My Little Angel

I feel like I should say this before I tell you my story. I know that most of my current writings are about grief, loss and the hard knocks of life. Sometimes I write happy stuff, but lately life has been real hard. When it is like that, the grief comes back. It is a cathartic type of release to write it out. On one hand I feel as though I should apologize for it; yet on the other it's my reality. So, if you are looking for froofy, happy stories look elsewhere. This my voice for now. Hopefully it will change soon. If it helps someone to read it, give God the credit, not me. Here goes...

My Little Angel 

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

12/27/19

My attention span is short so I rarely watch a television movie all the way through. However, last night I stumbled upon a movie called The Coat of Many Colors about Dolly Parton. During the movie there was scene where Dolly's mother gave birth to her little brother too early and he did not survive. During this part of the movie a song was playing that Dolly wrote called Angel Hill. It was about the hope of a soon coming child and the sorrow of losing him. Sometimes I hear a song for the first time and it evokes deep emotions and memories that are hidden far inside my heart. This song was one of them. 

The song took me back to when I was 18 years old. I had been married a few months to my first husband. I found out I was pregnant and I was so excited. Back then we did not have DNA tests or ultrasounds. You could not find out what you were having but I always knew in my heart that I was carrying a little boy. I was still young and full of hope for our future. Life had not kicked my teeth in....yet.

About 3 months into the pregnancy I lost my little boy. Miscarriages were not talked about in that day. They just did a D & C and sent you home. I will never forget the hollow, broken feeling I had inside. My husband moved us out of town to live with his parents. I think he hoped a change of scenery would help me. We had a bedroom upstairs. I hid there and rarely came out for anything. The sorrow and despair was so deep I could not move. It seemed like I was there for years but I know it was only a month or so. It felt like a deep darkness overtook me. No one spoke to me about my baby, not even my husband. It felt like the whole world wanted me to forget him, suck it up and move on but I did not know how.

One day, my mom came into town. Her mother's instinct had kicked in. She just knew something was wrong and she came to check on me. I was in bed, running a fever. She rushed me to the doctor. I guess I had just been so depressed I did not realize how sick I was. I had a kidney infection. My mom did her best to get me well and went home. 

Soon after that, someone gave me a little kitten that needed to be bottle fed. They found it abandoned and alone. At about the same time, we managed to get our own apartment. Every 2 hours I would get up and feed this tiny kitten. She gave me a sense of purpose and it made me get out of bed. I named her Tina after my best friend in school as a child. I would sit and hold little Tina wrapped in a blanket and cry. I told her everything no one else wanted to hear. She eventually grew up, but in those few weeks of nurturing her she helped me climb out of the pit of sorrow. She was my best friend for her entire life. It always amazes me how God has used animals so many times in my life to love me and teach me things.

A few months later I got pregnant again. I held my breath inside the whole time I was pregnant, until I heard my son Sedrick cry. He truly was and still is my oil of joy just like his son Michael is to him and his momma now. Life went on and I had my daughter Alicia a few years later but I never forgot the little boy I lost. 

I have always called my first son my little angel. It was about this time of year that I lost him. That explains the sadness that has been gnawing so much at my heart lately. I long deeply to see his face and hug him when I get to Heaven some day. I do not sit around in deep sorrow anymore about him, but he is always there. He is a part of me and for me, he was alive inside me and still is in my heart. It is a love only a mother can understand. 

This song, Angel Hill is about the place Dolly's little brother was buried. For me, Angel Hill is a place deep in my heart where my little angel lives. It is also a place in Heaven where we will meet again.

Oh, my little angel! You are alive in my heart forever and never forgotten. I will meet you on Angel Hill some day.

I love you more,

Momma 💜

Watch "Alyvia Alyn Lind and Dolly Parton Singing Angel Hill Live on Home & Family, May 31, 2016" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/F9J15walujY

Dressing Zoey

I started writing this on 12/23/19 but I thought it fitting to post it on Christmas. So, get a cup of coffee or hot chocolate and read what is in my heart because it is all I have to give this Christmas. 

Dressing Zoey

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

12/23/19

Lately, my life has been a chaotic mess. My husband almost died right in front of me a couple weeks ago. My birthday was right after that and it sucked. We had plumbing problems at our house the other day. Then, today has been totally hectic. I have been trying to sort out last minute Christmas details with my daughter and got nowhere. To top it all off, the radiator hose on my car busted. This evening I felt like my whole world was falling down around me.

I stumbled into bed earlier and my husband was watching a movie about the life of Christ and the crucifixion. I laid there and watched it. There was a scene toward the end that really pierced my heart. It was when Mary Magdalene was cleaning and dressing Jesus's body after they pulled Him down from the cross.

This scene took me back to a moment in my life with my little granddaughter Zoey. Zoey was born at 18 weeks gestation. She lived 11 minutes. In those few moments I saw her spirit. It was indescribably beautiful; yet it was horrible because I knew she was not long for this world. 

After Zoey went on to the arms of Jesus, her mother begged me to find a white dress for her. So, I bolted out of the hospital and drove all over town searching for a tiny, white dress for Zoey. I drove, looked and cried for what felt like days even though it was only a few hours. Finally, I happened to see a sign that said "Kathleen's Toys" on it. Kathleen is my middle name so I decided stop in. I explained to lady at the counter that I needed a little, white dress to bury my beloved granddaughter in. She showed me a dress for a newborn baby. I explained that it was way too big and told her how tiny Zoey was. She sadly told me she had nothing that small in stock. 

Just as I was walking out the door of the store a tiny doll dressed as a bride in a beautiful white dress caught my eye. It was in the back corner on the bottom shelf of a glass display case right by the door. I stopped in my tracks and called the store clerk over. She was just as surprised as I was because she did not remember having that doll. It just so happened that the price was exactly the amount of money I had to spend down to the penny. I know to this day that one of God's angels put that there for Zoey.

I returned to the hospital with the dress. When I got there I am sure everyone was there somewhere but here is what I remember. Zoey's mother was still holding her wrapped in a little blanket. Zoey's great grandmother Barbara was there too. I showed them the dress I had found. Zoey's mother burst out in tears and said it was perfect and everything she imagined. 

I had not expected to be involved in dressing Zoey but there I was with Zoey's mother and her great grandmother. It was as if Zoey had asked God to have the two of us dress her. In my entire life I have never faced such a daunting task. I looked at Barbara and knew she was overwhelmed too. Yet, we both knew what a sacred and holy thing it was that we were about to do. 

We had to be extremely careful while dressing Zoey because her skin was so delicate and her tiny bones so brittle that one wrong move would have been disastrous to any already heart crushing day. The whole time we were slowly and gently dressing Zoey I was praying in the spirit under my breath. I felt the hands of the Holy Spirit guiding me and Barbara every minuscule step of the way. The dress fit perfectly as if it were tailor made just for Zoey. She looked like an angel in it and I know I heard Heaven rejoice once we were finished.

So, tonight I was watching this scene in the show of Mary Magdalene dressing Jesus in His burial clothes. I thought how He knew the whole time she was following Him during His time on earth that she would be the one that was chosen to dress Him for burial. I can only imagine how she must have felt and the love she must have had for Him. I am by no means as precious as Mary Magdalene, not by any stretch. However, it was that same great love that Mary had for Jesus and I had for Zoey that gave me the strength to dress her. It called to my mind the even greater love that Jesus had for us all.

Most days I am a bumbling mess stumbling through life like a bull in China closet. I cannot see the forest for all the trees, let alone know what to do or which way to turn. That is exactly where I am right now. Yet, God, ever so lovingly in His own way, stops me in my tracks and reminds me of the things He has brought me through and the Holy, sacred moments that He has used me in spite of my imperfections in doing something as beautiful as dressing Zoey. He also showed me once again the greatest gift of love He has ever given us is His son. 

I am finishing this story on Christmas day. I have had better Christmas days. This one is quiet and lonely and I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I am reminded of the tremendous, never ending love my Abba Father has for me and us all in the gift He gave us in Jesus. I am also forever grateful for the other gift He gave me, a messed up bag of bones grandma in being blessed in dressing Zoey. 

So to my granddaughter Zoey, my grandson Michael AJ and a host of others in Heaven...you are the most blessed because you are there with Jesus rocking His house for his birthday! Dance, Zoey dance!!

To my family and friends here on earth with me, I love you more than I know how to say and miss you so much my heart hurts. We will celebrate together again some day. 

Merry Christmas!!

Missing Jesus

I did not write this but I wish I had it's a beautiful story. Just what I needed. My life is a mess right now and I needed to be reminded that Jesus is still with working things out.

Missing Jesus

Author unknown

About a week before Christmas a family bought a new nativity scene. When they unpacked it they found 2 figures of the baby Jesus. "Someone must have packed this wrong," the mother said, counting out the figures. "We have one Joseph, one Mary, three wise men, three shepherds, two lambs, a donkey, a cow, an angel and two babies. Oh, dear! I suppose some set down at the store is missing a baby Jesus because we have 2."
"You two run back down to the store and tell the manager that we have an extra Jesus. Tell him to put a sign on the remaining boxes saying that if a set is missing a baby Jesus, call 7126. Put on your warm coats, it's freezing cold out there."

The manager of the store copied down mother's message and the next time they were in the store they saw the cardboard sign that read, "If you're missing baby Jesus, call 7126." All week long they waited for someone to call. Surely, they thought, someone was missing that important figurine. Each time the phone rang mother would say, "I'll bet that's about Jesus," but it never was.

Father tried to explain there are thousands of these scattered over the country and the figurine could be missing from a set in Florida or Texas or California. Those packing mistakes happen all the time. He suggested just put the extra Jesus back in the box and forget about it.

"Put baby Jesus back in the box! What a terrible thing to do," said the children. "Surely someone will call," mother said. "We'll just keep the two of them together in the manger until someone calls.

When no call had come by 5:00 on Christmas Eve, mother insisted that father "just run down to the store" to see if there were any sets left. "You can see them right through the window, over on the counter," she said. "If they are all gone, I'll know someone is bound to call tonight."
"Run down to the store?" father thundered. "It's 15 below zero out there!"

"Oh, Daddy, we'll go with you," Tommy and Mary began to put on their coats. Father gave a long sigh and headed for the front closet. "I can't believe I'm doing this," he muttered. Tommy and Mary ran ahead as father reluctantly walked out in the cold. Mary got to the store first and pressed her nose up to the store window. "They're all gone, Daddy," she shouted. "Every set must be sold."
"Hooray," Tommy said. "The mystery will now be solved tonight!"

Father heard the news still a half block away and immediately turned on his heel and headed back home. When they got back into the house they noticed that mother was gone and so was the extra baby Jesus figurine. "Someone must have called and she went out to deliver the figurine," my father reasoned, pulling off his boots. "You kids get ready for bed while I wrap mother's present."

Then the phone rang. Father yelled "answer the phone and tell 'em we found a home for the baby Jesus." But it was mother calling with instructions for us to come to 205 Chestnut Street immediately, and bring three blankets, a box of cookies and some milk. "Now what has she gotten us into?" my father groaned as we bundled up again. "205 Chestnut. Why that's across town. Wrap that milk up good in the blankets or it will turn to ice before we get there. Why can't we all just get on with Christmas? It's probably 20 below out there now. And the wind is picking up. Of all the crazy things to do on a night like this."

When they got to the house at 205 Chestnut Street it was the darkest one on the block. Only one tiny light burned in the living room and, the moment we set foot on the porch steps, my mother opened the door and shouted, "They're here, Oh thank God you got here, Ray! You kids take those blankets into the living room and wrap up the little ones on the couch. I'll take the milk and cookies."
"Would you mind telling me what is going on, Ethel?" my father asked. "We have just walked through below zero weather with the wind in our faces all the way."
"Never mind all that now," my mother interrupted. "There isn't any heat in this house and this young mother is so upset she doesn't know what to do. Her husband walked out on her and those poor little children will have a very bleak Christmas, so don't you complain. I told her you could fix that oil furnace in a jiffy."
My mother strode off to the kitchen to warm the milk while my brother and I wrapped up the five little children who were huddled together on the couch. The children's mother explained to my father that her husband had run off, taking bedding, clothing, and almost every piece of furniture, but she had been doing all right until the furnace broke down.

"I been doin' washin' and ironin' for people and cleanin' the five and dime," she said. "I saw your number every day there, on those boxes on the counter. When the furnace went out, that number kept going' through my mind. 7162...7162. Said on the box that if a person was missin' Jesus, they should call you. That's how I knew you were good Christian people, willin' to help folks. I figured that maybe you would help me, too. So I stopped at the grocery store tonight and I called your misses. I'm not missin' Jesus, mister, because I sure love the Lord. But I am missin' heat. I have no money to fix that furnace."

"Okay, Okay," said father. "You've come to the right place. Now let's see. You've got a little oil burner over there in the dining room. Shouldn't be too hard to fix. Probably just a clogged flue. I'll look it over, see what it needs."
Mother came into the living room carrying a plate of cookies and warm milk. As she set the cups down on the coffee table, I noticed the figure of baby Jesus lying in the center of the table. It was the only sign of Christmas in the house. The children stared wide-eyed with wonder at the plate of cookies my mother set before them.
Father finally got the oil burner working but said, "You need more oil. I'll make a few calls tonight and get some oil. Yes sir, you came to the right place", father grinned.

On the way home father did not complain about the cold weather and had barely set foot inside the door when he was on the phone. "Ed, hey, how are ya, Ed?"
"Yes, Merry Christmas to you, too. Say Ed, we have kind of an unusual situation here. I know you've got that pick-up truck. Do you still have some oil in that barrel on your truck? You do?"
By this time the rest of the family were pulling clothes out of their closets and toys off of their shelves. It was long after their bedtime when they were wrapping gifts. The pickup came. On it were chairs, three lamps, blankets and gifts. Even though it was 30 below, father let them ride along in the back of the truck. No one ever did call about the missing figure in the nativity set, but as I grow older I realize that it wasn't a packing mistake at all.

Jesus saves, that's what He does.

Grandpa Shelby

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

12/20/19

What do I say about a man that was always around, busy doing something, yet quiet for the most part? He worked as a switchman for the Sand Springs Railroad and retired from it. He worked evenings and lived right across the street from the tracks. When we were kids we would always run out to the porch to wave at him when the train made it's way from Sand Springs to downtown Tulsa in the evening. He was always there, hanging on the side of the train to wave at us. We all looked forward to it.

I have heard stories of him being an angry drunk in his younger years but I never knew that part of him. When I got sober at 23 years old, one day he sat me down and said, "Andi, I don't know anything about this A-A-and A thing you're doing but don't stop if it's keeping you sober. I'm proud of you." Then he told about his own redemption story. Many years before he had heart problems and had to get a pacemaker put in. Back then they were new and it was a risky surgery. He told me the night before surgery he said a prayer and made a deal with God. If he made it through the surgery he promised God he would stop drinking, go to church and change his ways. He lived and never drank again. That was one of the few deep conversations I had with him and I remember it like it was yesterday. I will treasure it forever.

My grandpa did not attend church every Sunday but went as much as he could. He was always doing things like tithing and donating to others. He would give the shirt off his back to help someone. I always knew that his home was a safe place to run to when I needed shelter from life's storms. There was always a hot cup of Taster's Choice instant coffee to drink and food to eat, and a place to sleep no questions asked. As I grew in my sobriety I started to understand, he did the things he did because it was all part of the promise he made to God; but even more out of gratitude for the life he got to live.

My grandfather and grandmother ran a concession business. I grew up riding around in the sno cone truck with my grandpa. He would buy blocks of ice and grind the ice himself. This was before icemakers. The day he got a crushed icemaker was a big day! My grandmother made the sno cone syrup, cotton candy, caramel and candy apples and popcorn balls to sell. My grandpa also sold cotton candy and balloons at all the Christmas parades in this region. Everyone knew him as the sno cone man or cotton candy man.

He was the ultimate salesman. One Saturday in the winter, they needed money for food. It was snowing hard. He had me go with him to sell sno cones. I told him he was crazy, no one would buy a sno cone in this weather! Sure enough, he pulled to this one neighborhood, turned on his music and sold enough to buy groceries. That's why I always say he could sell anything, even sno cones in a snow storm! My son had that gift of selling too.

We never did without, even in the hardest times. I remember one time he went to an auction and brought home so many pairs of shoes that it filled a bedroom. There were all sizes from kids to adults and many styles. None of us went without shoes for a long time. I remember one Christmas he and grandma bought us all bicycles. The two of them were far from perfect but they always gave what they could to take care of us all the best they could.

It is funny the things we remember about someone. My grandfather was like a gentle giant to me. He never said much and he moved in a slow, kind of clumsy way. He always asked me to tie his shoes because it was too hard for him. He always taped his fingers because they cracked. In his later years he had Parkinson's but it never slowed him down. One of my fondest memories of him was when I was about 7 or 8 years old. He was at my house visiting and there was music playing. He jumped up, grabbed me and danced me around the room like Fred Astaire! Who knew he could dance like that?!

The older I get the more I understand how fortunate I was to have my grandparents around so much. All 4 of them planted seeds of wisdom in me that are still with me today.

Today is my grandpa Shelby's birthday. December 20th, 10 days after mine. We shared December birthdays just like I share with my little grandson Michael now. I hope to be as awesome to my grandchildren as my grandpa Shelby was to me. Happy birthday grandpa! Kiss my grandbabies that are in Heaven with you for me. I love and miss you!! Your little Andi. 💜

Brag About God

This was in response to a post my daughter-in-love put on Facebook asking others to brag about God (see pic) 

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

12/19/19

Well...where do I start? If God had not rescued me when I prayed at the foot of my bed over 33 years ago I would have died from alcoholism and addiction. I would have missed out on raising my two beautiful children Sedrick Zelsnack and Alicia Zelsnack. I would have missed out on all the friendships I've had. I would have missed out on taking care of my grandmother during her fight with cancer and saying my final goodbye to her. I would have missed out on rebuilding my relationship with my dad Elmer Tadpole Jr and my mother Alice Tarrant. The years I've had with them are one of my greatest treasures. I would have missed seeing all my granddaughters come to this world and watch them grow and mature. I would have missed out on meeting you Victoria Zelsnack. You are a beautiful young woman and awesome mother. Last but certainly not least I would've missed out on welcoming your beautiful son and my precious grandson Michael to this world. This last year with him has been the indescribably awesome oil of joy for my old and tired heart. This is just a small list of all God has done for me. I could go on forever about the grace and mercy He has given me although I was and am so undeserving. Merry Christmas my beautiful daughter-in-love!! 💜💜💜

Thoughts

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

December 14, 2019

I have been sitting here for a while listening to praise and worship music. I have been trying settle mind and soothe my heart. I have been through alot this last week. I have had to keep it all together and its finally hitting me. The tears are rolling, the dam had broken and I cannot stop them. I hate it when I cry because I feel like I am weak. Yet I know if I just let it flow God has a way of healing me through the tears.

I will try to make sense of my thoughts and ramblings but I cannot promise anything. They are a jumbled up mess right now. So, please bare with me as I share my heart.

Last Friday my husband and I attended the funeral of a family friend three hours away. She was only 51 years old and just fell asleep one night and did not wake up. She was younger than me and it really hit me hard. It reminded me again of the frailty of life and not taking things and people you love for granted. The holidays are hard for me because too many of my loved ones have passed on. I do not know why, but this year my heart aches for them worse than ever. 

The funeral of our friend was beautiful. I know that it sounds weird to describe it that way but it was beautiful. I felt the Holy Spirit rain down on us like I have never felt before. The music was amazing and I swear I heard angels singing along with us.

While we were singing I saw a vision of our friend, my loved ones and countless others in Heaven singing and dancing before God's throne. I was in awe. As much as I miss my loved ones I would not wish them back here in this crazy world even if I could. They are at God's throne, healthy, at peace and whole. What more could one want?

We came straight home from the funeral. A couple of hours later my husband got sick and was transported by ambulance to the hospital. I followed in my car. I got back to the ER room he was in just as a group of nurses and doctors were cutting off his shirt. The monitor showed a flat line. They were getting ready to put the paddles on his chest and he came back at the last minute. I stood there watching this man that I love so deeply nearly die. It was the most horrible feeling to know that I was helpless to do anything. All I could was pray and believe me, I prayed.

The hospital was jam packed and there were no regular hospital rooms available. The hallways of the ER were lined with sick people on gurneys and in wheelchairs all waiting for a room. At least we had a room in ER where I could close the doors. I shoved a couple of folding chairs together and tried to sleep a little. 

We were in ER for two nights waiting on a regular room. I was exhausted and my back was aching with pain by the second night. I was to the point I could not take it anymore. I prayed and asked God to help me. Then, like an angel out of nowhere this housekeeper came in and saw what I was sleeping on. She told she had a surprise for me and came back in a few minutes with a recliner. That made me feel so good and I actually got a little sleep. The recliner reminded me that God sees us and answers even the smallest prayers right when we need them the most. We made it home Monday and my husband is weak but okay. It will take time for him to recuperate. 

Tuesday was my birthday. I turned 57. It was uneventful and pretty much glossed over by everyone. Oh, they did the obligatory happy birthday. Well, everyone did but my husband. He had been through too much and forgot all about it. My daughter had my granddaughter buy and little cake for me and she and I ate it. It was a nice and I appreciate it. I do not expect anything huge for my birthday,  just a simple "happy birthday, I love you" is enough. 

I just feel forgotten by most of the people in my life unless they need something. It hurts when I am not acknowledged. I do not think that is asking too much. I often wonder if anyone really loves me for me or do they just love me for what I do for them? I wish someone just loved me. I do not know if I am making any sense but that is how I feel.

Anyway, I got through my birthday. My grandson was born two days after my birthday last year so he turned one on December 12th. I went to see him on his birthday. I always say he is our oil of joy. His smile and laughter fill my heart and take the sting of the hard knocks of life away. This little boy is an answer to prayer and I love him more than I have words to describe. Being with him for a little bit kinda reset me inside and calmed my spirit.

So, I was sitting here earlier thinking about this past week. My husband nearly died. God brought him back. Things could be so much worse. I could have been planning a funeral. Instead I am home. I am trying to get the laundry caught up. I am kind of back to my "weird normal" whatever that is.

The main thing I can take away from this week is that God will never leave me or forsake me. I listen to TD Jakes alot. I heard part of a sermon in the middle of this chaotic week. He said God will always give you a safe place to Hide; He will Hold you and He will Help you. I have seen God do this all week.

I have other things going on that I am afraid  and worried about. Yet, I keep thinking of the disciples on the boat with Jesus during a storm. Jesus said peace be still and the storm stopped. I am reminded to keep my focus on God and He will guide and give me peace. 

I am not a churchy person, I am a spiritual person. I met my Savior at the foot of my bed, alone and in despair 33 years ago. I am not perfect. If I was I wouldn't need a Savior. 

Christmas is not about the gifts and commercialism it has become. It is about a loving Savior who chose to leave the glory of Heaven and become a man in order be our ultimate sacrifice. So, in the middle of all this holiday hustle and bustle just stop for a moment and remember what Christmas really is.

Merry Christmas to everyone and especially all my friends and family!! Oh, and thank God my husband is alive and I made it through this crazy week sober.

Gratitide 11/13/19

Just feeling grateful and wanted to post a pic of Nanuk. He is doing awesome!! 💜💜💜

If you ever want a veterinarian with a real heart go to Catoosa Animal Clinic and ask for Dr Caleb. He has nursed this dog back to health and never gave up on him. 

I'm so grateful to be Nanuk's forever home now. I always say he found me through my friend and his angel April Rain Wind!!

Gratitude 11/7/19

Potato Soup

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

Today I am grateful for potato soup. I know you might think I am crazy but allow me to explain. Sometimes when I miss my loved ones who live far away or even ones in Heaven, memories will come to my mind. Here lately I have been missing my momma alot. She lives in Florida. I have also been deeply missing her momma, my grandmother Mary. She is in Heaven. Even though I know she is here in spirit there are days I just wish my mom and I could sit and have a cup of Tasters Choice instant coffee with grandma like we use to. It was her favorite coffee. I was so young back then I did not realize what a treasure those times were.

I started thinking about how my mom and my grandmother always cooked the best food when I was growing up. The other day it was cold and rainy and I was bored. I remembered on days like this one my mom and grandma would always whip up the best pot of potato soup. So, I set out to recreate it. Now, you need to understand that is no easy task for me. I am not naturally gifted at cooking like my mother is or like my grandmother was. I called my girlfriend, she sent recipes and I found some of my own.

I decided to add my own touch to the soup and added spicy sausage and velveeta cheese. The soup turned out okay but it was not perfect. My husband, who is a phenomenal cook ate it. I enjoyed it too. I had plenty left so I put up for another meal.

We decided to have it again for dinner this evening. I added more potatoes and some carrots and celery to it. The whole time I was messing around with it I had the greatest feeling of joy. I added a dash of this seasoning and dash of that one. I could hear my grandmother and great aunts Jessie and Frankie who have gone on to Heaven laughing and talking like they use to around the kitchen table at Thanksgiving. Memories of my mom cooking dinner when I was a child flooded my mind's eye.

Tonight the potato soup was even better than a few days before. All the flavors had gelled together and it tasted exquisite to me. My husband even said it was delicious. If you know him that's a major compliment! I suspect my grandmother threw in an extra dash love when I was not looking.

Once again, I realized how blessed I have been to have such strong and beautiful women in my life. None of them were or are perfect, no one ever is. Yet, I have always known in my heart they loved me no matter what, especially my momma and my grandmother.

God blows my mind most days with the things He uses to teach me and remind of His love. Today He used potato soup. Go figure! I will think of it the same.

I love you grandma Mary and momma!!

Gratitude 11/6/19

The other night I was listening to TD Jakes. I often listen to him. He has a way with words that reach deep into my heart. He was teaching on a different subject but he spoke about the friendship and deep bond that Jonathan and David shared. He spoke about how David was a shepherd boy and Jonathan was the son of a king. They came from totally different worlds. Yet, these differences did not matter because God chose them to be together.

Well, this sermon immediately called to mind one of the best friends I've ever had in my life. Her name is Polly. We are polar opposites. She loves stylish clothes and has a house that is to die for. She has that gift for designing and making a home look absolutely beautiful. She's a phenomenal cook too. Then there's me. I prefer a pair of old comfortable blue jeans. I've never kept up with styles. My home is clean but I've never been much of a designer. I hate to cook.

Yet, several years ago at lunchtime God made our paths cross. Little did the two of us realize what God had in store. Polly was there to help me pack and move at the end of a bad relationship. She held me and prayed with me when I cried. Over the years we have grown together.

We have weathered the storms of life together. We have laughed and celebrated in births and mourned over deaths. We have texted and called eachother at all hours of the day and night. We have prayed together many times. We have agreed, disagreed, hung up on eachother only to call back and make up. We have threatened to pull a "Thelma and Louis" and leave town together or be the "Golden Girls".

Through it all our love and friendship has survived. My life would be so empty without her in it. I have very few people in my circle and she is one. Her friendship is one of the greatest treasures I have. Tonight, I am very grateful for my friend Polly. 💜

Gratitude 11/5/19

I wrote this a long time ago but it still rings true today...

Nov 25, 2010

Gratitude

by Andrea Tadpole 

Gratitude is not all the flowery words we say 
Or how good we look on the outside 
It's found in the silent places 
In the stillness of our hearts 
It's seen in the small unnoticed things we do for those in need 
It's in the art of listening 
In shouldering someone's burdens without reward or accolades 
True gratitude is not a nostalgic feeling we have when we look to our past 
Its a choice we make to love the unloveable 
Those we meet along God's path before us 
Gratitude is an action 
A response to the grace God has given us 
And evidence of the miracle 
He has wrought within our hearts

Gratitude 11/4/19

Today I am grateful for the unconditional love God has for me. No matter how many times I've screwed up in my life, and believe me there have been many, God still loves me and takes care of me. His love, grace and mercy is never ending. 

Gratitude 11/3/19

Today I'm just keeping it short and simple. I'm grateful for peace of mind, my sobriety and a warm bed to sleep in. There was a time in my life I had none of those. God is good!

Gratitude 11/2/19

Gratitude 11/2/19

Today I got to spend part of the day with my two oldest granddaughters Destiny and Kaylee. Destiny is 19 and Kaylee will be 17 soon. Oh my goodness! Thinking about how fast time has flown with them blows my mind!! They are both so amazing to me and I feel blessed to be chosen to be their grandmother. I am very grateful for days like today with them.

Each of these two young women hold a very special and sacred place in my heart. They are both learning to maneuver through this crazy life and trying to find their own paths. I pray for them every day that God holds them in His hands, protects them and guides them even when I'm long gone. I pray for them just like my grandma always prayed for me. 🙏💜🙏

I hope they remember to take care of themselves FIRST and not settle for someone unless they treat them like the beautiful queens they are. Life is too short to spend it with people who don't add value their lives. My grandma use to tell me, "Andi, don't waste time settling for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when God has a steak around the corner." I didn't listen and I have the battle scars to prove it. I hope they don't get as many scars as I did!

My grandma was always there to dust me off and pick up the pieces. She taught me so much. Many of things I'm just now beginning to understand. I will always be there for these two beautiful young ladies and hope I can impart the wisdom to them that my grandma gave me.

I love you Destiny and Kaylee!!

Gratitude 11/1/19

Dang! We are already in November. Last year I suspended my grateful posts for the month of November. I was in funk and didn't care. I've decided this year, regardless of how I feel I'm doing it. So here is my grateful post for November 1st:

Gratitude 11/1/19

One of the greatest blessings I've been given this year made his appearance into this crazy world on 12/12/18. My little grandson Michael is absolutely awesome! He is the answer to many years of prayer from this grandmother. He is truly the oil of joy!! He laughs all the time, totally loves his momma and is crazy about his daddy. He has a zest for life that comes from the innocence and absolute trust of a child. His mom dubbed him Squirmy and it's easy to see why. He wriggles free to explore everything. He's on the verge walking. Look out world when he does!! Michael has reminded me that there is great beauty and joy even in the darkest times. I love you little man, more than you will ever know!! 💜💜💜

The Grasshopper

The Grasshopper 

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

I wrote this on 8/17/19

Today I hurriedly got in the car to go get my nails done. I jumped in and took off real fast. Just as I rounded the corner out of my neighborhood I noticed there was a grasshopper sitting on the outside of my windshield. I did not want to turn on my windshield wipers and kill him. I figured he would get blown away or jump soon. As I was driving, I started thinking about how much my granddaughter Destiny hates grasshoppers. They scare her because they jump so high and fast.

I realized that grasshoppers have been all around me this summer and it was obvious that this one wanted to hitch a ride. I was heading to the other side of town from where I lived to an area called Jenks, it is much nicer than my neighborhood. By now I was on the highway several miles away from home. The grasshopper was still there hanging on for dear life to the windshield wiper. As the wind picked up he moved behind the wiper where he was shielded from the wind.

I started thinking about how God always uses even the smallest animal to teach me things and here was this tiny grasshopper on this journey with me. It was no coincidence. It occurred to me that wherever this grasshopper decided to finally jump off at would be a whole new world for him. He was going from the ghetto that I lived in to a much better place.

I thought about what a windshield does. It actually shields me from the wind. I started laughing and thinking about all the different sermons I have listened to lately. They have been about God's love and how He grants us favor and shields us during life’s storms. They have spoken of how His mercies are never-ending and how He moves swiftly to elevate us to higher levels.

Then I thought, I am just like this grasshopper. I live in the ghetto, I have all these true needs and troubles on my mind. So, not too long ago I decided to jump on God’s car and hitch a ride. So, here I am now on His windshield hanging on for dear life because my world is crazy right now. I have managed to get behind the wiper, to His hiding place where I am shielded from the wind. I am careening through space at what feels like warp speed on God’s highway. I do not know where I am going but it has to be better than where I have been.

My favorite story in the Bible is Doubting Thomas because that is who I am. I do not understand what I call the “name it claim it, nab it blab it” churches that say you must have enough faith to get something. I do EVERYTHING afraid most of the time. I just keep getting up every day and asking God if He is real and He lets me poke His side and see the nail scars in His hands. Then, just like the grasshopper, I jump on His windshield for another day and hitch a ride. So far He has never let me fly off and I always eventually end up in a better place.

Thank you tiny grasshopper for letting God use you to teach me something today. Hope where you hopped off was Heaven to you!

Adonai

by Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

When my granddaughter Zoey died I used to listen to this CD over and over because it comforted me. One time I saw Zoey at God's throne dancing and worshipping in a vision. She looked at me and grabbed my hand and said, "Dance GeGe, dance!!" She pulled me out from the side and we danced around the throne together. I will never forget it. I lost the CD years ago and have longed for it but I could not remember the name of it, only what the cover looked like. Today, I have felt like giving up. My eyes are worse, I'm tired and other stuff going on. I sit down and open YouTube to listen to something inspirational and what pops up out of nowhere just now? Zoey and my grandson Mikey always find a way to say hello from Heaven!!! I am just so humbled by God's love right now as I listen with tears running down my face. Even in the one of the hardest times of my life He gives me this...the very thing my heart, mind and spirit needed.

Watch "Various Artists - Adonai: The Power Of Worship From The Land Of Israel" on YouTube
https://youtu.be/TJC5djHAliA

Thirty-three Years Sober

It is midnight on July 5, 2019 and I am celebrating 33 years of sobriety. I always call July 5th my rebirth day because it was the day God gave me my life back and I was reborn. This past year has been hell. In many ways one of the worst of my sobriety. I have not picked up a drug or drink thanks to God's amazing grace and mercy. Yet, there have been many things that have happened beyond my control that cut me to the bone. Most days I have literally trudged through the day fighting back tears. I have buried my grandmother, buried my husband's brother, dealt with family drama that ripped my heart apart, survived the recent flood, then spent 9 days in the hospital with a vision problem that still is not solved. I have other problems going on too every day.

Yet, in the middle of all the seeming chaos and sorrow of my life I have had some very awesome and beautiful things happen. We celebrated the birth of my beautiful grandson Michael Charles in December. He was an answer to many prayers from myself and our family. He is the happiest little boy and his smile and laughter is the medicine for my broken spirit.

We celebrated the high school graduation of my oldest granddaughter Destiny in May. That moment was one of the proudest for me. See, when she was born I did not know how we could provide for her. Yet, step by step and day by day God has always made a way for her.

I have watched my son, daughter, daughter-in-love, granddaughters Kaylee, Bella and Courtney push through life one day at a time as well. All of my granddaughters made it through another year of school. My kids have survived despite bumps and sometimes craters in the road of life. Despite their imperfections I am so proud of them and love them with all that I am.

Tonight I was sitting in the house thinking I always buy and watch the kids shoot fireworks to celebrate my sobriety birthday and this year I did not have the money. I thought well it is what it is. Then, Andre came inside and said come watch the fireworks. So, I went out to the yard and the neighbors put on a show. It was just what I needed. Sometimes I forget that God is ALWAYS there, even in the littlest things like fireworks for me to watch and celebrate my sobriety.

I asked my son yesterday, "Where is your gratitude?" The reality is, I was asking myself. There are lots of changes coming in the future...some good, some bad, some sad, some unexpected. Yet, I am reminded again to count my blessings and be grateful for all that I have. I do not know what the next year brings, but with God's grace and mercy I will face it sober. For, without my sobriety I have nothing.

One last thought, when I got sober 33 years ago I was young and scared. I had no idea how to do this thing called life and I wanted to die. Yet this little boy Sedrick and little girl Alicia desperately needed me to pull it together and be the mother I needed to be. So, I took it scary step by scary step, minute by minute, day by day. If had relapsed back to drinking and drugging I would have died and missed out on these two beautiful children and their lives. They have grown with me and often raised me, but we made it. I am so grateful I did not miss out on them and my grandchildren. What a gift!

The Flood of May 2019

I live about 2 miles from the levy walls on 65th W Ave and Charles Page. This is the scariest thing I've gone through in my life other than getting sober a long time ago. At one point the other night I didn't know if I should hide in the basement from a tornado or climb on the roof because of a flood. I prayed and God gave me the clarity I needed. My granddaughter, my animals and I are safe. People stepped up to help, they are my angels. I wish my husband was here but he stayed home to keep looters away. I hope he doesn't get hurt.

I was laying in my hotel bed after I evacuated in the wee hours of Sunday morning thinking and I realized this flood and storms is a metaphor for my life. I am dealing with a problem with my vision and I have random spells of blurred vision and sometimes blindness, it's a possible brain tumor or something. I'm waiting on a cancellation at Claremore Indian hospital for an MRI of my eyes and brain. If they don't get a cancellation soon my appointment is July 30th. I'm scared...BIG TIME SCARED. I can't wait that long!! I'm also looking for another job and have other issues to deal with.

This whole flood nightmare has made me go back to one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I have to take life that way right now or I'll go crazy. So, all this crap life is throwing at me is in God's hands. I can't, He can, I think I'll let Him.

I have a granddaughter Zoey who died many years ago and she always comes to me as a butterfly. Today I was out walking my dog and a tiny little butterfly flew ahead of me all along my walk. Any time I stopped it stopped. I know it was Zoey telling me that even though I don't know what the future holds or what the plan is everything will be ok.

Reposting for Rhonda

I realized it's my sister-in-law Rhonda's birthday today so in her memory I am reposting this.

Note: I wrote this for my "Big Sis" Rhonda...I will miss her and never forget her...RIP Rhonda :'(

The Oldest

by Andrea Tadpole

You were told
From the very start
You're the oldest
You must be strong

Take care of your
Little brothers and sisters
Protect them
And guard their
Every heart

You must always
Be there
Whatever is needed
You do

Yet never
Show your
Weakness
Lest you fail
The little ones
They're always
Looking up to you

Problem is
You never learned
To let anyone
Care for you

You hid your worries
Deep inside
After all
You're the oldest
That's what you were
Supposed to do

Why does God
Let some live
While others
He let's die

It seems
He takes the
Beautiful ones
And leaves
The rest of us
To cry

I suspect
He looked down
And saw your
Every pain

Knew you couldn't
Take it and
Brought you home
Out of the rain

Thoughts on Faith

I texted this to my son today and I don't want to lose it. I'm going to put in the book I write before I die someday.

Thoughts on Faith

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

You remember when Destiny was born? When Alicia got pregnant I had no clue how I was going to take care of a baby. I had no money and a crappy job. I look back and I see God's hands all over us then. If He can do that then He will take care of you and Victoria and Michael. Help will come from the strangest most unexpected places. Look at where it came from for us and Destiny.

People who didn't even know us came out of the woodwork. We were given diapers and clothes enough that I didn't buy any for a year! God reminded me of money Mike had hidden years before and I was able to get a car for Alicia. Someone gave her just enough $ for a crib and carseat. Someone else gave us the pack n play.

You and I are both in a scary spot in life but these are times when God shines the brightest.

Sonya texted me this the other day:
God writes your story. Praying you are able to live the story God wrote about you! Also, in Exodus, there is a scripture when the Hebrew people left Egypt and were up against the sea God spoke to them and said "Stand still and watch the salvation of the Lord". Same goes for you! 

When I read that I got this picture in my heart of little old me standing at the Red Sea with parted walls of water towering over me on either side. I could hear God saying, "Walk through, I got this." Could you imagine that? I stood there for a minute amazed and terrified but then I saw the Egyptians or enemies fast approaching so I thought what the hell go for it. Somehow despite my humanity and Doubting Thomas personality,  God still pulls me through and saves me. He does the same for you.

So, you tell me to have faith and I'll tell you. We will get thru this thing called life together. Ok? I love you son.

Tears

It's been 235 days since my grandma Lillian died. This came in my email today. I like what it says.

Tears - Day #235

My most recent hospice client hated to cry. Part of it comes from being unable to wipe her own tears away; part of it comes from family members who tend to get annoyed or angry when she cries – because they are powerless to “fix things,” not because they’re mean. Her tears make her really mad; and this anger has nowhere to go either: she is literally paralyzed in bed and has no way to rid herself of rage. She is physically frozen, but emotionally seething.

One day I read her a passage from a book about the healing power of tears, and it was the key to moving her forward into expressing her grief around her own imminent passing. She cried for a long time; not sobbing, just a quiet weeping. I wiped her eyes, and cheeks, sat very close, and looked at her with compassion and love.
Don’t forget to cry, and do it often. Every drop carries away the toxins of sorrow, and leaves your body refreshed and more able to carry on through the overall grieving process.

Quotation of the Day
And with tears of blood he cleansed the hand,
The hand that held the steel:
For only blood can wipe out blood
And only tears can heal. - Oscar Wilde

Butterfly Message

My husband wrote this for his sister who died in 2001. I'm sharing it on my blog so I do not lose  it. I think its beautiful.

Butterfly Message for Dearest Carolyn
Our Daughter, Our Sister, Mother, Wife and Friend

July 1, 1965 – May 9, 2001

By Andre M. Broussard

Your beautiful smile now will be shared by all to see. You smiled through the pain. Your many Journeys through life have been a challenge. You have managed to continue on, when so many would have given up. Your strength and courage has been a personal testament to us all. You have earned your wings among the Angels.

Your growth and development reminds us all of the Butterfly Message which went as follows:
A man found a cocooned butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seems to stop making progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could not go any farther. So, to help the butterfly he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily, but it had a swollen body and small-shriveled wings. The man watched and waited for the butterfly to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings, so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in all of our lives. If God were to let us go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly! Carolyn, God healing your wings enabling you to soar above us all, has given us hope, that one day our wings will be healed, and each of us will be able to fly together someday.

Now, when we look up among the stars, and gaze at the many beautiful wonders of the night, your star will be the newest and brightest of them all. When we feel the heat from the sun upon us, it will be you embracing us all, letting your loved ones know, you have arrived safely into God’s arms, and you have been greeted by other loved ones, who arrived earlier. And you have been welcomed with open loving arms.
From time to time, there will be signals from you above, reminding each of us that you are keeping a watchful eye on us all. Each time we see a butterfly, we will see you.

We release you for your long awaited journey home. We all know you have left a piece of you here, to protect the many memories of you.
You are loved and cherished and will always be remembered.

Love, your family and friends.

My Journey with Nanuk

by Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

I have always believed that animals have spirits. I also believe that animals are sent to be in our lives like people are. Back in mid February, a friend of mine, April Rain Wind, rescued a dog and posted it on Facebook in hopes that someone would foster him. I usually scroll on by those types of posts but this one stopped me in my tracks. Nanuk, as he has been dubbed, is a White Siberian Husky. His eyes are a beautiful, ice blue and they captivated me from the start, even in pictures. Nanuk had been obviously abused. His 2 front legs had been broken. He also had a choke collar with teeth that had been on him so long it had grown into his neck. He ended up having surgery on his legs and they had to cut the choke collar off.

One thing lead to another and Nanuk came to live with us. From the moment we met he has been like a long lost friend to me. Its as if we've known eachother forever. He is sweet and loving in spite of past hurts. His eyes are even more beautiful in person and I know he can see into a person's soul. I'm very blessed to get share this journey with him.

Over the last few weeks we have all worked hard with him. We have done everything the vet said. He's been on very limited activity, crate to leash to outside for bathroom breaks or eating only. Worn a cone around his neck 24/7. Absolutely no running or jumping. When he first came to us he had splints on both front legs and they were wrapped. At his first checkup the vet found that the splints rubbed sores on his legs that got infected. He spent a few days in the hospital then back home with even more limited activity. If anyone has ever had a Husky you know what a challenge this has been!

Slowly over the weeks Nanuk was getting better and better. He was also making inroads in my heart.  My life had been pretty stressful and he made me focus on something besides me. Needless to say, we have become close friends. I believe you can do that with animals. It's strange, no words every really spoken, yet a bond has grown out of the seeds of love and hope that were planted every day in the commitment to be there.

Anyway, last Saturday, Nanuk took a turn for the worse. He would not use his right leg at all. It started swelling and he was in alot of pain. April and I rushed him to the vet and they said his body might be rejecting the hardware in his legs. We were so scared and I was an emotional wreck inside. The vet started him on antibiotics and we posted a call for prayer for him on Facebook.

All I can say is, PRAYER WORKS!!! Yesterday morning when I took Nanuk for a walk he was putting weight on his right front leg on the walk outside. On the way back in he started limping, I assumed from being tired. As the day went on he got better and better. April, whom I now call his his rescuer and "angel extraordinaire", and I  took him to the vet after work anyway. The vet said he thought the infection was localized and not a rejection to the hardware. He put him on 6 weeks of antibiotics to make sure all infection completely clears out. He said he did not have to wear the cone anymore and next Monday we can start with gradual normal activities. The vet said everything is healing nicely!!

I am so grateful to everyone who has touched Nanuk's life in any way, be it through donations, time, and prayers. I know prayer works!! I am also grateful to this beautiful dog, Nanuk for pulling me and my dear friend April back together. Life makes us all crazy busy sometimes and we lose each other in the pursuit of God-knows-what...I know I'm guilty of it. I believe all animals come to us to teach lessons. Nanuk has taught me to refocus and make time for the ones I Iove.

Thanks again for the prayers everyone! I will keep you updated.

P.S. I let him off the leash for just a few seconds, the first time in weeks. Of course he had to do a victory lap!!! I'm sure next Monday he'll really go crazy! 😍

Nanuk Update 4/2/19

by Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

Last Saturday Nanuk took a turn for the worse. He would not use his right leg at all. It started selling and he was in alot of pain. We rushed him to the vet and they said his body might be rejecting the hardware in his legs. We were so scared and I was an emotional wreck inside. The vet started him on antibiotics and we posted a call for prayer for him on Facebook.

All I can say is, PRAYER WORKS!!! Yesterday morning when I took Nanuk for a walk he was putting weight on his right front leg on the walk outside. On the way back in he started limping I assumed from being tired. As the day went on he got better and better. April Rain Wind, his rescuer and angel extraordinaire and I  took him to the vet after work anyway. The vet said he thought the infection was localized and not a rejection to the hardware. He put him on 6 weeks of antibiotics to make sure all infection completely clears out. He said he did not have to wear the cone anymore and next Monday we can start with gradual normal activities. The vet said everything is healing nicely!! I am so grateful to everyone who has touched Nanuk's life in any way, be it through donations, time, and prayers. I know prayer works!! I am also grateful to this beautiful dog Nanuk for pulling me and friend April back together. Life makes us all crazy busy sometimes and we lose each other in the pursuit of God-knows-what...I know I'm guilty of it. I believe all animals come to us to teach lessons. Nanuk has taught me to refocus and make time for the ones I Iove. Thanks again for the prayers everyone! I will keep you updated.

P.S. I let him off the leash for just a few seconds, the first time in weeks. Of course he had to do a victory lap!!! I'm sure next Monday he'll really go crazy! 😍

Nanuk

I wrote this back in February when I first started fostering my rescue dog Nanuk, a Siberian Husky.

by Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

I have always believed that animals have spirits. I also believe that animals are sent to be in our lives like people are. Recently, a friend of mine rescued a dog and posted it on Facebook in hopes that someone would foster him. I usually scroll on by those types of posts but this one stopped me in my tracks. Nanuk as he has been dubbed, is a White Siberian Husky. His eyes are a beautiful ice blue and they captivated me from the start even in pictures. Nanuk had been obviously abused. He had 2 broken legs. He also had choke collar with teeth that had been on him so long it had grown into his neck. He ended up having surgery on his legs and they had to cut the choke collar off.

One thing lead to another and Nanuk came to live with us. From the moment we met he has been like a long lost friend to me. Its as if we've known eachother forever. He is sweet and loving in spite of past hurts. His eyes are even more beautiful in person and I know he can see into a person's soul. I'm very blessed to get share this journey with him. I love you Nanuk! ❤

If I Died Tonight

by Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

If I died tonight
Would you miss me
Would you have regrets
Things you should have said or done

Would you miss my smile
Crave my touch
In the very depths of your soul
Yet know that you’d never have it
That I’d never be there to hold

If I died tonight
Would your heart ache
And grasp desperately at any way
To cross the great divide
For just a second with me
With your arms open wide

Out of nowhere
Would you hear my voice
Calling out your name
Would you feel your heart leap
Maybe even look
Then remember I’m gone forever
I won’t be coming back again

Eternity is a long time
There are no overs
So why are you wasting your life
And why are you wasting mine

If I died tonight
How would you feel
Really
Stop for one minute and think
How would you feel

I guess I’m the only one that’s real
I live in the moment
I live in now
Sometimes that’s not pretty
Sometimes it’s not happy, joyous and free
It sucks
It’s just reality

See I understand
We don’t live forever
Today is all we have

If you need me
I’m there
I’ll listen
I’ll carry the burden with you
Because I know

If you died tonight
I’d miss you
You’re in my heart
Part of me would die too

If I died tonight
Would you miss me
Just asking
Just need to know
It seems like I'm not that special
Easily forgotten
Even easier to let go

Message to a Friend About Grief

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

I wrote this to a friend in response to her pleas for help in dealing with grief:

I am responding in case you think no one read what you posted. Here is what I think and let me warn you, I'm not sugar coating it for you:

1. I have no idea what your relationship is like with your sister. However you DO have a family even if its small. When we are grieving loss like yours its a time for family to come together to be supportive and not get in fights over petty things. Life is too short, you most of all know that.

2. For myself, when I have been in the depth of grief it has been very intense. Its not pretty at all. I tend to send off vibes that push people away even though that's not what I want. People don't know how to handle me so they back away. I suspect you might be doing that too. It is what it is so hold on while you're riding the tsunami of grief. It will eventually get better and your family and friends will get closer.

3. Self pity is not a requirement for working through the sorrow of losing someone you loved. I am certain your husband would not want you slogging around in self pity. So, try doing something to get out of yourself. How about volunteering at a homeless shelter or the nursery at church or something? I found when I focus on helping others, even in a small way, instead of my problem, somehow it heals my heart too.

4. Find a face-to-face support group for grief or a counselor. Just find something that makes you get up and get out and focus on your own journey and recovery through this.

5. There are no quick fixes. Grief sucks. Its unpredictable, its ugly, it a rollercoaster from one day to the next emotionally. Be kind to yourself.

6. Instead of uprooting your life all at once, why don't you plan a take some trips to different places that you've always wanted to go? Figure out what YOU like first. Then if you want to move go for it!

7. Nobody can fix you. While its nice to have the company of friends, grief is a journey we walk alone. So, start taking care of yourself and stop whining. My grief therapist told me that years ago and she was right. Get up every day, put your makeup on, go for a walk or drive or whatever you can find even small bits of joy in. Eventually the small bits of joy turn into big ones and your heart will start to heal.

8. Come to Tulsa any time you want. I'd be happy to have lunch with you or something. I really do love you, ya know? ❤

9. Last but not least, pray continually. Hang on to God with all your might. Trust Him and let Him guide you. He will never let you down.

I'll get off my soapbox now.

Sending much love from this grief survivor to you. My prayers are always going up for you! 🙏🙏🙏

Prayer for My Family

My family is going through alot right now. My daughter and her two youngest girls are battling the flu right now. So far, my daughter doesn't have it. My daughter-in-love has some health issues going on and my son has his ongoing battles. My nephew, Jere is having a medical procedure tomorrow. So, I am posting a prayer for them. Please, if you believe in the power of prayer stand in agreement with me.

Prayer for My Family

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

Father God, I come to you tonight and I ask you to wrap Bella and Courtney up in your arms and give them rest and peace. I pray that you touch them and heal them from tops of their heads to the soles of their feet. I rebuke this sickness that is plaguing them and I plead the blood of Jesus over them. I speak complete healing into their bodies right now. I command, in your name that their bodies line up with your word that says by your stripes they are healed. Lord, I pray a hedge of protection around my daughter, that she will not get the flu, that it dies if touches her. I speak health and energy into her body and peace for her mind. I pray that you grant Alicia unmerited favor with her employer during this difficult time. Please give Alicia the peace passes all understanding and help her rest.

Lord, I lift Sedrick and Victioria up to you. Lord, I speak healing into Victoria's body. I pray that her immune system strengthens and heals the infection she has. Father God I pray that you give my son strength and relieve his pain. I rebuke and I cast lupus into the pits of hell where it belongs. Lord I know you have the same love for my son that you have for David. I know the lyrics and music he writes are your greatest joy and all of Heaven rejoices when he sings. Father God break Sedrick free from the writer's block he has. Loose the chains from his heart and mind and make the anointing of the Holy Spirit overtake and consume him. Lead him to the job he needs and make him prosper so he can take care of his young family.

Lord I hold up my nephew Jere to you. God I am many states away from him but you are right there with him. God, please take care of him and bring him through the procedure tomorrow safely and give him a speedy recovery. Bring all the help he needs for him and his boys to him. Calm his spirit and ease his mind in Jesus name.

Lord please bless and strengthen my parents too. Give them energy and vitality. Please keep them safe.

Father God I rebuke the spirit of fear that seems to plague us all. I pray that you would give us the stability and security that comes from knowing that you will never leave us or forsake us. Lord, I ask you to shut the mouths of those who would speak negativity into our lives and try to tear us down. Remove the bullies from our lives. Bring us all the agape love you taught us while here on earth even though we do not deserve it. Help us to treat others with that same love too.

Father God, I believe and know that my prayers go on for eternity. They don't just hit the ceiling and bounce back. The prayers my grandmother prayed for me so many years ago got me sober and keep me sober today. So, I pray in faith now for my family, my children, grandchildren and generations to come. I call down a legion of angels to surround and guard and protect them all and those to come. I rebuke the evil one who is trying to destroy them in the name of Jesus. I pray that the Holy Spirit will reach out and touch my family and give them discernment so they know which way to go in life.

Lord, I have faith in you and know you hear the prayers of this lowly woman who loves her family with all that I am. I know you answer prayers because I'm living proof. Please, protect and bless my family, children, grandchildren and those to come. Give them peace, health and prosperity. Make a way when it looks like there is none. Guide them and shelter them all the days of their lives, long after I am gone.

I pray this in the holy, blessed name of my savior and brother and your son Jesus.

Amen

Hellos from Heaven

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

Most everyone knows by now that my family and I have been through great losses over the years. My children's father Mike, my granddaughter Zoey, my grandson Mikey, my grandparents, my sister-in-law Rhonda...the list goes on and on. Grief has been a constant companion in my life because it is inevitable when I have lost those I love so much.

Over the years I have found my own ways of grieving and dealing with loss. I have found ways to find joy in the midst of deepest sorrows. There is one thing that I have done for a long time. I am not even sure when or how it started now, I just know it worked so I kept doing it. I always watch for what I call "Hellos from Heaven". These hellos are random things that happen that remind me my loved ones are still around me in spirit. For example, when I see frogs I know my grandson is near, if I see a cardinal I know it my grandmother Mary, etc. One that is particularly special to me is butterflies because I always feel my granddaughter Zoey is near.

Like most people, I often get busy and wound up in the chaos and worries of life. I forget to be still and watch for the "Hellos from Heaven". Today was one of those days. I have been very busy at work all week and also very concerned about my two granddaughters Bella and Courtney. They are both home with the flu. My daughter Alicia is a single mom and working and taking care of them. She is worn out. I have been so worried and praying like crazy for them.

Today, I decided to work straight through lunch and leave a little early so I could take a care package to the girls. I decided I would wear gloves and a mask to protect me from exposure to the flu. I stopped by the drugstore and could not find any masks. I was searching hurriedly through the store and running all kinds of ideas through my mind of what else I could use. Just as I was about to give up something orange caught my attention in the corner of my eye. I looked and there laid a beautiful orange bandana with butterflies all over it. It was just the right size to tie around my nose and mouth. I stopped in my tracks and smiled because I knew it was my sweet Zoey telling me she was with me and everything would be okay. So, I tied my butterfly bandana around my face when I went in to see the girls. They laughed and I told them about the "Hellos from Heaven" and that Zoey wanted them to know everything was going to be okay. We all laughed with joy together and I know Zoey was there laughing with us.

There are many people in this world who think my "Hellos from Heaven" are not real and that I am crazy. Those kind of people are not a part of my life for long. I know our spirits live on forever because I have seen them. I also know that just when I need it most "Hellos from Heaven" appear. Thank you my sweet Zoey for finding a way to bridge the divide and reach my heart today with your beautiful hello. I love you forever my sweet granddaughter. ❤

My Little Boy

Written with love for my son Sedrick on January 5, 2019 - the day before his 37th birthday

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

37 years ago today I was in the midst of long, hard labor with my first child. Back then we did not have ultrasounds to tell us what we were having before our baby was born. Yet, I just knew it was a boy. I had picked his name when I was 14 years old. I had seen a movie called Little Lord Fauntleroy. It was a story about the love between a mother and her son who was named Sedrick. I knew at that moment I would have a little boy who would have the same name someday and we would share the same deep love for each other. I remember when Sedrick was born, the first time I heard his cry it was like music to my heart and soul because I knew he was alive and well. From that moment on he has been one of the deepest loves of my life. 

I was only 19 when I had him. Him being my oldest child and me being so young, he and I grew up together. As a little boy he was always the one that woke up happy. Every morning he would jump in my lap and kiss my cheek and tell me how much he loved me. Even when I was at my worst, face down in my puke drunk this little guy never gave up on me. He just loved me for me. No expectations, no hatred, just pure love.

As time marched on I got sober and he road that crazy roller coaster with me. He's been through hell and back with me many times over. From me learning how to live again in sobriety, to divorce, to my crazy idea to move to Las Vegas for awhile. Even through it all he always managed to be my comedian. He has always found a way to make me laugh and smile even in my darkest hours.

As a young teenager he found music and took off like a rocket. His music is the oil of joy to me. I will never forget the day he sang a song that he wrote for me. It was just another hectic day and Mother's Day was close. In the middle of the chaos he stopped me in my tracks when he said, "Mom, listen to this song I wrote!" I begrudgingly stopped what I was doing. Then he started singing, "Happy Mother's Day Momma, I made you breakfast in bed! Oh how I love you Momma even when you've done wrong." As he sang my heart melted and tears filled my eyes. I saw there before me the beautiful gift God gave me in him. That song has saved me many times when life has kicked my teeth in. It always comes up in my heart and reminds me that there is one person left in this world who loves me...my son.

Eventually, this beautiful young man graduated school and got married. I will remember the day my son became a man in my eyes like it was yesterday. It was when I watched him place his little baby girl's casket in the ground. I knew the love he had for her and I knew how much pain he was in. Yet, he loved her so much he laid her to rest himself. Words cannot describe how horribly beautiful that moment was. I stood in awe of him and I still do today. I realized again, how blessed I was to be chosen to be his mother.

Over the years we have been through alot. Most of it together; some of it apart for awhile. But somehow we have always found our way back to each other again. We have argued, fought, yelled, cried, played, joked and laughed together. We have not done life perfectly but we are still there for each other. Our love for one another has never died.

I have watched him raise his daughter and seen what an awesome father he is. Now, I get to watch him raise his newborn son. I watch from the outside in on his life and I am so proud of him. He has grown into such a fine, loving man, husband and father. Even though he's fighting his own battle with a chronic illness he never gives up. He always pushes and gives his all.

If I had been asked to draw a picture or write a story 37 years ago about the son I would have I would have short changed myself. I could have never imagined the man I would so humbly call my son today. He is a bright and shining spirit full of love and compassion. He is not perfect. He's an awful lot like me, opinionated and passionate. He deeply loves his family and most of all he deeply loves the Lord.

So, on the eve of your 37th birthday, my dear sweet Seddy, I just want you to know that no matter how crazy life gets I am still here. I love you and I am proud of you. I was your first and most devoted fan and I always will be. I knew and loved you long before anyone else. You had my heart then and always will. Happy birthday!

Love,
Momma ❤