Dec 21, 2012

Letter to Sedrick 12/21/2012

by Andrea Tadpole

Sedrick,

I was lying in bed last night thinking about the last year and what all our little family (you, me, Alicia and the girls) have been through. I wanted to tell you this:

I know that your life is not perfect. I know that there is so much more that you long for. We all do. However, STOP for one moment and look at where you were at last year and where you are now. I remember. You were encamped with the enemy, all for the undying love for your little girl. I watched you have your heart ripped out by ones who supposedly loved you. I watched you lose everything.

Yet, I have watched persevere through it all. I have watched you learn to rebuild from the holocaust of divorce. I have watched you continue to be an awesome father to your little girl. I have watched you walk through the heart attack you had and face your own immortality with dignity.

You may think there is no hope. You may think you are a failure. You may think you will never find "the one" and be alone forever. Those are all lies.

See, Sedrick, in many ways you are my hero and my beacon of hope. I am so proud of you. God truly blessed me when He let me be your mom. So, stop for a minute, thank God that He has brought you through and give yourself a little pat on the back because you deserve it.

I love you forever!

~Mom~

Dec 20, 2012

Grandpa Shelby

by Andrea Tadpole

I am thinking about my grandpa Shelby Morrison today. He died many years ago. His birthday is today. I don't remember how old he would have been but it does not matter. He will always be alive in my heart.

On the outside he was big and clumsy. People often assumed he was an oaf and stupid. Boy were the wrong! Turn on some good music and he could dance like Fred Astair. My favorite memory of him is dancing in the livingroom with me and him twirling me around.

He was a quiet man and he worked hard at the railroad as a switchman most of his life. On the side he had a concession business. He sold snow cones, cotton candy and other stuff. He also sold balloons at all the area Christmas parades. He was a shrewd business man and wise beyond his years.

He was a good man and loved the Lord. He always gave food to the hungry, shelter to the homeless and clothes to the naked. He never judged anyone. He just loved people. My grandma always said he took in stray people instead of stray dogs. I only hope to be as good as him.

Every one in the neighborhood knew him as the snowcone man. To me, he was my grandpa and I loved him dearly.

I miss you grandpa! Keep watch over my grandbabies and other loved ones till I get there! I'm still dancing!!

Love you!!!  ~Andi~

Dec 14, 2012

Butterflies

by Andrea Tadpole

Everywhere I turn
I see butterflies
As if you are saying
Hi
I'm still here

An ever present
Reminder of
The brevity of life
The beauty
And wonder
Encapsulated in
The flutter of
Angel's wings

In 11 minutes
You captured me
Emersed me
In your love
Etched your spirit
On my heart
Forever

The years may pass
But you will never be
Forgotten

Every time
I see a butterfly
Your brought
Back to life
For me
Again and again
I remember
How you fought
To stay with us
And how your
Spirit filled the room
With light
Brighter than
The sun

Merry Christmas
My sweet little butterfly
I love you
Forever

Dec 13, 2012

Fall

I heard this song last night the touched me like no other has in a long time, the lyrics are beautiful…

Fall

by Clay Walker

Oh, look, there you go again
Puttin' on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin' this and doin' that
Always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby, fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that's wrong and all that's right Lay your head on my shoulder, and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, baby, its okay

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

Hold on, hold on,
Hold on to me

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

Here is the link to Tate Stevens singing it on XFactor:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KzIO8CUUhM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Dec 11, 2012

Happy Mother's Day Momma

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is my all time favorite that he wrote just for me many years ago!!

Watch "Happy Mother's Day Momma by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Kaylee's Song

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "Kaylee's Song by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Cistern

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "Cistern by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Listen to Our Hearts

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "Listen to Our Heart by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

My Heart Yearns

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "My Heart Yearns by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Weakness

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:
Watch "Weakness by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Dec 10, 2012

Elaine

by Andrea Tadpole

Today is my 50th birthday and I found myself rushing across town on my lunch break to pick up a package from my best friend, Elaine. It occurred to me on the crazy drive over that I did it because it's all about the connection I have with her. She lives hundreds of miles away in Pennsylvania, yet she has been my friend for over 20 years. After she moved from Tulsa several years ago, we remained friends and she has been my lifeline over the phone.

She is 20 years older than me biologically and I am 5 years older than her in sobriety. See, I took her to her first meeting and I really had no idea whether she would stay sober or not. Honestly, I thought all was lost and she was beyond all hope. I just knew she could not be saved. Yet, I was given the glorious gift of getting to watch her rebirth. Over the last 20 years I have watched God fashion her into a mighty, beautiful woman. She has grown in stature and strength. To be given the gift of watching her grow in sobriety is a rare treasure. The wisdom, love and brutal honesty she has given me along the way are worth more to me than all the riches in the world.

Over the years we have laughed and cried, we have cussed and screamed when life has kicked us in the teeth, yet we have kept trudging together. There was, at one point, a period of months when we did not talk at all. Looking back I can see that my life got too dramatic for anyone to handle and I understand why she stepped back now. But we eventually reconnected and our friendship survived. We are brutally honest with each other. I think that is what has held us together.

The longest term relationship I have ever had is with her. It is one I will treasure for the rest of my life. Elaine I love you, thank you for the gift. I hope we see each other again soon!

Fifty

by Andrea Tadpole

Wow!! I'm sitting here on my 50th birthday at 12:07am. I am both grateful and stunned that I've lived this long. I keep counting the years and thinking I must have added wrong. Yet I didn't. Here I am. I'm 50. I've lived half a century. It blows my mind!

I have spent my life hurrying to get to one age or another. I could not wait to get to 16 so I could drive. I wanted freedom so bad and 16 symbolized that for me. Then there was 18. I wanted to be an adult so I could call my own shots and not answer to anyone. Of course I wanted to be 21 so I could get in a bar or liquor store without having to lie.

Then I got sober at 23. It was as if time stood still in a way. I stopped counting days to the next age and just lived for today. I focused on my recovery from alcoholism. I worked the steps and tried to set my life right. I did not do everything perfect but through God's grace I celebrated 26 years of sobriety this past July.

I got busy focusing on raising my family. Looking back I don't think I did a very good job of it, but I put my whole heart into it. God blessed me with the most wonderful son and daughter a mother could ever have. There are not enough words in the English language to describe the depth of love and pride I have a for them. It seems like just when I got the hang of being a mom they grew up and moved away. A day does not go by that I don't long for the the sound of my son's music in the background and my daughter chattering away to me about something. Those are lost moments that I blurred through with the busyness of life and now I treasure with everything.

I spent my 40s getting my college education that everyone said I wasn't smart enough to do. I followed my heart, my passion and I got a degree in art. I graduated Summa Cum Laude. I also earned a 4.0 GPA while I got an MBA. I even surprised myself! I don't have much to show for all my education but I KNOW I DID IT! I loved every minute of college. I realized I love to learn. I believe that learning keeps my mind sharp and it keeps me young.

In the middle of all that came my grandchildren. Oh what an awesome, awesome gift and surprise my granddaughters are. I have 4 of them. Each of them are exquisite and beautiful jewels. They make my heart sing and keep me young. They bring me the greatest joy because I don't have to be anybody special with them. I just have to be me and love them. They have no idea the depth of love I have for them. I only hope that I am able to impart a tenth of the wisdom that my grandparents gave to me. How else will they survive in a world that I will never see?

When I was younger I had a plan for my life and I had an idea of where I should be at each stage in my head. Problem is I never planned past the age of 25... I really thought I'd never live past that. Yet here I am! OMFG! I AM 50!

I have a million thoughts running through my head. I have the shouldas. You know the ones that say you shoulda done this or you shoulda done that? Then there's the couldas. You know how those go...why was I so stupid? I coulda done this or I coulda done that? Last but not least the oughtas. I oughta be this or I oughta do that. I could write all these thoughts out but I'm sure that you know what they are.

There's a part of me that wants to panic because I think OMG I've lived most of my life. In the grand scheme of things I don't have much time left. I have so much more living to do. How am I going to cram it all into 20 or 30 years? I also think about the responsibility I have to my children and grandchildren. I think of all the things that I need to teach them. I think of all the things that my grandma taught me. Things that took her a lifetime to teach me. I hope I didn't get started too late.

I have more questions today than answers and I'm okay with that. See, I finally figured out I don't have to know everything. I just have to be open to God. I have to trust Him and follow the path where He leads even when the road is twisty-windy and I'm afraid. I have found some of the most beautiful gifts in the weirdest twists along the path in my life. I believe that's when God has taken my screw ups and made them into something awesome.

The last year and a half has been difficult yet good. I've done a lot of growing. I have ended some relationships and started new ones. The most important relationship I have started is one with myself. For the first time in my life I've lived alone. No man. No children. Just me. I think I finally figured out how to take care of myself. I finally understand what "I am responsible for my own happiness" means. Most of the time when I am unhappy it is because I am not being true to myself. I am busy trying to people please to make someone else happy at my own expense. As long as I stay true to who I really am, I am at peace within myself and I am happy.

God has blessed me with good friends and with people that I love with all my heart. I hope they are there in my future. Time will tell. A good friend of mine told me one time that it's okay to plan for the future just write it in pencil and carry a big eraser. Yet there are some people in my life that I want to write in with a sharpy marker so they will never leave. Like I said time will tell. ;-)

One last thought...I am a lot like my grandmother Lillian who is still living at over 90 years old. She is still very active and has her mind about her. She is a very fiesty, strong and independent woman. She told me that age is just a number. That if we think we're old we will act old no matter what our age is. I for one refuse to get old. I don't care what is socially acceptable or unacceptable for anybody at 50 years of age or older to do or not do. I am going to do whatever I want the way I want. If I want to dress crazy I'm going to dress crazy. If I want to do my hair weird I'm going to do my hair weird. If I wanna go dance in the street I'm going to go dance in the street. If you don't like it don't watch. I'm going to be like my grandma and I'm going to LIVE every moment I have left until the day I die. So if you're one of my intimate friends or family members, humor me, come along with me and enjoy the ride!

Dec 4, 2012

Lying Here Beside You

by Andrea Tadpole

Lying here beside you
Watching you sleep
Thinking you're an angel
I hope I get to keep

Passions ignited
In ways unknown to me
Never thought
I'd see the day
My dream
Would come to be

Your heart is
Bright and beautiful
It takes my
Breath away
Your spirit
Strong yet gentle
In everything
You do

You mind is sharp
Your word is true
Your wise beyond
Your years

Your smile contagious
Your laughter infectious

Oh my God
I'm so
In love with you

Surely you're an angel
Sent from God above
For when
All hope was lost
I was throwing
In the towel
You swept me up
In your strong arms
And gave me life anew

Lying here beside you
Watching you sleep
Feeling you touch me
In places oh so deep
Knowing that I'm safe
As long as
I'm next to you

Thinking you're an angel
I hope I get to keep

Nov 27, 2012

Lost In A Fog

by Andrea Tadpole

Lost in a fog
A daze
Of wasted time
And spent
Emotion

Trying to find
My way
But I'm blinded
By an
Ocean

Consumed with
Regrets
About what
Shoulda been
Fears
Of what
Could be

If only I could
Clear my mind
And find a
Guiding light

Maybe then
There'd be an
End to this long
Dark night

Then I would
Be free
From the ache
That's deep within

I could once
More embrace
My world
To rise and
Live again

Nov 25, 2012

Why I Love Elephants and Michael Jackson

A lot of people never knew what an awesome writer Michael Jackson was. His poetry and essays spoke volumes to me. Here is one of his essays that describes why I have been captivated by elephants for my entire life. Enjoy!

So The Elephants March

by Michael Jackson

A curious fact about elephants is this: In order to survive, they mustn't fall down. Every other animal can stumble and get back up again. But an elephant always stands up, even to sleep. If one of the herd slips and falls, it is helpless. It lies on its side, a prisoner of its own weight. Although the other elephants will press close around it in distress and try to lift it up again, there isn't usually much they can do. With slow heaving breaths, the fallen elephant dies. The others stand vigil, then slowly move on.

This is what I learned from nature books, but I wonder if they are right. Isn't there another reason why elephants can't fall down? Perhaps they have decided not to. Not to fall down is their mission.

As the wisest and most patient of the animals, they made a pact -- I imagine it was eons ago, when the ice ages were ending. Moving in great herds across the face of the earth, the elephants first spied tiny men prowling the tall grasses with their flint spears."What fear and anger this creature has," the elephants thought." But he is going to inherit the earth. We are wise enough to see that. Let us set an example for him." 

Then the elephants put their grizzled heads together and pondered. What kind of example could they show to man? They could show him that their power was much greater that his, for that was certainly true. They could display their anger before him, which was terrible enough to uproot whole forests. Or they could lord it over man through fear, trampling his fields and crushing his huts. In moments of great frustration, wild elephants will do all of these things, but as a group, putting their heads together, they decided that man would learn best from a kinder message. 

"Let us show him our reverence for life," they said. And from that day on, elephants have been silent, patient, peaceful creatures. They let men ride them and harness them like slaves. They permit children to laugh at their tricks in the circus, exiled from the great African plains where they once lived as lords.

But the elephants' most important message is in their movement. For they know that to live is to move. Dawn after dawn, age after age, the herds march on, one great mass of life that never falls down, an unstoppable force of peace.

Innocent animals, they do not suspect that after all this time, they will fall from a bullet by the thousands. They will lie in the dust, mutilated by our shameless greed. The great males fall first, so that their tusks can be made into trinkets. Then the females fall, so that men may have trophies.The babies run screaming from the smell of their own mothers' blood, but it does them no good to run from the guns. Silently, with no one to nurse them, they will die, too, and all their bones bleach in the sun. In the midst of so much death, the elephants could just give up. All they have to do is drop to the ground. That is enough. They don't need a bullet: Nature has given them the dignity to lie down and find their rest. But they remember their ancient pact and their pledge to us, which is sacred.

So the elephants march on, and every tread beats out words in the dust: "Watch, learn, love. Watch, learn, love." Can you hear them? One day in shame, the ghosts of ten thousand lords of the plains will say, "We do not hate you. Don't you see at last? We were willing to fall, so that you, dear small ones, will never fall again."

Nov 24, 2012

Dancing All Alone

by Andrea Tadpole

I'm so tired of
Dancing all alone
I feel like my heart
Doesn't have
A home

I go out
On the weekends
To find release
In the rhythm
Of the beat
Hoping it will
Soothe the ache
Set me free

Yet I'm always
Reminded
That I'm
Dancing alone
When the slow dance
Comes
And I've no one
To hold

Its as if I'm
Invisible
Nobody sees
That I just want
A partner
To dance with me

Nov 10, 2012

Someone To Hold On To

I just need
Someone to
Hold on to
When life throws
Me for a spin
I don't know where
It begins or ends
And the answers
Don't come from within

Just need strong arms
To grasp me
Never let me go
Hold me through
The long dark night
When I feel alone
Find no strength within
Need an anchor
When storm clouds roll

Just be there
Hold me
Let me fall apart
With you

In your arms
I find the
Peace and strength
To stand up again

Nov 7, 2012

Response to White Devil Comment on Facebook

I sure hope I'm not included as one of those white devils in your diatribe. You know I'm not racist. While I agree with the spirit of what you are saying, African Americans are not the only race that has been disenfranchised in our nation's history.

Lets not forget the OUTRIGHT EXTERMINATION of Native Americans...all in the selfish pursuit of land. It breaks my heart to think that MY ANCESTORS died being forced to leave their homes and walk across this country in the dead of winter when the federal government took their homes away. Funny everyone so easily forgets that.

As for myself personally, I am disenfranchised and discriminated against every day by employers, government officials, businesses and individuals because I am disabled. Don't start preaching about ADA laws to me either. They are worthless because most officials refuse to enforce them. I am treated like a stupid deaf girl everywhere I turn. I could bring you to tears with stories of outright public humiliation I have endured. Yet when I have sought help by officials, attorneys, dept of justice, etc. NO ONE WAS THERE.

The reality is until we ALL drop our blinders and embrace the differences in everyone no matter what our race, religion, creed, sexual preference, disability or ability, class, etc we are still doomed. Until we drop our sad stories (me included), stop living in the past and UNITE for the future we will never get any better as a nation no matter who the president is.

Thankful List 2012

Everyone is posting a daily thing they are thankful for on Facebook so I figured if you can't beat em join em...my thankful list all at once since I'm too busy to stop every day (I never follow the rules anyway)

1. God, AA and my sobriety
2. My daddy for being there for me
3. My son Sedrick Zelsnack. I only hope to be as wonderful as him when I grow up! Oh and his music is awesome :)
4. My daughter Alicia Zelsnack. She is beautiful, sweet and a awesome mother. I adore her!!
4. My granddaughter Destiny who has given me a reason to keep going when things get tough.
5. My granddaughter Kaylee who has shown me the true meaning of love.
6. My granddaughter Bella whose artwork makes my heart sing!
7. My granddaughter Courtney who always reminds me to laugh!
8. Old doors closing
9. New doors opening
10. A good job
11. My best friend Elaine Lamont. She has been a voice of wisdom and there when no one else was.
12. My new friend Lindsey Vandeventer. Can't wait to see what the future holds!
13. Music...the healing balm to my weary soul
14. Art...because it gives me a way to express myself
15. My sponsor Gail for hanging in there with me all these years!
16. My ex husbands for teaching me what I DON'T WANT in a relationship
17. Dancing...it has set my spirit free!
18. A place to live that's warm and safe. Some of my friends don't have that right now :(
19. Food to eat...this time last year I didn't have any.
20. Peace of mind and hope
21. Passion...life would be so boring without it!
22. Love...for without love none of the other stuff matters!

Happy Turkey Day to all!!

Oct 20, 2012

Forgiveness

This is an answer to my son's question posted in Facebook. He wanted to know if we asked God for forgiveness for a sin we were about to commit, would God forgive us. Here is my answer:

Forgiveness

By Andrea Tadpole

What if your daughter did that? Would you forgive her? While you would not shelter her from the consequences of her actions I suspect that you would forgive her because you love her so deeply and unconditionally. Forgiveness is not about US as people. Forgiveness is about GOD and WHO HE IS. He loves us because of WHO HE IS not because we are perfect enough. He loves us in spite of our humanity.

I refuse to believe that God plays mind f*** games with us like that. You know...give us free will then impose rigid rules impossible to follow so that He can slap us down when we falter? No way! God loves us and FORGAVE before we were conceived. Why else would He have sacrificed His only son?

I don't mean to brow beat you Sedrick. Just sharing what I believe. See, your MY SON, my firstborn. I never knew what unconditional love was till I held you in my arms. There is NOTHING that you could ever do to separate my love from you. I forgave you of anything you ever do (assuming I have that ability - that's another discussion for another day) before you were born even though I didn't know it at the time. That's what unconditional love is. Its a bond like no other. I believe that God's love is lifetimes stronger.

I'm sure your other FB friends will chime in and slam my comments to hell and back with Biblical references and religious dogma. That's cool discussion helps one clarify what and why we believe things. But, in the end, listen to your OWN heart. The answer is there deep within. Let the Holy Spirit guide you. I love you to infinity ~Mom~