Nov 21, 2011

The Four Leaf Clover

When I was a little girl I used to spend hours and hours searching for four leaf clovers. I would lay in the yard all day and evening lost in my pursuit. Nothing else mattered. All the hurt and pain of my crazy life and the abuse would fade away when I was picking through the clover. When I would get tired of looking I would roll over on my back and watch the clouds. I loved to pick out shapes and animals. It was as if time stood still when I did that.

One evening I was watching the clouds right at sunset. The sky was a beautiful golden orange color. All at once it was as if the clouds were a gate and they opened. I saw a brightly lit figure. A man yet a spirit. I could not see his face because the light was so bright but I knew it was Jesus. I laid there for what seemed forever totally transfixed on Him. At total peace and in total awe. Finally this holy moment was broken by the sound of my mom calling me in for dinner. As I rolled over to get up I found a four leaf clover.

That day is forever etched in my mind. When life knocks me down I remember that moment. I call to mind the peace He gave me while I hunted for four leaf covers.

Aug 27, 2011

Smoldering

By Andrea Tadpole

I sit here smoldering
With thoughts of you
The passion we shared
Takes my breath away
Your scent lingers on me
Your sweet lips on my thighs
Your tender touch
I long to feel

Where Are You

By Andrea Tadpole

It's as if I don't exist
I'm trapped in a black abyss
Everyone says they love me
They will be there if I fall
Yet when I'm scared
Need someone's touch
There's no one there to call

Problems lie before me
They seem bigger
Than the world

No solution
Or resolution
Can't fix them
On my own

I know there is a God
That He loves me
Through and through
He has a plan to save me
But it most likely
Includes you

So where did you go
Your presence gone
Your touch withdrawn
My heart aches so

I cannot wait any longer
Must move on
And start anew
I guess it doesn't matter
Least of all
Not to you

Aug 26, 2011

Sitting On the Porch

By Andrea Tadpole

Sitting on the porch
Throbbing with desire
Heart pounding
Wanting you so bad

Mind racing madly
Searching for a clue
As to why
You don't see me

Did I come on too fast
Push too hard
Open up too much

Not trying to grab you
Don't want to cling
Just want to experience
The moment
The now
With you

Is that wrong
Too much
Too soon
Too fast
What

I don't understand
Come here
Go away
You pull me close
Then push me away

I want to stay
Close to you
In your arms
Just for today

The future is uncertain
All that exists is now
If we hesitate
It's lost forever
Far beyond our grasp

Nothing lasts but this second
Please don't throw it all away
By letting fear get in the way

Maybe if we jump together
The fall
Won't hurt at all

Aug 14, 2011

On the River Bridge

by Andrea Tadpole

On the river bridge
Wishing you were here
Holding my hand
Kissing me
Caressing me
Talking about nothing
Spending time together
With no agenda
Just to be

I sit and wait
But you don't call
Seems I don't even
Cross your mind

Was it real
Did we make love
Share the ultimate gift
Explode together with passion
Or was it all a dream
A silly fantasy

The one I want
The most
Is the furthest
From my reach

What are you afraid of
Why do you shut me out
And run away
When all I want
Is for you to stay

Everyone else is invited
In your life
Yet I am held at bay

I know where
I'm not wanted
Seems I just
Get in the way
So there's nothing
Left to say

Jul 29, 2011

Begging for Crumbs

by Andrea Tadpole

I realized last night
I have wasted my life
Sitting under the table
Begging for crumbs
That never come

When God has a banquet
Prepared in another
Space and time

I'm not sure why
It has taken me so long
To release myself from
The pain of rejection
That comes from waiting
For little scraps of
Attention
Affection
Just some little sign
That never appears

Yet now that the scales
That blinded me
Have lifted
I've set myself free

No more
It ends here
Now

I'm not wasting my life
Waiting under a table
Begging for crumbs
That never come

Jul 27, 2011

My One and Only Muse

by Andrea Tadpole

My one and only Muse
When I watch you
From afar
Passion envelopes me
You have invaded me
You occupy my mind

When our eyes meet
Two universes collide
New stars are born
My creativity is fired
In levels I never knew

When we aren't together
I imagine your ways
Your sky blue eyes flash
When you smile at me
My heart skips a beat
Your rough hands
Touch so tenderly
Your lips are soft and sweet

Insatiable desire
Stirs deep within me

I am left with mere words
To convey the feelings
You ignite inside me
My one and only Muse

Jul 25, 2011

2:30 In the Morning

by Andrea Tadpole

2:30 in the morning
Should be sleeping
Yet cannot stop
Thinking about you

The way you look at me
From across the room
The way I feel when our eyes meet
You touch me
It lights a fire within me
You kiss me
My knees go weak
You whisper in my ear
Sending tingles down my spine

You're an unexpected treasure
A rare jewel tossed aside
Yet here you are
In front of me
A precious gift
Sent from above

Jul 24, 2011

Listening to Some Old Timer Blather

by Andrea Tadpole

Sitting here
Listening to some old timer blather
Just wish he'd shut up
Sit down
Put a sock in his mouth

He's a liar
A fraud
Sure not a winner
Always preying
On young girl beginners

What the Hell
Did he ignore the steps
Fucking sicko
I'd like to wring his neck

Years of sobriety
Dont mean shit
When one never
Changes the way
That they live

Guess the lesson
I've learned is
How not to be
Real in a meeting

Fuck it
I'm outa here
I'm done
Walking away
Before I vomit

Jul 17, 2011

So Far Away

by Andrea Tadpole

Time goes slowly
When you're
So far away

My mind's eye sees
Your sexy smile
I imagine
Your tender touch

Want to call you
Just say hi
Yet I know you need
This time alone

So I sit here imagining
Your return

Hope you wrap me
In your arms
Kiss me long
With passion

Hope the time
So far away
Doesn't make you
Forget me

Jul 13, 2011

Subdued In a Corner

by Andrea Tadpole

Subdued in a corner
Tigress locked deep inside
Quietly watching you

Passion overflows
I imagine the feel
Of your sweet lips
Pressed against mine
Your scent
Your touch
Our bodies intertwined

Visions pass through
My mind
Of stolen moments
Alone with you
Where time is suspended
In rhapsody divine

Then I come to my senses
Remember where I'm at

Subdued in a corner
Tigress locked deep inside
Quietly watching you

Jul 12, 2011

Play In the Rain Together

by Andrea Tadpole

This poem is for a very special friend of mine – you know who you are :-)

Storm clouds on the horizon
Uncertainty beckons at the door
You’re in the tempest tossed

You don’t know whether to
Embrace your life
Or give up because all is lost

The way looks dark and lonely
You don’t know just what to do
The rain comes
You hear a voice inside you say
You can’t go out and play

Who says you can’t
What’s gonna happen
Catch a cold
Not true

So grab a friend
Go splash and play
Live for the moment
Just for today

Reality is
All we have is this second
If we miss it
It’s gone forever

Then we’ll never know
What it would have been like to
Play in the rain together

Jul 8, 2011

Places No One Else Has Ever Been

by Andrea Tadpole

You never cease to amaze me
With your eloquent words

They ignite a fire of passion
Deep within my soul
Leave me with a thirst
That only you can quench

Oh, how I want to feel
Your tender touch
Your gentle kiss

Smell you
Taste you
Take you deep within

To the places
No one else has ever been

Jul 7, 2011

Slow Dancing With You

by Andrea Tadpole

Slow dancing with you
In the darkness of my mind
Keeping perfect rhythm
To the beat of our two hearts

Passions ignited
Bodies intertwined
As you rock and roll me
All thru the night

In the fire light
You take me
To another world
Where time is suspended
Nothing else exists

You totally consume me
As I suck you deep within
Feel you rub against me
Body soft and warm

Your scent
Your touch
Your tender kiss
Boy you drive me wild

Then I awake
It was only a dream
Where I was
Slow dancing with you
In the darkness if my mind

Jul 6, 2011

Hidden Fantasy Locked Inside

by Andrea Tadpole

Hidden fantasy
Locked inside
As I secretly watch you
From across the room
Your big strong arms
Your flashing smile
That sexy voice
Those gorgeous eyes
Set me on fire
Drive me wild
I want to taste you
Suck you deep within
Feel your gentle kiss
Tender touch
Our bodies
Writhing together
In rapturous ecstacy
Then I realize its
A hidden fantasy
Locked inside
Only you
Hold the key
To set me free

Jun 19, 2011

Destiny's Shoes

by Andrea Tadpole

I wrote this note to my 11 year old granddaughter Destiny. She has a hard time finding pretty, girly shoes for her age. Unfortunately, she inherited a disorder from me that makes her toes look different from most peoples. She is embarassed and teased about her feet all the time. We went and bought some shoes one day and she got teased about them so I sent her this note:

Do not let anyone make you feel bad about your shoes or feet. When people make fun or say something bad about a person's differences it just shows how stupid and mean they really are. You are beautiful. What your feet look like or what shoes you wear don't make you who you are. Who you are is what is in your heart. You have a beautiful heart and I love you very much. So wear your shoes proudly with your head held high.

Jun 4, 2011

The Story of Walter Pigeon

by Andrea Tadpole

Before I tell you this story let me preface it with this. I am a Christian, but not a very strict one. By that I mean that I do not choose to practice organized religion on a regular basis. That’s not to say I never go to church, I’m just not one that is devoted to any one church or denomination. I am a spiritual person, not religious. I believe in God and Jesus, I pray every day, but I am not a holy roller if you know what I mean. My relationship with God is very personal and not up to scrutiny by a bunch of religious nuts. I allow everyone the right to worship God however they want and expect the same in return. So I don’t want you to think I’m a Bible thumper, I’m not. If you are that’s cool. I’m not opposed at all; I just am not as rigid as most. Anyway, here’s the true story of a pigeon named Walter:

The Story of Walter Pigeon

One cold, dreary, rainy fall day when I was picking my kids up from school I rescued an injured pigeon from a group of kids who had surrounded it and were yelling and kicking water in its face. I wrapped him in my coat and took him home. I put him in my dog crate in the garage with a blanket on the floor of it so he would stay warm. He was thin for a pigeon. His chest and under his wing was scraped up. He was freaked out too. I had never seen a pigeon’s eyes that big before!! I named him Walter. All winter he recuperated in the garage. I fed him, put Neosporin on his wounds and made sure he had plenty of water.

At the same time my second marriage was falling apart. My husband at the time had been in Narcotics Anonymous for 12 years and relapsed. He started using drugs again, they were prescription drugs but he was playing every doctor in Tulsa and abusing them. He turned into a monster and I was trying so hard to hold our marriage together because I loved the man he used to be. I was going to counseling to try to cope with it all. When I would get overwhelmed with everything, usually late at night, I would go sit on the steps inside the garage next to Walter and pet his head and talk to him about everything that was going wrong. He listened intently, probably because he had no choice, but I like to tell myself that he really cared about me since I had rescued him from the throng of kids. Anyway, over the months, Walter ate good and got nice and fat and happy. We became good friends. The counseling sessions had started to pay off for me and I was gaining confidence in myself. I took my focus off the passed out elephant in the bedroom that would rather sleep his life away than be a part of his family and put it on me and my kids. We had a life without him. I knew that if he did not get clean again it was over but I tried to hang on and give him a chance.

Eventually my kids and I decided that we would release Walter on the first day of spring. We were all excited. We took his cage to the porch and said our goodbyes. Then I opened the cage thinking Walter would come running out and fly away. To my amazement, he didn’t. He just sat there looking at me. I kept saying, “Your free Walter, you’re free, you can fly away now!!” He didn’t move. I sat there looking at him for a minute wondering why he didn’t want to leave. I finally reached in, picked him up and put him on the porch outside of his cage. He sat there for a minute and looked at the cage and then the sky as if he was trying to decide what to do. Finally, he took off! Wow! What a beautiful sight!! He flew around and around, swooping and diving. He came and landed on the eave of my house and looked at me as if to say thank you. Then he flew away. I never saw him again.

That night I sat out on the porch and watched the stars. I thought about my whole experience with Walter Pigeon. I believed then and still do today that God comes to me in many ways to get my attention especially through animals. I suspect He came to me through Walter. Here was this pigeon, the one bird that is considered the nastiest, most unwanted and outcast bird in our society. Much like me he was hurt and alone in the rain. I came along and rescued him, fed him, gave him a warm place to live and heal from the hard knocks of life just like God has done that for me countless times in many different ways. Then when he was well and could fly free he was afraid and did not move until the one person he trusted the most reached in and helped him out. Like Walter I have been in my own cage or prison, a self imposed one many times despite the fact that God has already opened the door. I still let fear consume me at times and stay in the cage because it is familiar and safe even if I am locked up. Yet, God loves me enough that He will always reach in and ever so gently coax me out of my cage and into the beautiful flight of freedom.

I realized that night that God had been trying to tell me all this time that no matter what I chose to do He loved me and would take care of me and my kids. I could stay married and in this sick crazy world with my husband who had no intention of getting clean again or I could fly free, it was my choice. It was as if the weight of the world fell off my shoulders that night. I felt free. It was another year before my marriage ended but I knew that I was not alone. Since then my ex-husband eventually died of a drug overdose. It’s sad and there are days I miss him. Yet, I am still free and flying!!

Many years have passed since then. My kids are grown and I have beautiful grandchildren. Yet, every time I see a pigeon I still think of one very special pigeon named Walter who taught me how to be free. Fly high and free Walter!!