Its Only You I Want to Hold

By Andrea Tadpole

Sitting in the silence
Watching thoughts of you
Float by

You've invaded me
Like a parasite
Viral and rapid
Impossible to deny

Was our meeting
By chance
Or divine appointment
From above

I cannot tell
All I know is
I cannot shake you
I've been conquered
By your love

I lay in bed at night
My imagination fired
Passions run wild
In the secret garden
Of my mind

It's only you
I want to hold

For My Granddaughters

By Andrea Tadpole

My grandma left this earth
Many years ago
Yet her voice and words are still alive
Deep within my soul

She taught me of integrity
And to always be true
To love and support my family
No matter what they do

I was young and dumb you see
And did not understand
The treasure God had given me
Right within my hands

My grandma's wisdom
Far surpassed her years
She did not mind speaking truth
Even if it brought me tears

While she was not perfect
Her love for me was strong and deep
She always said at night she prayed for me
And gladly sacrificed her sleep

I know that I'm alive today
Because of grandma's prayers

Now I myself am grandma
Almost fifty years of my life have passed
I understand my sacred task

When your fifty I won't be here
You'll be a grandma too
Will you remember
How we use to laugh and play
And all I taught you
Or will thoughts of me just fade away

I hope you don't forget me
And to each memory grab ahold
Tuck it deep inside your heart
For it is a treasure
Worth much more than gold
So many years from now
When I have gone away
If you need me I am there
Just sit still and listen

My voice and words are still alive
Deep within your soul
I love you forever
And I will never let you go

You Are Part of Me

By Andrea Tadpole

You are a part of me
You are the space
Between each breath I take
The reason my heart beats

Without you
Life was pointless and gray
With you
What can I say

You've given me a reason to live
Rekindled love in my heart again
What was once a dying ember
Is now a roaring flame

You are part of me
And will be
Now and forever

My Personal Vows

By Andrea Tadpole

Written 6/22/2001

I give myself to you unreservedly. I leave my old life behind and cleave unto a new life with you. As I embark on this journey with you I promise always to keep you in the forefront of my mind. I promise always to be loyal to you, even if that means personal sacrifice.

I will treat you with respect, dignity and gentleness. I will be there for you no matter what. When it looks like the world has walked out on you, I will be there right by your side. I will love you, encourage you, and support you in all that you do. I promise never to abandon you.

You do not always have to be strong and you do not have to do life alone anymore. You can rely on me. I will be a source of strength to you when you are weak.

I promise always to conduct myself in an honest and trustworthy manner, not only with you, but others. I promise to set special time aside to spend with you regularly. I promise to be attentive to your needs and feelings, I promise to listen to you even when we don't agree. When we do disagree I promise to “not let the sun go down on my wrath”. I promise to endeavor to live in a spirit of unity and compromise with you.

I give you my heart and all my love.

If I Died Tonight

By Andrea Tadpole

If I died tonight
Would you miss me
Would you have regrets
Things you should have said or done

Would you miss my smile
Crave my touch
In the very depths of your soul
Yet know that you’d never have it
That I’d never be there to hold

If I died tonight
Would your heart ache
And grasp desperately at any way
To cross the great divide
For just a second with me
With your arms open wide

Out of nowhere
Would you hear my voice
Calling out your name
Would you feel your heart leap
Maybe even look
Then remember I’m gone forever
I won’t be coming back again

Eternity is a long time
There are no overs
So why are you wasting your life
And why are you wasting mine

If I died tonight
How would you feel
Really
Stop for one minute and think
How would you feel

I guess I’m the only one that’s real
I live in the moment
I live in now
Sometimes that’s not pretty
Sometimes it’s not happy, joyous and free
It sucks
It’s just reality

See I understand
We don’t live forever
Today is all we have

If you need me
I’m there
I’ll listen
I’ll carry the burden with you
Because I know

If you died tonight
I’d miss you
You’re in my heart
Part of me would die too

If I died tonight
Would you miss me
Just asking
Just need to know
It seems like I'm not that special
Easily forgotten
Even easier to let go

I Have No Muse

NOTE: This was written several months ago. I am just now getting it added to my blog.

By Andrea Tadpole

I have no muse
I have decided

Maybe I’m wrong
I don’t know

Maybe it’s the whole world
The circumstances
That I find myself in
Situations that prick my heart
Make my soul bleed
Make me want to beg for breath

Maybe it’s the things that bring me
The greatest joy
And the deepest sorrow

Maybe it’s the events and moments
That I find so tantalizing to my mind
That I don’t know how to say it
Or put it into words

I’m an artist
I’m a painter
I’ve lost the use of my hand
I cannot paint reality anymore
I struggle so hard
I want more than anything
To paint what I see
Yet I’ve lost my voice
I’ve lost my brush

All I have left
Are mere words
And somehow
They’re not enough

To open up my heart
To put it on a canvas
The colors speak and say
What I feel

But words
They aren’t enough

And yet I keep trying to write
To show you who I am
If you would just read and listen
You’d see my soul
You’d see my heart
You’d see my mind

But why don’t you take the time
Why don’t you let me in

I feel like I’ve lost my muse
I know I did

His heart was beautiful
And strong and true
Eyes blue as the sky
Touch deep as the ocean
Kiss sweeter than any sugar on earth
Yet he won’t let me in
My heart is broken

So here I am once again
Writing a damned poem about it
That nobody will ever read
It doesn’t matter

So easily forgotten
That’s me
Always am

So I sit with my paper
And I write

No one listens
No one reads

Just silly words
Just stupid feelings
So much for me

I have no muse
What does it matter
Who cares what I see

I Am A Woman

By Andrea Tadpole

Do not try to possess me
For in the pursuit of me
You will lose me

I am not an object
To obtain
I am a woman
To experience

Do not try to rein me in
Or dress me like a doll
I’m not a trinket on your arm
Not just a hole to stick it in

I am a being
With a heart and spirit
I have a mind
I am alive

Do not try to contain me
For I cannot be subdued
Let me run
Wild and free

When you do
I will return
To the seat of your soul
Like your missing rib
I will be there
For you to have and to hold

But only if you
Let me be
Set me free
Give me breath and life

If you try to tame me
I will run
I always do

I am not a possession
I am a woman
A gift sent from above
For you

You Kiss Me

By Andrea Tadpole

You kiss me
And I dream about you
For days

Our eyes meet
My heart takes flight
All I can think of is you
Holding me
Through the night

I long for you
When you’re not near
A piece of me is gone

Your touch
Lingers on my skin
Your scent
I can’t erase

Everything about you
Your stature
Your face
Drives me wild
With insatiable delight

You’re my soulmate
My lover
My best friend

I Just Want A Lover, I Just Want A Friend

By Andrea Tadpole

Don’t ever try to pull me up
Unless somebody knocks me down
Just walk beside me
'Cause I like having you around

I don’t need a rescuer
I don't need a prince
I just want a lover
I just want a friend

You say I’m strong and independent
And while those things are true
I still need someone at times
To stand beside me
And lend an ear or hand

I do not want charity
Or patronization
I hate games
And dramatization

I don’t need a rescuer
I don't need a prince
I just want a lover
I just want a friend

With no agenda
No expectations
Let’s walk together
See where it begins and ends

I don’t have the answers
I never will
I just know we're not meant
To travel alone

So come with me
Embark on this journey
For as long as it lasts
Like I said

I don’t need a rescuer
I don't need a prince
I just want a lover
I just want a friend

Forever With You

by Andrea Tadpole

You burst into my life
Like an shooting star
My long lost prince
Come from afar

To take me away
Make me your bride
Beside you forever
Is where I’ll abide

With your smile you pulled me in
Like a magnet to my heart
From you
I will never part

I lay awake at night
Dream of you
Feel your breath on my neck
Your body pressed against mine
Your kiss on my lips
Tastes sweeter than wine

How long must I wait
For you to appear
When all I want
Is for you to be near

We steal sacred moments
Alone in the dark
With oceans between us
We’ve nowhere to park

At a screen with words
Worth more than gold
We plot and plan our future
And talk of growing old

Someday we say
We will walk hand in hand
In this life
Never feel sorrow
Or have any strife

Oh how I want to believe
You’re the man of my dreams
Yet here I wait hoping you really are true
That you’ll come take me away
Forever with you

The Four Leaf Clover

When I was a little girl I used to spend hours and hours searching for four leaf clovers. I would lay in the yard all day and evening lost in my pursuit. Nothing else mattered. All the hurt and pain of my crazy life and the abuse would fade away when I was picking through the clover. When I would get tired of looking I would roll over on my back and watch the clouds. I loved to pick out shapes and animals. It was as if time stood still when I did that.

One evening I was watching the clouds right at sunset. The sky was a beautiful golden orange color. All at once it was as if the clouds were a gate and they opened. I saw a brightly lit figure. A man yet a spirit. I could not see his face because the light was so bright but I knew it was Jesus. I laid there for what seemed forever totally transfixed on Him. At total peace and in total awe. Finally this holy moment was broken by the sound of my mom calling me in for dinner. As I rolled over to get up I found a four leaf clover.

That day is forever etched in my mind. When life knocks me down I remember that moment. I call to mind the peace He gave me while I hunted for four leaf covers.

Smoldering

By Andrea Tadpole

I sit here smoldering
With thoughts of you
The passion we shared
Takes my breath away
Your scent lingers on me
Your sweet lips on my thighs
Your tender touch
I long to feel

Where Are You

By Andrea Tadpole

It's as if I don't exist
I'm trapped in a black abyss
Everyone says they love me
They will be there if I fall
Yet when I'm scared
Need someone's touch
There's no one there to call

Problems lie before me
They seem bigger
Than the world

No solution
Or resolution
Can't fix them
On my own

I know there is a God
That He loves me
Through and through
He has a plan to save me
But it most likely
Includes you

So where did you go
Your presence gone
Your touch withdrawn
My heart aches so

I cannot wait any longer
Must move on
And start anew
I guess it doesn't matter
Least of all
Not to you

Sitting On the Porch

By Andrea Tadpole

Sitting on the porch
Throbbing with desire
Heart pounding
Wanting you so bad

Mind racing madly
Searching for a clue
As to why
You don't see me

Did I come on too fast
Push too hard
Open up too much

Not trying to grab you
Don't want to cling
Just want to experience
The moment
The now
With you

Is that wrong
Too much
Too soon
Too fast
What

I don't understand
Come here
Go away
You pull me close
Then push me away

I want to stay
Close to you
In your arms
Just for today

The future is uncertain
All that exists is now
If we hesitate
It's lost forever
Far beyond our grasp

Nothing lasts but this second
Please don't throw it all away
By letting fear get in the way

Maybe if we jump together
The fall
Won't hurt at all

On the River Bridge

by Andrea Tadpole On the river bridge Wishing you were here Holding my hand Kissing me Caressing me Talking about nothing Spending time together With no agenda Just to be I sit and wait But you don't call Seems I don't even Cross your mind Was it real Did we make love Share the ultimate gift Explode together with passion Or was it all a dream A silly fantasy The one I want The most Is the furthest From my reach What are you afraid of Why do you shut me out And run away When all I want Is for you to stay Everyone else is invited In your life Yet I am held at bay I know where I'm not wanted Seems I just Get in the way So there's nothing Left to say

Begging for Crumbs

by Andrea Tadpole I realized last night I have wasted my life Sitting under the table Begging for crumbs That never come When God has a banquet Prepared in another Space and time I'm not sure why It has taken me so long To release myself from The pain of rejection That comes from waiting For little scraps of Attention Affection Just some little sign That never appears Yet now that the scales That blinded me Have lifted I've set myself free No more It ends here Now I'm not wasting my life Waiting under a table Begging for crumbs That never come

My One and Only Muse

by Andrea Tadpole My one and only Muse When I watch you From afar Passion envelopes me You have invaded me You occupy my mind When our eyes meet Two universes collide New stars are born My creativity is fired In levels I never knew When we aren't together I imagine your ways Your sky blue eyes flash When you smile at me My heart skips a beat Your rough hands Touch so tenderly Your lips are soft and sweet Insatiable desire Stirs deep within me I am left with mere words To convey the feelings You ignite inside me My one and only Muse

2:30 In the Morning

by Andrea Tadpole

2:30 in the morning

Should be sleeping

Yet cannot stop

Thinking about you

The way you look at me

From across the room

The way I feel when our eyes meet

You touch me

It lights a fire within me

You kiss me

My knees go weak

You whisper in my ear

Sending tingles down my spine

You're an unexpected treasure

A rare jewel tossed aside

Yet here you are

In front of me

A precious gift

Sent from above

Listening to Some Old Timer Blather

by Andrea Tadpole

Sitting here
Listening to some old timer blather
Just wish he'd shut up
Sit down
Put a sock in his mouth

He's a liar
A fraud
Sure not a winner
Always preying
On young girl beginners

What the Hell
Did he ignore the steps
Fucking sicko
I'd like to wring his neck

Years of sobriety
Dont mean shit
When one never
Changes the way
That they live

Guess the lesson
I've learned is
How not to be
Real in a meeting

Fuck it
I'm outa here
I'm done
Walking away
Before I vomit

So Far Away

by Andrea Tadpole Time goes slowly When you're So far away My mind's eye sees Your sexy smile I imagine Your tender touch Want to call you Just say hi Yet I know you need This time alone So I sit here imagining Your return Hope you wrap me In your arms Kiss me long With passion Hope the time So far away Doesn't make you Forget me