For #HEARTHEWORLD

#HEARTHEWORLD

I wrote this in 2010 after a bad day dealing with hearing loss...

Rantings of A Hearing Impaired Person

by Andrea Tadpole

I have severe hearing loss in my left ear and moderate in my right. I have a voice because I didn’t lose my hearing until I was in my 20s. I don’t sign, I read lips. When I was 24 I had surgery on my left ear to fix it and it went bad. I lost even more hearing in it. From 23 years ago when I woke up from surgery until today my left ear has rang 24/7 sometimes so loud I cannot hear or understand anything, much less hear my own voice. My heart has beat in my ears really loud most of the time all my life because the artery that runs in my neck is unusually close to my middle ear. Surgery to fix it would kill me. I usually don't gripe about it, I just try to do the best I can to live with it.

Yet, today, I am complaining. I am sick and tired of people expecting me to be able to hear like a “normal” person. I CANNOT MAKE MYSELF hear any better than I do. If I could I would. I cannot help it that I cannot hear MY OWN VOICE very good at times. I cannot explain why one minute I can sit and talk to someone and the next I can't understand a word they are saying because the background noise drowns everything out. It’s not personal; I have hearing loss that's all. Hearing aids don't make me hear "normal" they make me hear EVERYTHING and my brain doesn't know how to filter sounds anymore. Sometimes the “NOISE” from wearing hearing aids overwhelms me to the point that I can’t think. Is that my fault? Is it something that gives you the right to be pissed off at me about it? I can't fix it. I can only live with it.

When the one's I love get mad at me and give me the silent treatment because I couldn't understand or spoke too loud or whatever it is that I did that day to "embarrass" them again because I can't hear it breaks my heart. My heart is broken today.

DO NOT EVEN TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND if you CAN HEAR because YOU DON'T. Try walking in my shoes before you are so quick to kick me when I'm down. Try a little bit of compassion for me instead of shutting me out. IT HURTS.

My Response to Ferguson

I'm fed up with all the racial slurs, bullshit posts and name calling from EVERY RACE right now concerning Ferguson and the whole issue surrounding races in the US today. So, I'm going to say my peace and if you don't like it, feel free to unfriend me. I don't really care anymore. Part of this is from a comment I just made on another post so here goes:

I agree that there have been MANY horrific atrocities done in the past in this country. Native Americans were systematically exterminated. I have ancestors in my family line of Cherokees who died on the Trail of Tears. African Americans were enslaved and treated inhumanely. It was horrible. There are other races who've been persecuted too. I agree IT WAS WRONG. It breaks my heart that anyone of ANY COLOR has been treated like that. ALL LIVES MATTER. However, I cannot change the PAST. I can only live in the present and make choices TODAY that will hopefully  change the future.

I read post after post, some of my friends, shouting down with whites and others yelling down with blacks. All this does is feed the evil corroding thread of violence in our nation today. Some people scream stop racism and apologize for the race they are all in the same breath. So how does that stop racism?  To me, it just keeps the hatred going.

I REFUSE to apologize for the color of my skin. I don't expect anyone else to apologize for theirs either. I "look" white but I have Native American ancestors and I'm Irish, Scottish, Dutch and German that I know of. Just because I might look one color or the other should not matter in this world.

If everyone would stop whining about and wallowing around in the past and move on things would get better. I'm sick of people saying how bad one race or the other is. Enough is enough. Let it go. Instead of sowing into the hatred, maybe try sowing into unity and harmony. Instead of rioting and protesting why not start in your OWN home and every day lives to embrace our differences instead of apologizing for them? Enough is enough.

In the words of the late Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along?!"

Gratitude November 2014 Day 21

Gratitude November 2014 Day 21

by Andrea Tadpole

I am tired today. Long day at work. I'm grateful simply for another day above ground :-)

Gratitude November 2014 Day 20

by Andrea Tadpole

Today I am grateful that I actually love myself today. For the longest time I hated myself and as a result I allowed people into my life who tore me down. Today I don't have many friends, but the ones I have build me up and I do the same for them. If I had not learned to love me first those friendships would of been impossible.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 19

by Andrea Tadpole

Today I am grateful for the gift of writing.  Having the ability to put my feelings and thoughts into words has saved my sanity and life many times over in my life. It's given me a way to paint pictures with words. Some beautiful,  some not so pretty. All in all though, when I look back in my writings I am reminded of where I've been and what I've lived through. It allows me to see the hand of God ever present in my life and in the lives of those I love.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 18

Today, November 18th is my mother's birthday. I know it's selfish, but I'm grateful my mom is still alive. I hope and pray the doctors can relieve her pain and get her back well in the upcoming surgery. I hope I can see her soon. I miss her deeply.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 17

Today I am grateful for the gift God has given me of having a sense of humor. Laughter and the ability to see the hilarity and absurdity in life has carried me through the tough times.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 16

With the cold weather outside today I am grateful for a home with a warm bed, warm clothes and shoes,  a decent car, good food to eat, and a man and family and friends who love me and I them. There are many people alone on the streets and cold today. I've been there. It's a tough and hard road. So grateful for the life I have today.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 15

I was not feeling well Friday and Saturday so I didn't write my Gratitude for day 15. Here it is, I wrote it to my sweet Andre:

I'm laying here remembering a time when I had the flu and I was all alone. I didn't have anybody that cared enough to check on me or sit with me. It was one of the worst times in my life. I felt like an insignificant speck in the vast universe. Today you and I have each other. It is so comforting to know that you're the one person in the world who will always be there for me just like I will always be there for you. I'm still feeling a little bad. Fever comes and goes. I read and think it's from the pneumonia vaccine. It makes me feel better to know that you'll be home soon and I'm not alone anymore. I love you more than I have words to say! <3

Now that's what I am grateful for!!

Gratitude November 2014 Day 14

by Andrea Tadpole

I'm not into country music but this song touched me like no other. It made me think of my own mom, Alice Tarrant. She not well right now and in Florida way too fat away from me. I love her so much. Her birthday is this Tuesday and I wish I could be there. I miss her deeply.

I thought of my daughter, Alicia Zelsnack too. She became a mom at barely 16. She chose life for her daughter Destiny when she didn't have to. Now she's the mother of three beautiful girls. She is the most awesome loving and compassionate mother and woman. I admire her. She has no idea how beautiful she is. That makes her radiate beauty even more.

Last but not least, I though about my "other mom, my step mom Linda Tadpole. We are kindred spirits. We are both artists. From the moment I met her I knew we met in another lifetime somewhere. I love her deeply.

So, tonight day 14 of my Gratitude list, I am greatful for all the strong, compassionate,  loving women God has blessed me with along life's journey. My life would so incomplete without them.

Garth Brooks - Mom - Live on Good Morning Americ…: http://youtu.be/cRduDpZ52UA

Gratitude November 2014 Day 13

People might think I'm crazy but the one thing I'm grateful for today is Google. I have a new job and this job has stretched me beyond belief. The things that I've been asked to do on the computer with different software packages were daunting. Some of it I had no clue how to do. But, like I always do when I'm faced with a challenge, I prayed and asked God to show me what to do. Then I consulted the Oracle aka Google. One search led to another and then there it was the answer to a problem that I had. I'm so grateful because I was able to impress my boss and feel a little more secure about my new job. I'm praying that I get to keep it for a long time.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 12

Today I am grateful for peace of mind. When I was young my mind raced nonstop and I worried about things continually. I was thinking that it's been a long time since my mind raced and what a blessing that is.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 11

Today I am grateful for a warm, comfy bed to sleep in. There was a time in my life when I didn't have one. The streets are hard, especially when it's cold.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 10

When the economy went belly up a few years ago I was without a job for 4 years despite having a college education. I pretty much lost everything material. The only thing left was the love of family and friends...the thing that really counts. Those were scary times for me. I've always worked since I was 14 years old. When I couldn't find a job I didn't know what I was going to do. Yet God carried me through. Today I am so grateful for a good job!

Gratitude November 2014 Day 9

Today I am grateful for my sobriety.  Without it I would have been dead long ago. I would've missed out on so much. Today my life is better than I could've ever imagined it.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 8

Finally! I'm caught up with my Gratitude list. I have had this one on my mind all morning.

Today I am grateful for my son, Sedrick Zelsnack. For a couple of years Sedrick and I were estranged. I missed him deeply and prayed every day that God would bring him back to me. In April he came home. I have no words to describe the joy it gave me to have him back in my life! Life has not been perfect since then. We have faced some tough problems together and not always agreed but we did it TOGETHER. Life is too short to spend it no talking to ones you love so much. Before you know it, you turn around and they're gone. I thank God every day now that I have my son back. I love you Seddy!

Gratitude November 2014 Day 7

I was driving home from work today and stuck at a stoplight. I looked over and there was 3 women standing on the sidewalk in a circle holding hands and praying. It occurred to me that there are places in this world where a person will be imprisoned or killed for doing that. I am so grateful that I live in a country where I have the freedom to pray in public like that. Don't get me wrong I'm not a "religious" nut but I am a spiritual person and I believe in the power of prayer. Most of us take our freedom for granted here in this country. I'm grateful for that today.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 6

Wow I just realized I missed day 6 on the gratitude list so I'm going to do that one now.

Today I am grateful for my daughter Alicia. She is the light of my life. She's the mother of three beautiful girls who I love deeply too. Alicia works hard and loves deeply. She's an awesome mother and daughter. In her adult years she has become my best friend and I thank God for the beautiful gift that she is to me.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 5

Today has been a tough day for me. My anxiety level was skyrocketing. I've had lots of things on my mind. Some bad, some scary and some good. Change, any kind of change good or bad is always difficult for me. It gets me spun up inside. When I get like this its hard. I want to shut down and not breathe till it passes. Yet I know the best thing to do is reach out to ones who understand. So that's what I did.

I am so very grateful to two friends (you know who you are) for talking to me today. I'm also grateful for the love and understanding my man Andre gave me. I went and hung out at my dad's for a little while tonight. It felt so good. We didn't have to say a lot just watched TV.

Just knowing that I have family that loves me,  a man (soon to be my husband) that cares for me in spite of me and friends who willingly walk this sometimes crazy journey with me are more precious to me than anything money could buy. I am forever grateful for all of them.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 4

Sometimes I surprise myself. I found this writing I did last year on November 23. It made me stop in my tracks. It seems apropos to repost it for my Gratitude writing today:

Gratitude Day 23: Tonight I need to purge my mind for a few so please allow me to do so here. Sit back, relax and read. Hopefully it won't be too out there ;)

Anyway...I had an odd day today. In my mind I had it all planned out: go help Andre clean his restaurant; eat lunch; get my granddaughter Destiny; go to the mall; get nails done and shop around a little and go home. All went as planned till I got done with my nails. Then an unexpected opportunity arose to go to far south Broken Arrow to get a surprise for my daughter and granddaughters. Did that and on the way back got a call from Andre at the restaurant to run to the store for him to get some last minute items for tomorrow's Route 66 marathon breakfast downtown where he works. So I hauled ass back to Tulsa got his stuff and ran to Sapulpa and gave my daughter and granddaughters the Wii game system I got for a steal. They were thrilled with it! Then I took me and Destiny out to eat. Whew!! What a long crazy day!

I finally got home a little while ago and I realized I hadn't written my Gratitude thing today. Those of you who know me realize that I don't like the word gratitude. I especially hate meetings that have the topic of gratitude for discussion. The main reason is because most of the crap people say they are grateful for (me included) has nothing to do with gratitude. I mean who isn't grateful for material success? Anyway like I said, I was thinking about what to write on my list today because I made a commitment to myself to do the Gratitude thing every day this November whether I liked it or not.

So, I was soaking in a hot bath thinking about my day. It occurred to me that even though my day was different from what I had planned, it was ok. That's not normal for me so I realized something good has happened inside of me. Maybe a little bit of selfishness has died...well one can hope.

Then my mind went back to thinking about about gratitude. I drifted back to a meeting I was at one day years ago. The topic was gratitude. I was sitting across the table from a friend of mine named Dewina. I will use her name now because she's in heaven with the angels. She was blind and she had a leg amputated, all from diabetes. I remember sitting here trying to think about what I could say I was grateful for. I heard myself think, "Boy I'm grateful I'm not in her place! At least I have two legs and I can see." Then a voice as loud as a megaphone went off in my head (I assume it was God). It said to me, "WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH GRATITUDE?!" It stopped my thinking in its tracks. I realized being "grateful" I didn't relapse like that person or have cancer or some other crisis like someone else was nothing more than being selfish and judgemental. If I'm truly grateful then my actions will show that. Gratitude is not a feeling it's an action, a verb.

I sat there that day and I watched my friend Dewina laugh and share joy and love with everyone. I remembered when I met her the first time at a meeting with my best friend whom I sponsored at the time. It was one of her first meetings. She was one of those women that I thought was hopeless and could never make it. Yet here she sat all these years later; still sober in spite of all the physical hell she was going through. Still doing all she could to bring joy to people. And I realized what a blessing it was to know her. She died a few months later.

I wrote a poem after that about gratitude. It was inspired by Dewina. I have been so blessed to sit in meetings day in and day out for years with the most beautiful spiritual giants I have ever known. Dewina was one of them. So tonight I am posting the poem at the end of my diatribe that I wrote, in honor of Dewina and countless others that God has blessed me with on my path. I am forever indebted to them for my sobriety.

GRATITUDE

by Andrea Tadpole

Gratitude is not all the flowery words we say
Or how good we look on the outside
It's found in the silent places
In the stillness of our hearts
It's seen in the small unnoticed things we do for those in need
It's in the art of listening
In shouldering someone's burdens without reward or accolades
True gratitude is not a nostalgic feeling we have when we look to our past
Its a choice we make to love the unloveable
Those we meet along God's path before us
Gratitude is an action
A response to the grace God has given us
And evidence of the miracle
He has wrought within our hearts

Gratitude November 2014 Day 3

Before the day gets away from me I will give my Gratitude for the day. Today I'm grateful for phones. If it weren't for phones I wouldn't be able to talk to my mom and hear her voice. She's not well right now and it weighs heavy on my heart. She lives in Florida and I'm not in a position to be able to go see her. If she were here I'd take care of her. At least we have the phone and can connect that way. Please pray for her healing.

A Grandmother's Lament

by Andrea Tadpole

NOTE:
I transcribed this on November 5, 2010 at 12:53am from a recording I found that I did on January 31, 2008 at about 1:45am after my grandson, Michael Aidyn Jude Zelsnack went to be with the Lord. I do not remember recording this and in the recording I was obviously completely emotionally distraught. The words are not edited in any way. They are raw, like the pain I felt that day. I hope you understand. ~Andrea~

Well, my little Mikey died today
I don’t even know what day it is
I think its like the 3oth, 29th, whatever
I’ll look on the calendar
Anyway, it’s 1:45 in the morning
It was actually yesterday

You know, I look at life some times
And I just don’t understand
I don’t
Everything’s just so fucked up

How do I tell Sedrick and Kiley to not lose hope
When they’re working so hard and being so good
And then everything bad happens
TO THEM
Their good people God

I got to find a place in my heart
To write about this little boy

I mess up and I get attached
I get attached so fast
Because I believe life begins at conception
And I believe that life is viable
The minute that little child is there and there’s a heartbeat
I don’t understand how people can say
That at this week or that week you’re not viable
I hate that fucking word
What does VIABLE mean anyways

How do you keep from losing hope
When everything looks so hopeless

How do you pick your foot up
And put it in front of you
And take the next step
When all your energy is gone

How do you smile
When your heart's broken in a million pieces

How do you have faith
When your faith hasn’t worked

There was this little boy named Mikey
I felt him kick once
I saw him in his mother’s womb
He moved around
He was lively
I saw a 3D ultrasound of him
And he looked just like his daddy
He did

How can he be alive one hour
And gone the next

How can you
How do you get past all the pain

I’m tired
I’m just so tired

I went today and I held my little Courtney
Cuz it gave me peace
I rocked her
And I listened to her snore
Cuz it gave me peace

I thought I would die when Zoey died
I watched her heart beating out of her chest
And I couldn’t make her live

Little Mikey didn’t even have a chance
I don’t know how to reconcile that in my mind
I don’t understand it

I don’t understand
I don’t have answers anymore
For anything

I’m broken hearted
I’m tired of going to see my grandchildren in a grave
When I should be the one in the grave
Not them
I can’t make anybody understand that

I don’t have any answers anymore
About anything
And I don’t even know if it matters

I gotta pick one foot up
And put it in front of the other
And keep moving
And I don’t know how
God I don’t know how

It’s like I’m playing the same song again
Only a different verse
And I can’t get out of it

God, this is just too hard
I don’t have no answers
And I hate it

Maybe I can find some words
Come on, think about it

Okay

I’m sitting here watching the minutes
Click on the clock

No,  try again

Sitting in the cold silence
Watching the clock tick
Minute by minute goes by

Dreading this job
That I know I have to do

Holding the camera
Knowing that I have to take pictures
Of the birth of my stillborn grandson
Dreading it with all my heart

Begging God to let me switch places
Begging God to bring his heartbeat back
Begging God to make my son stop hurting
And my daughter-in-law okay and whole

And yet I have no choice
And I have no control
And I feel like my prayers bounce back
And smack me in the face

How do I go on
How do I surmount this mountain of pain once again

I tell myself that he’s in Heaven with Zoey playing
Up there somewhere
But what exactly does up there somewhere mean

I’m so confused in my mind
And grasping at straws desperately

Maybe if we did this
Maybe if we did that

Thumbed through the Bible
Trying to think of that verse that says
Whatever is perfect and pure
And all that
To focus on that
I don’t even know how

The only little grandson 
I’ll probably ever have
I didn’t get to see him laugh
I didn’t get to feel him
Warm and cuddly next to me

Somehow being up there in Heaven
Just ain’t enough right now

And yet I find myself
Clicking the camera
One picture after another

Desperately hoping that it’s not what it is
Hoping that the nightmare ends

And yet it still keeps coming
There’s no way out of it
Except through

I know I’ll make it
I just don’t want to

I’m tired
I want the trouble to end
I just want to have peace
I just want my family to be healthy and whole

I want Kiley and Sedrick to be happy
They deserve another child

I don’t know
I just don’t have the answers

Now I hear in my mind
Put your trust in Jesus
Rest in Him
God knows every little sparrow that falls
I know all that stuff
But somehow it just ain’t enough right now

I don’t have the answers
I’m lost and I’m tired
I just need some rest

I hear in my mind
Let the dead bury the dead
I don’t know what that means

Cuz my little grandson
He was a part of me
And I don’t know how to get past the hurt

I don’t have a poem left in me
I just don’t know
Maybe poems don’t have to rhyme anymore

Gratitude November 2014 Day 2

Today I am most grateful for my father, Elmer Tadpole,  Jr. While he and I started out rough and locked horns early in life, as an adult he has become my best friend. He is my hero in so many ways. He has taught me a lot in life, especially to love and help those that are less fortunate than myself. He has always been the one that fought for the underdog even when people didn't understand why he did it. Today I understand. My father is also a veteran. He served in the US Navy. That makes me very proud. I love you daddy!!

Taken By Surprise

Once in awhile, right in the middle of the chaos of my life, God takes me by surprise. Right when I least expect it, He allows me to witness the most beautiful metamorphosis. It's always happens on the day that I am wound up all inside about my problems and my pain. It's always on a day when I feel depleted and as if I have nothing left inside of me to give. I think God does that to remind me that it is His work, not mine and I'm a mere spectator in the miracle He's about to perform. When it happens it always brings my life to a screeching halt for a few sacred and holy moments.

I had such an occurrence today. In honor of the tradition in AA of anonymity I will not use the person's name. She knows who she is. I will tell you though, that I witnessed a beautiful, young woman embrace Step 3 today. Both of us had our days planned out, yet God had another agenda. I sat and watched her spirit unfold like a beautiful flower and I saw God touch her face. It took me back to the first time I did Step 3 so many years ago. It reminded me of what a miracle each of us are and what a sacred gift our recovery is.

Today will be forever etched in my heart. I am humbled that God allowed me to be the one to pray the 3rd Step Prayer with her. Once again, I stand in awe of the Creator and His deep love for us all.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 1

Last year I made it a point to write something I was grateful for every day in November in honor of Thanksgiving. I have decided to do it again this year. Since it is November 1st today this my first day to write.

I will start off with the one thing I am most grateful for in my life today. It is not really a thing it as a person and that person is my fiancé Andre Broussard. We are going to get married on Valentine's Day next year. I am the happiest girl in the world.

I don't see marriage as the final destination, I see it as a public declaration of something that has happened between our two hearts in private. I only hope our wedding is a celebration of the love we have found in each other and the life we build with together day by day.

I don't think that life is supposed to be perfect. If it were it would be boring. I don't believe that people are perfect either, especially when they're in a relationship together. However, Andre is the perfect man for me. We have been through good times, bad times and very devastating times together in the last 2 years. Yet we have always stood together through it all.

Andre is man of character and he is intelligent beyond anything that I could ever be. He is wise beyond his years and he has taught me to look at life in a positive way. I don't know why but for some reason he loves me in spite of all my insecurities, warts and bruises. See, to the outside world I look strong, but Andre is the only one that sees my weakness. Even then, he picks me up when I am down and carries me if needed. I always try to do the same for him. Like we always say to each other....TEAM WINS!

Andre has instilled a sense of hope in me again. He has brought back my smile.

I am so grateful to God for giving me Andre. He is a rare and precious jewel to me. I am proud beyond words to be his woman and someday soon his wife. I only hope that I can make him feel as proud to be my husband.

I love you more Andre!  <3

My Thoughts On Singleness of Purpose & Special Internet Groups in AA

I have no use for "special interest" groups. I see no point in segregating men, women, straight,  bi, gay, Spanish, etc ad nauseum. If we actually practiced the 12 steps,  12 principles and 12 traditions in AA meetings there would be no need to segregate would there?
I have done all kinds of mood altering stuff including alcohol, drugs and other stuff I'm not even sure could be classified. I could go to every 12 step meeting around and identify on some level. I even did that in my early recovery. Hell I was going to so many different 12 step meetings I couldn't remember which one I was in half the time.

Then one day I went to an AA meeting and did my typical introduction "my name is Andrea and I'm an alcoholic, addict, sexaholic, overeater, etc." After the meeting an old timer pulled me aside and asked me what my MAIN PROBLEM was, what was the one thing in all the plethora of things I used that if there was nothing else left I would find. I told him alcohol. He then said:
"Well instead of trying to fix everything at once and risking relapse as a result, why not try just focusing on alcohol and just be an alcoholic when your in AA meetings? See we have this slogan KISS Keep It Simple Stupid. If you keep it simple, just focus on AA, get a sponsor and work the steps all that other stuff will take care of itself. Oh and by the way we define sobriety as not using ANY mood altering stuff including alcohol and drugs."

That old man pissed me off at first and still for a while I had my long intro at meetings. He never said another word to me about it. A few weeks later I found myself thinking about relapsing and that man's words came back to me. I went straight to an AA meeting, introduced myself as just an alcoholic and have ever since. I stopped going to 10 different recovery programs and focused solely on AA. Funny, all those other issues took care of themselves thru working the steps with a sponsor.

I have 28 years of continuous sobriety today. I owe Harold Inman, God rest his soul, credit for my sobriety. He had enough courage to tell me the truth and it set me free.

Death and Robin Williams

I have been through way too much death over the past decade. Some unavoidable due to illnesses, others unexpected and unexplainable, and several were suicides. Death of any loved one is heartbreaking. Grief is a horrible, often ugly process. We don't just "get over it". We walk through it one breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time.

I am usually not too affected by the death of a far off celebrity, but the death of Robin Williams has really hit me hard. Maybe because the recent death of my would be sister-in-law in January is still fresh on my heart. Also because Robin Williams appeared to be such a beautiful soul. There are many things in life that are unexplainable, his death is one of them.

I watched one of Robin Williams' last movies entitled "The Angriest Man in Brooklyn" today. I had never heard of it until he died. The media reported the movie as a flop. I will admit it wasn't your typical high action, blood, guts and violence that sells these days. It was an actual story about a family going through the grieving of the loss of a loved one. In the movie Williams attempts suicide over it all. This movie spoke to me on so many levels. It was a simple, poignant movie that showed the heart of Robin Williams, a true actor and artist. 

I have heard it said by callous, mouthy bystanders at funerals of suicides that the person who took their own life is doomed to rot in hell for eternity. I think not. I believe that the day of our birth and the day of our death is appointed by God. I also believe that if it is not our time, God will not allow us to pass on, even if we try to take our own lives. I'm living proof of that. For those who do commit suicide, I think God allows their suffering to end. I think He sees this world is just too hard for them and He brings them home.

So to Robin Williams, my grandchildren who have gone before me, and the countless other loved ones I've buried, may God bless and keep you with Him forever. Rest in peace and fly high with the Angels. Save me a place till I meet you there some day.

Early Morning Hours

By Andrea Tadpole

I love the
Early morning hours
When all the world's asleep
Lying in your arms
Skin to skin
Cheek to cheek

My nose pressed
In your chest
Your scent
So sweet

Nothing else matters
Family drama falls away
Worries disappear

Just you and me
Bodies intertwined
Playing footsie
In the dark

Angel In Disguise

by Andrea Tadpole

The day I met you
My heart took flight
It was the end of
A long dark night

You must of come
From somewhere above
An angel in disguise
Wrapped in love

When Will It Be My Turn

NOTE: I wrote this a year ago. I understand now. He waited because he DOES love me. We are getting married on Valentine's Day next year!!

by Andrea Tadpole

I've tried to show him
How much
Love I have
Tried to breathe
New life into his
Broken Heart
But I fear I've failed
Miserably

I've waited patiently
For him
Like a butterfly
To land on me
Careful not to
Scare him away

Yet it seems
He will never stop
And trust me enough
To give his
Whole heart
And commit

I've racked my mind
Sleepless night
After night
I don't understand
Why he still flits away

Is it me
Am I just
Not good enough
Maybe I don't work
Hard enough
Or maybe I make
His life worse

I don't know anymore
I just know that
My heart is broke
Because he won't
Make me his wife

Father's Day Letter 1987

Dear Daddy,

Today I've been thinking a lot about my past; I guess because it's Father's Day.

I've spent the last twenty-three years of my life constantly reminding you how sorry I was that you were my dad. I did a lot of things to try and hurt you and I didn't want to get close to you. I wasted so much time. I wish that I could take back all the bad things I said to and about you, but I can't. They tell me in AA that I had to go through everything I went through to get to where I am at today.

I feel like there's so much lost time to make up for with you. I have tried the best I could this past year to be a responsible, sober, mature young lady. See, they tell me in AA the only way I can truly make amends to my family is by living life sober one day at a time.

I know that you don't understand my disease of alcoholism, and lots of times I feel like you think this "AA thing" is just another "phase" I'm going through. Lord knows I've went through enough. I can assure you this is no phase. AA and it's 12 steps of recovery have become a way of life, a design for living for me today. For the first time in my life I love myself.  I'm beginning to know who Andrea is and what she wants, what she feels and believes. I spent all of my life running from me. I put the blame for all my problems on you and mom, anyone close to my life.  Today I know if I have a problem I've 99.5% of the time created it myself. There's no one else to blame.

You know? You really surprised me when I went into treatment. You stuck by me. I just knew that you were gonna tell me I had really gone over the deep end this time and disown me. In some sense of the idea I had gone over the deep end, but you were there. You will never, never know how much that helped me. For the first time in my life I realized how much you loved me. That is truly the neatest feeling I've ever had.

They also told me that God would restore my relationships with my family. They being AA, of course. I can see where God is doing that. I am no longer deathly afraid of you. I know that I can come and talk to you not just as my dad, but as another person. You know, I think a lot of the change has come because I have accepted you as a human being. I no longer have unrealistic expectations set on you. You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to be wealthy, you don't owe me a damn thing. I just love you very much and I want so much to be closer to you (I feel I am to some extent). I know for me today to have all these things I want, I must stay sober and keep a real close relationship with my Higher Power (God) and He'll give me all I need or ever wanted just because I'm putting Him first.

I also want to thank you for never down grading me for my choice to be an active member in AA. I've always longed to be accepted by you and for a long time I looked to you to make me feel okay; and when you couldn't I would get angry and resentful. I know today that the only one that can make me feel okay is God and me. If I'm doing the best I can to be honest with myself and willing to change my attitudes instead of expecting everyone else to dance to my tune I will feel okay and I will stay sober and live a happy joyous and free life one day at a time. I guess I've rambled enough.

I just want you to know how much I truly love you. I always will -- you're my daddy! For that I am truly grateful to God.

Hugs and kisses,
Andrea

Her Eyes Give Her Away

I wrote this for my friend Stella DeVille on May 14, 1993 at 8:40pm CST in Sulphur Springs, AR while at a women’s AA retreat. I have tried to find it many times over the years to give to her again but I never did. I prayed and asked God to show me where it was today and to my amazement found it. I guess I wasn’t supposed to find it till now. I loved Stella deeply. God gave me the honor of watching her come into AA, sober up and grow. I sponsored her for a while in the beginning and heard her 5th step. I have sat in many meetings with her over the past few years and she has taught me so much more than I ever did her. I will miss her and never forget her. Here is what I wrote so long ago about Stella:

I am sitting here on the porch watching the sun sink slowly behind the hills. Stella asked me to write something for her and about her. I have been thinking of what to write. It has to be inspirational. I feel so inadequate. I want to write something that will touch her spirit. I keep “trying” to come up with something. I know when I let go, God will write through me. I just need to get out of the way. One of my greatest desires is to be a writer – to publish a book. Is that ego or is that God? I am not sure. Time will tell.

Now back to Stella. What do I admire in Stella? I admire her sense of humor, her willingness, her passion; I love her little child within. I love to play with her and can read her eyes.

Her Eyes Give Her Away

by Andrea Tadpole

She tries to look so strong
Yet her eyes give her away

Her eyes say I’m scared and lonely
I don’t know where I fit

She’s been through tremendous pain
I wish I could take it away
I can’t

I watch her grow
I’ve seen her change
She doesn’t like to admit it
But she’s grown
Her eyes give her away

Today they say
I’VE SURVIVED
I’M ALIVE
Show me what to do
I need to learn to live

Her eyes are full of
Excitement
Uncertainty
Joy and pain

Today she can feel
And she can cry

The tears
Wash away the dirt
And heal the wounds
They give life clarity
And help things grow

She’s a beautiful lady
I love her
She’s my soulmate
She's my sister
And her eyes give her away

Rhonda Nannette Broussard-Dicks

Created by Andrea Tadpole & Lamont Broussard with love

The Oldest

Note: I wrote this for my "Big Sis" Rhonda...I will miss her and never forget her...RIP Rhonda :'(

The Oldest

by Andrea Tadpole

You were told
From the very start
You're the oldest
You must be strong

Take care of your
Little brothers and sisters
Protect them
And guard their
Every heart

You must always
Be there
Whatever is needed
You do

Yet never
Show your
Weakness
Lest you fail
The little ones
They're always
Looking up to you

Problem is
You never learned
To let anyone
Care for you

You hid your worries
Deep inside
After all
You're the oldest
That's what you were
Supposed to do

Why does God
Let some live
While others
He let's die

It seems
He takes the
Beautiful ones
And leaves
The rest of us
To cry

I suspect
He looked down
And saw your
Every pain

Knew you couldn't
Take it and
Brought you home
Out of the rain