storms around me, they have not consumed me.

I have found the greatest comfort and joy in my children and grandchildren. I have watched Sedrick, Alicia and Victoria (my daughter-in-love) mature into the most amazingly beautiful adults. They have weathered their own struggles with life. Yet, they are still standing strong. Despite the sorrow we have been through as a family, they have never left my side, even when it probably would have been easier to run. They are my greatest blessings.

I have watched my two oldest granddaughters, Destiny and Kaylee graduate high school and college. They are growing into such beautiful young women! My other granddaughter Bella is a senior in high school now and will graduate this time next year. My granddaughter Courtney is making her way through adolescence. She is so much like I was at her age. She is a beautiful and an "old soul". My grandson Michael is 4 years old and obviously got all the "smart genes" in our little family. He loves to learn and soaks things up like a sponge. He has this infectious joy that pours over me like a healing balm for the grief I feel in losing my dad.

Most people who really know me know that I rarely do much for myself. I work all the time. I am there for my family. I keep pushing, trudging and flailing through life. The one thing that has kept me going is my relationship with my Higher Power who I know as Jesus. This time of year is always so precious to me because I remember being a 23 year old girl that was so angry at the world and scared to death. I had 2 little children that I was raising alone and I was failing badly. On top of it all, I was in the grips of alcoholism and addiction. At that time I really believed the world would be better off without me. I saw no hope.

The last couple of weeks before what I now know as my rebirth date and Damascus Road experience on July 5, 1986 were a living hell. Despite my many attempts to end it all, God would not let me die. Through a number of holy moments in my life, God sent me angels in the flesh and on July 5, 1986 I began my journey living sober and clean. I have not had a drink or drug since that day.

I promise you, I have not stayed clean and sober because I am so strong. On the contrary, I am a wuss inside. I stay sober because in my weakness Jesus is strong. He is my everything. My favorite story is where He kept a prostitute from being stoned. I saw a picture one time depicting the Lord literally standing and hovering over this woman and holding back the angry crowd who wanted to stone her to death. That was me. He saw something in me worth saving, even when I wanted them to stone me. The neverending love and grace I felt on July 5, 1986 has never left me since then. Life has been hard and devastating at times by my Jesus has always been there in every step, breath, heartbeat, and tear. His grace is so incredibly beautiful and amazing.

So, I started this post to share about finally pushing myself to make changes in my life since last fall. After brain surgery and everything else, I got lazy. I gained a massive amount of weight. I decided in October to make small changes and get this weight off. I am nowhere close to where I want to be, but I have lost 39 pounds so far. I am not telling this for accolades. Actually, I have realized it is okay to celebrate and care for myself too. I will not promise to never gain weight again, that is my business. However, I have made a commitment to myself to take better care of myself in all areas, one day at a time.

One of the things I have done to celebrate myself was go get my hair done the way I want it and to hell with anyone who does not like it! (Yes, I still have a little bit of that stubborn, nonconformist streak in me.) God blessed me with an amazing stylist. Cristy always makes me feel like the only client she has when I see her. I very seldom relax. When I go see her, just her very presence and spirit set me at ease. She always makes me feel beautiful. She has no idea what a blessing she is to me. I went to see her last night and she did my hair and I love it! Even more though, I sat and actually relaxed and that ache of sorrow in the depths of my heart and soul left for a little while. I know God sent me this beautiful angel named Cristy to help heal my heart. She is well worth it and even more, I am worth it.

On July 5th I will celebrate my rebirth date. I will have 37 years sober. I am so grateful that Jesus has never left me. Even when my old fleshy self gets in the way, no matter how bad life's storms are He has never let me fall. If I had succeeded in taking my own life all those years ago I would have missed out on so much.

I am not a churchy person. If it works for you awesome but it is not always my thing. However, someone belittled me the other day for my love for and faith in the Lord. I snapped back and set them straight. See, I understand that without Jesus, life is not worth living. That is where alcoholism and addiction took me. Jesus pulled me out and has given me such a beautiful life. So, I will never apologize for that.

To my inner circle of family and friends, thank you for staying the course in this crazy world with me!! I love you more than I know how to say!! 💖💖💖

Here's What's On My Mind Today

Here's What's On My Mind Today

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

6/1/23

My Daddy died 2/11/22. I still have a hard time with it. He was my best friend, my hero, my confidant, my voice of reason in the chaos of life. I feel so completely lost without him. I manage to push through the days and work but that is all I do. All I know is grief is not linear. We do not go from point A to point B on the journey we never wanted to take. For me grief is more like a tangled up ball of yarn. It is all twisty-windy. Just about the time I get to the point I think I the ball of yarn is untangled I find even worse tangles. I do not know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me. Grief is hard and while people can try to be encouraging; it is a journey we go on alone. Today, I woke up crying and have been crying off and on most of the day. It is just one of those twisty-windy days for me. I have learned to be gentle with myself and takes things a day at a time. There is no timeline for grieving the loss of someone we loved so deeply. Some people can snap out of it and move on. I am not some people. I may never snap out of it and that is okay with me. I loved my Daddy very deeply and always will.

My Near Death Experience

My Near Death Experience

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

5/28/23

I wrote this in response to a post from a friend. I wanted to keep it for my klds so i am posting it here.

Many years ago I had a near death experience. When it happened I was not in my body, I was in the presence of God. I felt so completely free, like nothing I had ever experienced before or since. When God told me I had to go back I honestly did not want to. God showed me my children and others that I had to help. He told me I still had work to do here. I knew He was right. When I came back into my body it felt so heavy! EVERYTHING in this world felt heavy. 

There are days that all I can feel is the heaviness of life on this side. It is hard to keep going some days. Yet, the one thing I know for certain is that God is in control of the number of my days here, not me. So, while I am here I need to do my best to focus on Him. I have my bad days but they do not last as long anymore.

Grieving the loss of loved ones makes it even harder. When my dad died, the last thing I told him was it was okay to go "home", that I would take care of my stepmom and he did not have to worry. He knew what I meant. He gazed into my eyes, squeezed my hand and took his last breath. 

It might sound crazy, but I deeply miss "home". Do not take me wrong, I am not suicidal. I just miss "home". Yet, I know it is not my time yet. I still have work to do. I do my best to keep my focus on God one day at a time.

So, keep your focus on God. If you do not already, pray unceasingly and live one day at a time.

A Day with My Grandson

A Day with My Grandson

5/26/23

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

My grandson Michael is 4 years old. He is the neatest little boy. He is so incredibly intelligent that people are amazed by him, especially me. He absolutely loves to learn. His mind is like a sponge and I am pretty sure he has a photographic memory.

He is totally amazed with the solar system. He knows planets, galaxies, stars and all kinds of things I never knew existed! Currently his new obsession to learn about is the states of the United States. He knows all of the capitals and even some counties. He loves to look at globes and can already point out many countries. He likes to draw and paint and minecraft is his favorite video game.

He is an old, beautiful soul wrapped up in an amazing little boy. He is one of the greatest blessings in my life and I am in awe that God picked me to be his "GeGe".

Today was the first time I have gotten to hang out with him alone. He is finally big enough that his mom and dad, my son, are okay with it. We had a great time together. We went to see my mom, his great grandma. Then the 3 of us went out for lunch. After that we took my mom to shop for new, glass tables at the furniture store my son works at.

Michael loved every minute of seeing where is beloved daddy works. It reminded me of going to work with my dad one time when I was about his age. Those kind of moments are etched on a child's heart forever, I know they were on mine. Michael told me this was one of the "awesomest days of his life".

We did not do anything big or special. I did not spend massive amounts of money. We were just together. What I spent was time, time that I will gladly spend over and over again because it is worth more than anything in the world. We simply laughed, played and enjoyed eachother. Michael reminded me to live in the moment today. A 4 year old child still has the uncanny ability to do that and Michael is no exception.

Michael told me on the way to my mom's that he likes to draw and paint. He knows I am creative and we talked about our favorite colors. My mom is an artist and she paints. When we got to her house I showed him her paintings. She had just finished one of a fox and she showed it to him. He was so sweet! He looked at it and really studied it. Then he critiqued it. He said he loved the mountains and the snow. He told her it was beautiful! That made her day. My mom asked him what he would name the fox. He stood there for a minute and thought. He finally said he would name it Lupe. We were like, okay his name is Lupe then!

Always being the curious one and the one who forever looks for symbolism, I looked up the meaning of Lupe. It means from the river of the wolf. Michael and I are Cherokee on my father's side. We happen to be from the Wolf Clan. I took the opportunity to explain this to Michael. I want him to know at least some of my part of his heritage. My father died in 2022. I cannot help but think that this was his way of letting me know he was there with us.

I have been missing my daddy so desperately bad lately. Michael is the oil of joy for my aching heart. Today, God knew I needed to hang out with this little boy who has such a gorgeous mind and spirit. He reminded me to take joy in the little and simple things. He reminded me that no matter how bad my heart aches for my dad, I still have a life to live and it is beautiful. I have much to be grateful for, especially this little boy!

To my little grandson Michael, I do not have enough words to be able to tell you how very much I love you! Thank you for hanging with me and just loving me today. I cannot wait to do it again! ♥️♥️♥️

Iam Tongi and Grief

Iam Tongi and Grief

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

5/19/23

I worked till 11pm last night, roughly 16 hours. I went to sleep at 2am and was jolted awake at 4:30am from crying in my sleep. I miss my Daddy so bad. There are not enough words to explain the sadness I feel, there is only tears. I picked my phone up and went scrolling through Facebook and ended up on YouTube watching Iam Tongi at his homecoming. 

This beautiful young man has touched the very heart of our grieving nation. Well at least he has touched mine. It seems like everyone is rushing through life pretending the pandemic never happened. Yet, it did happen. I lost many friends over the past few years. Worst of all, I lost my Daddy. I do not know if the lump in my throat will ever go away or if  my heart will ever stop aching.

Somehow this young man's singing reaches through the sound waves and soothes my broken heart. Maybe it's because we both understand the journey of grief we are on. It is one none of us wanted to take, yet here we are. Thank you Iam Tongi for giving me the gift of your music. #iamtongi #TeamTongi

Check out I'll Be Seeing You by Iam Tongi on Amazon Music

https://music.amazon.com/albums/B0C59ZYZX7?trackAsin=B0C5BCSD3W&ref=dm_sh_jj2DLQ1LqFF7tCgPCGWRlZ8zD 

Stay Off the Train

Stay Off the Train

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

5/14/23

My Daddy had this picture hanging in his bedroom for as long as I can remember. I always thought it was funny and it is. However, it pretty much sums up my life. I have it hanging on the door for me to see when I go in and out. It reminds to take care of myself FIRST, not last; stay off the train and let it fly on by. Only then, do I find peace.

I woke up missing my Daddy something fierce today! The knot in my throat and ache in my heart is back. I bawled my eyes out again. Sometimes I just need to do that. On my way out the door there was a penny and a quarter at my feet. I know he is trying tell me he is here and I will be okay. But, right now I miss my Daddy.

So, I am going to spend some time today getting back to working on his quilt of valor. I have not touched it since I got back from my daughter's place. That is when I feel his presence the most. I hear you Daddy...take care of myself and stay off the train!

I love you Daddy ❤️❤️❤️

Silence Is a Killer

Silence Is a Killer

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

5/8/23

I commented on someone's post about sexual abuse on Faceache today and it ruffled some feathers. I do not really care if it did. Those that are offended can feel free to unfriend and block me. No love lost here. I went ahead and deleted my reply and am posting it here on my own page. Don't like it? Move on.

This topic has nothing to do with current political and legal drama going on. I could care less. But, when comments are made about sexual abuse...I CARE. I lived through it as a teen. So, this is about MY experience and MY thoughts about it. 

Oh, and do not bother telling me to see a counselor. I have already been there and done that for many years. And NO, I will never forgive the one who abused me. He is on God's altar. I have freed myself from it but God can deal with him. I will have my say about things though. Again, if you do not like my thoughts, feel to exit right on out of my life. Any snarky, hateful, political posts will be removed. As my grandma used to say...buckle up buttercup here we go!

[ suppose it is a victim's right to not report sexual abuse/harassment. However, when a victim does not speak up RIGHT WHEN IT HAPPENS, they allow the abuser to go free and victimize others. I was 14 or 15 years old when it happened to me. I SPOKE UP. I did that because I did not want it to happen to anyone else. After I told on the miscreant, many people in my family turned against me until it came out that numerous girls who were older than me had been molested by the same freak years before me! Had they or their parents spoke up, it would have never happened to me. Let that sink in.

Their silence was deadly on many levels. By staying silent they helped the abuser to kill a part of me that I can never get back. To me, they were an accessory to the crime because they chose not to speak up!! Yes, that statement will anger alot of people who refuse to deal with their own guilt. That is on them. They are on God's altar too.

If all the sudden 20 years later someone suddenly decides to report sexual abuse, it just seems too little too late to me. I respect their right to keep silent, but they cannot expect everyone to believe them when they waited so long. Nor, can they expect victims that came after them, when they refused to report their own abuse to have any respect for them. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR SILENCE!! 

Even as a young woman, when I experienced sexual harassment at work, I cared more about my own self respect than my professional career and chose to report it. I also did not want anyone else going through what I did. I am sure there were women before me that did not tell.

My comments have nothing to do with anything connected with a certain misogynistic, narcissistic imbecile and the circus going on with them currently. Frankly, I will not give them the respect of using their name. My thoughts come from a place of personal experience. Sexual abuse did not have to happen to me. If only someone BEFORE me would have SPOKE UP RIGHT WHEN IT HAPPENED to them!! So, I have no empathy for someone who waits decades to finally come forward. Too little, too late. 

Please, if you go through sexual abuse of any kind SPEAK UP RIGHT WHEN IT HAPPENS! If you need someone to support you emotionally through it I am here. Just reach out.