Musings of A Tadpole

I don’t see myself as poet or author. I’m just a woman who finds solace in the process of writing. It’s a spiritual journey. When I write I feel like I am sitting with God. Some of the content might be offensive; it’s not directed at anyone. I put my raw feelings down and sometimes it’s not pretty. Life isn't always wrapped in a beautiful package. I have learned to deal with this by writing. I hope these words speak to your heart as they have mine! ~Andrea~

Nov 10, 2020

For My Daddy on Veterans Day 2020

I am reposting this for my daddy Elmer Tadpole Jr for Veteran's Day tomorrow. He probably won't read it because he never logs in to Facebook, but that's ok. He knows how I feel. I wrote this a long time ago and have been able to add more notches to his walking stick since then. He's one of my best friends today. He served in the Navy on the USS Hornet. I am very proud of him. I love you daddy!!

The Walking Stick

by Andrea Tadpole

Written Christmas 1999 for my Dad

Dear Dad,

I have been thinking about what I wanted to write you for a long while now. The present I bought you is more symbolic than anything else, however I hope you use it all the time.

My mind is flipping from scene to scene; each scene is a memory from my childhood. Remember all the car wrecks I had and the knock-down-drag-outs and yelling matches we had when I was a teenager? How could you forget, right? Then there are other memories, the ones I hold the very closest to my heart, the ones I wouldn't sell for a million dollars. One is of when we lived in Okmulgee. It was Christmas time and you bought me some kind of thing that we made cars with. You and I would sit for what seemed like hours and pull these cars along an assembly line as we built them. Another was of me in great anticipation of your return from your business trips, wondering what charm for my bracelet you would bring me this time. Probably the fondest memory of all is the night you took me out on a "date". I think I was probably ten or so. I remember I dressed up real pretty and mom did my hair. You took me to Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips. I felt like the luckiest little girl in the world. Do you remember remodeling the house on West Eighth Street? We put the paneling up in the den and redid the plumbing. I had so much fun with you then. I remember when you walked me down the aisle the first time. I was seventeen, terrified and excited all at once. You looked so handsome in your tuxedo. I remember being so totally captivated by you. You were always my hero, even when I was a teenager and too damn stubborn to admit it, you were my hero.

I have other memories too. These are of me as a woman. You were there for me when no one else wanted to be when I went to treatment. You helped me take care of the kids when I was in college. Another memory is that of when for about a year or so I refused to talk to you. I remember you told me that when I was ready to talk to call. The only regret I have is that it took me so long to get ready. I remember the night I finally called and we talked for at least a couple of hours. You told me you could not change the past, you could only start right where we were and try to make it better. I will forever cherish every time you have given me my sobriety birthday chip in AA. I will especially remember this past year, my thirteenth birthday sober. Every word you said about me is forever etched on my heart. I'm still captivated by you and you are still my hero, you always will be. Someplace deep down inside of me I will always be your "little girl".

So, I said all of that to tell you this story. I heard a preacher teach about the symbolism of Moses and his rod or staff (I call it a walking stick) in the Bible. In Biblical times, a man took his walking stick with him wherever he went. It was a permanent part of him. Since he did not have photographs and most people could not read or write he would log his memories on his walking stick. Each time a significant event occurred, be would cut a notch in his walking stick. So, one could say that a man's walking stick represented his life. A man was married ... add a notch; his father died ... add a notch; his son was born ... add a notch; and so on.

When God told Moses to drop his walking stick before Him, He was really asking Moses to surrender his life to Him. When I heard about this, I started thinking about all the notches in your walking stick. I knew I had to get you one. When I was at the mall, I found one. It was tucked away in the back of the rack and it wasn't quite as pretty as all the other ones. It looked a little banged up and bad knotholes or "notches" all over it. It reminded me of our lives together - a little banged up and rough around the edges - yet strong enough to withstand the test of time. It was perfect!

So you see, my dear daddy, every time you look at this walking stick and you see the notches, pick one out and think of me, your "little Andy". Call to mind a memory. Remember both the pleasant and painful. I believe that we would not be where we are today without going through it all ... good and bad. Most of all remember the day I gave you this gift. Remember that I love you more than I know how to show and never forget that you're still my hero and always will be.

Your Loving Daughter,

Andrea

Nov 5, 2020

My Response to a Post About the End Times

By Andrea Tadpole-Brousssrd

I was forced as a kid to attend numerous Bible studies on Revelations and the end times. It caused me to live in fear. As a young mother I remember when they started putting bar codes on groceries and scanning them. Everyone screamed that's the mark of the beast! I prayed one night about this hard because I was taught if you accepted "the mark" you were damned to hell. That never made sense to me. If God is all loving and we are His creation why would He set us up to rot in hell? So, like I said, I prayed hard about this. I told God I would be a liar if I said I would never take a mark to feed my family, because I would. Its not that I hate God, but I love my family and have to care for them. I experienced a peace about it like never before. I heard God say in my spirit, "I know. Its ok. Do what you have to do to survive and I will protect you. Nothing can keep me from loving you. I judge your heart, not whether you take a mark or not. Trust me, I'm in control." After that, I just do not worry about it anymore. So there's my 2 cents worth on it. Have a good night!

Nov 3, 2020

Prayer for My Baby Girl

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

I was blessed with this beautiful little girl when I was still a very young woman myself. I named her Alicia Dawn. I had her first name picked out since I was 14 years old. I named her after a younger cousin of mine who I babysat for. I was named after her mom and I thought it would be neat to carry on the tradition. Her middle name came from the fact that she was born at the crack of dawn. So, here I was 21 years old with her and her big brother. I had so much growing up to do. We went through alot together throughout our lives. We have clashed horns, screamed, yelled and cried. Yet we have always found our way back to eachother.

I always called her my "Sweet Alicia". We took a twisty-windy road to finally bonding with eachother. Yet, today she is my best friend. She has no idea how proud I am of her. I see her today and I think of that tiny little baby and how absolutely beautiful she is inside and out and I am humbled to think that God let me be her mom.

Tonight my heart is heavy because my Sweet Alicia is facing something pretty scary and I cannot be right next to her to protect her like the momma bear inside me wants to. I will not put details out here. I just need all my friends who pray to join in prayer and agreement, so please, just stop for a minute and pray with me...

Father God,

Right now I come to you and I lift my beautiful, Sweet Alicia up to you. Lord you know the thing she is facing right now. Lord, I know that you are our Jehovah Rapha, the God who heals. You said in your word to call the things that are not as though they are, so Father I call Alicia healthy and whole. No weapons formed against her shall prosper. Lord give her and all of us around her the peace that passes all understanding. Let us all know to very depths of our spirits that you have Alicia in your hands and she is going to be ok. Lord Jesus, I pray from depths of all that I am that in my absence from her side right now that you bring other angels in human form to help my baby girl with whatever she needs. Bless her coming and going. Father I know that all of Heaven is praying for her too. I also know that the prayers of a mother are the strongest and live on forever. Tonight I am storming the gates of Heaven with prayer for my baby girl. Please wrap Alicia in your arms for me and let her know how much I love her. Please hear our prayers.

In the mighty name of Jesus.

Amen and amen!!

Sep 23, 2020

Destiny

I love all my grandchildren the same, I just love each of them in a different way. My grandmother always told us that and I understand it more every day.

Destiny is my oldest granddaughter and she started me down the path of being a grandmother. I have been blessed to be a part of her journey through life since she took her first breath. She and I laugh together, argue with eachother and cry together, sometimes all in one day. Yesterday was one of those days and it ended in us holding eachother and crying after Reggie died. Destiny rarely says the words "I love you" to those she loves the deepest, me included. Yet, she always does something out of the blue that screams, "I LOVE YOU" loud and clear. Last night was one of those times. After we got home from the vet she went to the store. When she came back she gave me a container of my favorite ice cream, some reese's peanut butter candy and a little necklace with an "R" on it for Reggie. It's not about the cost, it's about how precious the thought that went into her gift.

I am so amazed at Destiny's beautiful heart. She has grown into such an awesome young woman. She makes me proud. I love Destiny Zelsnack and I know you love me too even if you don't say it. ❤❤❤

Aug 11, 2020

Pocket Notebook in My Heart

I wrote this for a friend whose going through a hard time. I hope it helps you too! ❤

Here goes...

Pocket Notebook in My Heart

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

When my granddaughter died I could not save her. I pleaded with God to take me and not her. When my other grandson died a couple of years later I could not save him either and God did not let me switch places. I am the caretaker in my family. I am the oldest and the one who is supposed to be able to fix it all. Well, at least that is what I tell myself.

The two most difficult losses I have ever endured were my grandkids. What I learned from this is that I am not God and I cannot choose who lives or dies, be it a person or an animal. By the way, in my world I see animals as people too, just in different forms. So, I understand the sorrow of not being able to save them all. I am going to try to explain to you how I deal with things that are what I call unanswerable questions, like why did my grandkids die, why could I not save all those puppies or birds (I am bird person), etc.?

I have been a sober member of AA for 30+ years. When I first got sober I had a sponsor who walked me through the 12 steps. In one part of it, the challenge was to develop a relationship with your Higher Power. I have always called mine God for lack of a better term. Anyway, one of the hardest things I went through in my early sobriety was the death of my grandmother. She died of cancer and fought a long, ugly, horrid fight to try to survive because she loved us all so much. After she died I was talking about her death and how it related to God with my sponsor. I kept saying WHY? I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY?!

My sponsor gave me a tool to use visually in my mind. Being an artist, those kinds of things work real well for me. She said to imagine that I have a small pocket like one on the chest of your shirt, only this pocket is deep inside my heart. Inside this pocket is a small spiral flip notepad and pen. Written across the cover in huge, bold, black sharpie marker is the word WHY. Inside this notebook is all the questions about things in my life that cannot be answered on this earth. The answer will have to come from God.

She said every time something happens that there is no rhyme or reason to, no phathomable way to explain it, to open up my notebook and write it there. Some day when I die and I am standing before my Creator, Higher Power, God or whatever his name turns out to be, then I can pull my notebook out and tell him we need to talk. Believe me, I have many questions. One is why did my grandkids die? Why did He not take me instead? Why was I sexually abused as a child? Why did that one beautiful black kitten I had when I was in my 20s die? I tried so hard to save him. Why did my ex commit suicide? The list goes on and on ad nauseam.

Every time the questions and thoughts start dragging me down I pull my notebook out of my heart and in my mind's eye I read the questions and remind myself that some day I will get an answer when I am at the throne of God. For now, let it go, move on and trust God. Then I say a prayer and get up and do the next right thing in front of me, be it washing the dishes, calling a friend, working on a painting, playing with my grandkids, etc. I just keep doing the next right thing and get out of myself. After awhile I realize the doldrums have not overtaken me and I breathe again.

I suspect some day when I am at God's throne I will no longer need my pocket notebook. All my questions will be answered in the blink of an eye. Till then, I will keep it tucked safely and deeply inside my heart.

Jul 23, 2020

My Journey with Hearing Loss

I have written this for my Facebook friend Kat.

Kat,

Let me apologize right now for the long diatribe I have written. Please, just take some time and read my words. I am not one to put on any airs, I am just being me so excuse my blunt language. These words come from decades of experience and a heart of compassion for you and what you are going through. They are written just for you. Here goes! ❤

My Journey with Hearing Loss

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

I have dealt with hearing loss since I was 24 years old. I am 57 now...33 years I have been dealing with it. I am not going to lie, when I realized I had lost my hearing it was scary as fuck! I lost my hearing due in part to it being hereditary. My mom and grandma had hearing loss. My hearing loss was gradual at first and I naturally and unconsciously compensated by reading lips, but I did not know it. I just thought I did not pay good enough attention when someone was talking and that was why I said huh or what a lot when I could not see someone talking. I did not realize it at the time though. I guess I just adapted the best I could over the years. Never in a million years would I have thought I could not hear!

Then when I got sober and started college a professor told me to get my hearing checked. He thought I might have hearing loss. Long story short, I saw an ENT doctor. He was the one who made me realize I read lips. He did surgery on my left ear, the one with the worst loss. He promised that I would be able to hear again. The surgery went bad, my eardrum fell apart when he started the surgery and a 2 hour surgery turned into 8 hours! When I woke up I had the most HORRIBLE RINGING in my left ear, so loud it drowned everything else out. It has been like that ever since. I went from moderate loss in my left ear to severe to profound loss. I have moderate loss in my right.

Ear surgery left me with horrible vertigo for several weeks to the point I had chairs stationed all over my house so I could sit after a few steps before blacking out. It was a nightmare! I had a 3 and 5 year old I was raising in the middle of all this. I had the surgery done during Spring break and was determined to not miss class. So, I literally hopped from chair to chair to my car every morning. As long as I was not walking I was okay so I could drive to school.

A classmate would meet me at my car with a lawn chair and unfold it so I could sit down every few steps all the way in to class. To this day I do not know why I never thought to get a wheelchair. I can laugh today about it. I am sure I was a crazy sight to see! I just kept thinking I cannot let this get me down no matter how scared I was inside. It took several weeks for the vertigo to subside. However, I still have a slight balance issue. It feels like I have been walking with one shoe on and one shoe off for a little while, I am always just a little off kilter. It has become my "normal" over the years. It is what it is.

I did get hearing aids in both ears after I recovered from surgery and it helped me communicate. I have worn them every day ever since, but it is not at all like having real hearing. Most people think you just slap hearing aids in your ears and the world is back to normal. Oh no...NOT TRUE!

The first time I wore my hearing aids my audiologist told me if I did not know what the sound was so go find it. I went straight to my regular AA meeting and I kept hearing this weird noise. It was over by the coffee pot...this was back in the days of percolators, way before Keurig. I got up during the meeting because the noise was driving me crazy. Here I am about to crawl under the table where coffee pot is and a friend came up and asked me if I was ok. I asked what the rhythmic noise was. He said the coffee pot! I had never heard it before!! It blew my mind. I also never knew a skirt hitting the back of your legs makes noise. It took me forever to figure that one out. I have a plethora of stories about noises I never knew of.

Honestly, today I give myself what I call "noise free" time once in awhile and leave my hearing aids out. Sometimes my brain just needs a rest. It takes my brain alot more effort to hear and translate sounds than it does a normal person. People with normal hearing take it all for granted.

The world and alot of people in it can be very cruel, especially when someone has a disability that is invisible. Hearing loss is invisible. What makes it even more difficult for me is that I speak real good because I did not lose my hearing till my young adulthood. People accuse me all the time of lying about my hearing impairment. They say stupid crap like, "You have selective hearing. You only hear what you want to hear." What is even worse is when I explain that I am hearing impaired and read lips so please look at me when you talk and keep your hands away from your mouth people act stupid. They either talk real slow as if I have a mental problem or yell real loud. Neither of those work. What really pisses me off is when someone tries to "test" my hearing in case I am faking.

Oh, and do not get me started on the nightmare hell of masks now! You would think I asked a cashier if I could infect them with COVID19 when I asked them to either pull down their mask for a minute so I can read their lips or please write what their saying. I swear the only reason I do not bitch slap this one cashier for rolling her eyes at me is because I do not want to go to jail!

While I am talking about dislikes, I HATE SCOOTERS! I cannot hear them! Most people who operate them are idiots anyway. I have been run over by them, caused them to wreck...it is so bad downtown I just do not go there anymore. Bicycle riders aka Lance Armstrong wannabes have ruined walks on the river for me too and for the same reason. I CANNOT HEAR THEM! I stopped going there too. I just got tired of having people scream, "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you deaf are something?!" Yeah...I am.

Now that I have spewed all the negativity let me tell you this. Just because I live with hearing loss every day, that does not mean I have stopped living. My hearing loss has made me more in tune with those I love. I remember thinking I was not going to be able to be a good mom to my son and daughter after my surgery. I thought I would never be able to complete college or work. I had a million different fears going on. Yet, God kept bringing angels across my path.

My family loved me regardless and found a way through it all with me. I was so worried I would not hear my children in the middle of the night if they needed me. Yet, the mother heart in me was always there and woke me up. My kids came out ok and now they have their own children. And yes, other than motherhood, being a grandmother is one of the most awesome things in my life!!

My AA sponsor told me when I lost my hearing, "Andrea, we are all on this journey together. We are all on this same path. Some of us are a couple of steps ahead, others way ahead and still others a few steps behind. We all a have light. Some lights are bigger, some lights are smaller. Right now you have a pen light, I have a small flash light, my sponsor has a big lantern flashlight and the newcomer behind you has a match that is about to burn out. We all have to reach for eachother and share our lights and help eachother stay on the path. That is part of paying forward. If we do that we can all get to the One Light together." I have never forgotten her words. Here I was a newly sober, scared, crazy deaf girl. Yet, anytime I was afraid she would grab my hand and shine her brighter light for me and help me keep walking on the path.

Over the years I have accomplished a lot of things that I never thought I would without my hearing. I finally went back to college. I went to TU and did my undergraduate in Fine Art. One of the requirements was to take a foreign language for a year. My advisor tried to force me to take ASL because she did not think I could learn any other language due to my hearing loss. I demanded that I be allowed to take Spanish. I passed it with flying colors just because she said I could not do it! I graduated summa cum laude with a 4.0 GPA in 2005. I also got my MBA from AIU in 2009 with a 4.0 GPA. I am not telling you this to brag. Degrees do not impress me. I am telling you this to try to make you understand that hearing loss may feel like the end of the world to you right now but it is not. God has a plan and He will carry you through.

Before I forget....MUSIC! I love music! I also love to dance and I hide in the shower and sing! I figured something out a few years ago. I had gotten a new pair of hearing aids and they had a customized setting for music. I went to this bar in the Pearl District the first night I had them on and stood right in front of the stage and heard a band called Cosmosis! It was like a holy, spiritual experience for me!! I wish I could have that time back.and I sure wish the guitarist Matt was still with us today. I got the courage to dance there and would watch the drummer to keep the beat. Just another bit of joy I got back that I never thought I would have again because of hearing loss.

I shared all this to try to tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! In a perfect world, I hope and pray your hearing comes back. If does not happen, it might feel like the end of the world but it is not. There is hope!

You may only have a pen light on this hearing loss path but I have a flashlight and there are others with even bigger lights ahead of me. I am not pushy person. I do not force myself in someone's life or circle. However, I am here for you. I am a text away. I just PM'd you my cell number. You need a friend, I am here and I will walk the path with you. You are in my heart and prayers.

In His Grip,

Andrea

Jul 8, 2020

Piece of Paper in My Pocket

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

7/8/20

When I came to AA if the words "as we understood Him" weren't in How It Works I would have walked out the door and put a bullet in my head. I know that sounds harsh but me and God didn't get along. I had religion crammed down my throat my whole life and I hated God and anything to do with Him.

However, I quickly learned that I could have MY OWN conception of God. My sponsor said if I could have any Higher Power what would his/her attributes be? She had me write them down. I wrote down all loving, all caring and all forgiving. She had me carry this paper around with me wherever I went. Every morning, night and when I was having a hard time I pulled this paper out and started my prayer with God you are all loving, all caring and all forgiving. Then I would pray. At first it felt stupid to do that but after awhile I started to feel in my heart that my own conception of God that I wrote on my paper was real. I actually stayed sober!

Over the years I studied all kinds of religions, read books, tried all kinds of spiritual practices in order to seek God. Today, I have a God who I know loved me just as much when I was face down in my puke drunk as He does now with 34 years sober. God loves me because of who He is, not because of what I have or haven't done. I trust God and love Him today. It all started with that piece of paper in my pocket.

It works if you work it. 💜

Jun 30, 2020

ENOUGH!!

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

6/30/20

The one word that keeps resonating in my heart right now is ENOUGH!! Look at what all the division and hatred in this world from ALL sides has caused. ENOUGH!!

LIVES MATTER!!

LIFE MATTERS!!

Today, my heart hurts for the policeman who died today, the one still fighting for his life in the hospital and even more so, the ones still out there protecting us today. Some of these officers are my friends. They are not racist or bad people. They just have a passion for serving and protecting us. Something I often take for granted.

My heart is also aching for my home, my Tulsa, the city I was born in and have lived my whole life. We are not perfect but come on Tulsa, STOP THE HATRED! STOP THE DIVISION! ENOUGH!!!

Instead of feeding the monster of hate in our homes, communities and country please pull together in unity and LOVE! ENOUGH!!

Rest In Power Sargent Craig Johnson 🙏😭🙏😭🙏

Jun 27, 2020

Happy 80th Birthday Daddy ❤

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

6/27/20

I wrote this for my Facebook today.

This handsome young man is my daddy. He doesn't get on Facebook much anymore but I'm still going to say this....

HAPPY 80TH BIRTHDAY

I love you daddy!!

Here are a few things I wrote for him a long time ago:

"Father's Day Letter 1987".

http://atadpole.blogspot.com/2014/02/father-day-letter-1987.html

"The Walking Stick".

http://atadpole.blogspot.com/2010/05/walking-stick.html

"For My Daddy".

http://atadpole.blogspot.com/2012/04/for-my-daddy.html

"Daddy-Daughter Date ".

http://atadpole.blogspot.com/2020/01/daddy-daughter-date.html

I love you daddy!! ❤

Jun 25, 2020

Erasing History

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

6/25/20

Someone posted this question on Facebook in reference to the recent destruction of historical civil war monuments:

If someone kidnapped your child and sold them, where would you want us to put the statue of that person?

Here is my answer:

I would want them displayed right along side the statues of the ones who inailated my Native American ancestors. Especially the ones who forced my Cherokee tribe to walk the Trail of Tears. I have ancestors who actually died on that walk. Yet, we do not hear anything about the value of their lives and the way they were exterminated.

I just read an article today about Irish slave trade in the early US. I was stunned. I never knew that Irish people were slaves. I also have Irish heritage. I have never heard Irish people protest about it. Was the history erased? It makes me wonder if some of my Irish ancestors were slaves here. I also read that there were also Oriental slaves. So, where does it end?

Frankly, I would rather have a National place where these relics from all cultures, wars and time periods could be displayed with THE WHOLE TRUTH about who these people were and the atrocities they committed. Kinda like the Holocaust Museum?

We are doomed to repeat the atrocities of our past if we refuse to look at them and try to erase them. I think it is better to embrace them, learn from them and change our future.

Jun 19, 2020

Dear Polly

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

Introduction

I have a very close friend of several years named Polly. She is the best friend I've ever had. She is in a longterm care facility right now. I get to talk to her on the every few days but she's not right in her mind, her memory is messed up and thoughts are disconnected. She knows who I am and that I am her best friend, but does not remember details. I just know in my heart that some day she will come back and call me out if the blue and be her old self again. So, I was thinking I am going to start a diary about my journey with her, instead of calling it Dear Diary I am calling it Dear Polly. Some day when she comes back I will give it to her to read.

The following are things I have written so far. I will add to it as I go.

11/6/19

The other night I was listening to TD Jakes. I often listen to him. He has a way with words that reach deep into my heart. He was teaching on a different subject but he spoke about the friendship and deep bond that Jonathan and David shared. He spoke about how David was a shepherd boy and Jonathan was the son of a king. They came from totally different worlds. Yet, these differences did not matter because God chose them to be together.

Well, this sermon immediately called to mind one of the best friends I've ever had in my life. Her name is Polly. We are polar opposites. She loves stylish clothes and has a house that is to die for. She has that gift for designing and making a home look absolutely beautiful. She's a phenomenal cook too.

Then there's me. I prefer a pair of old comfortable blue jeans. I've never kept up with styles. My home is clean but I've never been much of a designer. I hate to cook.

Yet, several years ago at lunchtime God made our paths cross. Little did the two of us realize what God had in store. Polly was there to help me pack and move at the end of a bad relationship. She held me and prayed with me when I cried. Over the years we have grown together.

We have weathered the storms of life together. We have laughed and celebrated in births and mourned over deaths. We have texted and called eachother at all hours of the day and night. We have prayed together many times. We have agreed, disagreed, hung up on eachother only to call back and make up. We have threatened to pull a "Thelma and Louis" and leave town together or be the "Golden Girls".

Through it all our love and friendship has survived. My life would be so empty without her in it. I have very few people in my circle and she is one. Her friendship is one of the greatest treasures I have. Tonight, I am very grateful for my friend Polly. 💜

5/6/2020

I am writing this here because this is my safe place and I do not want it broadcasted all over Facecrack land in order to protect my friend.

I have a friend in recovery whom I have talked to at least once or twice a day for the last 10 years. She admitted to me that she had a couple of relapses over the years but always appeared to get right back into recovery, meetings, steps, etc. Over the last few months she started getting physically sick. I never thought she might be drinking. I hadn't seen her for a month or so due to the pandemic but her fiance called a week ago and asked me to help him get her to the doctor. So I rushed over.

She was skin and bones and totally out of her mind as far as dates and times. She knew me but thought it was 6 months earlier. We couldn't get her to go to the doctor and it was obvious that she was a danger to herself in her mental state. So, we called an ambulance and had her taken to the hospital. She has been confused and refused to eat since being there. The doctors ran all kinds of tests.

I managed to talk to her night before last on the phone. She knows me but her thoughts are all scrambled. She wanted to know why I hadn't got to the airport to pick her up yet.

I found out today that she possibly has wet brain. Apparently she has been sneak drinking for quite a long time. No one knew. I never picked up on it. She is extremely malnourished. The doctors don't know if she will ever make it back mentally.

I am devastated to say the least. I've been sober since 7/5/1986. I realized today that I forgot how hideous and heartbreaking alcoholism is. The Bigbook says it's a "rapacious creditor" and I know that is true. I will never be able to explain why I'm still sober with no relapses and my precious friend is not. I don't understand why she has to go through this.

It's easy to forget what a deadly disease alcoholism is until we walk through something like this. Please, please if you are even thinking about drinking....DON'T DO IT. STOP. Pray and reach out to someone. Hit a meeting somewhere online, face-to-face or whatever. Just DON'T DRINK.

My heart is so completely broken right now. Please pray that God brings my friend back and keeps her sober. 🙏😢🙏

6/19/20

I called Polly this evening on her cellphone. They let her have at the facility she is at. I can call the direct line at the center but I always try her cell first hoping she will be alert enough to answer it. Most days I have to end up calling the center, but tonight she answered her cell. That made me happy.

In the past few weeks she has randomly texted me, "Are you there?" When she does I always text her back and say, "Yes, and I always will be." Then I call her. She has never texted anything else but that.

So, tonight we talked for about 20 minutes. Her mind is still so scrambled up. She knows who I am. She will try to think of a word and sometimes get tearful. She is beginning to realize something isn't right with her. Every time we talk its different. Sometimes she thinks we live in the same apartments, her upstairs and me downstairs. Sometimes she thinks we are planning my granddaughter Destiny's wedding. Other times we are meeting up for dinner later.

Once in awhile, like tonight, she has a lucid moment when she gets tearful and asks what is wrong with her. I always gently tell her she's in a safe place and has doctors and nurses there who are helping her get well.

Polly and I use to pray together over the phone quite often when life would break our hearts. I always end our calls with prayer together that God heals her. Tonight was no different.

Right before I hung up, I told Polly I got my hair done and that I would text her a picture after I hung up and to let me know what she thought later. I did that. About 30 minutes later she texted me back, "You are gorgeous!" Tears of joy have been streaming down my face off and on since then. See, I know she will come back because God is a miracle worker and waymaker. This simple text was God's reminder to me that He has Polly in His loving grip of grace.

There are people in the world that would tell me just to let her go and move on. Why subject yourself to this sorrow? She may never come back. To them I say take your cold hearted, negative, hatefulness somewhere else. See, Polly is my friend. I don't let many people in my circle and very few are called my friend. Polly is my friend.

I love you Polly. You are gorgeous too and I will always be there. 💜

6/25/20

I call Polly almost every evening. She is still in the rehab. Once in awhile I get lucky and she will chit chat with me. Usually it's totally disconnected to now but I do find comfort in at least hearing her voice. But tonight I desperately miss my friend Polly. She always has a way of talking me off the ledge. She knows how to encourage me when life gets hard or my heart hurts. We would always pray together for eachother.

I understand the importance of HIPPA laws for patient privacy. However, I just wish I could visit her. But since I'm not family, I'm not allowed. I don't understand how a very good friend can be tossed aside so easily. I that if Polly's mind came back she'd want me there.

I do not know how people live with Alzheimers or Dementia patients and care for them till they die. I think they must be angels and the love they have for their person my run so deep it.pushes to stay. I know the love I have for Polly compels to keep calling her even when she doesn't understand what is going on.

Sometimes I want to yell into the phone COME BACK.TO ME! PLEASE COME BACK. I don't because i know she isn't gone on purpose. I hold out hope and pray that someday when I call my friend Polly will be back.

7/1/20

When my world was falling apart and I was teetering on the edge, I could always call Polly and she would talk me down and listen to my heart. Last night and the wee hours of this morning I need to talk to Polly so bad. I know its selfish, but the love and understanding of a intimate friend and confidant is the best medicine in the world. I will take the time to call her tomorrow even though she does not remember my life for the past few years. Sometimes just the sound of her voice is soothing. God please bring Polly back. 💜😭💜😭💜

Jun 18, 2020

Reverse Racism at Courthouse Today

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

6/18/39

I had to make a trip to the Municipal courthouse in Tulsa today. I had some personal business to handle. When I arrived, there was a tent set up at the entrance and a long line. There were signs posted everywhere that said to maintain 6 feet for social distancing and lines marked on the concrete. I wore a mask and alot of people had one on but some didn't.

Everyone was doing pretty good at maintaining distance but the guy behind me apparently missed all the signage. He was literally breathing down my neck and had no mask on. I am not sure if he was nervous or had too many tokes on the way in or what but I sure didn't feel comfortable. I turned around and politely asked him to please back up to the line behind him and pointed it out. I also pointed to the sign right in front of him that said maintain 6 feet distance. His girlfriend grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

I promise you, he could have been a little old lady, white, Hispanic, Native American, gay, straight, I don't care I still would have asked him to back off. It had nothing to do with his skin color and everything to do with COVID19 safety. However, he happened to be African American. He went off on me! Told me to go to hell. He told his girlfriend that if he weren't at the courthouse he would "beat the shit out of that racist white bitch". Every time the line moved he counted real loud to 6 and said to me, "Are ya happy now bitch?!" I did not engage with him.

I stood there quietly (which to many who know me is a miracle) while he showed his ass and I wrote a text of what was happening and that I felt unsafe and intimidated and to please get security in the area. Then I waved a girl over that was across the way checking temperatures of everyone. I asked her to read it. She gave me a thumbs up and a couple minutes later an officer stepped in the area where the guy behind me could clearly see him. They got me in pretty quick, distracted him and kept him away from me.

That guy had no clue who I am. I am not a racist at all. Had my husband been there he wouldn't have said a word to me. He sure wouldn't have called me a "racist white bitch". I cannot help but feel like this is racism in reverse. I'm sorry but it makes no sense to me that people protest and scream BLM, no justice no peace and racism needs to stop; yet many of them do the very thing to others that they are trying to stop!

Now please understand, I do not think that all African Americans are like this asshat was today. Those that I know and call my husband, family and friends are hard working, family loving people just like me. They are in my inner circle because of WHO THEY ARE, not what color they are. It saddens me to see first hand that a few crazy nutjobs on all sides can cause such division in my city and country that I love. It hurts me even more to realize I'm afraid to be around people in public right now too. It's just not safe. Too many nutjobs running loose, looking for a fight. 😢

Had I not had enough self control to not take the bait this guy was throwing at me this could've ended so much differently. The Tulsa race riot started over nothing more than a false rumor. Please, if you are out and about and cross paths with a loose cannon, don't engage with them. All it takes is a spark or a false rumor to start a riot. It's not worth it.

And people wonder why we who LIVE in Tulsa do not want the rally's and stuff right now. It's a friggin powderkeg here. People's lives are at stake.

I will delete any comments I do not like. It's my post, don't like it, keep scrolling or feel free to unfriend me.

Jun 17, 2020

Is AA the Only Way?

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

6/17/20

This is my response to someone's question on Facebook. They wanted to know if AA was the only way to stay sober.

I will not say he succeeded through sheer willpower. However, my grandfather was a raging alcoholic. This was 40 years ago. He started having heart problems and was told he needed a pacemaker. Way back then getting a pacemaker was as risky as open heart surgery because they were still new. He told me after I got sober that the night before his surgery he prayed and made a deal with God. He told God if he made it through surgery he'd never drink again, get involved in church and help others. To his dying day he did that. He always told me that God got him sober. He also told me, "Andi, it's obvious that this A and A thing is working for you so stick with it! Not everyone needs church." I've stuck with AA since 7/5/1986 and have never relapsed by God's grace. I spent many times talking to my grandfather about how much better life was without alcohol. This is why I always tell people AA is not the only way to stay sober, it's the way that works for me. If you don't like AA, find another path. You can always come back. I thank God for my grandfather. 💜

Jun 13, 2020

Music

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

6/13/20

I think Heaven is full of nothing but beautiful music coming from the spirits of those around God's throne. And in this music there is no judgement. It does not matter what color your skin is, what political affiliations you have, who you love, what religion you are, how much money you have or anything else. All that matters is being in God's presence, in unity and love, sharing the music of our hearts.

You may think I am crazy but I do not care. See, a few months after my granddaughter Zoey died I saw her dancing to the music at God's throne. It was the most unimaginably beautiful place I have ever seen. And the music? It vibrated through every cell in my being. I have seen my little grandson Mikey who died a few years after his sister Zoey dancing with her and my grandparents too. What a breathtaking and exquisite sight!

There are days this cruel, sick world gets to me. When it does, I lose myself in music and remember where I will be someday...dancing at God's throne with my grandchildren and others who have gone before me. When I do this it washes over me like the unspeakable oil of joy and suddenly all these worldly clamors do not matter anymore. 💜🙏

Jun 9, 2020

My Thoughts on George Floyd Death and Racism

My Thoughts on George Floyd and Racism

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

Written 6/9/20

I have shared a few posts here and there regarding the current climate of hate and the tragic death of George Floyd, but I have not posted my personal thoughts. My thoughts are very simple. Rioting and violence of ANY KIND ARE WRONG under any circumstances. Protest your brains out, I don't care, but please get your message clear and know exactly what you're protesting for if you do, regardless of what side your on. I choose not to protest because I don't choose to risk getting shot by some fringe nutjob, on either side.

Now, those of you who know me and are a part of my life, my inner circle, let this thought sink in...

THAT COULD HAVE JUST AS EASILY BEEN MY HUSBAND INSTEAD OF FLOYD.

Kinda hits home doesn't it? Let that sink in REAL DEEP.

Was any of this caused from a totally racist society? Nope. There are sick, twisted people in this country and world from ALL RACES. It's a human problem. So, I think we should stop making this a race issue and make it a HUMAN issue.

I do not believe in white, Native American, African American, Hispanic, etc "privilege". I believe ANYONE born in the USA is privileged much more than the majority of others in this world. I refuse to apologize for being white/Native American. I also don't think my husband, who happens to African American and French, should apologize for his ethnicity either. We are who we are. God made us that way.

It is up to each person what they want to make of their lives. It takes hard work and great sacrifice to be successful. If it were actually about being a privileged race then explain to me why I'm lower middle class and Oprah is a billionaire. It's all about the choices we make in life.

In the end, as my husband put in our vows, all there is LOVE. Until ALL people unite under God and get back to LOVE as Jesus (my Higher Power) and other religions teach we are doomed. So, put down your protest signs, go home, sow LOVE into your family FIRST, then let ripple out to others.

I don't give a crap about your political affiliations, whether your KKK, BLM or whatever the hell else is out there. Keep it to yourself. I posted this to share my heart and my heart is not up for dissection or debate. Any negative, hateful comments or any I just don't like will be deleted. That's what I love about Facebook...delete, block and unfriend. Wish life was that easy.

May 6, 2020

Wet Brain

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

5/6/2020

I am writing this here because this is my safe place and I do not want it broadcasted all over Facecrack land in order to protect my friend.

I have a friend in recovery whom I have talked to at least once or twice a day for the last 8 years. She admitted to me that she had a couple of relapses over the years but always appeared to get right back into recovery, meetings, steps, etc. Over the last few months she started getting physically sick. I never thought she might be drinking. I hadn't seen her for a month or so due to the pandemic but her fiance called a week ago and asked me to help him get her to the doctor. So I rushed over.

I managed to talk to her night before last on the phone. She knows me but her thoughts are all scrambled. She wanted to know why I hadn't got to the airport to pick her up yet.

I found out today that she has wet brain. Apparently she has been sneak drinking for quite a long time. No one knew. I never picked up on it. She is extremely malnourished. The doctors don't know if she will ever make it back mentally.

My heart is so completely broken right now. Please pray that God brings my friend back and keeps her sober. 🙏😢🙏

Mar 30, 2020

COVID 19 Comment for Kaylee

This is a comment I wrote in response to a post my granddaughter Kaylee made about being scared for her dad, my son, having to go back to work amid this virus that has the whole world on lockdown…

Kaylee Zelsnack God is in charge of this world, this universe. Not man, not the evil one. God is. He gave His only son to save us. His bore the stripes on His back to heal us. Your daddy, my son is protected by the Holy Spirit…all of you are, me too. I pray every day that God send a legion of angels and the anointing of the Holy Spirit to protect all of us. So I know that your daddy is going to be ok. I know that we will all get through this. My prayers avail much, just like my mom’s and grandmother’s prayers availed. I am living proof that prayer works. I should have died many times over and prayers kept me alive and changed me. I’m telling you this so you don’t need to feel afraid. You focus on JESUS not this virus. It has no power over us.

Psalms 91 says:
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
3 Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you make the Most High your dwelling– even the LORD, who is my refuge–
10 then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

This is what you pray over your daddy and your whole family every day. I pray it over us all every day too. Times like this we have to keep our eyes on Jesus. I love you my sweet Kaylee! 🙏😢🙏

Feb 18, 2020

Prayers for My Family

Feb 8, 2020

My Bathroom

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

2/8/20

I am sure that by the time you finish reading this, many of you will think I am crazy. That is fine. Just try to read with an open mind. Hopefully by the end you will understand my heart.

As far back as I can remember, the bathroom has always been my safe place. I think that is because as a child it was the only place I could go to get away from everyone, especially when I took a bath. I could lock the door and shut the chaos out. As a young woman my bathroom became the place where I would pray.

Over the years my bathroom has become my "war room" to intercede for others and myself in times of trouble. It is also my sanctuary where I worship God. Nobody else is there to watch or judge, it is just me and my God. So, my nightly bathtime has become a spiritual ritual for me.

I was listening to TD Jakes the other night. He was talking about churchgoers who skip the praise and worship and only show up for the sermon. He said that preaching is God speaking to us through a person, it something we take from God. Praise and worship is something we give to God. Bishop Jakes said most people only want to take from God. Yet, if they only understood that when they truly give to God through worship He overwhelms us with the greatest blessings.

Tonight, I was thinking about that as I drew my bath. I have been going through alot lately. Life has a way of throwing us curveballs and mine has been pretty curvy lately. So, I decide to play music from my all time favorite worshipper, Rich Mullins. His music is etched on my heart.

I was soaking in my bath, listening to the music with my eyes closed. I thought about how Rich Mullins died way too soon. Then I saw myself at God's throne and Rich Mullins was playing. People were worshipping God. It was so beautiful. I was standing there in awe when I felt someone grab my hand. I looked over and it was my sweet Zoey. I could see Mikey, my other grandchildren and loved ones who have gone on to Heaven around us. Zoey looked at me and said, "GeGe, don't you understand? God needed him here more than He needed him on earth." I smiled at her and said, "Zoey, you all are the blessed ones. You get to worship God all the time. How awesome that must be!" We hugged and Zoey was gone.

It is no coincidence that Zoey came to me today. She was born on February 28, 2006. Lived 11 minutes and captured my heart forever. God knew I needed a message from her. She reminded me that no matter how twisty-windy, scary life gets God is there, ever present and fighting for me.

My favorite song of Rich Mullins for all time is Hold Me Jesus. It is the song that I was listening to when Zoey came to me. Enjoy listening to it and remember God is there with you.

Today, I am very grateful for my bathroom.

https://youtu.be/d9T3tL5U67w

Jan 30, 2020

Ode to Mikey

I wrote this about my grandson Michael Aidyn Jude Zelsnack born January 30, 2008. Always loved, never forgotten. 💜💜💜

Written on Apr 14, 2010

Ode to Mikey

by Andrea Tadpole

Born on a stormy sea of silence

His tiny life beyond my grasp

His spirit carried away on angel's wings

With all my hopes and dreams

I never got to see him smile

I never saw his eyes

I never felt his tender touch

Or listened to his cries

Waves of sorrow pulled me down

To horrid depths of grief

I feared I'd never reach the top

Breathe free or find relief

What was his purpose

Why was he here

Why was he meant to be

There had to be a lesson

If I could only see

Then I heard him in the silence

Calling out my name

Rise up, go home and live your life

Walk on amidst the pain

Take care of those I've left behind

Never let them go

Forgive them even if it hurts

And when your pride says no

Hold tight to God

Keep the faith

And then you'll see

That I am always with you

I am happy

I am free