Thoughts

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

December 14, 2019

I have been sitting here for a while listening to praise and worship music. I have been trying settle mind and soothe my heart. I have been through alot this last week. I have had to keep it all together and its finally hitting me. The tears are rolling, the dam had broken and I cannot stop them. I hate it when I cry because I feel like I am weak. Yet I know if I just let it flow God has a way of healing me through the tears.

I will try to make sense of my thoughts and ramblings but I cannot promise anything. They are a jumbled up mess right now. So, please bare with me as I share my heart.

Last Friday my husband and I attended the funeral of a family friend three hours away. She was only 51 years old and just fell asleep one night and did not wake up. She was younger than me and it really hit me hard. It reminded me again of the frailty of life and not taking things and people you love for granted. The holidays are hard for me because too many of my loved ones have passed on. I do not know why, but this year my heart aches for them worse than ever. 

The funeral of our friend was beautiful. I know that it sounds weird to describe it that way but it was beautiful. I felt the Holy Spirit rain down on us like I have never felt before. The music was amazing and I swear I heard angels singing along with us.

While we were singing I saw a vision of our friend, my loved ones and countless others in Heaven singing and dancing before God's throne. I was in awe. As much as I miss my loved ones I would not wish them back here in this crazy world even if I could. They are at God's throne, healthy, at peace and whole. What more could one want?

We came straight home from the funeral. A couple of hours later my husband got sick and was transported by ambulance to the hospital. I followed in my car. I got back to the ER room he was in just as a group of nurses and doctors were cutting off his shirt. The monitor showed a flat line. They were getting ready to put the paddles on his chest and he came back at the last minute. I stood there watching this man that I love so deeply nearly die. It was the most horrible feeling to know that I was helpless to do anything. All I could was pray and believe me, I prayed.

The hospital was jam packed and there were no regular hospital rooms available. The hallways of the ER were lined with sick people on gurneys and in wheelchairs all waiting for a room. At least we had a room in ER where I could close the doors. I shoved a couple of folding chairs together and tried to sleep a little. 

We were in ER for two nights waiting on a regular room. I was exhausted and my back was aching with pain by the second night. I was to the point I could not take it anymore. I prayed and asked God to help me. Then, like an angel out of nowhere this housekeeper came in and saw what I was sleeping on. She told she had a surprise for me and came back in a few minutes with a recliner. That made me feel so good and I actually got a little sleep. The recliner reminded me that God sees us and answers even the smallest prayers right when we need them the most. We made it home Monday and my husband is weak but okay. It will take time for him to recuperate. 

Tuesday was my birthday. I turned 57. It was uneventful and pretty much glossed over by everyone. Oh, they did the obligatory happy birthday. Well, everyone did but my husband. He had been through too much and forgot all about it. My daughter had my granddaughter buy and little cake for me and she and I ate it. It was a nice and I appreciate it. I do not expect anything huge for my birthday,  just a simple "happy birthday, I love you" is enough. 

I just feel forgotten by most of the people in my life unless they need something. It hurts when I am not acknowledged. I do not think that is asking too much. I often wonder if anyone really loves me for me or do they just love me for what I do for them? I wish someone just loved me. I do not know if I am making any sense but that is how I feel.

Anyway, I got through my birthday. My grandson was born two days after my birthday last year so he turned one on December 12th. I went to see him on his birthday. I always say he is our oil of joy. His smile and laughter fill my heart and take the sting of the hard knocks of life away. This little boy is an answer to prayer and I love him more than I have words to describe. Being with him for a little bit kinda reset me inside and calmed my spirit.

So, I was sitting here earlier thinking about this past week. My husband nearly died. God brought him back. Things could be so much worse. I could have been planning a funeral. Instead I am home. I am trying to get the laundry caught up. I am kind of back to my "weird normal" whatever that is.

The main thing I can take away from this week is that God will never leave me or forsake me. I listen to TD Jakes alot. I heard part of a sermon in the middle of this chaotic week. He said God will always give you a safe place to Hide; He will Hold you and He will Help you. I have seen God do this all week.

I have other things going on that I am afraid  and worried about. Yet, I keep thinking of the disciples on the boat with Jesus during a storm. Jesus said peace be still and the storm stopped. I am reminded to keep my focus on God and He will guide and give me peace. 

I am not a churchy person, I am a spiritual person. I met my Savior at the foot of my bed, alone and in despair 33 years ago. I am not perfect. If I was I wouldn't need a Savior. 

Christmas is not about the gifts and commercialism it has become. It is about a loving Savior who chose to leave the glory of Heaven and become a man in order be our ultimate sacrifice. So, in the middle of all this holiday hustle and bustle just stop for a moment and remember what Christmas really is.

Merry Christmas to everyone and especially all my friends and family!! Oh, and thank God my husband is alive and I made it through this crazy week sober.