Undistancing Old Friends

Undistancing Old Friends

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

8/19/23

Warning! This is writing is pretty long, if you do not like it, scroll on and unfriend or stop following me. Otherwise forge ahead and try to hear my heart.

I was asked the following question from a "new" friend in LOYT. We are self appointed (more like divinely appointed) accountability partners too. My answer/discussion is below.

QUESTION: 

What do you think would happen if you tried to  lessen the distance between you and those friends that you have put some miles between?

ANSWER: 

This is a tough question for me to answer. I have been mulling this over for some time. Before I get started I feel I must explain that friendship to me is not some shallow, placating relationship. If I call you my friend, you are in my innermost circle, where I rarely allow anyone to be. This space is reserved only for the few I truly trust with my heart. I know what is said between those in my innermost circle and myself will never go any further. So, friendship is very sacred to me.

I realize you and I have not met face-to-face and we have not known eachother long. However, what the Spirit knows, the Spirit knows. I cannot explain it other than to say that I know God brought us together for a reason and hopefully it is for way more than one season. We are like kindred Spirits who have always known eachother, maybe in another lifetime, who knows? So here goes with my answer.

I have always been a loner. I do not know why. As a kid I was not interested in social gatherings. I thought girls were drama queens and I did not waste my time with them. I was an artist and I preferred to do art instead of play back-biting schoolgirl games. Looking back, I do remember this one girl named Becky. She tried to be my friend for longest time. She called me often just to talk and invited me to various functions but I never went. At the same time I was being subjected to abuse from family members. I did not tell anyone because I figured it would not do any good. So, I suspect part of my keeping her at bay was because I was in survival mode and shut down inside. I have always regretted not investing in a friendship with her back then. It is worth noting that I started drinking alcohol and smoking at the age of 10, yet another reason for distance.

Fast forward to adulthood. By the time I was 21 years old I was married with 2 kids under the age of 3. My marriage was a mess. We were both alcoholic/addicts. My husband was physically and emotionally abusive to me so there was no room in my life for true friendships. I finally got divorced, went to treatment, got sober and started my sobriety journey in 1986. I had female sponsors in AA who led through the 12 steps but still no real friends. 

I met a woman when I had about 5 years sober who became a very close friend for 20+ years. We told eachother everything and walked through life together. I had a couple of other female friends too in that timespan. Over those 2 decades I was married and divorced 3 times. I'm on my 4th and last marriage now. 

All of these so-called friends tended to be judgemental of my walk in life. They would get mad at me for not leaving my jacked up marriages fast enough. They would periodically just stop talking to me because I "lived in the problem" too long according to their standards. I never shut them out of my life no matter whether I agreed with their choices or not. I still to this day do not understand how one can say they are your friend, yet judge you at the same time.

So, in 2020 when things started unraveling around me and I found out brain surgery was coming in my near future, all of my so-called friends scattered like roaches, nowhere to be found except for my one friend who I will call Jane in order to protect her anonymity. I figured the others were never really my friends, they were just takers and negative nannies in my life, so I moved on.

Jane and I remained friends. We were both recovering alcoholics. We talked every day, met for coffee, and often prayed together about situations that we were troubled by. Then one day Jane relapsed and started drinking again. I still maintained a relationship with her and we still talked every day. I kept hoping she'd get sober again. 

Long story short, at the beginning of the pandemic alcohol took its toll on her. She was losing her mind and at death's doorstep. Finally, one day her husband and I got her to go by ambulance to ER and they admitted her. No one could see her due to COVID protocols and the shutdown. She ended up in long-term treatment because she pickled her brain with alcohol.

I went from talking to Jane everyday for years to not knowing if she was alive or dead for months. It broke my heart. Then one day, out of the blue she called me. She remembered me and things like who I was married to and my kids but she thought we were college roommates too. She wanted to know why I wasn't home for dinner yet. This was devastating to me. Here is this woman who I had known and loved for years and she barley remembered me.

When someone close to you dies its devastating. However, when someone you love deeply loses their mind through alcoholism, alzheimers, dementia or something like that; in some ways its worse than death. Eventually I had to stop answering the phone to save my own sanity because to hear her voice stirred everything up in me all over, again and again. How do you grieve that kind of loss? 

After brain surgery even Jane was gone. Then my parents got sick, my dad and stepdad died, I moved my mom back from Florida and she stayed with me till she got back on her feet. I was being pulled in a thousand different directions all while continuing to work full time. Was I stressed? Who wouldn't be?!

I tried to reconnect with my old friends but they treated me like I was not there. They didn't want to listen to what was "really going on" in my life. They were too busy or whatever excuse they had. I don't expect any friend to fix me, nor do I expect them to do all the heavy lifting in our relationship. Yet, when I am the one always making the effort and the other one doesn't; at some point it becomes obvious that it's all a one-sided relationship.

So, metaphorically speaking, I figured the road runs both ways and I was the only one driving on it. I stopped making contact. After a few months of silence went by I reached out to each one and asked why the distance. Every one of them said it was because my life was too complicated for them. I never replied back. I just moved on.

I never based friendship with someone on how uncomplicated or perfect their life was. I just loved them where they were at and tried to shoulder their burdens with them. I'm not perfect. I'm not angry with my old friends. If anything I'm deeply hurt at being thrown away so easily! I am also angry at myself for not realizing they were not really friends in the first place. They were only takers and I was an easy mark.

So, in my mind, what would happen if I lessened the distance between me and my old friends is that I would be sucked dry by them too. Honestly, there isn't much left of me to give to takers if that makes sense. Between grieving the losses I have had, especially my dad, and other problems in my life I do not have much left inside of me to give to a one-sided friendship that contributes nothing positive to my life. Note: I even feel guilty for saying that, but it's true.

Anyways, I have spent alot of time alone in my innermost circle. I've been working on me. Maybe I will never lessen the distance with these old friends, just bury those relationships in the past and build healthier ones in the future.

I feel like I should apologize for this diatribe I have written but I'm not going to. This is me. I'm too wordy and awkward at best most days in any relationship. Yet, I believe God has divinely appointed us to travel this journey together for now. So here I am girl! WYSIWYG! I am messed up inside. I'm not perfect, nor do I expect you to be. You are one of the very few whom I call friend in my "new" normal and my "new" life that God is rebuilding for me.

So, welcome to my innermost circle! I pray God richly blesses you each and every day.

In the Grip of His Amazing Grace,

Andrea 💜

Grief Is a Fickle Mistress

Grief Is a Fickle Mistress

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

8/18/23

Grief is a
Fickle mistress
One minute
I think I am free
The next
She blind sides me
Grabs my throat
Its hard to breath
Slams my heart
To the ground
I fall apart
A tunsmi of tears
Overtake me
And I cannot see

Memories flood
My mind of
All the time
All the years
We spent together
Just trying
To swim
When one
Would tire
The other
Was there
Like a life vest
To keep our heads
Above the water
So we could
Find rest
And live to fight
Another day

I know you are here
Right by my side
I see you
In the twinkle of
Our grandkids eyes
In the smiles of
My children
In the laughter of
My friends

Yet my heart
Still aches
With throbbing pain
So deep
And the tears
Oh the tears
They never cease
Will I ever
Find relief

I know I must not
Disconnect
I need to stay
Present
And feel
So I can heal
And find peace

Yet the tears
Keep rolling
Because I lost
My very beginning
My best friend
Oh please tell me
When will this
Nightmare end

I have no clue
How to thrive
Or move forward
All I know
Is how to
Survive
Please Lord tell me
What to do

I am working hard
To come back
To myself
To find peace
In the midst of this hell
I have got to
Find relief
I am grasping at
Keys
Trying every door
In hopes
That one will open
And soothe
My aching soul

So I will
Keep trudging
The path
Set before me
Try to remember
The wisdom
You gave me
God and family first
Love above all else

Your body is gone
And oh how miss you
Yet I know
Your spirit
Your essence
And love
Will always
Be with me
Till we meet again

I love you Daddy 💜😢💖🐸

Is There a Reason

Is There a Reason

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

8/13/23

Is there a reason

You sit

On the porch

All day

Laugh and tell jokes

When you call all

Your friends

Do you think

I don't notice

When you finally

Come in

You have

Nothing to say

Wish I'd just

Go away

Is there a reason

You stop everything 

Just for your boss 

Kiss her ass and

Do anything

Whenever asked

Yet ignore me

Like you wish

I'd get lost

Is there a reason

You light up

Like Christmas 

Give big hugs

And pat backs

When you see

A mere friend

Yet you

Won't touch me

Or give me

Even a kiss 

Is there a reason

You think

It's okay

To ignore me

When I've told you

The cold

Breaks my heart

Please come

Warm me

Is there a reason

You don't

Love me 

I'm not stupid

It shows

I just want know

Before I give up

Disappear

Forever

And just go

Keep Shining My Little Light

Keep Shining My Little Light

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

8/12/23

I was not going to share this but, after reading this maybe you will understand why I did. Yes, my writing about it is a little long. However, I refuse to apologize for it. Writing is part of who I am. Please understand what you are about to read is NOT about religion or "all" churches. It is about my recent experience of being deeply hurt by one. 

I had a situation a few months ago that broke me in two about my writing. I have not told anyone about it until now. It was too embarrassing. At the time, I was doing all I could to stay connected and active in a local church because of the tremendous grief and depression I felt due to all the loss I had been through. Church leadership knew first hand about all the hell I had been through and my dad dying. They actually had recently officiated my stepdad's funeral. So, in my mind there was no excuse for what happened.

The church started an online Bible study and the associate pastor asked me to be a part of it. He wanted me to help get people involved. I reluctantly agreed. The topic of discussion one day reminded me of a story I wrote years ago about milemarkers. I really felt like God wanted me to share it because someone needed to read it. So, I posted it. It was not anything rude or inappropriate for a "church" audience so I figured it was okay. A few people actually liked it. 

A couple of days later I got a text from the associate pastor telling me that I was scaring people off and to not post long stories ever again, only links. When he texted me, I happened to be in my artroom bawling my eyes out over my dad. His text made the way I felt a thousand times worse. I did not reply to him and still have not done so. I have nothing good to say to him so why say anything at all?

I gave myself a day to cool off. Then, I deleted all posts I had made, deleted my account and uninstalled the church app. I called the church secretary and told her to take me off membership, that I would no longer attend there. A few days later, the pastor called all apologetic and begged me to come back. I politely refused and I have not and will not go back.

I have been so deeply hurt by this that I am afraid to post my writings. I never was afraid before. Now, I go through this mental masturbation before I can finally give myself permission to post anything for fear of being ridiculed and shutdown again.

Sadly, once again, I am reminded that most (not all) churches would not recognize Jesus if He sat down next to them during the service. They would be too busy kicking Him out because He did not fit their mold of what He "should" look like. Instead of loving people where they are at and trying to help them heal, they are too busy killing their wounded because the reality they are living is not pretty. They sure tried to kill my spirit. THEY DID NOT SUCCEED!!

It makes me angry that people who preach so eloquently on God's amazing love and tender mercy on Sundays will kick someone when they are down like they did me. How dare them tell me to hide the light God gave me!! 

That is why part of the reason one of my commitments in the next 90 days is to share my voice and gifts God gave me. I do not care how scared I am to post my writings. I will do it because it is healing for me and it is part of who am. It is part of the purpose God gave me for my life. To not do it is like fire being locked in my soul. So, I hope everyone can give a little grace and let me keep shining my little light. 

In His Grip,

Andrea 💜

90 Days and My Life Purpose

90 Days and My Life Purpose

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

8/10/23

I joined a group on Facebook called Gratitude Slam a couple of months ago. One thing lead to another and I ended up attending a virtual retreat lead by MIC and E-Rad, two very awesome life coaches. Now I am part of a 90 day cohort in their program call Life On Your Terms (LOYT).

Part of the work I did at the retreat was to determine my life purpose and 2 results I would like to see in the next 90 days. These things also dovetail into the LOYT program. So, this is my proclamation of the results or goals I want achieve in the next 90 days and the actions I am committing to myself and my trusted LOYT cohort to take.

The 2 results I would like to see in the next 90 days are:

1. I want to feel more optimistic about my future.

2. I want to get my focus aka my internal compass back so I can make better decisions and choices for my future.

OPTIMISM

This is important to me because I know I will slip into a deep depression if I keep going like I have been in the past couple of years. I am a recovering alcoholic and depression leads to drinking and drinking leads to death. I am not willing to rest on my laurels any longer.

The actions I commit to take in the next 90 days to work toward more optimism are:

1. Attend and DO THE WORK in LOYT.

2. Connect with others in the Gratitude Slam group.

3. Focus on MYSELF and MY needs FIRST.

4. Say “NO” more when I am tired or drained.

5. Continue to do things that honor my Dad like finishing his blanket of valor, writing stories about him and decorating his grave with flowers as often as possible.

6. Make a concentrated effort to focus on positive things coming in the future (my twin great-grandbabies).

GET FOCUS/INTERNAL COMPASS BACK

This is important to me because I feel like life has slammed me to the ground over and over again. I had brain surgery in 2020; my mom nearly died in summer of 2021 and my stepdad did die from COVID at the same time; I moved my mom back from Florida to Oklahoma by myself in September 2021; my dad got sick in October 2021 and died on February 11, 2022. I held his hand until he died. I have felt completely lost since my Dad died. I cannot imagine my future, much less what I want and need for my day to day life. I feel like my internal compass is obliterated. I MUST get it back. I cannot go on the way I am.

The actions I commit to take in the next 90 days to work toward getting my focus/internal compass back are:

1. Attend and DO THE WORK in LOYT.

2. Set small, achievable goals for myself. Remember, progress not perfection!

3. Create a vision board for my own personal future desires and goals and start taking action toward them.

4. Reach out more to others. Stop isolating!

5. Focus on my life purpose.

6. Focus on my values and what I honor in life.

MY LIFE PURPOSE

My life scripture is from the Bible in Isaiah 58:6-12:

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: To loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— When you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.”

Part of my life purpose comes from this scripture. It is “repairer of people with broken walls.”

MY LIFE PURPOSE IS

To carry the message of hope, gratitude and love to my family , friends and others I meet along my journey through life each day. By doing this I will help the lost and hurting rebuild their broken lives.

KEYS & PRINCIPLES

In order to live out my purpose I will continue to face the obstacles and grief I am now in. I want to find freedom from the depression that has plagued me for so long. I want to show my children, grandchildren and soon coning great-grandbabies by example that no matter how difficult life gets there is always something positive to focus on.

The keys and principles I received from the retreat will help me to achieve the results I want in 90 days. They will also help me continue to heal, grow and live my life purpose. These are my keys and principles.

1. Middle C

As long as I choose to attempt to shut out the low notes, the opposite high notes are canceled out too. Eventually all I have left is middle C. Then, the music inside me becomes dull and lifeless and I cannot hear the beautiful orchestra of life.

I will feel/acknowledge all feelings (high/low good/bad positive/negative). For to deny a negative one cancels out a positive one. Eventually if I deny feelings long enough, the Orchestra of life will stop playing around me and my world will turn dull.

I WILL NOT LET THE MUSIC DIE INSIDE ME!!

2. Color

I will endeavor to bring the color back into my world.

Living in the numbing gray of disassociation helps no one and will kill my dreams.

When I take on the feelings of others and allow them to suck the life out of me, my point of view and life turns to a dull and saddening gray.

If I want the colors of the rainbow back in my life I must learn to focus on ME first and care for myself first. I must acknowledge and accept my feelings high and low, without judgment.

When I do not do this everything fades to gray, the music inside me dies, I become a dry well and I lose all the beautiful colors I love so much.

I cannot give what I do have inside myself. So, I must do the work on myself in order to be present in my life, then I can help others and get my rainbow back.

3. Orchestra

If I want to hear the full orchestra again in my life I must take action every day to heal myself. Part of that action was to join LOYT. I DESERVE TO LIVE LIFE ON MY TERMS!!!

4. Isolation/Connection

One of the biggest keys I experienced during the retreat was isolation/connection.

When I was not able to fully participate because of issues with Zoom it forced me to feel the deepness of the isolation I have allowed in my life. It made me realize that I have been on the autopilot of survival mode and have shut everyone out for a long time. This is due mainly from being so completely devastated from the death of my father and other issues in my life.

This experience also made me understand how deeply the isolation feels from those who supposedly love me the most.

It also taught me how vitally important it is to seek out and maintain healthy connection with others. The action I have taken so far to do this is being an active participant in Gratitude Slam, NTD, Positive Mindset Retreat and joining LOYT.

I will stop isolating from everyone. I will make myself more open to others I meet on life’s path.

5. Compass

I will take actions to tune in to my internal compass so I can find my way back to me. Being lost just leaves me spinning around in the mud puddle and helps no one.

Some of the actions I will take are attending LOYT and doing the work and remaining active in Gratitude Slam.

By taking these actions I will be able to shut up Congress in my head. This will enable me to focus on my internal compass again.

6. Values

Humility: I will be humble and ask for help when I need it. By doing this I will show others it is okay to not be strong all the time.

I will conduct myself with honesty, integrity and compassion in order to be open to those in need.

Courage: I will not be afraid to shine my light for others.

Love: I will love myself FIRST. By putting my needs and desires first, I will be full inside so I can give love to others.

7. Voices

God has blessed me with many creative gifts or voices: writing, painting, sewing to name a few. He gave these gifts to me to be able to reach a person’s heart and show them the love He has for them.

I will use my creative voices to share the message of love with others and help them rebuild their broken walls.

A Message of Love from Heaven

A Message of Love from Heaven

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

8/1/23

This week has been hell. I rushed from Tulsa to Kansas City to be there for my granddaughter, who is having twins and due in February. She has HG aka massively bad, never-ending morning sickness, and was in the hospital. 

The drive from Tulsa to Kansas City is 4 hours. The other night, I threw everything together and rushed out the door. I was exhausted and had planned to rest all evening. But, when one of my family is in trouble, everything goes to the wayside, and I am there for them. About half way there, I saw storm clouds ahead. I called my son, and he said it looked like the storm was heading right toward me. I had just survived a tornado recently, so it threw me into a panic.

The wind and rain started. I began to pray that God would put Holy Ghost bubble wrap around me and my car and protect me. Silly, I know, but when I am scared, I just pray and do not worry about how I sound. I remembered that everyone in this Facebook group called Gratitude Slam and other online friends were praying for my granddaughter, her babies, and my safe travels. 

All of a sudden, it was as if the storms were all around me, but they did not touch me. It was the eeriest, almost Holy kind of calm I have ever experienced this side of Heaven, as if I was in the eye of the storm. I slowed my breathing and switched my focus like Michael, the leader of Gratitude Slam, has taught us. The whole way to Kansas City, the storm never touched me, not even a rain drop.

My granddaughter had gone to one ER, and they sent her to another. Then she got admitted to that hospital. They conveniently forgot to tell us that her OB doctor did not have the privileges to practice there. The admitting doctor refused to transfer her. They never ordered an ultrasound or did anything to check on the babies. They wasted 2 days with us and discharged her even though she was still sick! We ended up at the correct hospital tonight, and they admitted her a few hours ago. 

Now I will get to the point of all this. The ER doctor at this new hospital immediately ordered an ultrasound. I figured they would do it tomorrow. Next thing you know, the ultrasound tech is in the room. I unexpectedly got to see my 2 great-grandbabies!! I stood there with their grandma, my daughter, on a video call watching from New Jersey. Tears of joy rolled down my face. All of a sudden, the storms I had gone through did not matter. The stressful work week fell to the side. The only thing that mattered was these few Holy moments seeing my great-grandbabies on screen, safe and secure in their mother's womb.

My granddaughter's boyfriend and father to these little ones was with us and took pictures of the ultrasound. One of them was the one with this post. It looks to me like they are surrounded by a heart! I know this was my Daddy, who was a twin himself, sending us a sign from Heaven that he, God and all of Heaven are right there surrounding Destiny and these tiny ones with their never ending love and protection.

While sitting there with my granddaughter waiting to get moved to her room, I remembered all the storms I have gone through in life. Many of them never touched me. Sometimes, the very thing we are called to do is the scariest, and it looks like storms are heading right toward us. If we let the fear of the storms around us paralyze us, we will miss the most beautiful, unexpected, Holy moments that God has in store for us just a little ways up the road.

Tonight, I am so grateful for God's love. I am grateful for friends that I have never meant who love me enough to pray for me, Destiny, and the little ones she is carrying. Most of all, I am grateful for the message from my Daddy that reminds me that my beautiful granddaughter and twin great-grandbabies are surrounded by love. ❤️❤️❤️