My Thoughts on Death, My Dad, God, and Kaylee
11/17/23
By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard
I found out that someone on the other side of my granddaughter Kaylee's family died today. I messaged with her about it. That got me to thinking about death and grief, and we who are left on this side to deal with it. I started writing my thoughts below. I have not written in a while. I have felt as though my pen has run dry, and there is no ink left to refill it. I have been afraid the words have died inside me. For me, the words inside me are my music to share with the world. I will not let my music die inside me!! So, my beautiful Kaylee, this is for you. I hope it makes sense to you. I love you more!
This may sound crazy to you, but I think those who have gone "home" before us are the lucky ones. They are in Heaven, where there is no pain or sorrow. They are right there with Jesus. How incredibly awesome is that?! The part that brings deep grief for me, though, is that we are not together physically. That part is hard.
I miss my Daddy so much! Yet, I know he is around us all in spirit, even you, his beautiful "Kacey." My Daddy always gave those he loved deeply a nickname, and that was yours. Kaylee, you need to know that he always bragged about you, and he loved you deeply. One time, he told me that you were a beautiful, unexpected gift and angel that God had brought to him and our family. I completely agree. We all love you deeply!
Death is hard. Grieving the loss of those we loved so deeply sometimes feels never-ending and hopeless. Yet, we have the hope that when our time it done in this crazy world, we will be together again. Do not take me wrong, I am not suicidal. I just know how beautiful the day will be when we all meet together in Heaven. Zoey and Mikey are there too, and I know they are gorgeous. Our ancestors, whom we have never met, are there too. It is something I can only see with my heart, not my worldly eyes.
I am sorry that I am blabbing on and on. I just know how absolutely gorgeous Heaven is. So, as much as I deeply miss and long for those who have gone on before me, I know they are whole and healthy again, and we will be together again someday. That thought brings my aching soul some comfort.
I believe our loved ones in Heaven bring us signs to let us know they are still with us in spirit, are around us, and are always watching over us to protect us. Let me give you an example. My Dad always comes to me as a crow. There was this one crow that I swear followed me everywhere for a long time. Every time I would go to a store, as soon as I opened the car door, that crow was right there. It would start dancing like crazy, jumping up and down, and twisting and turning in circles. The crow's dance reminded me of the fancy dancers that I would watch as a child when we went to the annual powwow. They were all decked out in these beautiful feathers. I knew this crow was my Dad. He would make me laugh so hard! I still see it once in a while, but not as often. I had been missing the signs my Dad would send me, and I asked him to bring me some again, that I missed him and wished I could talk to him about all my worries. I went on about my day and forgot about my request.
The other day, I was driving back from Oklahoma City with Andre. We were in downtown traffic, sitting at a red light that was taking forever to change to green. I was lost in my thoughts about things coming up in the future that I am concerned about, and I was making a feable attempt at saying a silent prayer to calm my mind.
All of a sudden, I looked around and realized that I was completely surrounded by crows. I do not mean just a couple of crows, I mean a whole huge flock of crows. They were on the traffic lights, power lines, on the ground, on the bridge in front of me, and on every corner. It was insane the amount of crows that surrounded me! Then, I remembered that I had asked my Dad a few days before for a sign that he was with me and everything would be okay. I busted out laughing hard!! Andre looked at me in total confusion and asked what I was laughing about. I explained everything to him and kept laughing and laughing. Of course, he thought I was crazy. It is just like my Dad to go completely over the top to make me understand that he is still around me even when I do not feel or see it.
When I got home that evening, I thought about the crows and the deep love my Dad and I still share. Then I realized that God's love for us is so much deeper. So massively deep that I am at a loss for words to describe it.
God, just like my Dad, is always there, ever present. Even when everything looks the darkest, when it looks like my whole life is falling down around me, and when I am so frozen in fear that I cannot move, He is always there. He is always working out things for my good. He loves me, not because I am perfect. Lord knows I am far from perfect. I can go from saying a prayer in traffic to flipping someone off all in the same breath. I am a bull in a China closet stumbling through life most days. Yet, God loves me. He loves me because He created me. The grace and mercy that flows from Him to me is never-ending. It washes over all my imperfections. When I am still and I allow God's love to penetrate my wounded heart, I am left in awe of Him. I am so unreservedly blessed and grateful for this.
So, my dear sweet, beautiful Kaylee, I wrote all that to say this, God loves you even more! He looks at you and says, "Look at my beautiful creation! Look how gorgeous her spirit is!! Look at her smile, her tenderness. I am so proud of the woman she is becoming!" My Dad and your Great Grandma Barbara are your loudest cheerleaders in Heaven. Of course, I am here on this side with you, and I am one of your loudest cheerleaders, too. You have had my heart since the day I met you. I do not know if you remember what I told you on your first "Gotcha Day," so let me remind you, "Now I am your grandma forever, and no one can take that away." I will always be here for you, and I will always love you more, Kaylee!! 💜💜💜
