Nov 25, 2022

Chocolate Pie

Chocolate Pie

Thanksgiving 2022

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

Thanksgiving is a time of being grateful and spending time with family. It is also a time of continuing traditions passed down from one generation to the next. One such tradition in our family was making pies. My grandmother Mary, my mom's mom, was an excellent cook and baker so naturally she was responsible for Thanksgiving dinner every year. She made the best pies around, especially chocolate meringue. My Dad loved chocolate pies and looked forward to hers.

My grandmother died a long time ago and with her our Thanksgiving dinners. After that, somewhere along the way, I am not exactly sure when, I was dubbed the pie maker of my little family. I promise you, my abilities in the kitchen are not that great. I have managed to master making two kinds of pies though, cherry cheese and chocolate. Honestly, it is not that hard to do. I buy premade graham cracker pie shells. I follow the recipe on one of pie crust labels for the cherry cheese and use instant pudding for the chocolate. 

Since being passed the pie making torch in my family, I have always made my Dad two chocolate pies for Thanksgiving and Christmas. In fact, he would remind me a couple of weeks in advance about "his pies" every year without fail. I always made sure he had them. There were times I was worn out from work and would grumble to myself about having to make them but I would do it regardless. After he was diagnosed with diabetes I started secretly using sugar free pudding mix. He never knew the difference.

I have been working alot and trying to focus on other things to keep my mind busy so I do not sink into the doldrums over the holidays this year. It is my first year without my Dad and it is hard. My heart aches for him all the time. I thought I was doing pretty good at focusing on the positive until this morning.

I was making pies for Thanksgiving dinner. I got the two cherry cheese pies done and got the sugar free chocolate pudding ready. When I went to fill the pie shells with chocolate pudding the tears started and grabbed me by my throat out of nowhere it seemed. I stopped what I was doing and sobbed. 

I cried for all the Thanksgiving dinners I did not do with my Dad when I was young and stupid. I always figured there was next year and next year never came. It took me till I was in my forties to understand how important my parents were and to spend time with them. You never know when their time will be up.

I also cried for the year I have been through. This time last year I never would have thought my Dad would be gone this year. I cried because I cannot remember last Thanksgiving. Everything blurred out on me when my Dad lost his battle and died this past February. I honestly do not remember whether I made him chocolate pie last year or not. I know it is not that big of a deal now, but grief makes my mind grab on the the craziest things sometimes.

Memories of past family dinners also flooded my mind. Pictures of people who have passed on flashed by like a slide projector, one after another. I realized that despite the fact that my parents and grandparents were not perfect, they did the best they could with what they had, just like I do with my kids and grandkids. I come from strong, determined and hardworking people. I know they loved me and those who are not here still do because love never dies. I wiped my tears and finished making my pies. 

I allowed myself a treat tonight. I ate some chocolate pie. As I finished my last bite, the thought crossed my mind that I would make my Dad a thousand chocolate pies every day for the rest of my life if I could have him back.

Tonight I am grateful for my little family. We are not perfect but we love eachother. In the end all that is left is love. It is the only thing we can take with us to other side. Love never dies.

I hope you enjoyed the best chocolate pie in Heaven today Daddy....I love you!! ❤️

Nov 20, 2022

Gratitude Day 20

Gratitude Day 20

My Little Christmas Tree and Family

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

11/20/22

Hell froze over today...I put up a little Christmas tree this year! Last year was a nightmare with my Dad sick, by Christmas it was not looking good for him and I did not celebrate it or put up a tree at all. This Christmas I am trying to have something positive for myself and my little family. That is how my Dad would want it.

YES...it might be a little early to put it up. Snarky comments have already been made. I DO NOT CARE what the "normal" protocol is. It was all I could do to put it up because of the never ending ache in my heart. Too early? Too bad, do not bother looking at it or commenting on it then.

Me? I am going to enjoy looking at it a little longer this year and remember the good times with my loved ones who have passed on, especially my Daddy. I am going to focus on my little family, especially a soon-to-be 4 year old boy who has me wrapped around his little finger! Christmas is about love and love NEVER dies.

I sure am grateful for the fact that God has carried my little family through a very hard and sad year. Yes, we have loved, lost, laughed and cried. Yet, the bond of us who are still here in this crazy world is stronger than ever. I love my little family more than ever now and try to show it the best I can every day. You never know when today might be the last day you get to hold their hand. So, hold their hand a little longer, hug them harder and enjoy their presence while you still can.

Nov 19, 2022

More Thoughts on Grief

I wrote this for someone I love very deeply. I thought maybe it would help someone else too.

More Thoughts on Grief

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

11/19/22

💕🙏💕 How does one grieve properly? Is there a manual that gives detailed instructions? If so, I need it. I personally think grieving is a journey that each person does alone and it is a different for path for everyone. Sometimes on the path, God sends angels to help and comfort us. Eventually we get through it, but we never get over the loss of someone we loved deeply. I think we just learn to live with the hole in our heart and eventually we realize that the love we shared never dies. Then the hole is filled with that love. The hurt is still there but not as massive. And yes, we keep going. 💕🙏💕

Gratitude Day 19

Gratitude Day 19

Today I am grateful that I dance to my own tune and I am not swayed but others opinions. The other day I got my hair cut really short the way I like it. I started doubting myself because of someone's commen, but I went ahead and cut it anyway. I was out running errands today and 3 different times people stopped me to tell me they loved my hair! 😊

Nov 18, 2022

Gratitude Day 18

Gratitude Day 18

Ok...I have no clue how many days behind I am on my gratitude days for November. I have been working way too many hours and when I'm not working I'm creating something that feels as though I'm sitting at God's feet while I'm doing it with my Dad whispering suggestions in my ear. If you want to call me crazy I don't care. All I know is once in awhile I feel like I accidentally step into God's glory even when I'm not looking for it. That's is why creating something has always been so much a part of me. For that, I will be eternally grateful.

Also, today is my mom's birthday. She is a strong and beautiful woman who has taught me so much about love and faith. She has been through literal hell in the last 2 years. She has not always walked through it gracefully, yet she has kept going and trusting in God. I am so grateful she is my mother. I love her very much!! Happy Birthday Momma!! ❤️❤️❤️

Nov 13, 2022

Gratitude Day 13

Gratitude Day 13

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

I rarely get excited, but I am tonight! I took a break from my working on my dad's blanket of valor to work on my grandson's quilt. He will be 4 on December 12th. I was worried I would not get my Dad's done in time to get my little guy's done too. A couple of weeks ago I was thinking about it and I swear I heard my Dad say out loud, "Andi, you stop working on mine and get my great grandson's quilt done! I want him to have it for his birthday." I have been working on it since. I have been cutting squares like crazy. Still had not figured out how exactly to put it together, much less actually quilt a square. So, today I said a prayer and started searching more on YouTube. I stumbled on a video that totally made sense. It took me all afternoon to get my first square quilted but now I am on a roll. I cannot wait to see the final product! My stepmom Linda told me today that the quilt was talking to me and to listen to it. It would tell me what it needs. You know? I think she is right! Today, I am so grateful God has given me a creative and imaginative mind. This might not Iook like much but to me it means the world!

Gratitude Day 12

Gratitude Day 12

Today I am grateful for a beautiful young girl named Bella who I am blessed to have as one of my granddaughters. She sent me something she wrote tonight and it filled my eyes tears and my heart with joy! God always blindsides me with unexpected, holy moments and this was one. Once again, I am reminded of how truly blessed I am. I love you Bella!!!

Nov 11, 2022

Paying Respects to My Daddy on Veterans Day

Paying Respects to My Daddy on Veterans Day

November 11, 2022

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

Made it to Ft. Gibson just before they closed the gates! Laid flowers for my Daddy! I miss and love you so much!!! ❤️❤️❤️

Nov 10, 2022

Gratitude Day 11

Gratitude Day 11

I am writing Day 11 early because I know I'll fall asleep before I midnight. I am grateful for all the men and women who have sacrificed part of their lives to serve and protect us. There are a few still alive whom I very close to my heart...you know who you are. ❤️ Most of all, I am grateful for my father who served in the US Navy. I miss him so deeply! I always celebrated Veterans Day with him, usually by bringing a bucket of KFC to him. It was his favorite thing to eat. I love you Daddy! Happy Veterans Day!!

Gratitude Day 10

Gratitude Day 10

I am grateful for the ability to think and reason things out. I has given me the ability to learn fast and find ways to survive when the chips are down in life. I give the credit to the Lord though for continuing to carry me even when I am afraid. God is good!!

Gratitude Day 9

Gratitude Day 9

Cuteness overload!!! I'm so grateful for this little boy!!! He has my heart forever!!!

Nov 8, 2022

Gratitude Day 8

Gratitude Day 8

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

Gratitude Day 8

Today I am grateful for my momma Alice Tarrant! She has been through hell and back and still puts her faith in the Lord. She is strong and pushes through the hardest things with grace. God truly blessed me with my mom! 💙💙💙

Gratitude Day 7

Gratitude Day 7

I fell asleep last night in mid post and it never got posted! I need to quit writing when I'm half asleep!! 🤪

Anyway, Gratitude Day 7 was that I am very grateful for the job I have today. I work with an excellent team and my boss is awesome! I feel like I finally found a place that I fit in. It's been a long time coming and worth the wait. God is good!!

Nov 6, 2022

Gratitude Day 5 and 6

Gratitude Day 5 and 6

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

The last 2 days have been full of distractions. Some were ones I did not create and others ones I did. I had to go to Oklahoma City to see my mother-in-law yesterday and that was hard. She is in her late 80s and I never know when it will be the last time I see her. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. 

One of my granddaughters has been sick with the flu and other stuff and it has kicked her butt hard. She lives 4 hours away and it is heartbreaking to me that I cannot run and take care of her. That in itself has been a huge mental distraction. I have been praying like crazy for her.

Today, I decided to stop everything and do what my heart needed. I set my Father's blanket of valor aside for a bit to work on my grandson's birthday present. He will be 4 on December 12th, 2 days after my 60th birthday. Yes, I will be 60...that is a story for another day. Anyway, I am making my grandson a quilt of the solar system because he loves the universe and planets and knows way more about them than I ever will. That was my intentional distraction because it made me happy and I desperately need happiness right now. Besides, I could hear my Father's voice telling me to get that done first for his beautiful great-grandson. So, that is what I did. 

I had just finished the part of the quilt that I had set out to do when my daughter sent me a song to listen to. It is called Red Bird by Huntergirl. I had never it before and it made the damn of tears that I have been holding back break loose. I have not forgotten about Gratitude Day 5 at all. Actually, it has been heavy on my mind. I have tried to find the words to describe how I feel. I decided that what I have to write is worthy of 2 days, Gratitude Day 5 and 6. If you have stuck with me this far please indulge me for a little longer.

On November 5, 2021 my Father was hospitalized for an infection. Little did I know at that time, that 3 months later on February 11, 2022 I would hold his hand and gaze into his beautiful blue eyes until he took his last breath and his heart stopped beating.

He was the greatest man I have ever known; the one I Ioved to hate and hated to love. We had a rocky start in my childhood, but he became my everything as an adult. He was my best friend and my safe place to land when the world got too crazy. Most of all he was my hero. When he died it broke me in places I never knew existed within me. I do not know if those parts will ever heal. Maybe they are not supposed to. 

All I know is, I was blessed with a beautiful relationship with my Father that never should have been. If you knew where we started from, me 23 years old and newly sober and him in his 40s. When I was a teenager we were eachother's battering rams. I wrote him off and blamed everything on him. Some years later, he called one evening out of the blue. He told me he could not change the past, that till his dying day he would regret the things he did. Yet, if I would just give him a chance he would try every day until he took his last breath to convince me that he loved me. And that he did. I knew and still know that my Father loved me deeply and I loved him. I also know that the love we shared never dies and that is what I hold on to.

The last 3 months I had with my Father were hard. Yet, there were funny, beautiful, sacred, holy moments that are etched on my heart and mind forever. I would work all day and go see him in the evening wherever he was. I never missed a day. He could not walk and before he lost voice he would call me and bark out orders to buy something he needed or some phone call I needed to make. I tried to do anything I could to make him happy.

I remember one time I was determined to get him in the bathroom and on a shower chair so me and my stepmom could bathe him. It had been a week or so since he had been able to have a good shower. I just knew if we could do that it would make him feel better. We twisted and contorted him and his wheelchair around. In the end, his bathroom was too small and we all ended up in a huge laughing fit over it. Laughter in midst of deep sorrow...go figure.

At one point he had emergency surgery to clean out the infection and at the same time came down with COVID. His surgery was late in the evening. I managed to get the guard to let me in the surgery waiting area even though it was closed. There I was, sitting in the dark praying. I looked over and the receptionist's computer screen was still on. Something told me to go look at it. I found a number on the computer to the recovery room, called it and spoke to a nurse. She said she would tell the doctor I was out there. Just as I hung up, the elevator doors opened right in front of me and there was my Father being wheeled by me on a stretcher. I got to yell, "I'm here Daddy! I love you!" He waved back. The surgeon came and found me after he was done. They sent him back to rehab. I continued to go every day after work, sometimes in the snow and sit outside his window to talk to him on his cell phone. I did not want him to think we gave up on him.

He made it through COVID, but the infection had went into spine before they caught it and he could not use his hands very good. So, I would go feed him dinner every night. I remember, he loved Oreo cookies and asked me to bring him some. I never knew that would be the last thing we would eat together. Every night after we ate, he would tell me he just wanted to watch TV and hold my hand. So that is what we did. When he started losing his voice we still held hands. I prayed with him before I left every night. 

One of the last things I remember him saying to me was in answer to my question of him, "Dad? Do you have your ticket to Heaven?" He answered, "Hell yes I do, many times over!! I love the Lord and He's my Savior!!" That gave me great comfort because I knew we would be together again someday. 

There were so many things my Father said with his eyes that never needed words. I never realized how beautiful his eyes were until that was the only way he had to communicate. The last few weeks he would not eat. All we did was hold hands and watch TV. I would give anything to sit and hold hands with my Daddy and watch TV again.

I heard Wynona Judd the other day speaking about losing her mom. She said something like she felt sorrow and joy at the same time. That is how I feel all the time. The depths of sorrow that I feel being here without my Father is like nothing I have ever felt. Yet, I know he is in Heaven in the presence of God. He free of his old, frail body and no longer in pain. That fills my heart with incredible joy.

Having said all that, for Gratitude Day 5 and 6, I am extremely grateful for the man God chose to give as my Father. I am also grateful and humbled that God chose me to spend the last 3 months of my Father's life with him so I could help lead him home. 

I love you my sweet Daddy! This is not goodbye, it is see you later. ❤️❤️❤️

Nov 4, 2022

My Home

Gratitude Day 4

11/4/22

My Home

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

One year ago today was one of the happiest days in my life. I feel the need to give you the back story so you understand why.

In December 2020, in the middle of the pandemic, I had brain surgery. The whole process was scary but God got me through it. A few months later my mother went through major surgery and my stepdad died of COVID while she was in the hospital. Our family was in crisis to say the least. I helped move my mom back from Florida on Labor Day 2021 and she was living with us.

I had lost my home many years ago and became a renter or as I call it a nomad. I had to move anytime the lease was not renewed. So, I felt like I had no anchor. Last year I was living in another rent house and assumed my landlord would renew our lease for another year. He refused and said he preferred month to month. I had always paid my rent on time and often early so I was not happy about it. In the next few months, every month my landlord increased my rent. I am not stupid, I knew he was forcing me out so he could double or triple the rent for another tenant.

I looked and looked and could not find another place to rent. I was scared to death because I figured I did not have good enough credit to buy my own home. I said a prayer. Something in my heart, I know it was God, told me to contact a specific mortgage company and tell them I wanted to get completely approved for a home loan before I started looking and putting in an offer. It took alot of major legwork and documentation on my part but to my amazement I got approved to purchase my own home!!

I called my dear friend and realtor Melissa and we began to search. The real estate market was insane last year. I made numerous offers on homes that were either rejected or beat out by a better offer. One day, I was surfing the internet and stumbled on this one house. It looked nice in the pictures but I did not schedule to look at it. I kept looking at other ones but that one kept coming to my mind. So, finally Melissa, my mom and I went and looked at it.

Now, I will tell you, never in a million years would I have picked the neighborhood I live in now. I am not sure why, I just would not have picked it. Yet, the moment I walked in the house it felt like I was being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold winter day after playing for hours in the snow. We made an offer and to my amazement it was accepted.

November 4, 2021 was closing day. I remember going over to this empty house alone after I got the keys. I walked through the house and cried tears of gratitude. I went and sat on the front steps and looked at the school across the street. It hit me like a lighting bolt, the happiest time in my childhood was when we lived a few blocks up the street and I attended this very school. I saw my "little Andi" as I call her, walking home from school right by my home today.

I was and still am blown away by the tender love, mercy and grace that God continues to show me. Especially when I know I do not deserve it. See, God knew the deepest desire of my heart...that I have a home. I had lost the home my children and oldest grandchildren grew up in years ago. I felt like I had no anchor, no safe place to land in this chaotic world. Today, I have a home.

When God blesses us He does not skimp on anything! I am an artist. When I first looked at what is now home to me, one bedroom was being used as an artroom. I had not even considered having that. Yet, today I spend much of my free time creating things in that same room. Currently I am into quilting.

Little did I know last year on this day that my Father would be gone. He never got to see my home in person, but told me how proud he was of me. That is worth more than anything. God always makes a way if I will just shut up and listen. I am sure grateful I listened to him last year!

Today, I sit on a swing that my Father gave me several years ago, that just happened to fit perfectly on my front porch. Coincidence? I think not. I spend quite a bit of time on this swing remembering happy parts of my childhood. It often feels like my Father is sitting on the swing next to me too.

Today, tears of gratitude fill my eyes because I finally found my home.