by Andrea Tadpole
I wrote this note to my 11 year old granddaughter Destiny. She has a hard time finding pretty, girly shoes for her age. Unfortunately, she inherited a disorder from me that makes her toes look different from most peoples. She is embarassed and teased about her feet all the time. We went and bought some shoes one day and she got teased about them so I sent her this note:
Do not let anyone make you feel bad about your shoes or feet. When people make fun or say something bad about a person's differences it just shows how stupid and mean they really are. You are beautiful. What your feet look like or what shoes you wear don't make you who you are. Who you are is what is in your heart. You have a beautiful heart and I love you very much. So wear your shoes proudly with your head held high.
Jun 19, 2011
Jun 4, 2011
The Story of Walter Pigeon
by Andrea Tadpole
Before I tell you this story let me preface it with this. I am a Christian, but not a very strict one. By that I mean that I do not choose to practice organized religion on a regular basis. That’s not to say I never go to church, I’m just not one that is devoted to any one church or denomination. I am a spiritual person, not religious. I believe in God and Jesus, I pray every day, but I am not a holy roller if you know what I mean. My relationship with God is very personal and not up to scrutiny by a bunch of religious nuts. I allow everyone the right to worship God however they want and expect the same in return. So I don’t want you to think I’m a Bible thumper, I’m not. If you are that’s cool. I’m not opposed at all; I just am not as rigid as most. Anyway, here’s the true story of a pigeon named Walter:
The Story of Walter Pigeon
One cold, dreary, rainy fall day when I was picking my kids up from school I rescued an injured pigeon from a group of kids who had surrounded it and were yelling and kicking water in its face. I wrapped him in my coat and took him home. I put him in my dog crate in the garage with a blanket on the floor of it so he would stay warm. He was thin for a pigeon. His chest and under his wing was scraped up. He was freaked out too. I had never seen a pigeon’s eyes that big before!! I named him Walter. All winter he recuperated in the garage. I fed him, put Neosporin on his wounds and made sure he had plenty of water.
At the same time my second marriage was falling apart. My husband at the time had been in Narcotics Anonymous for 12 years and relapsed. He started using drugs again, they were prescription drugs but he was playing every doctor in Tulsa and abusing them. He turned into a monster and I was trying so hard to hold our marriage together because I loved the man he used to be. I was going to counseling to try to cope with it all. When I would get overwhelmed with everything, usually late at night, I would go sit on the steps inside the garage next to Walter and pet his head and talk to him about everything that was going wrong. He listened intently, probably because he had no choice, but I like to tell myself that he really cared about me since I had rescued him from the throng of kids. Anyway, over the months, Walter ate good and got nice and fat and happy. We became good friends. The counseling sessions had started to pay off for me and I was gaining confidence in myself. I took my focus off the passed out elephant in the bedroom that would rather sleep his life away than be a part of his family and put it on me and my kids. We had a life without him. I knew that if he did not get clean again it was over but I tried to hang on and give him a chance.
Eventually my kids and I decided that we would release Walter on the first day of spring. We were all excited. We took his cage to the porch and said our goodbyes. Then I opened the cage thinking Walter would come running out and fly away. To my amazement, he didn’t. He just sat there looking at me. I kept saying, “Your free Walter, you’re free, you can fly away now!!” He didn’t move. I sat there looking at him for a minute wondering why he didn’t want to leave. I finally reached in, picked him up and put him on the porch outside of his cage. He sat there for a minute and looked at the cage and then the sky as if he was trying to decide what to do. Finally, he took off! Wow! What a beautiful sight!! He flew around and around, swooping and diving. He came and landed on the eave of my house and looked at me as if to say thank you. Then he flew away. I never saw him again.
That night I sat out on the porch and watched the stars. I thought about my whole experience with Walter Pigeon. I believed then and still do today that God comes to me in many ways to get my attention especially through animals. I suspect He came to me through Walter. Here was this pigeon, the one bird that is considered the nastiest, most unwanted and outcast bird in our society. Much like me he was hurt and alone in the rain. I came along and rescued him, fed him, gave him a warm place to live and heal from the hard knocks of life just like God has done that for me countless times in many different ways. Then when he was well and could fly free he was afraid and did not move until the one person he trusted the most reached in and helped him out. Like Walter I have been in my own cage or prison, a self imposed one many times despite the fact that God has already opened the door. I still let fear consume me at times and stay in the cage because it is familiar and safe even if I am locked up. Yet, God loves me enough that He will always reach in and ever so gently coax me out of my cage and into the beautiful flight of freedom.
I realized that night that God had been trying to tell me all this time that no matter what I chose to do He loved me and would take care of me and my kids. I could stay married and in this sick crazy world with my husband who had no intention of getting clean again or I could fly free, it was my choice. It was as if the weight of the world fell off my shoulders that night. I felt free. It was another year before my marriage ended but I knew that I was not alone. Since then my ex-husband eventually died of a drug overdose. It’s sad and there are days I miss him. Yet, I am still free and flying!!
Many years have passed since then. My kids are grown and I have beautiful grandchildren. Yet, every time I see a pigeon I still think of one very special pigeon named Walter who taught me how to be free. Fly high and free Walter!!
Before I tell you this story let me preface it with this. I am a Christian, but not a very strict one. By that I mean that I do not choose to practice organized religion on a regular basis. That’s not to say I never go to church, I’m just not one that is devoted to any one church or denomination. I am a spiritual person, not religious. I believe in God and Jesus, I pray every day, but I am not a holy roller if you know what I mean. My relationship with God is very personal and not up to scrutiny by a bunch of religious nuts. I allow everyone the right to worship God however they want and expect the same in return. So I don’t want you to think I’m a Bible thumper, I’m not. If you are that’s cool. I’m not opposed at all; I just am not as rigid as most. Anyway, here’s the true story of a pigeon named Walter:
The Story of Walter Pigeon
One cold, dreary, rainy fall day when I was picking my kids up from school I rescued an injured pigeon from a group of kids who had surrounded it and were yelling and kicking water in its face. I wrapped him in my coat and took him home. I put him in my dog crate in the garage with a blanket on the floor of it so he would stay warm. He was thin for a pigeon. His chest and under his wing was scraped up. He was freaked out too. I had never seen a pigeon’s eyes that big before!! I named him Walter. All winter he recuperated in the garage. I fed him, put Neosporin on his wounds and made sure he had plenty of water.
At the same time my second marriage was falling apart. My husband at the time had been in Narcotics Anonymous for 12 years and relapsed. He started using drugs again, they were prescription drugs but he was playing every doctor in Tulsa and abusing them. He turned into a monster and I was trying so hard to hold our marriage together because I loved the man he used to be. I was going to counseling to try to cope with it all. When I would get overwhelmed with everything, usually late at night, I would go sit on the steps inside the garage next to Walter and pet his head and talk to him about everything that was going wrong. He listened intently, probably because he had no choice, but I like to tell myself that he really cared about me since I had rescued him from the throng of kids. Anyway, over the months, Walter ate good and got nice and fat and happy. We became good friends. The counseling sessions had started to pay off for me and I was gaining confidence in myself. I took my focus off the passed out elephant in the bedroom that would rather sleep his life away than be a part of his family and put it on me and my kids. We had a life without him. I knew that if he did not get clean again it was over but I tried to hang on and give him a chance.
Eventually my kids and I decided that we would release Walter on the first day of spring. We were all excited. We took his cage to the porch and said our goodbyes. Then I opened the cage thinking Walter would come running out and fly away. To my amazement, he didn’t. He just sat there looking at me. I kept saying, “Your free Walter, you’re free, you can fly away now!!” He didn’t move. I sat there looking at him for a minute wondering why he didn’t want to leave. I finally reached in, picked him up and put him on the porch outside of his cage. He sat there for a minute and looked at the cage and then the sky as if he was trying to decide what to do. Finally, he took off! Wow! What a beautiful sight!! He flew around and around, swooping and diving. He came and landed on the eave of my house and looked at me as if to say thank you. Then he flew away. I never saw him again.
That night I sat out on the porch and watched the stars. I thought about my whole experience with Walter Pigeon. I believed then and still do today that God comes to me in many ways to get my attention especially through animals. I suspect He came to me through Walter. Here was this pigeon, the one bird that is considered the nastiest, most unwanted and outcast bird in our society. Much like me he was hurt and alone in the rain. I came along and rescued him, fed him, gave him a warm place to live and heal from the hard knocks of life just like God has done that for me countless times in many different ways. Then when he was well and could fly free he was afraid and did not move until the one person he trusted the most reached in and helped him out. Like Walter I have been in my own cage or prison, a self imposed one many times despite the fact that God has already opened the door. I still let fear consume me at times and stay in the cage because it is familiar and safe even if I am locked up. Yet, God loves me enough that He will always reach in and ever so gently coax me out of my cage and into the beautiful flight of freedom.
I realized that night that God had been trying to tell me all this time that no matter what I chose to do He loved me and would take care of me and my kids. I could stay married and in this sick crazy world with my husband who had no intention of getting clean again or I could fly free, it was my choice. It was as if the weight of the world fell off my shoulders that night. I felt free. It was another year before my marriage ended but I knew that I was not alone. Since then my ex-husband eventually died of a drug overdose. It’s sad and there are days I miss him. Yet, I am still free and flying!!
Many years have passed since then. My kids are grown and I have beautiful grandchildren. Yet, every time I see a pigeon I still think of one very special pigeon named Walter who taught me how to be free. Fly high and free Walter!!
Dec 25, 2010
What I Want for Christmas
by Andrea Tadpole
For too long
You’ve isolated
Locked me away
In the dark
Left with sorrow
And devastation
I grieve for what we’ve lost
What I want for Christmas
Cannot be bought
Only you can give
Your open heart
With Love’s pure light
Willing to let me in
And hold me close again
How I long
To see your smile
Hear your laugh
And dance with you ‘round the house
I hunger for your sweet caress
To taste your kiss
To feel our bodies
Join as one
As we fall together
In euphoric love and passion
To truly unite again
I long to hear
Your sweet words
I love you
You’re the one
My baby
My woman
By my side you’ll always be
And maybe someday my wife
But your silence
Is so loud
Its deafening
To my already broken ears
I am powerless to change things
Only you hold the key to your heart
You must be willing
To forgive
Start over
Love me again
And renew the fire within
For what it’s worth
I love you - Forever
You're my best friend
Just wish you’d let me back in
Till then
I'm left all alone
Waiting and watching
For some little sign or crumb
A ray of hope
For the Christmas present
That only you can give
For too long
You’ve isolated
Locked me away
In the dark
Left with sorrow
And devastation
I grieve for what we’ve lost
What I want for Christmas
Cannot be bought
Only you can give
Your open heart
With Love’s pure light
Willing to let me in
And hold me close again
How I long
To see your smile
Hear your laugh
And dance with you ‘round the house
I hunger for your sweet caress
To taste your kiss
To feel our bodies
Join as one
As we fall together
In euphoric love and passion
To truly unite again
I long to hear
Your sweet words
I love you
You’re the one
My baby
My woman
By my side you’ll always be
And maybe someday my wife
But your silence
Is so loud
Its deafening
To my already broken ears
I am powerless to change things
Only you hold the key to your heart
You must be willing
To forgive
Start over
Love me again
And renew the fire within
For what it’s worth
I love you - Forever
You're my best friend
Just wish you’d let me back in
Till then
I'm left all alone
Waiting and watching
For some little sign or crumb
A ray of hope
For the Christmas present
That only you can give
Dec 19, 2010
I Hate Watching Romantic Movies
by Andrea Tadpole
I hate watching romantic movies
They remind me of what I long for
Of what we use to have
That was lost long ago
The absence of passion
The ache within my heart
My yearn for reconnection
Your refusal to forgive
Be open and love once again
Yet here I sit all alone
Night after night
Day after endless day
Holding my breath
Waiting and watching
For any sign from you
Praying that you will let go
Of the resentment that consumes you
Like Berlin's wall
It separates us
Hoping you will start anew with me
To rekindle the fire that was once between us
And refuel the embers of love that still dimly glow
I long for your warm embrace
A tender kiss
A wink or smile
A gentle touch
But I am left with nothing
Your silence is deafening
Your stillness crushes me
Yet here I sit all alone
Night after night
Day after endless day
Paralyzed by the pain Thoughts of losing you create
Sent from my U.S. Cellular BlackBerry® smartphone
I hate watching romantic movies
They remind me of what I long for
Of what we use to have
That was lost long ago
The absence of passion
The ache within my heart
My yearn for reconnection
Your refusal to forgive
Be open and love once again
Yet here I sit all alone
Night after night
Day after endless day
Holding my breath
Waiting and watching
For any sign from you
Praying that you will let go
Of the resentment that consumes you
Like Berlin's wall
It separates us
Hoping you will start anew with me
To rekindle the fire that was once between us
And refuel the embers of love that still dimly glow
I long for your warm embrace
A tender kiss
A wink or smile
A gentle touch
But I am left with nothing
Your silence is deafening
Your stillness crushes me
Yet here I sit all alone
Night after night
Day after endless day
Paralyzed by the pain Thoughts of losing you create
Sent from my U.S. Cellular BlackBerry® smartphone
Dec 8, 2010
Ocean View
by Andrea Tadpole
If I could I'd build you
A mansion with an ocean view
And we'd have nothing to do
But walk on the beach
Gather shells
Have fun
And play in the sun
Time would be suspended
We'd have nowhere to run
Everything would be beautiful
Peaceful and true
There would be no sorrow
And no pain for you
And yet I understand
That there's a greater plan
Life isn't always perfect
There's not always an ocean view
So instead of playing in a fantasy world
I know what I'm to do
Teach you to live
In the real world
While keeping your heart pure
Just don't forget the view
The ocean
The shells
The joy and peace
That swells within your heart
When you stop for a moment
God's creation is beautiful
And yet we cannot see
Sometimes the forest
Because of all the trees
Life throws us curve balls
That crush our hearts
And make us think
There is no living
There is no art
When those times come
Remember that I’m with you
Walking every step
Along life's path
I’m with you in spirit
No matter where I am
See, I know love knows no bounds
I know that one doesn't have to be around
To feel them in my heart
And see them in my mind
Years from now
When my days are through
Do not fret
Take time once in a while
To go to the ocean
And enjoy the view
Think of me
And the shells that we gathered
For it is in the breeze
In the peace and quiet
That you'll find me
Remember all we did together
When I was here with you
Whether watching TV
Creating art or playing
Remember the joys
And the tears too
Don't forget to say
I love you to your children
Every night before you go to bed
The last thing you want
Swimming in their head
Is that their family loves them
Through the thick and thin
It’s true
If I go before you
And it's quite likely that I will
Just know that I'm in heaven
Waiting patiently on you
When you’re old and gray
And your time on earth is through
Come meet me in our mansion
We'll gather shells
And enjoy the ocean view
If I could I'd build you
A mansion with an ocean view
And we'd have nothing to do
But walk on the beach
Gather shells
Have fun
And play in the sun
Time would be suspended
We'd have nowhere to run
Everything would be beautiful
Peaceful and true
There would be no sorrow
And no pain for you
And yet I understand
That there's a greater plan
Life isn't always perfect
There's not always an ocean view
So instead of playing in a fantasy world
I know what I'm to do
Teach you to live
In the real world
While keeping your heart pure
Just don't forget the view
The ocean
The shells
The joy and peace
That swells within your heart
When you stop for a moment
God's creation is beautiful
And yet we cannot see
Sometimes the forest
Because of all the trees
Life throws us curve balls
That crush our hearts
And make us think
There is no living
There is no art
When those times come
Remember that I’m with you
Walking every step
Along life's path
I’m with you in spirit
No matter where I am
See, I know love knows no bounds
I know that one doesn't have to be around
To feel them in my heart
And see them in my mind
Years from now
When my days are through
Do not fret
Take time once in a while
To go to the ocean
And enjoy the view
Think of me
And the shells that we gathered
For it is in the breeze
In the peace and quiet
That you'll find me
Remember all we did together
When I was here with you
Whether watching TV
Creating art or playing
Remember the joys
And the tears too
Don't forget to say
I love you to your children
Every night before you go to bed
The last thing you want
Swimming in their head
Is that their family loves them
Through the thick and thin
It’s true
If I go before you
And it's quite likely that I will
Just know that I'm in heaven
Waiting patiently on you
When you’re old and gray
And your time on earth is through
Come meet me in our mansion
We'll gather shells
And enjoy the ocean view
My Little Kaylee Bug
by Andrea Tadpole
One day when I was adrift
Angels brought me
A beautiful gift
With dark hair
Bright eyes
And a shining smile
You toddled right into my life
And brought me joy from above
At first I approached you with hesitation
Because I already loved you so
And I was afraid you'd have to go
I withheld my affection for a time
And waited on the sidelines
While I watched you grow
Then on that first Gotcha Day
When you became ours for good
I could finally show the love
I had hidden in my heart so long
For you see
You've always been my granddaughter
From the moment our eyes first met
But on our Gotcha Day
You were mine forever
And I knew you'd never go away
No, never
I know God brought you
From heaven above
With your bubbly smile
And your big heart of love
So, when life is no longer amusing
When you feel sad and blue
When the road before you is confusing
And you haven't got a clue what to do
Hold on tight to Jesus
He'll always see you through
But most of all remember
Your GeGe is looking out for you
So today here I am
It's your 8th birthday
And we're celebrating your life
Happy Birthday
My Little Kaylee Bug
I love you forever
For I'm your GeGe
Don't you see
One day when I was adrift
Angels brought me
A beautiful gift
With dark hair
Bright eyes
And a shining smile
You toddled right into my life
And brought me joy from above
At first I approached you with hesitation
Because I already loved you so
And I was afraid you'd have to go
I withheld my affection for a time
And waited on the sidelines
While I watched you grow
Then on that first Gotcha Day
When you became ours for good
I could finally show the love
I had hidden in my heart so long
For you see
You've always been my granddaughter
From the moment our eyes first met
But on our Gotcha Day
You were mine forever
And I knew you'd never go away
No, never
I know God brought you
From heaven above
With your bubbly smile
And your big heart of love
So, when life is no longer amusing
When you feel sad and blue
When the road before you is confusing
And you haven't got a clue what to do
Hold on tight to Jesus
He'll always see you through
But most of all remember
Your GeGe is looking out for you
So today here I am
It's your 8th birthday
And we're celebrating your life
Happy Birthday
My Little Kaylee Bug
I love you forever
For I'm your GeGe
Don't you see
My Little Courtney
by Andrea Tadpole
Golden blonde hair
Piercing blue eyes
With a smile that illuminates
The darkest of skies
She's full of energy
Wise beyond her years
Has a plan of her own
And fast at switching gears
Never slowing down
Always on the go
Her momma's little baby
Though she rarely lets it show
She's my one girl fan club
Always greets me with a kiss
Her laughter is infectious
There's not a thing she'd miss
She loves her sisters dearly
Brings us all great joy
But you'd better be careful
Or she'll get you
If you take her toy
She's my little ray of sunshine
In this wild and crazy time
She's my hope for tomorrow
Peace for my weary mind
I will always love her
Forever she will be
My beautiful fireball
She's my little Courtney
Golden blonde hair
Piercing blue eyes
With a smile that illuminates
The darkest of skies
She's full of energy
Wise beyond her years
Has a plan of her own
And fast at switching gears
Never slowing down
Always on the go
Her momma's little baby
Though she rarely lets it show
She's my one girl fan club
Always greets me with a kiss
Her laughter is infectious
There's not a thing she'd miss
She loves her sisters dearly
Brings us all great joy
But you'd better be careful
Or she'll get you
If you take her toy
She's my little ray of sunshine
In this wild and crazy time
She's my hope for tomorrow
Peace for my weary mind
I will always love her
Forever she will be
My beautiful fireball
She's my little Courtney
Dec 7, 2010
My Little Destiny Jade
by Andrea Tadpole
From the moment I saw you
On the ultrasound
Deep inside your mother's womb
Turning and flipping like a little acrobat
I knew you
At that moment I knew
What a bright light you were going to be
Your spirit was so beautiful
I cannot explain it
I just knew you
I understood what God meant when He said
I knew you in your mother's womb
I am not saying I am God
But I know
I knew you
I knew you were a little girl
Even though you were too bashful to let us see
On the screen
Little did I know
How much more precious
You were going to be to me
Than you are now
When you were born
I saw you take your first breath
I saw your spirit come alive
Like a golden, bright light
That left me speechless
And in total awe for days
I watched everyone welcome you
Hug and hold you
The first few hours of your life
Yet you were so sacred to me
That I did not touch you
Because I was captivated by your beauty
Then in the stillness of the night
When your momma was sleeping
And no one else was around
I finally held you and quietly sang
This Little Light of Mine
As you slept peacefully in my arms
I knew for the first time
What an awesome gift and blessing
Being a grandmother was
I realized I was holding you
Our future generation
In my hands
I saw the purpose and responsibility
God had given me
And I accepted in gladly
As the years have gone on
I have watched you grow
I saw you take your first step
Heard your first words
Watched you learn and play
We have laughed and we have cried
I got to see your eyes fill with wonder
When you saw the ocean for the first time
A priceless gift your mother gave me
That is forever etched on my heart
You see
I understand that you really are
My Destiny
The things I teach you now
You will carry
To your children and grandchildren some day
You are a beautiful, beautiful light
As you go through life
Some people will try to snuff it out
DO NOT LET THEM
All these outside things
Whether you have a boyfriend
Whether you become a doctor
A housekeeper
A veterinarian
Whatever
Do not matter
They are important
But they are not who you are
They are what you do
Who you are is in your heart
And your heart is alive and pure
Don't let this old world steal that from you
I love you
I believe in you
I know how wonderful you are
Because I have seen your spirit shine
And I know your tender heart
For I have known you since the day I saw you
In your mother's womb
My love for you reaches
Across time and space
And it goes on forever
So when you are having a bad day
Or when you are in your 30s
And your kids are driving you crazy
When you're sitting in your car alone
And you think you're at the end of your rope
Or when you're old and gray
Do not forget
Your GeGe is there
Whether in person
Or ever present in spirit
I am there
You are my jewel
One of my beautiful treasures
I love you forever
My little Destiny Jade
From the moment I saw you
On the ultrasound
Deep inside your mother's womb
Turning and flipping like a little acrobat
I knew you
At that moment I knew
What a bright light you were going to be
Your spirit was so beautiful
I cannot explain it
I just knew you
I understood what God meant when He said
I knew you in your mother's womb
I am not saying I am God
But I know
I knew you
I knew you were a little girl
Even though you were too bashful to let us see
On the screen
Little did I know
How much more precious
You were going to be to me
Than you are now
When you were born
I saw you take your first breath
I saw your spirit come alive
Like a golden, bright light
That left me speechless
And in total awe for days
I watched everyone welcome you
Hug and hold you
The first few hours of your life
Yet you were so sacred to me
That I did not touch you
Because I was captivated by your beauty
Then in the stillness of the night
When your momma was sleeping
And no one else was around
I finally held you and quietly sang
This Little Light of Mine
As you slept peacefully in my arms
I knew for the first time
What an awesome gift and blessing
Being a grandmother was
I realized I was holding you
Our future generation
In my hands
I saw the purpose and responsibility
God had given me
And I accepted in gladly
As the years have gone on
I have watched you grow
I saw you take your first step
Heard your first words
Watched you learn and play
We have laughed and we have cried
I got to see your eyes fill with wonder
When you saw the ocean for the first time
A priceless gift your mother gave me
That is forever etched on my heart
You see
I understand that you really are
My Destiny
The things I teach you now
You will carry
To your children and grandchildren some day
You are a beautiful, beautiful light
As you go through life
Some people will try to snuff it out
DO NOT LET THEM
All these outside things
Whether you have a boyfriend
Whether you become a doctor
A housekeeper
A veterinarian
Whatever
Do not matter
They are important
But they are not who you are
They are what you do
Who you are is in your heart
And your heart is alive and pure
Don't let this old world steal that from you
I love you
I believe in you
I know how wonderful you are
Because I have seen your spirit shine
And I know your tender heart
For I have known you since the day I saw you
In your mother's womb
My love for you reaches
Across time and space
And it goes on forever
So when you are having a bad day
Or when you are in your 30s
And your kids are driving you crazy
When you're sitting in your car alone
And you think you're at the end of your rope
Or when you're old and gray
Do not forget
Your GeGe is there
Whether in person
Or ever present in spirit
I am there
You are my jewel
One of my beautiful treasures
I love you forever
My little Destiny Jade
Nov 28, 2010
I'm Not Taking the Fall
by Andrea Tadpole
Sitting here at a concert
Should be having fun
Yet all I wanna do is cry
The pain is so deep
I feel like my heart's gonna die
I know I did nothing wrong
Only offered love and support
Gave out of what I didn't have
Tried to show her a better way
Yet when she rebelled
Chose to live in hell
I could not reach her
She flew down so fast
It was too late
I know it's not my fault
I tried but couldn't stop her
Warned her
But she did not care
She rushed on into the darkness
Did it all by herself
To herself
Its over
I'm through
Now she has no one left to blame
But her own reflection in the mirror
It hurts to see her suffer but
I'm not taking the fall
For her insanity anymore
Sitting here at a concert
Should be having fun
Yet all I wanna do is cry
The pain is so deep
I feel like my heart's gonna die
I know I did nothing wrong
Only offered love and support
Gave out of what I didn't have
Tried to show her a better way
Yet when she rebelled
Chose to live in hell
I could not reach her
She flew down so fast
It was too late
I know it's not my fault
I tried but couldn't stop her
Warned her
But she did not care
She rushed on into the darkness
Did it all by herself
To herself
Its over
I'm through
Now she has no one left to blame
But her own reflection in the mirror
It hurts to see her suffer but
I'm not taking the fall
For her insanity anymore
Nov 25, 2010
Gratitude
by Andrea Tadpole
Gratitude is not all the flowery words we say
Or how good we look on the outside
It's found in the silent places
In the stillness of our hearts
It's seen in the small unnoticed things we do for those in need
It's in the art of listening
In shouldering someone's burdens without reward or accolades
True gratitude is not a nostalgic feeling we have when we look to our past
Its a choice we make to love the unloveable
Those we meet along God's path before us
Gratitude is an action
A response to the grace God has given us
And evidence of the miracle
He has wrought within our hearts
Gratitude is not all the flowery words we say
Or how good we look on the outside
It's found in the silent places
In the stillness of our hearts
It's seen in the small unnoticed things we do for those in need
It's in the art of listening
In shouldering someone's burdens without reward or accolades
True gratitude is not a nostalgic feeling we have when we look to our past
Its a choice we make to love the unloveable
Those we meet along God's path before us
Gratitude is an action
A response to the grace God has given us
And evidence of the miracle
He has wrought within our hearts
Nov 18, 2010
Watching the Incense Burn
by Andrea Tadpole
I sat still today for a moment
And watched the incense burn
I remembered
That God is with me
And I am not alone
He is there
In the silent places
In the seconds
Between each breath
Ever present
Always watching
And He will never forget
He does not expect perfection
Never withholds His affection
Offers His protection
If I'll only stop to ask
He's a cool drink of water
On a hot summers day
A gentle kiss
A smile
A wink
A nudge
So simple
That I miss it
Is His ever present love
Just when I think all hope gone
When I'm broken and forlorn
He wraps me in His loving arms
To shelter me from the storm
He's my peace amidst the chaos
Always there to keep me warm
He reminds me that He sees me
He's there to dry my tears
And even knows my deepest darkest fears
So when my life is crazy
When I cannot make it through
When the path is hazy
And I don't know what to do
I'll sit still for just a moment
And watch the incense burn
I'll remember He's always with me
And I am not alone
I sat still today for a moment
And watched the incense burn
I remembered
That God is with me
And I am not alone
He is there
In the silent places
In the seconds
Between each breath
Ever present
Always watching
And He will never forget
He does not expect perfection
Never withholds His affection
Offers His protection
If I'll only stop to ask
He's a cool drink of water
On a hot summers day
A gentle kiss
A smile
A wink
A nudge
So simple
That I miss it
Is His ever present love
Just when I think all hope gone
When I'm broken and forlorn
He wraps me in His loving arms
To shelter me from the storm
He's my peace amidst the chaos
Always there to keep me warm
He reminds me that He sees me
He's there to dry my tears
And even knows my deepest darkest fears
So when my life is crazy
When I cannot make it through
When the path is hazy
And I don't know what to do
I'll sit still for just a moment
And watch the incense burn
I'll remember He's always with me
And I am not alone
Nov 14, 2010
Why You Stopped Loving Me
by Andrea Tadpole
I don't understand what's happening now
My life's coming apart at the seams
I keep thinking things will get better someday
Yet I'm forced to let go of my dreams
I feel like dying
Cannot stop crying
Don't see an end to the pain
I've lost all hope
All I do is mope
I am at the end of my rope
Can't shake the sorrow
For fear of tomorrow
I know I'll screw up
And you'll leave
I love you dearly
But I can't see clearly
Why its is you stopped loving me
I don't understand what's happening now
My life's coming apart at the seams
I keep thinking things will get better someday
Yet I'm forced to let go of my dreams
I feel like dying
Cannot stop crying
Don't see an end to the pain
I've lost all hope
All I do is mope
I am at the end of my rope
Can't shake the sorrow
For fear of tomorrow
I know I'll screw up
And you'll leave
I love you dearly
But I can't see clearly
Why its is you stopped loving me
Nov 13, 2010
So Easily Forgotten
by Andrea Tadpole
I don't understand
Why I'm so easily forgotten
Tossed out the window
Like fruit that is rotten
I thought you loved me
Held me close in your heart
My name ever present
From your mind never part
Yet when I'm not in
Your line of sight
Your thoughts of me vanish
Deep into the night
We promised to set aside
Time and commit
To invest in our love
And never quit
I was excited
Thought it'd be nice
To reunite and be free
Have fun
And just be
Yet when our time came
I was left all alone
To wait and wonder
If you'd ever show
All I wanted was an act of contrition
Just some sign
That you were on a mission
To make up for the fact
That you had forgotten
Yet I was treated
Like a mere object
You made sure to take care of your need
But you never had one thought
Of me
You climbed on and climbed off
And five minutes later
You thought in your head
Now she's happy
Maybe I can get to bed
But your were wrong
Don't you see
For one pity fuck
Doesn't set you free
It doesn't mean
I've forgotten
I guess when I'm dead
And gone someday
You can cry on my grave
For how you threw me away
Like wadded up trash
So easily forgotten
Nov 8, 2010
Distance
by Andrea Tadpole
He slowly moves away from me
Like a boat drifting out to sea
I jump in to try and reach the line
It slips away
I swim faster trying to catch up
The water surrounds me
No land in sight
Only a distant lonely boat
Carrying my love away
Sorrow
Pain
Confusion
Why is he leaving
What happened to our love
Was it me
Did I hurt him
I must have failed somehow
How I long for his warm embrace
To see his smile
His kiss
Our dance
He is the love of my life
More to me than anything
Yet he keeps drifting away
My arms and legs are tired
My heart aches
The water pulls me down
It hurts so bad I cannot breathe
Without him I am nothing
I have no will to live
The darkness of the sea overtakes me
If there is no more us
I cease to be
He slowly moves away from me
Like a boat drifting out to sea
I jump in to try and reach the line
It slips away
I swim faster trying to catch up
The water surrounds me
No land in sight
Only a distant lonely boat
Carrying my love away
Sorrow
Pain
Confusion
Why is he leaving
What happened to our love
Was it me
Did I hurt him
I must have failed somehow
How I long for his warm embrace
To see his smile
His kiss
Our dance
He is the love of my life
More to me than anything
Yet he keeps drifting away
My arms and legs are tired
My heart aches
The water pulls me down
It hurts so bad I cannot breathe
Without him I am nothing
I have no will to live
The darkness of the sea overtakes me
If there is no more us
I cease to be
Nov 5, 2010
A Grandmother’s Lament
by Andrea Tadpole
NOTE:
I transcribed this on November 5, 2010 at 12:53am from a recording I found that I did on January 31, 2008 at about 1:45am after my grandson, Michael Aidyn Jude Zelsnack went to be with the Lord. I do not remember recording this and in the recording I was obviously completely emotionally distraught. The words are not edited in any way. They are raw, like the pain I felt that day. I hope you understand. ~Andrea~
Well, my little Mikey died today
I don’t even know what day it is
I think its like the 3oth, 29th, whatever
I’ll look on the calendar
Anyway, it’s 1:45 in the morning
It was actually yesterday
You know, I look at life some times
And I just don’t understand
I don’t
Everything’s just so fucked up
How do I tell Sedrick and Kiley to not lose hope
When they’re working so hard and being so good
And then everything bad happens
TO THEM
Their good people God
I got to find a place in my heart
To write about this little boy
I mess up and I get attached
I get attached so fast
Because I believe life begins at conception
And I believe that life is viable
The minute that little child is there and there’s a heartbeat
I don’t understand how people can say
That at this week or that week you’re not viable
I hate that fucking word
What does VIABLE mean anyways
How do you keep from losing hope
When everything looks so hopeless
How do you pick your foot up
And put it in front of you
And take the next step
When all your energy is gone
How do you smile
When your heart's broken in a million pieces
How do you have faith
When your faith hasn’t worked
There was this little boy named Mikey
I felt him kick once
I saw him in his mother’s womb
He moved around
He was lively
I saw a 3D ultrasound of him
And he looked just like his daddy
He did
How can he be alive one hour
And gone the next
How can you
How do you get past all the pain
I’m tired
I’m just so tired
I went today and I held my little Courtney
Cuz it gave me peace
I rocked her
And I listened to her snore
Cuz it gave me peace
I thought I would die when Zoey died
I watched her heart beating out of her chest
And I couldn’t make her live
Little Mikey didn’t even have a chance
I don’t know how to reconcile that in my mind
I don’t understand it
I don’t understand
I don’t have answers anymore
For anything
I’m broken hearted
I’m tired of going to see my grandchildren in a grave
When I should be the one in the grave
Not them
I can’t make anybody understand that
I don’t have any answers anymore
About anything
And I don’t even know if it matters
I gotta pick one foot up
And put it in front of the other
And keep moving
And I don’t know how
God I don’t know how
It’s like I’m playing the same song again
Only a different verse
And I can’t get out of it
God, this is just too hard
I don’t have no answers
And I hate it
Maybe I can find some words
Come on, think about it
Okay
I’m sitting here watching the minutes
Click on the clock
No, try again
Sitting in the cold silence
Watching the clock tick
Minute by minute goes by
Dreading this job
That I know I have to do
Holding the camera
Knowing that I have to take pictures
Of the birth of my stillborn grandson
Dreading it with all my heart
Begging God to let me switch places
Begging God to bring his heartbeat back
Begging God to make my son stop hurting
And my daughter-in-law okay and whole
And yet I have no choice
And I have no control
And I feel like my prayers bounce back
And smack me in the face
How do I go on
How do I surmount this mountain of pain once again
I tell myself that he’s in Heaven with Zoey playing
Up there somewhere
But what exactly does up there somewhere mean
I’m so confused in my mind
And grasping at straws desperately
Maybe if we did this
Maybe if we did that
Thumbed through the Bible
Trying to think of that verse that says
Whatever is perfect and pure
And all that
To focus on that
I don’t even know how
The only little grandson
I’ll probably ever have
I didn’t get to see him laugh
I didn’t get to feel him
Warm and cuddly next to me
Somehow being up there in Heaven
Just ain’t enough right now
And yet I find myself
Clicking the camera
One picture after another
Desperately hoping that it’s not what it is
Hoping that the nightmare ends
And yet it still keeps coming
There’s no way out of it
Except through
I know I’ll make it
I just don’t want to
I’m tired
I want the trouble to end
I just want to have peace
I just want my family to be healthy and whole
I want Kiley and Sedrick to be happy
They deserve another child
I don’t know
I just don’t have the answers
Now I hear in my mind
Put your trust in Jesus
Rest in Him
God knows every little sparrow that falls
I know all that stuff
But somehow it just ain’t enough right now
I don’t have the answers
I’m lost and I’m tired
I just need some rest
I hear in my mind
Let the dead bury the dead
I don’t know what that means
Cuz my little grandson
He was a part of me
And I don’t know how to get past the hurt
I don’t have a poem left in me
I just don’t know
Maybe poems don’t have to rhyme anymore
NOTE:
I transcribed this on November 5, 2010 at 12:53am from a recording I found that I did on January 31, 2008 at about 1:45am after my grandson, Michael Aidyn Jude Zelsnack went to be with the Lord. I do not remember recording this and in the recording I was obviously completely emotionally distraught. The words are not edited in any way. They are raw, like the pain I felt that day. I hope you understand. ~Andrea~
Well, my little Mikey died today
I don’t even know what day it is
I think its like the 3oth, 29th, whatever
I’ll look on the calendar
Anyway, it’s 1:45 in the morning
It was actually yesterday
You know, I look at life some times
And I just don’t understand
I don’t
Everything’s just so fucked up
How do I tell Sedrick and Kiley to not lose hope
When they’re working so hard and being so good
And then everything bad happens
TO THEM
Their good people God
I got to find a place in my heart
To write about this little boy
I mess up and I get attached
I get attached so fast
Because I believe life begins at conception
And I believe that life is viable
The minute that little child is there and there’s a heartbeat
I don’t understand how people can say
That at this week or that week you’re not viable
I hate that fucking word
What does VIABLE mean anyways
How do you keep from losing hope
When everything looks so hopeless
How do you pick your foot up
And put it in front of you
And take the next step
When all your energy is gone
How do you smile
When your heart's broken in a million pieces
How do you have faith
When your faith hasn’t worked
There was this little boy named Mikey
I felt him kick once
I saw him in his mother’s womb
He moved around
He was lively
I saw a 3D ultrasound of him
And he looked just like his daddy
He did
How can he be alive one hour
And gone the next
How can you
How do you get past all the pain
I’m tired
I’m just so tired
I went today and I held my little Courtney
Cuz it gave me peace
I rocked her
And I listened to her snore
Cuz it gave me peace
I thought I would die when Zoey died
I watched her heart beating out of her chest
And I couldn’t make her live
Little Mikey didn’t even have a chance
I don’t know how to reconcile that in my mind
I don’t understand it
I don’t understand
I don’t have answers anymore
For anything
I’m broken hearted
I’m tired of going to see my grandchildren in a grave
When I should be the one in the grave
Not them
I can’t make anybody understand that
I don’t have any answers anymore
About anything
And I don’t even know if it matters
I gotta pick one foot up
And put it in front of the other
And keep moving
And I don’t know how
God I don’t know how
It’s like I’m playing the same song again
Only a different verse
And I can’t get out of it
God, this is just too hard
I don’t have no answers
And I hate it
Maybe I can find some words
Come on, think about it
Okay
I’m sitting here watching the minutes
Click on the clock
No, try again
Sitting in the cold silence
Watching the clock tick
Minute by minute goes by
Dreading this job
That I know I have to do
Holding the camera
Knowing that I have to take pictures
Of the birth of my stillborn grandson
Dreading it with all my heart
Begging God to let me switch places
Begging God to bring his heartbeat back
Begging God to make my son stop hurting
And my daughter-in-law okay and whole
And yet I have no choice
And I have no control
And I feel like my prayers bounce back
And smack me in the face
How do I go on
How do I surmount this mountain of pain once again
I tell myself that he’s in Heaven with Zoey playing
Up there somewhere
But what exactly does up there somewhere mean
I’m so confused in my mind
And grasping at straws desperately
Maybe if we did this
Maybe if we did that
Thumbed through the Bible
Trying to think of that verse that says
Whatever is perfect and pure
And all that
To focus on that
I don’t even know how
The only little grandson
I’ll probably ever have
I didn’t get to see him laugh
I didn’t get to feel him
Warm and cuddly next to me
Somehow being up there in Heaven
Just ain’t enough right now
And yet I find myself
Clicking the camera
One picture after another
Desperately hoping that it’s not what it is
Hoping that the nightmare ends
And yet it still keeps coming
There’s no way out of it
Except through
I know I’ll make it
I just don’t want to
I’m tired
I want the trouble to end
I just want to have peace
I just want my family to be healthy and whole
I want Kiley and Sedrick to be happy
They deserve another child
I don’t know
I just don’t have the answers
Now I hear in my mind
Put your trust in Jesus
Rest in Him
God knows every little sparrow that falls
I know all that stuff
But somehow it just ain’t enough right now
I don’t have the answers
I’m lost and I’m tired
I just need some rest
I hear in my mind
Let the dead bury the dead
I don’t know what that means
Cuz my little grandson
He was a part of me
And I don’t know how to get past the hurt
I don’t have a poem left in me
I just don’t know
Maybe poems don’t have to rhyme anymore
Jul 12, 2010
Sitting Here
by Andrea Tadpole
Sitting here
Twisting, grinding in my mind
Trying to determine
Where to go and what to do
Paralyzed by fear
Without even a clue
Sorrow overwhelms me
It seems my life is through
Once I was an optimist
The skies were always blue
Now I am a pessimist
I just don't know what's true
I try to do the right thing
I love deeply
Give my all
To those that are around me
Never blowing my own horn
Yet when my feet falter
When I’m feeble and forlorn
There's no one there to help
Or even catch me when I fall
I have no motivation
No passion left within
My heart is hammered dog meat
Disillusionment my best friend
I'm empty and broken
Often wishing for the end
Then for a brief moment
I stop my mind and search
For someone who really loves me
Just for me
The way I am
Suddenly my little Destiny's face
Appears inside my mind
Her ornery smile
Her flashing eyes
Her laughter that fills air
In a brief second of eternity
I find a flimsy reed to which I cling
It keeps my head above the waves
Till I reach the shore again
See, it’s in the hearts of children
That grandparents are found
They live forever in their memories
For that's where love abounds
Finally I dry my eyes
Get up and start anew
I remember that my purpose
Lies in planting seeds
In the hearts of my grandchildren
And there's much work left to do
Sitting here
Twisting, grinding in my mind
Trying to determine
Where to go and what to do
Paralyzed by fear
Without even a clue
Sorrow overwhelms me
It seems my life is through
Once I was an optimist
The skies were always blue
Now I am a pessimist
I just don't know what's true
I try to do the right thing
I love deeply
Give my all
To those that are around me
Never blowing my own horn
Yet when my feet falter
When I’m feeble and forlorn
There's no one there to help
Or even catch me when I fall
I have no motivation
No passion left within
My heart is hammered dog meat
Disillusionment my best friend
I'm empty and broken
Often wishing for the end
Then for a brief moment
I stop my mind and search
For someone who really loves me
Just for me
The way I am
Suddenly my little Destiny's face
Appears inside my mind
Her ornery smile
Her flashing eyes
Her laughter that fills air
In a brief second of eternity
I find a flimsy reed to which I cling
It keeps my head above the waves
Till I reach the shore again
See, it’s in the hearts of children
That grandparents are found
They live forever in their memories
For that's where love abounds
Finally I dry my eyes
Get up and start anew
I remember that my purpose
Lies in planting seeds
In the hearts of my grandchildren
And there's much work left to do
Jun 11, 2010
I'm Tired
by Andrea Tadpole
I'm tired of doing the right thing
Yet being blamed for all that's wrong
I'm tired of loving deeply
But getting nothing in return
I'm tired of the drama
I'm tired of all the noise
I'm tired of angry stares
And the silent, deafening scorn
My heart is so depleted
I'm so sick and forlorn
Somehow simple kindness eludes me
Those about me do not care
They don't mind constantly taking
Yet they forget to share
I'm tired, so tired
Don't know why I even care
I'm tired of doing the right thing
Yet being blamed for all that's wrong
I'm tired of loving deeply
But getting nothing in return
I'm tired of the drama
I'm tired of all the noise
I'm tired of angry stares
And the silent, deafening scorn
My heart is so depleted
I'm so sick and forlorn
Somehow simple kindness eludes me
Those about me do not care
They don't mind constantly taking
Yet they forget to share
I'm tired, so tired
Don't know why I even care
Traffic Jam
by Andrea Tadpole
Stuck in the traffic jam of life
Going nowhere fast
The juggernaut so far up the road
Don't know what's slowing me down
All I see is an ocean of tail lights
Cars so thick it suffocates me
I'm so tired
Just wanna sprout wings
Rise above the chaos
And go home
Yet I've been sittin' in this jam so long
I've forgotten where I belong
Stuck in the traffic jam of life
Going nowhere fast
The juggernaut so far up the road
Don't know what's slowing me down
All I see is an ocean of tail lights
Cars so thick it suffocates me
I'm so tired
Just wanna sprout wings
Rise above the chaos
And go home
Yet I've been sittin' in this jam so long
I've forgotten where I belong
May 29, 2010
Rantings of a Hearing Impaired Person...
by Andrea Tadpole
I have severe hearing loss in my left ear and moderate in my right. I have a voice because I didn’t lose my hearing until I was in my 20s. I don’t sign, I read lips. When I was 24 I had surgery on my left ear to fix it and it went bad. I lost even more hearing in it. From 23 years ago when I woke up from surgery until today my left ear has rang 24/7 sometimes so loud I cannot hear or understand anything, much less hear my own voice. My heart has beat in my ears really loud most of the time all my life because the artery that runs in my neck is unusually close to my middle ear. Surgery to fix it would kill me. I usually don't gripe about it, I just try to do the best I can to live with it.
Yet, today, I am complaining. I am sick and tired of people expecting me to be able to hear like a “normal” person. I CANNOT MAKE MYSELF hear any better than I do. If I could I would. I cannot help it that I cannot hear MY OWN VOICE very good at times. I cannot explain why one minute I can sit and talk to someone and the next I can't understand a word they are saying because the background noise drowns everything out. It’s not personal; I have hearing loss that's all. Hearing aids don't make me hear "normal" they make me hear EVERYTHING and my brain doesn't know how to filter sounds anymore. Sometimes the “NOISE” from wearing hearing aids overwhelms me to the point that I can’t think. Is that my fault? Is it something that gives you the right to be pissed off at me about it? I can't fix it. I can only live with it.
When the one's I love get mad at me and give me the silent treatment because I couldn't understand or spoke too loud or whatever it is that I did that day to "embarrass" them again because I can't hear it breaks my heart. My heart is broken today.
DO NOT EVEN TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND if you CAN HEAR because YOU DON'T. Try walking in my shoes before you are so quick to kick me when I'm down. Try a little bit of compassion for me instead of shutting me out. IT HURTS.
I have severe hearing loss in my left ear and moderate in my right. I have a voice because I didn’t lose my hearing until I was in my 20s. I don’t sign, I read lips. When I was 24 I had surgery on my left ear to fix it and it went bad. I lost even more hearing in it. From 23 years ago when I woke up from surgery until today my left ear has rang 24/7 sometimes so loud I cannot hear or understand anything, much less hear my own voice. My heart has beat in my ears really loud most of the time all my life because the artery that runs in my neck is unusually close to my middle ear. Surgery to fix it would kill me. I usually don't gripe about it, I just try to do the best I can to live with it.
Yet, today, I am complaining. I am sick and tired of people expecting me to be able to hear like a “normal” person. I CANNOT MAKE MYSELF hear any better than I do. If I could I would. I cannot help it that I cannot hear MY OWN VOICE very good at times. I cannot explain why one minute I can sit and talk to someone and the next I can't understand a word they are saying because the background noise drowns everything out. It’s not personal; I have hearing loss that's all. Hearing aids don't make me hear "normal" they make me hear EVERYTHING and my brain doesn't know how to filter sounds anymore. Sometimes the “NOISE” from wearing hearing aids overwhelms me to the point that I can’t think. Is that my fault? Is it something that gives you the right to be pissed off at me about it? I can't fix it. I can only live with it.
When the one's I love get mad at me and give me the silent treatment because I couldn't understand or spoke too loud or whatever it is that I did that day to "embarrass" them again because I can't hear it breaks my heart. My heart is broken today.
DO NOT EVEN TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND if you CAN HEAR because YOU DON'T. Try walking in my shoes before you are so quick to kick me when I'm down. Try a little bit of compassion for me instead of shutting me out. IT HURTS.
May 16, 2010
Focus
by Andrea Tadpole
I'm tired of being criticized
My faults magnified
Scrutinized
I'm told how to act
What to say
How to stand
When to breathe
And if I'm not perfect
You threaten to leave
My heart is broken
I can't see an end
To the pain that surrounds me
Just want to be free
From the angry eyes
And stupid lies
I'm not perfect
Never promised I'd be
Just wish you would focus on the good in me
I'm tired of being criticized
My faults magnified
Scrutinized
I'm told how to act
What to say
How to stand
When to breathe
And if I'm not perfect
You threaten to leave
My heart is broken
I can't see an end
To the pain that surrounds me
Just want to be free
From the angry eyes
And stupid lies
I'm not perfect
Never promised I'd be
Just wish you would focus on the good in me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)