My Little Angel

I feel like I should say this before I tell you my story. I know that most of my current writings are about grief, loss and the hard knocks of life. Sometimes I write happy stuff, but lately life has been real hard. When it is like that, the grief comes back. It is a cathartic type of release to write it out. On one hand I feel as though I should apologize for it; yet on the other it's my reality. So, if you are looking for froofy, happy stories look elsewhere. This my voice for now. Hopefully it will change soon. If it helps someone to read it, give God the credit, not me. Here goes...

My Little Angel 

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

12/27/19

My attention span is short so I rarely watch a television movie all the way through. However, last night I stumbled upon a movie called The Coat of Many Colors about Dolly Parton. During the movie there was scene where Dolly's mother gave birth to her little brother too early and he did not survive. During this part of the movie a song was playing that Dolly wrote called Angel Hill. It was about the hope of a soon coming child and the sorrow of losing him. Sometimes I hear a song for the first time and it evokes deep emotions and memories that are hidden far inside my heart. This song was one of them. 

The song took me back to when I was 18 years old. I had been married a few months to my first husband. I found out I was pregnant and I was so excited. Back then we did not have DNA tests or ultrasounds. You could not find out what you were having but I always knew in my heart that I was carrying a little boy. I was still young and full of hope for our future. Life had not kicked my teeth in....yet.

About 3 months into the pregnancy I lost my little boy. Miscarriages were not talked about in that day. They just did a D & C and sent you home. I will never forget the hollow, broken feeling I had inside. My husband moved us out of town to live with his parents. I think he hoped a change of scenery would help me. We had a bedroom upstairs. I hid there and rarely came out for anything. The sorrow and despair was so deep I could not move. It seemed like I was there for years but I know it was only a month or so. It felt like a deep darkness overtook me. No one spoke to me about my baby, not even my husband. It felt like the whole world wanted me to forget him, suck it up and move on but I did not know how.

One day, my mom came into town. Her mother's instinct had kicked in. She just knew something was wrong and she came to check on me. I was in bed, running a fever. She rushed me to the doctor. I guess I had just been so depressed I did not realize how sick I was. I had a kidney infection. My mom did her best to get me well and went home. 

Soon after that, someone gave me a little kitten that needed to be bottle fed. They found it abandoned and alone. At about the same time, we managed to get our own apartment. Every 2 hours I would get up and feed this tiny kitten. She gave me a sense of purpose and it made me get out of bed. I named her Tina after my best friend in school as a child. I would sit and hold little Tina wrapped in a blanket and cry. I told her everything no one else wanted to hear. She eventually grew up, but in those few weeks of nurturing her she helped me climb out of the pit of sorrow. She was my best friend for her entire life. It always amazes me how God has used animals so many times in my life to love me and teach me things.

A few months later I got pregnant again. I held my breath inside the whole time I was pregnant, until I heard my son Sedrick cry. He truly was and still is my oil of joy just like his son Michael is to him and his momma now. Life went on and I had my daughter Alicia a few years later but I never forgot the little boy I lost. 

I have always called my first son my little angel. It was about this time of year that I lost him. That explains the sadness that has been gnawing so much at my heart lately. I long deeply to see his face and hug him when I get to Heaven some day. I do not sit around in deep sorrow anymore about him, but he is always there. He is a part of me and for me, he was alive inside me and still is in my heart. It is a love only a mother can understand. 

This song, Angel Hill is about the place Dolly's little brother was buried. For me, Angel Hill is a place deep in my heart where my little angel lives. It is also a place in Heaven where we will meet again.

Oh, my little angel! You are alive in my heart forever and never forgotten. I will meet you on Angel Hill some day.

I love you more,

Momma 💜

Watch "Alyvia Alyn Lind and Dolly Parton Singing Angel Hill Live on Home & Family, May 31, 2016" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/F9J15walujY