I have been on my own almost a year now. Times have been bad and times have been good. I have learned a lot about myself and I actually like who I am whether others do or not.
The one thing I rediscovered about myself has been my intense love of music. Music speaks to me in places no one else can reach. It speaks to every cell and I can do nothing but dance, no matter how stupid I look in response to it. Music has carried me through the darkest times in my life whether it be classical, pop, r&b, rock n roll or anything in between. Music has the ability to take me out of the doldrums and into a place of joy and peace. I know it sounds crazy for one with hearing impairment such as me to love a good song so much but I do!
Today I was having a down moment so at lunch I sat in my car, blasted the radio and lost myself in the moment. It still feels so good to just listen and let all the problems melt away with a good song :-)
To all my musician friends out there...thanks for creating such an awesome gift for music lovers like me!
May 24, 2012
May 16, 2012
My Response to a Gay Rights Debate on Facebook
I have read everyone’s banter back and forth about this subject and I have mulled it over in my mind for a while now. I call myself a Christian and by that I mean that I believe that Jesus was God who came in the form of man to the earth to redeem us. He was the ultimate sacrifice for us. He made that sacrifice because of who HE IS, not because any one of us could ever possibly get good enough to deserve it.
I was raised in what I call a Heinz 57 religion, a little bit of everything and all mixed up. I was told that I had sinned if I even as much as thought about committing a sin. Well, in that case I was screwed by the time was 3 years old. I hated my new little baby sister who screamed all the time and prayed God would take her away. Hell I have even fantasized about some really weird stuff that I will not share here so that would dam me to hell too. Not to mention all the different things I have participated in before I got clean and sober 25 years ago. I was told one thing after another by so-called holy men, pastors of churches. They supposedly knew the Bible and had a direct pipeline to God. They were skilled charlatans who could manipulate and pull any verse in the Bible out of context to suit their agenda. While at the same time, most of them were bilking people for money, having affairs and screwing their secretaries or trying to get in my pants when I got old enough. All this left me with a bad taste in mouth about religion.
Fast forward to 2003. I went back to college to earn my Bachelors in Fine Art. I had to minor in Art History. I had no idea how much art has played such a significant role in religion throughout history, especially in the Middle Ages. All of the education that I got and the research I had to do left me dumbfounded. Everything I thought I knew to be true about the Bible and Christianity is not at all what I was taught. I will not bore you with the details, research it yourself if you dare. I will simply say that the Bible has never been translated in its true form. There has always been an agenda behind how things are interpreted and translated. King James had his own political agenda and single handedly refused to allow some books to even be included in what is now accepted as the Holy Bible. He didn’t like what it said or something in it went against his agenda for political power. He actually used it as a form of propaganda. Oh and don’t get me started on the Catholic Bible. So, how does anyone really know that what we know as the Holy Bible is really what was written? The truth is we don’t.
Having said all that, here is where I stand on sexuality. We can banter back and forth. One side can shout we are right the other can shout you are wrong, but in the end we all have to face our own mortality and be judged by God and He is the only judge (assuming you believe what the Bible says). That being the case, who died and made any human being God? Who gave any human being the right to judge another? I do remember that there is a Bible verse that says “judge not lest you be judged.” Over the years I have come to realize that there is a lot more gray in the world than black and white. It is nobody’s business what sexuality an individual chooses but that individual’s. Debating whether one was born gay or straight is like asking which came first the chicken or the egg? What the hell difference does it make? The reality is there is an egg and chicken and we have to deal with it.
This world is a hateful non-inclusive place most of the time. People who march to the beat of their own drum (like me) and refuse to conform to society’s stereotypes are ridiculed and shunned. Why can’t we celebrate our differences instead of walking along like stupid sheep to the slaughter? I am not gay, I am straight. I like being with men. Does that make me bad? Does that make me an outcast or a slut? According to previous comments as sin is a sin is a sin so I would be a sinner dammed for hell wouldn’t I? Is my lifestyle choice any more or less a sin than that of a gay person? I don’t think so, I think that neither of them are sins.
I think the greatest sin in the world is to not love. Christ came and preached a message that people still don’t hear today…Love one another. He did not say love one another only if you’re straight or only if you’re monogamous or only if you’re gay. He simply said LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Is it really that hard?
I was raised in what I call a Heinz 57 religion, a little bit of everything and all mixed up. I was told that I had sinned if I even as much as thought about committing a sin. Well, in that case I was screwed by the time was 3 years old. I hated my new little baby sister who screamed all the time and prayed God would take her away. Hell I have even fantasized about some really weird stuff that I will not share here so that would dam me to hell too. Not to mention all the different things I have participated in before I got clean and sober 25 years ago. I was told one thing after another by so-called holy men, pastors of churches. They supposedly knew the Bible and had a direct pipeline to God. They were skilled charlatans who could manipulate and pull any verse in the Bible out of context to suit their agenda. While at the same time, most of them were bilking people for money, having affairs and screwing their secretaries or trying to get in my pants when I got old enough. All this left me with a bad taste in mouth about religion.
Fast forward to 2003. I went back to college to earn my Bachelors in Fine Art. I had to minor in Art History. I had no idea how much art has played such a significant role in religion throughout history, especially in the Middle Ages. All of the education that I got and the research I had to do left me dumbfounded. Everything I thought I knew to be true about the Bible and Christianity is not at all what I was taught. I will not bore you with the details, research it yourself if you dare. I will simply say that the Bible has never been translated in its true form. There has always been an agenda behind how things are interpreted and translated. King James had his own political agenda and single handedly refused to allow some books to even be included in what is now accepted as the Holy Bible. He didn’t like what it said or something in it went against his agenda for political power. He actually used it as a form of propaganda. Oh and don’t get me started on the Catholic Bible. So, how does anyone really know that what we know as the Holy Bible is really what was written? The truth is we don’t.
Having said all that, here is where I stand on sexuality. We can banter back and forth. One side can shout we are right the other can shout you are wrong, but in the end we all have to face our own mortality and be judged by God and He is the only judge (assuming you believe what the Bible says). That being the case, who died and made any human being God? Who gave any human being the right to judge another? I do remember that there is a Bible verse that says “judge not lest you be judged.” Over the years I have come to realize that there is a lot more gray in the world than black and white. It is nobody’s business what sexuality an individual chooses but that individual’s. Debating whether one was born gay or straight is like asking which came first the chicken or the egg? What the hell difference does it make? The reality is there is an egg and chicken and we have to deal with it.
This world is a hateful non-inclusive place most of the time. People who march to the beat of their own drum (like me) and refuse to conform to society’s stereotypes are ridiculed and shunned. Why can’t we celebrate our differences instead of walking along like stupid sheep to the slaughter? I am not gay, I am straight. I like being with men. Does that make me bad? Does that make me an outcast or a slut? According to previous comments as sin is a sin is a sin so I would be a sinner dammed for hell wouldn’t I? Is my lifestyle choice any more or less a sin than that of a gay person? I don’t think so, I think that neither of them are sins.
I think the greatest sin in the world is to not love. Christ came and preached a message that people still don’t hear today…Love one another. He did not say love one another only if you’re straight or only if you’re monogamous or only if you’re gay. He simply said LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Is it really that hard?
May 11, 2012
Doubting Thomas
by Andrea Tadpole
The God of my understanding gave me the most beautiful picture of His love for me in the Bible. My favorite story is of Doubting Thomas. Thomas walked with Christ every day, knew him intimately. Yet, when Jesus came to him after His resurrection, even standing right in front of him, ole Tom said something like, "Yeah right, sure your Jesus, prove it!" Jesus loved him so much and understood his humanness and doubt such that He told Tom to go ahead a poke his finger in His side.
I am just like Doubting Thomas. I wake up every morning and stick my finger in His side to make sure He's really real. Jesus always laughs and tells me, "Go ahead and poke my side, I'm still here, I understand and I love you."
I have always thought that if my relationship with God is so precarious that I am afraid to question Him or doubt Him I need to find another Higher Power. See, God knows my heart. He knows every thought. He created me just the way I am with all the imperfections I have. Yet, He loves me, just the way I am; not because of who I am, but because of who He is. So, I will just keep poking His side every morning to make sure He is real.
The God of my understanding gave me the most beautiful picture of His love for me in the Bible. My favorite story is of Doubting Thomas. Thomas walked with Christ every day, knew him intimately. Yet, when Jesus came to him after His resurrection, even standing right in front of him, ole Tom said something like, "Yeah right, sure your Jesus, prove it!" Jesus loved him so much and understood his humanness and doubt such that He told Tom to go ahead a poke his finger in His side.
I am just like Doubting Thomas. I wake up every morning and stick my finger in His side to make sure He's really real. Jesus always laughs and tells me, "Go ahead and poke my side, I'm still here, I understand and I love you."
I have always thought that if my relationship with God is so precarious that I am afraid to question Him or doubt Him I need to find another Higher Power. See, God knows my heart. He knows every thought. He created me just the way I am with all the imperfections I have. Yet, He loves me, just the way I am; not because of who I am, but because of who He is. So, I will just keep poking His side every morning to make sure He is real.
May 9, 2012
Not Your Yo-Yo
by Andrea Tadpole
I’m not a trinket
You lock in a box
To pull out
When you’re bored
To get yourself off
I’m not your yo-yo
I’m not your toy
Not just something
To use
For your own
Selfish joy
Come here
Go Away
That’s the game
You play
You pull me close
Like a yo-yo
Snap me back
Down the line
Watch me twirl
At the end
And think
I’ll be fine
Yet you don’t see
What its doing to me
I’m a beautiful girl
With a passionate heart
Sensual and sexy
When treated
With love
So why do you
Play me
Like a stupid toy
Then when you’re done
Just give me a shove
You pull me close
Like a yo-yo
Snap me back
Down the line
Watch me twirl
At the end
And think
I’ll be fine
Yet you don’t see
What its doing to me
Can’t take the spinning
Don’t know which way to go
Come here
Go away
I’m tired of the game
I have no choice
I need relief
I cut the string
Now I’m free
No longer
Your toy
I’m not a trinket
You lock in a box
To pull out
When you’re bored
To get yourself off
I’m not your yo-yo
I’m not your toy
Not just something
To use
For your own
Selfish joy
Come here
Go Away
That’s the game
You play
You pull me close
Like a yo-yo
Snap me back
Down the line
Watch me twirl
At the end
And think
I’ll be fine
Yet you don’t see
What its doing to me
I’m a beautiful girl
With a passionate heart
Sensual and sexy
When treated
With love
So why do you
Play me
Like a stupid toy
Then when you’re done
Just give me a shove
You pull me close
Like a yo-yo
Snap me back
Down the line
Watch me twirl
At the end
And think
I’ll be fine
Yet you don’t see
What its doing to me
Can’t take the spinning
Don’t know which way to go
Come here
Go away
I’m tired of the game
I have no choice
I need relief
I cut the string
Now I’m free
No longer
Your toy
Apr 11, 2012
For My Daddy
For My Daddy
By Andrea Tadpole
One minute I'm working
The next my life is falling apart
The phone rings
Everything changes
Because of your broken heart
Nothing lasts forever
Yet I want to make
Time stand still
I cannot take more sorrow
But pain is at my door
Thoughts of losing you
Terrify me
Suck the breath from my lungs
Halt my beating heart
You are part of what created me
You gave me life
And loved me
Through the thick and thin
Your presence has surrounded me
With every step I take
We've butted heads
Fought
Cried
Yelled
And disagreed
Yet through it all
You've loved me
Become my guiding light
And closest friend
I know the day is coming
From this world you'll pass
Yet I want to stop the clock
And make each moment last
For you've always been my hero
My ever present rock
When your time is over
And I'm left here all alone
I hope that I remember
What you taught me from the start
That family is most important
Love them at all cost
Believe in those who are different
Who don't always fit the mold
Give of myself to others
Work hard
Play even harder
Never forget to laugh
Especially when I'm old
I've always been a daddy's girl
My hero you'll always be
Thank you for using Picture and Video Messaging by U.S. Cellular. See www.uscellular.com for info.
Apr 8, 2012
Easter 2012
By Andrea Tadpole
Easter is not about what church service you attend, what clothes you wear, or what you post about it on Facebook. Easter is about the sacrifice a loving Savior made for us on the cross and the miracle of His resurrection. He loved us in spite of ourselves. No amount of church services, nice clothes, or other arrogance like the pharasees had will buy ones way into heaven. Only the acceptance of His ultimate sacrifice holds the key.
I don't go to church because most of them are full of white washed tombs. They look good on the outside but they are dead on the inside. They wouldn't know Jesus if He sat down next to them and most would probably throw him out of the church.
I found Jesus again many years ago at the foot if my bed on my knees. I didn't need to go to a church to find Him. Even if I did go to one they probably would have thrown me out. Jesus met me where I was, just the way I was. He loved me because of WHO HE IS not because of me.
See, I believe He loved me just as much when I was face down in my puke passed out drunk as He does today sober for many years. He loves us all that way. We cannot earn His love, we must let it into our hearts.
So, when you get through with all your religious trappings and traditions today. Go home, take your nice clothes off and hit your knees at the foot of your bed. For it is in the quiet solitude and humility of your heart that you will find Him...closer than your next heartbeat. Oh and while your down there maybe you could stop and truly thank Him for the sacrifice He made.
Easter is not about what church service you attend, what clothes you wear, or what you post about it on Facebook. Easter is about the sacrifice a loving Savior made for us on the cross and the miracle of His resurrection. He loved us in spite of ourselves. No amount of church services, nice clothes, or other arrogance like the pharasees had will buy ones way into heaven. Only the acceptance of His ultimate sacrifice holds the key.
I don't go to church because most of them are full of white washed tombs. They look good on the outside but they are dead on the inside. They wouldn't know Jesus if He sat down next to them and most would probably throw him out of the church.
I found Jesus again many years ago at the foot if my bed on my knees. I didn't need to go to a church to find Him. Even if I did go to one they probably would have thrown me out. Jesus met me where I was, just the way I was. He loved me because of WHO HE IS not because of me.
See, I believe He loved me just as much when I was face down in my puke passed out drunk as He does today sober for many years. He loves us all that way. We cannot earn His love, we must let it into our hearts.
So, when you get through with all your religious trappings and traditions today. Go home, take your nice clothes off and hit your knees at the foot of your bed. For it is in the quiet solitude and humility of your heart that you will find Him...closer than your next heartbeat. Oh and while your down there maybe you could stop and truly thank Him for the sacrifice He made.
Mar 27, 2012
Its Only You I Want to Hold
By Andrea Tadpole
Sitting in the silence
Watching thoughts of you
Float by
You've invaded me
Like a parasite
Viral and rapid
Impossible to deny
Was our meeting
By chance
Or divine appointment
From above
I cannot tell
All I know is
I cannot shake you
I've been conquered
By your love
I lay in bed at night
My imagination fired
Passions run wild
In the secret garden
Of my mind
It's only you
I want to hold
Sitting in the silence
Watching thoughts of you
Float by
You've invaded me
Like a parasite
Viral and rapid
Impossible to deny
Was our meeting
By chance
Or divine appointment
From above
I cannot tell
All I know is
I cannot shake you
I've been conquered
By your love
I lay in bed at night
My imagination fired
Passions run wild
In the secret garden
Of my mind
It's only you
I want to hold
Mar 23, 2012
For My Granddaughters
By Andrea Tadpole
My grandma left this earth
Many years ago
Yet her voice and words are still alive
Deep within my soul
She taught me of integrity
And to always be true
To love and support my family
No matter what they do
I was young and dumb you see
And did not understand
The treasure God had given me
Right within my hands
My grandma's wisdom
Far surpassed her years
She did not mind speaking truth
Even if it brought me tears
While she was not perfect
Her love for me was strong and deep
She always said at night she prayed for me
And gladly sacrificed her sleep
I know that I'm alive today
Because of grandma's prayers
Now I myself am grandma
Almost fifty years of my life have passed
I understand my sacred task
When your fifty I won't be here
You'll be a grandma too
Will you remember
How we use to laugh and play
And all I taught you
Or will thoughts of me just fade away
I hope you don't forget me
And to each memory grab ahold
Tuck it deep inside your heart
For it is a treasure
Worth much more than gold
So many years from now
When I have gone away
If you need me I am there
Just sit still and listen
My voice and words are still alive
Deep within your soul
I love you forever
And I will never let you go
My grandma left this earth
Many years ago
Yet her voice and words are still alive
Deep within my soul
She taught me of integrity
And to always be true
To love and support my family
No matter what they do
I was young and dumb you see
And did not understand
The treasure God had given me
Right within my hands
My grandma's wisdom
Far surpassed her years
She did not mind speaking truth
Even if it brought me tears
While she was not perfect
Her love for me was strong and deep
She always said at night she prayed for me
And gladly sacrificed her sleep
I know that I'm alive today
Because of grandma's prayers
Now I myself am grandma
Almost fifty years of my life have passed
I understand my sacred task
When your fifty I won't be here
You'll be a grandma too
Will you remember
How we use to laugh and play
And all I taught you
Or will thoughts of me just fade away
I hope you don't forget me
And to each memory grab ahold
Tuck it deep inside your heart
For it is a treasure
Worth much more than gold
So many years from now
When I have gone away
If you need me I am there
Just sit still and listen
My voice and words are still alive
Deep within your soul
I love you forever
And I will never let you go
Feb 4, 2012
You Are Part of Me
By Andrea Tadpole
You are a part of me
You are the space
Between each breath I take
The reason my heart beats
Without you
Life was pointless and gray
With you
What can I say
You've given me a reason to live
Rekindled love in my heart again
What was once a dying ember
Is now a roaring flame
You are part of me
And will be
Now and forever
You are a part of me
You are the space
Between each breath I take
The reason my heart beats
Without you
Life was pointless and gray
With you
What can I say
You've given me a reason to live
Rekindled love in my heart again
What was once a dying ember
Is now a roaring flame
You are part of me
And will be
Now and forever
Jan 24, 2012
My Personal Vows
By Andrea Tadpole
Written 6/22/2001
I give myself to you unreservedly. I leave my old life behind and cleave unto a new life with you. As I embark on this journey with you I promise always to keep you in the forefront of my mind. I promise always to be loyal to you, even if that means personal sacrifice.
I will treat you with respect, dignity and gentleness. I will be there for you no matter what. When it looks like the world has walked out on you, I will be there right by your side. I will love you, encourage you, and support you in all that you do. I promise never to abandon you.
You do not always have to be strong and you do not have to do life alone anymore. You can rely on me. I will be a source of strength to you when you are weak.
I promise always to conduct myself in an honest and trustworthy manner, not only with you, but others. I promise to set special time aside to spend with you regularly. I promise to be attentive to your needs and feelings, I promise to listen to you even when we don't agree. When we do disagree I promise to “not let the sun go down on my wrath”. I promise to endeavor to live in a spirit of unity and compromise with you.
I give you my heart and all my love.
Written 6/22/2001
I give myself to you unreservedly. I leave my old life behind and cleave unto a new life with you. As I embark on this journey with you I promise always to keep you in the forefront of my mind. I promise always to be loyal to you, even if that means personal sacrifice.
I will treat you with respect, dignity and gentleness. I will be there for you no matter what. When it looks like the world has walked out on you, I will be there right by your side. I will love you, encourage you, and support you in all that you do. I promise never to abandon you.
You do not always have to be strong and you do not have to do life alone anymore. You can rely on me. I will be a source of strength to you when you are weak.
I promise always to conduct myself in an honest and trustworthy manner, not only with you, but others. I promise to set special time aside to spend with you regularly. I promise to be attentive to your needs and feelings, I promise to listen to you even when we don't agree. When we do disagree I promise to “not let the sun go down on my wrath”. I promise to endeavor to live in a spirit of unity and compromise with you.
I give you my heart and all my love.
Jan 22, 2012
If I Died Tonight
By Andrea Tadpole
If I died tonight
Would you miss me
Would you have regrets
Things you should have said or done
Would you miss my smile
Crave my touch
In the very depths of your soul
Yet know that you’d never have it
That I’d never be there to hold
If I died tonight
Would your heart ache
And grasp desperately at any way
To cross the great divide
For just a second with me
With your arms open wide
Out of nowhere
Would you hear my voice
Calling out your name
Would you feel your heart leap
Maybe even look
Then remember I’m gone forever
I won’t be coming back again
Eternity is a long time
There are no overs
So why are you wasting your life
And why are you wasting mine
If I died tonight
How would you feel
Really
Stop for one minute and think
How would you feel
I guess I’m the only one that’s real
I live in the moment
I live in now
Sometimes that’s not pretty
Sometimes it’s not happy, joyous and free
It sucks
It’s just reality
See I understand
We don’t live forever
Today is all we have
If you need me
I’m there
I’ll listen
I’ll carry the burden with you
Because I know
If you died tonight
I’d miss you
You’re in my heart
Part of me would die too
If I died tonight
Would you miss me
Just asking
Just need to know
It seems like I'm not that special
Easily forgotten
Even easier to let go
If I died tonight
Would you miss me
Would you have regrets
Things you should have said or done
Would you miss my smile
Crave my touch
In the very depths of your soul
Yet know that you’d never have it
That I’d never be there to hold
If I died tonight
Would your heart ache
And grasp desperately at any way
To cross the great divide
For just a second with me
With your arms open wide
Out of nowhere
Would you hear my voice
Calling out your name
Would you feel your heart leap
Maybe even look
Then remember I’m gone forever
I won’t be coming back again
Eternity is a long time
There are no overs
So why are you wasting your life
And why are you wasting mine
If I died tonight
How would you feel
Really
Stop for one minute and think
How would you feel
I guess I’m the only one that’s real
I live in the moment
I live in now
Sometimes that’s not pretty
Sometimes it’s not happy, joyous and free
It sucks
It’s just reality
See I understand
We don’t live forever
Today is all we have
If you need me
I’m there
I’ll listen
I’ll carry the burden with you
Because I know
If you died tonight
I’d miss you
You’re in my heart
Part of me would die too
If I died tonight
Would you miss me
Just asking
Just need to know
It seems like I'm not that special
Easily forgotten
Even easier to let go
I Have No Muse
NOTE: This was written several months ago. I am just now getting it added to my blog.
By Andrea Tadpole
I have no muse
I have decided
Maybe I’m wrong
I don’t know
Maybe it’s the whole world
The circumstances
That I find myself in
Situations that prick my heart
Make my soul bleed
Make me want to beg for breath
Maybe it’s the things that bring me
The greatest joy
And the deepest sorrow
Maybe it’s the events and moments
That I find so tantalizing to my mind
That I don’t know how to say it
Or put it into words
I’m an artist
I’m a painter
I’ve lost the use of my hand
I cannot paint reality anymore
I struggle so hard
I want more than anything
To paint what I see
Yet I’ve lost my voice
I’ve lost my brush
All I have left
Are mere words
And somehow
They’re not enough
To open up my heart
To put it on a canvas
The colors speak and say
What I feel
But words
They aren’t enough
And yet I keep trying to write
To show you who I am
If you would just read and listen
You’d see my soul
You’d see my heart
You’d see my mind
But why don’t you take the time
Why don’t you let me in
I feel like I’ve lost my muse
I know I did
His heart was beautiful
And strong and true
Eyes blue as the sky
Touch deep as the ocean
Kiss sweeter than any sugar on earth
Yet he won’t let me in
My heart is broken
So here I am once again
Writing a damned poem about it
That nobody will ever read
It doesn’t matter
So easily forgotten
That’s me
Always am
So I sit with my paper
And I write
No one listens
No one reads
Just silly words
Just stupid feelings
So much for me
I have no muse
What does it matter
Who cares what I see
By Andrea Tadpole
I have no muse
I have decided
Maybe I’m wrong
I don’t know
Maybe it’s the whole world
The circumstances
That I find myself in
Situations that prick my heart
Make my soul bleed
Make me want to beg for breath
Maybe it’s the things that bring me
The greatest joy
And the deepest sorrow
Maybe it’s the events and moments
That I find so tantalizing to my mind
That I don’t know how to say it
Or put it into words
I’m an artist
I’m a painter
I’ve lost the use of my hand
I cannot paint reality anymore
I struggle so hard
I want more than anything
To paint what I see
Yet I’ve lost my voice
I’ve lost my brush
All I have left
Are mere words
And somehow
They’re not enough
To open up my heart
To put it on a canvas
The colors speak and say
What I feel
But words
They aren’t enough
And yet I keep trying to write
To show you who I am
If you would just read and listen
You’d see my soul
You’d see my heart
You’d see my mind
But why don’t you take the time
Why don’t you let me in
I feel like I’ve lost my muse
I know I did
His heart was beautiful
And strong and true
Eyes blue as the sky
Touch deep as the ocean
Kiss sweeter than any sugar on earth
Yet he won’t let me in
My heart is broken
So here I am once again
Writing a damned poem about it
That nobody will ever read
It doesn’t matter
So easily forgotten
That’s me
Always am
So I sit with my paper
And I write
No one listens
No one reads
Just silly words
Just stupid feelings
So much for me
I have no muse
What does it matter
Who cares what I see
I Am A Woman
By Andrea Tadpole
Do not try to possess me
For in the pursuit of me
You will lose me
I am not an object
To obtain
I am a woman
To experience
Do not try to rein me in
Or dress me like a doll
I’m not a trinket on your arm
Not just a hole to stick it in
I am a being
With a heart and spirit
I have a mind
I am alive
Do not try to contain me
For I cannot be subdued
Let me run
Wild and free
When you do
I will return
To the seat of your soul
Like your missing rib
I will be there
For you to have and to hold
But only if you
Let me be
Set me free
Give me breath and life
If you try to tame me
I will run
I always do
I am not a possession
I am a woman
A gift sent from above
For you
Do not try to possess me
For in the pursuit of me
You will lose me
I am not an object
To obtain
I am a woman
To experience
Do not try to rein me in
Or dress me like a doll
I’m not a trinket on your arm
Not just a hole to stick it in
I am a being
With a heart and spirit
I have a mind
I am alive
Do not try to contain me
For I cannot be subdued
Let me run
Wild and free
When you do
I will return
To the seat of your soul
Like your missing rib
I will be there
For you to have and to hold
But only if you
Let me be
Set me free
Give me breath and life
If you try to tame me
I will run
I always do
I am not a possession
I am a woman
A gift sent from above
For you
You Kiss Me
By Andrea Tadpole
You kiss me
And I dream about you
For days
Our eyes meet
My heart takes flight
All I can think of is you
Holding me
Through the night
I long for you
When you’re not near
A piece of me is gone
Your touch
Lingers on my skin
Your scent
I can’t erase
Everything about you
Your stature
Your face
Drives me wild
With insatiable delight
You’re my soulmate
My lover
My best friend
You kiss me
And I dream about you
For days
Our eyes meet
My heart takes flight
All I can think of is you
Holding me
Through the night
I long for you
When you’re not near
A piece of me is gone
Your touch
Lingers on my skin
Your scent
I can’t erase
Everything about you
Your stature
Your face
Drives me wild
With insatiable delight
You’re my soulmate
My lover
My best friend
I Just Want A Lover, I Just Want A Friend
By Andrea Tadpole
Don’t ever try to pull me up
Unless somebody knocks me down
Just walk beside me
'Cause I like having you around
I don’t need a rescuer
I don't need a prince
I just want a lover
I just want a friend
You say I’m strong and independent
And while those things are true
I still need someone at times
To stand beside me
And lend an ear or hand
I do not want charity
Or patronization
I hate games
And dramatization
I don’t need a rescuer
I don't need a prince
I just want a lover
I just want a friend
With no agenda
No expectations
Let’s walk together
See where it begins and ends
I don’t have the answers
I never will
I just know we're not meant
To travel alone
So come with me
Embark on this journey
For as long as it lasts
Like I said
I don’t need a rescuer
I don't need a prince
I just want a lover
I just want a friend
Don’t ever try to pull me up
Unless somebody knocks me down
Just walk beside me
'Cause I like having you around
I don’t need a rescuer
I don't need a prince
I just want a lover
I just want a friend
You say I’m strong and independent
And while those things are true
I still need someone at times
To stand beside me
And lend an ear or hand
I do not want charity
Or patronization
I hate games
And dramatization
I don’t need a rescuer
I don't need a prince
I just want a lover
I just want a friend
With no agenda
No expectations
Let’s walk together
See where it begins and ends
I don’t have the answers
I never will
I just know we're not meant
To travel alone
So come with me
Embark on this journey
For as long as it lasts
Like I said
I don’t need a rescuer
I don't need a prince
I just want a lover
I just want a friend
Forever With You
by Andrea Tadpole
You burst into my life
Like an shooting star
My long lost prince
Come from afar
To take me away
Make me your bride
Beside you forever
Is where I’ll abide
With your smile you pulled me in
Like a magnet to my heart
From you
I will never part
I lay awake at night
Dream of you
Feel your breath on my neck
Your body pressed against mine
Your kiss on my lips
Tastes sweeter than wine
How long must I wait
For you to appear
When all I want
Is for you to be near
We steal sacred moments
Alone in the dark
With oceans between us
We’ve nowhere to park
At a screen with words
Worth more than gold
We plot and plan our future
And talk of growing old
Someday we say
We will walk hand in hand
In this life
Never feel sorrow
Or have any strife
Oh how I want to believe
You’re the man of my dreams
Yet here I wait hoping you really are true
That you’ll come take me away
Forever with you
You burst into my life
Like an shooting star
My long lost prince
Come from afar
To take me away
Make me your bride
Beside you forever
Is where I’ll abide
With your smile you pulled me in
Like a magnet to my heart
From you
I will never part
I lay awake at night
Dream of you
Feel your breath on my neck
Your body pressed against mine
Your kiss on my lips
Tastes sweeter than wine
How long must I wait
For you to appear
When all I want
Is for you to be near
We steal sacred moments
Alone in the dark
With oceans between us
We’ve nowhere to park
At a screen with words
Worth more than gold
We plot and plan our future
And talk of growing old
Someday we say
We will walk hand in hand
In this life
Never feel sorrow
Or have any strife
Oh how I want to believe
You’re the man of my dreams
Yet here I wait hoping you really are true
That you’ll come take me away
Forever with you
Nov 21, 2011
The Four Leaf Clover
When I was a little girl I used to spend hours and hours searching for four leaf clovers. I would lay in the yard all day and evening lost in my pursuit. Nothing else mattered. All the hurt and pain of my crazy life and the abuse would fade away when I was picking through the clover. When I would get tired of looking I would roll over on my back and watch the clouds. I loved to pick out shapes and animals. It was as if time stood still when I did that.
One evening I was watching the clouds right at sunset. The sky was a beautiful golden orange color. All at once it was as if the clouds were a gate and they opened. I saw a brightly lit figure. A man yet a spirit. I could not see his face because the light was so bright but I knew it was Jesus. I laid there for what seemed forever totally transfixed on Him. At total peace and in total awe. Finally this holy moment was broken by the sound of my mom calling me in for dinner. As I rolled over to get up I found a four leaf clover.
That day is forever etched in my mind. When life knocks me down I remember that moment. I call to mind the peace He gave me while I hunted for four leaf covers.
One evening I was watching the clouds right at sunset. The sky was a beautiful golden orange color. All at once it was as if the clouds were a gate and they opened. I saw a brightly lit figure. A man yet a spirit. I could not see his face because the light was so bright but I knew it was Jesus. I laid there for what seemed forever totally transfixed on Him. At total peace and in total awe. Finally this holy moment was broken by the sound of my mom calling me in for dinner. As I rolled over to get up I found a four leaf clover.
That day is forever etched in my mind. When life knocks me down I remember that moment. I call to mind the peace He gave me while I hunted for four leaf covers.
Aug 27, 2011
Smoldering
By Andrea Tadpole
I sit here smoldering
With thoughts of you
The passion we shared
Takes my breath away
Your scent lingers on me
Your sweet lips on my thighs
Your tender touch
I long to feel
I sit here smoldering
With thoughts of you
The passion we shared
Takes my breath away
Your scent lingers on me
Your sweet lips on my thighs
Your tender touch
I long to feel
Where Are You
By Andrea Tadpole
It's as if I don't exist
I'm trapped in a black abyss
Everyone says they love me
They will be there if I fall
Yet when I'm scared
Need someone's touch
There's no one there to call
Problems lie before me
They seem bigger
Than the world
No solution
Or resolution
Can't fix them
On my own
I know there is a God
That He loves me
Through and through
He has a plan to save me
But it most likely
Includes you
So where did you go
Your presence gone
Your touch withdrawn
My heart aches so
I cannot wait any longer
Must move on
And start anew
I guess it doesn't matter
Least of all
Not to you
It's as if I don't exist
I'm trapped in a black abyss
Everyone says they love me
They will be there if I fall
Yet when I'm scared
Need someone's touch
There's no one there to call
Problems lie before me
They seem bigger
Than the world
No solution
Or resolution
Can't fix them
On my own
I know there is a God
That He loves me
Through and through
He has a plan to save me
But it most likely
Includes you
So where did you go
Your presence gone
Your touch withdrawn
My heart aches so
I cannot wait any longer
Must move on
And start anew
I guess it doesn't matter
Least of all
Not to you
Aug 26, 2011
Sitting On the Porch
By Andrea Tadpole
Sitting on the porch
Throbbing with desire
Heart pounding
Wanting you so bad
Mind racing madly
Searching for a clue
As to why
You don't see me
Did I come on too fast
Push too hard
Open up too much
Not trying to grab you
Don't want to cling
Just want to experience
The moment
The now
With you
Is that wrong
Too much
Too soon
Too fast
What
I don't understand
Come here
Go away
You pull me close
Then push me away
I want to stay
Close to you
In your arms
Just for today
The future is uncertain
All that exists is now
If we hesitate
It's lost forever
Far beyond our grasp
Nothing lasts but this second
Please don't throw it all away
By letting fear get in the way
Maybe if we jump together
The fall
Won't hurt at all
Sitting on the porch
Throbbing with desire
Heart pounding
Wanting you so bad
Mind racing madly
Searching for a clue
As to why
You don't see me
Did I come on too fast
Push too hard
Open up too much
Not trying to grab you
Don't want to cling
Just want to experience
The moment
The now
With you
Is that wrong
Too much
Too soon
Too fast
What
I don't understand
Come here
Go away
You pull me close
Then push me away
I want to stay
Close to you
In your arms
Just for today
The future is uncertain
All that exists is now
If we hesitate
It's lost forever
Far beyond our grasp
Nothing lasts but this second
Please don't throw it all away
By letting fear get in the way
Maybe if we jump together
The fall
Won't hurt at all
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