My Inner Child

My Inner Child 

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

5/5/24

My inner child is the deepest part of my spirit and mind. 

It is the never-ending excitement and imagination that comes from pure Spirit and the indescribable love of God.

It is that little girl who believed that anything was possible and that everybody in her world loved her.

She is the one who trusted everyone. She was fearless and would try anything. She loved to create things and solve problems.

She was the one who loved to sit with her Daddy in the evening and build cars on a little assembly line of parts and pieces that he got for her. 

She is the little girl who always felt she was safe with her family until the reality of the dysfunction she lived in settled upon her. 

She is the one inside of me that still lurks in the shadows and peaks her head out to the light once in a while when she feels safe enough to.

She is the one who has been deep inside me my whole life, like a silent scream begging for attention.

The one whose innocence was stolen before she even knew how to talk. That innocent part of me that was not protected by those who supposedly loved me the most.

She is the one who I went back in time and rescued and brought her back to the light so many years ago.

She is the one that I protect with fierce, unending loyalty and unconditional love. She is the one that I am the greatest cheerleader for.

She is the part of me that carries the most phenomenal and gorgeous light.

She is the one who will turn my dream into a reality.

Someday, when my old body is tired and worn, she will be the one who will lead me home to the arms of God, where I came from so many lifetimes ago.

More Thoughts On Grief

Something I wrote about grief for a friend. I''m pretty sure I wrote it for myself too...

More Thoughts On Grief

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

2/19/25

I understand how you feel. There is nothing worse than seeing someone we love so deeply die and we can do nothing to stop it. It breaks us in places most people have no clue about. I am not going to lie and tell you it will get better. Because honestly, it takes a long time for the heart ache and everything to quiet to a dull roar. Well, at least it's taken a long time for me.

There are days that I actually think I'm doing pretty good and I manage to scrape out a little happiness. Then, out of nowhere, blam! All the grief and heartache hits me like a tidal wave. On those days, I just have to hang on to my life jacket AKA God and pray my ass off until the stormy seas are calm again.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of someone we love so deeply. My experience has been and still is that we just have to walk it out. It's a journey with no destination that we must we walk alone. That does not mean that no one is there for us, it just means that it's something we have to do alone within our heart. Nobody can reach that but us. I hope that makes sense.

I've been having a little bit of a rough time myself lately. The anniversary of my dad's death was February 11th. He's been gone 3 years. I held his hand and gazed into his eyes until he took his last breath. Sometimes it feels like he's been gone 3 days and sometimes it feels like 3,000 years. I miss him more than I know how to say. I lost my stepmom on January 20th and my beloved cat right behind that.

People tell me that I am too defensive and abrasive right now. I want to scream, "Try walking my shoes for a day you jerk!" But I don't. I just swallow the sorrow and keep moving. I'm not saying I don't have good days. I do. But on the days that sorrow is right there in my throat, I just have to feel my way through it and hang on to the Lord.

Sorry I went on and on, I just totally get where you're at. I can guarantee you this, we have two days in our life that we have no control over and no one else does either. That is the day we are born and the day we die. Only God has control of that. So, even though I know the guilt will nip it your heels for a while, it was not your fault and you did everything you could. The love you shared with Randy is not gone. It's still there alive and well. The hard part is being apart. But I promise you Randy would tell you to stop beating yourself up because he knew you loved him and you did all you could.

My heart and prayers are with you! Message me if you need to talk I'm here. 😢💜🙏🏼

Writing

Writing

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

2/18/25

I have thought quite a bit about what I am about to convey on the subject of writing today. I decided to divorce my mind from grammatical perfection and simply write my heart. This is not a target towards any person or group. It is simply me, my authentic self, sharing my heart about what writing means to me. Those who know and truly love me unconditionally will understand and I owe them no explanation. Those who don't will fade away. So here goes...

I am very passionate about writing

Before I could walk or talk I had a pencil in my hand

I would draw and attempt to copy what my dad wrote all the time

I wrote on anything and everything 

I got in trouble alot for that

I could write sentences before I started school

So one could say that writing was my first language 

Over the years writing has become a

Constant companion for me

I do not write physically with pen and paper much anymore 

That is because my hands shake and I cannot read it later 

I type mostly on my phone 

I do not share everything I write with everyone

I keep it in a blog for my kids and grandkids 

So they will have it when I am on the other side

Hopefully many, many years from now

Writing has been the underpinning of my life 

The very foundation of my journey in sobriety 

Writing has shown me how to live life sober

It has been my constant companion

It has been there when the whole world walked away

It has been the tool that brought me clarity Whether it is short or long writing is like my life jacket 

It keeps my head above the waves in life’s storms 

When I feel like the tool that has kept me alive is threatened 

Or I will be subjected to judgment or limitations 

I feel afraid and deeply hurt

If I am told to limit characters 

I feel like I am being told to dim my light 

I do not think about how many words I write 

I just write

I write because it is cathartic 

It untangles the chaos in my mind 

Sometimes it is beautiful 

Most often it is messy and ugly

Yet I coninue to write 

Because if I cannot write and be real 

Without fear of being too short or long 

If I cannot write without being told to 

Dim my light 

Then I will lose me 

If I lose me 

I lose everything 

So I will continue to

Protect my voice

Protect my light 

Protect who I am 

And keep writing

Because I unapologetically

Love to write

Thoughts About My Daddy on Valentines Day

Thoughts About My Daddy on Valentines Day

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

2/14/25

I have come to understand that the definition of a soulmate is not necessarily a lover. One of the greatest soulmates in my life was my Daddy. I loved him very much when he was alive, but the last 3 years since he transitioned to the other side have made me realize the depth of the love we shared and still share today. I was there when he took his last breath. I held his hand and I told him to go home and I'd meet him there soon. 

At that moment in my life I realized that time here on Earth is nothing like time on the other side. So I truly will meet him again soon on the other side. Yet, I know that it will be quite while in the time frame I live in here on Earth. That is because I have more work to do here.

I saw this picture in a post and it made me think of my Dad. I know when I get to the edge and jump to the other side, he will be there to catch me. I know he's around me in spirit because he sends me signs every day. Yet, my heart longs to hear his voice and feel his hand in mine. 

It is strange the things we remember when someone we love so deeply is gone. The last month of my Dad's life, when I would visit him in the hospital every evening, all he wanted to do was hold my hand and watch television. I'd give anything to sit and hold hands and watch television with him now!!

A sacred and beautiful memory was brought back to life in my heart and mind tonight. For that, I am truly grateful. 

Happy Valentines Day! I love you my dear Daddy! ❤️

Bible or Not

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard

1/23/25

This is something I wrote in response to a discussion on Facebook about Trump not putting his hand on the Bible when he was sworn into office on January 20, 2025.

1. I am a Christian. I am not a “conservative” nor am I a “liberal”. Unlike most people in this country, I use my mind and brain to study everything and come up with my own conclusions. I certainly do not believe anything that any media organization spews out. They are only framing things in their own way to get their own agenda across and most of it is not true. The truth is always perverted a little or a lot to make the sheeple follow them. I am not a sheeple.

2. On some things I am very conservative and on others I am more liberal. So, I think I fall somewhere in the middle of everything, while the rest of this country is too busy hating anybody that opposes their line of thinking. And we wonder why we have all the problems we have now?! Everyone hates each other because they do not have the same viewpoint. This country was founded by people who unified despite their differences. If we do not get back to that we are doomed.

3. There is a saying that I absolutely love about being a Christian. It is, “Sitting in a church pew does not make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage will turn you into a car.” Sadly, most churches are whitewashed tombs. By that I mean they are full of a bunch of hypocrites that only look pretty on Sundays and treat others like crap the rest of the time. The worst of them are the pastors. That is why I refuse to participate in organized religion. If Jesus sat down in a church today there would be a unified mob of conservatives and liberals throwing him out because He does not look good enough. They would not recognize Jesus if he stood right in front of them because they are so busy hating anyone who does not subscribe to their political beliefs. Most so-called Christians today, whether liberal, conservative or somewhere in the middle have forgotten all about what Jesus taught…LOVE.

4. Putting your hand on a Bible does not make someone a Christian. It just looks good on the news. Even the Bible says that you will know a person by the fruits they bear. People put their hands on a Bible every day in courtrooms across this country and swear to tell the truth. Then they coldly look people in the eye and lie on the stand. Same goes with politics. So, putting your hand on the Bible does not really matter, does it? To me it is more about how you live your life and how you treat others.

5. At the end of the day, politicians really do not give a shit about us little people. Every one of them, on all sides and even in the middle, only care about their agenda and securing their position. They do not really care about anything but themselves.

6. During the inauguration Monday, while everyone else was busy spewing hatred at each other because they had differing beliefs and ideas, I found my beloved stepmother in her home alone where she had passed away in the bathtub. I could frankly give two craps about what anyone thinks about anything right now. I am living a nightmare because I lost my best friend. I frankly think all the rhetoric and bs on ALL SIDES needs to stop!! We need to get back to loving one another instead of hating each other. My heart is breaking and I can barely breathe most days.

7.  I am trying to plan a funeral while everyone else is worried about whether somebody put their hand on a Bible or not. For the love of God, there are so many more important things to put your attention on!! Have you called your mom today? Have you talked to your best friend? Have you reached out to help somebody that is hurting? 

Life is but a vapor, fleeting and soon lost. You never know when the ones that you love are going to be gone. You never know when you are going to take your last breath. So, I really think that everybody needs to shut up and take care of their families and their loved ones. When we die we cannot take our political beliefs with us. The ones closest to us are mot going to care whether we were Republican, Democrat or dazed and confused in the middle. The things they will remember are the memories we made spending time together. In the end, that is what truly matters.

Symbols of My Life

Symbols of My Life

Graphite on paper, 2002

By Andrea Tadpole

This is a symmetrical drawing I did in college back in 2002. The assignment was that it be symmetrical and contain symbols that represent my life. I am a member of AA and have been sober since 7/5/1986. That is my rebirth day, the day I started my journey in spirituality. Doing this drawing in and of itself was a spiritual journey for me. The act of creating anything always is very sacred to me because I feel like I am sitting at God's throne when I am doing it. It feels like God, Source or whatever I call my Higher Power on any day, is creating through me. It is as if it falls out of my spirit. It is a very Holy experience for me.

Here is what the things symbolize in this drawing for me:

1.  The nails and crosses represent my Higher Power and the total unconditional love He had and still has for me. It is the sacrifice that was made for me. My understanding of God is that He (I use "he" for lack of a better term) loved me just as much when I was face down in my puke drunk as He does all these years sober today. He loves me, because of who He is. It has nothing to do with how good I am.

2. The stairs throughout the drawing represent the 12 steps of AA that I work continuously. They are spiritual principles that I live by the best I can every day.

3. The symbol of AA is a circle with a triangle in the middle. Hence the spheres and pyramids. 

4. The spheres remind of God's love...it is a circle with no beginning and no end...God's love is never-ending They also represent completion for me. I never completed anything until I got sober.

5. Pyramids are sources of power. When I remember to be still and tap into their power I find peace and hope.

6. The 2 giant stone structures are the altars that remind me of the two times in my life that I have spiritually laid myself on God's altar and surrendered myself unconditionally. They are what I call my Demascus Road experiences or spiritual awakenings. The altars are also like my God Box in my heart where I turn over the things and worries that I cannot control. For me, letting go of something is a process. I let it go and take it back over and over until I eventually just leave it on the altar for my Higher Power to deal with. It is always amazing to me how fast things work out when I finally let go.

7. The four broken jars represent the verse in the Bible that I like. I do not know it verbatim but my paraphrased version is, "God takes broken vessels and turns them into beautiful jars of clay." I am still a work in progress, but I am not nearly as broken as I was day one sober. For that I am truly grateful.

8. The dark background is the past that I left behind. I have never looked back and never will. 

I am so truly grateful for the life that my Higher Power gave me and continues to bless me with today.