Dec 21, 2012

Letter to Sedrick 12/21/2012

by Andrea Tadpole

Sedrick,

I was lying in bed last night thinking about the last year and what all our little family (you, me, Alicia and the girls) have been through. I wanted to tell you this:

I know that your life is not perfect. I know that there is so much more that you long for. We all do. However, STOP for one moment and look at where you were at last year and where you are now. I remember. You were encamped with the enemy, all for the undying love for your little girl. I watched you have your heart ripped out by ones who supposedly loved you. I watched you lose everything.

Yet, I have watched persevere through it all. I have watched you learn to rebuild from the holocaust of divorce. I have watched you continue to be an awesome father to your little girl. I have watched you walk through the heart attack you had and face your own immortality with dignity.

You may think there is no hope. You may think you are a failure. You may think you will never find "the one" and be alone forever. Those are all lies.

See, Sedrick, in many ways you are my hero and my beacon of hope. I am so proud of you. God truly blessed me when He let me be your mom. So, stop for a minute, thank God that He has brought you through and give yourself a little pat on the back because you deserve it.

I love you forever!

~Mom~

Dec 20, 2012

Grandpa Shelby

by Andrea Tadpole

I am thinking about my grandpa Shelby Morrison today. He died many years ago. His birthday is today. I don't remember how old he would have been but it does not matter. He will always be alive in my heart.

On the outside he was big and clumsy. People often assumed he was an oaf and stupid. Boy were the wrong! Turn on some good music and he could dance like Fred Astair. My favorite memory of him is dancing in the livingroom with me and him twirling me around.

He was a quiet man and he worked hard at the railroad as a switchman most of his life. On the side he had a concession business. He sold snow cones, cotton candy and other stuff. He also sold balloons at all the area Christmas parades. He was a shrewd business man and wise beyond his years.

He was a good man and loved the Lord. He always gave food to the hungry, shelter to the homeless and clothes to the naked. He never judged anyone. He just loved people. My grandma always said he took in stray people instead of stray dogs. I only hope to be as good as him.

Every one in the neighborhood knew him as the snowcone man. To me, he was my grandpa and I loved him dearly.

I miss you grandpa! Keep watch over my grandbabies and other loved ones till I get there! I'm still dancing!!

Love you!!!  ~Andi~

Dec 14, 2012

Butterflies

by Andrea Tadpole

Everywhere I turn
I see butterflies
As if you are saying
Hi
I'm still here

An ever present
Reminder of
The brevity of life
The beauty
And wonder
Encapsulated in
The flutter of
Angel's wings

In 11 minutes
You captured me
Emersed me
In your love
Etched your spirit
On my heart
Forever

The years may pass
But you will never be
Forgotten

Every time
I see a butterfly
Your brought
Back to life
For me
Again and again
I remember
How you fought
To stay with us
And how your
Spirit filled the room
With light
Brighter than
The sun

Merry Christmas
My sweet little butterfly
I love you
Forever

Dec 13, 2012

Fall

I heard this song last night the touched me like no other has in a long time, the lyrics are beautiful…

Fall

by Clay Walker

Oh, look, there you go again
Puttin' on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin' this and doin' that
Always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby, fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that's wrong and all that's right Lay your head on my shoulder, and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, baby, its okay

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

Hold on, hold on,
Hold on to me

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

Here is the link to Tate Stevens singing it on XFactor:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KzIO8CUUhM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Dec 11, 2012

Happy Mother's Day Momma

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is my all time favorite that he wrote just for me many years ago!!

Watch "Happy Mother's Day Momma by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Kaylee's Song

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "Kaylee's Song by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Cistern

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "Cistern by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Listen to Our Hearts

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "Listen to Our Heart by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

My Heart Yearns

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "My Heart Yearns by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Weakness

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:
Watch "Weakness by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Dec 10, 2012

Elaine

by Andrea Tadpole

Today is my 50th birthday and I found myself rushing across town on my lunch break to pick up a package from my best friend, Elaine. It occurred to me on the crazy drive over that I did it because it's all about the connection I have with her. She lives hundreds of miles away in Pennsylvania, yet she has been my friend for over 20 years. After she moved from Tulsa several years ago, we remained friends and she has been my lifeline over the phone.

She is 20 years older than me biologically and I am 5 years older than her in sobriety. See, I took her to her first meeting and I really had no idea whether she would stay sober or not. Honestly, I thought all was lost and she was beyond all hope. I just knew she could not be saved. Yet, I was given the glorious gift of getting to watch her rebirth. Over the last 20 years I have watched God fashion her into a mighty, beautiful woman. She has grown in stature and strength. To be given the gift of watching her grow in sobriety is a rare treasure. The wisdom, love and brutal honesty she has given me along the way are worth more to me than all the riches in the world.

Over the years we have laughed and cried, we have cussed and screamed when life has kicked us in the teeth, yet we have kept trudging together. There was, at one point, a period of months when we did not talk at all. Looking back I can see that my life got too dramatic for anyone to handle and I understand why she stepped back now. But we eventually reconnected and our friendship survived. We are brutally honest with each other. I think that is what has held us together.

The longest term relationship I have ever had is with her. It is one I will treasure for the rest of my life. Elaine I love you, thank you for the gift. I hope we see each other again soon!

Fifty

by Andrea Tadpole

Wow!! I'm sitting here on my 50th birthday at 12:07am. I am both grateful and stunned that I've lived this long. I keep counting the years and thinking I must have added wrong. Yet I didn't. Here I am. I'm 50. I've lived half a century. It blows my mind!

I have spent my life hurrying to get to one age or another. I could not wait to get to 16 so I could drive. I wanted freedom so bad and 16 symbolized that for me. Then there was 18. I wanted to be an adult so I could call my own shots and not answer to anyone. Of course I wanted to be 21 so I could get in a bar or liquor store without having to lie.

Then I got sober at 23. It was as if time stood still in a way. I stopped counting days to the next age and just lived for today. I focused on my recovery from alcoholism. I worked the steps and tried to set my life right. I did not do everything perfect but through God's grace I celebrated 26 years of sobriety this past July.

I got busy focusing on raising my family. Looking back I don't think I did a very good job of it, but I put my whole heart into it. God blessed me with the most wonderful son and daughter a mother could ever have. There are not enough words in the English language to describe the depth of love and pride I have a for them. It seems like just when I got the hang of being a mom they grew up and moved away. A day does not go by that I don't long for the the sound of my son's music in the background and my daughter chattering away to me about something. Those are lost moments that I blurred through with the busyness of life and now I treasure with everything.

I spent my 40s getting my college education that everyone said I wasn't smart enough to do. I followed my heart, my passion and I got a degree in art. I graduated Summa Cum Laude. I also earned a 4.0 GPA while I got an MBA. I even surprised myself! I don't have much to show for all my education but I KNOW I DID IT! I loved every minute of college. I realized I love to learn. I believe that learning keeps my mind sharp and it keeps me young.

In the middle of all that came my grandchildren. Oh what an awesome, awesome gift and surprise my granddaughters are. I have 4 of them. Each of them are exquisite and beautiful jewels. They make my heart sing and keep me young. They bring me the greatest joy because I don't have to be anybody special with them. I just have to be me and love them. They have no idea the depth of love I have for them. I only hope that I am able to impart a tenth of the wisdom that my grandparents gave to me. How else will they survive in a world that I will never see?

When I was younger I had a plan for my life and I had an idea of where I should be at each stage in my head. Problem is I never planned past the age of 25... I really thought I'd never live past that. Yet here I am! OMFG! I AM 50!

I have a million thoughts running through my head. I have the shouldas. You know the ones that say you shoulda done this or you shoulda done that? Then there's the couldas. You know how those go...why was I so stupid? I coulda done this or I coulda done that? Last but not least the oughtas. I oughta be this or I oughta do that. I could write all these thoughts out but I'm sure that you know what they are.

There's a part of me that wants to panic because I think OMG I've lived most of my life. In the grand scheme of things I don't have much time left. I have so much more living to do. How am I going to cram it all into 20 or 30 years? I also think about the responsibility I have to my children and grandchildren. I think of all the things that I need to teach them. I think of all the things that my grandma taught me. Things that took her a lifetime to teach me. I hope I didn't get started too late.

I have more questions today than answers and I'm okay with that. See, I finally figured out I don't have to know everything. I just have to be open to God. I have to trust Him and follow the path where He leads even when the road is twisty-windy and I'm afraid. I have found some of the most beautiful gifts in the weirdest twists along the path in my life. I believe that's when God has taken my screw ups and made them into something awesome.

The last year and a half has been difficult yet good. I've done a lot of growing. I have ended some relationships and started new ones. The most important relationship I have started is one with myself. For the first time in my life I've lived alone. No man. No children. Just me. I think I finally figured out how to take care of myself. I finally understand what "I am responsible for my own happiness" means. Most of the time when I am unhappy it is because I am not being true to myself. I am busy trying to people please to make someone else happy at my own expense. As long as I stay true to who I really am, I am at peace within myself and I am happy.

God has blessed me with good friends and with people that I love with all my heart. I hope they are there in my future. Time will tell. A good friend of mine told me one time that it's okay to plan for the future just write it in pencil and carry a big eraser. Yet there are some people in my life that I want to write in with a sharpy marker so they will never leave. Like I said time will tell. ;-)

One last thought...I am a lot like my grandmother Lillian who is still living at over 90 years old. She is still very active and has her mind about her. She is a very fiesty, strong and independent woman. She told me that age is just a number. That if we think we're old we will act old no matter what our age is. I for one refuse to get old. I don't care what is socially acceptable or unacceptable for anybody at 50 years of age or older to do or not do. I am going to do whatever I want the way I want. If I want to dress crazy I'm going to dress crazy. If I want to do my hair weird I'm going to do my hair weird. If I wanna go dance in the street I'm going to go dance in the street. If you don't like it don't watch. I'm going to be like my grandma and I'm going to LIVE every moment I have left until the day I die. So if you're one of my intimate friends or family members, humor me, come along with me and enjoy the ride!

Dec 4, 2012

Lying Here Beside You

by Andrea Tadpole

Lying here beside you
Watching you sleep
Thinking you're an angel
I hope I get to keep

Passions ignited
In ways unknown to me
Never thought
I'd see the day
My dream
Would come to be

Your heart is
Bright and beautiful
It takes my
Breath away
Your spirit
Strong yet gentle
In everything
You do

You mind is sharp
Your word is true
Your wise beyond
Your years

Your smile contagious
Your laughter infectious

Oh my God
I'm so
In love with you

Surely you're an angel
Sent from God above
For when
All hope was lost
I was throwing
In the towel
You swept me up
In your strong arms
And gave me life anew

Lying here beside you
Watching you sleep
Feeling you touch me
In places oh so deep
Knowing that I'm safe
As long as
I'm next to you

Thinking you're an angel
I hope I get to keep