Rhonda Nannette Broussard-Dicks

Created by Andrea Tadpole & Lamont Broussard with love

The Oldest

Note: I wrote this for my "Big Sis" Rhonda...I will miss her and never forget her...RIP Rhonda :'(

The Oldest

by Andrea Tadpole

You were told
From the very start
You're the oldest
You must be strong

Take care of your
Little brothers and sisters
Protect them
And guard their
Every heart

You must always
Be there
Whatever is needed
You do

Yet never
Show your
Weakness
Lest you fail
The little ones
They're always
Looking up to you

Problem is
You never learned
To let anyone
Care for you

You hid your worries
Deep inside
After all
You're the oldest
That's what you were
Supposed to do

Why does God
Let some live
While others
He let's die

It seems
He takes the
Beautiful ones
And leaves
The rest of us
To cry

I suspect
He looked down
And saw your
Every pain

Knew you couldn't
Take it and
Brought you home
Out of the rain

Andre

by Andrea Tadpole

I once dreamt
I'd find the one
To share a love
That's deep and true

I searched and searched
With all my heart
But everything
Just fell apart

I gave up hope
Refused to look
When out of nowhere
There you stood

You're the man
I dreamed of
All my life
The reason my heart
Took flight

I cannot believe
You've chosen me
From all the fishes
In the sea

We both work hard
To build our life
Meet up together
In the late night light

Our stolen moments
So tender and sweet
Revive my soul
And bring me peace

In all my life
I've never known 
The kind of love
I have for you

If I could have
One wish come true
It would be
To spend
Forever with you

My Man

Andre and I have been together for 10 months now. He is the kind of man I always dreamed of but feared I'd never find. He's not perfect and neither am I. I don't think either of us were looking for perfection. We were looking for the kind of love that stands the test of time. The kind of love that's built on mutual trust and respect with that special "chemistry" and passion that keeps life fun even in hard times. I waited to announce our relationship on Facebook until we were both sure about us and where we are going. Andre and I went to Florida for vacation together last month and we both agree that this trip is what sealed the deal for us. Andre and I "officially" moved in together last week. I'm the happiest woman in the world!

Andre, I love you with all my heart! I wrote this for you:

My Man
by Andrea Tadpole

My man
Found me
Deep in the night
Like an angel
Brought me
Back to life

When we met
His eyes twinkled
With pure delight
His smile
Illuminated me
At first sight

I fell fast and hard
From the very start
Yet he was there
To catch me
He captured
My heart

Dark brown skin
Smooth as silk
Honey sweet kisses
That make me melt
He has a way of
Touching me
In places
No one else
Has ever felt

Strong and protective
Yet soft and tender
Its finally safe
I can surrender
To the love
We share
To this man
My man
Now
Forever

He Always Touches Me

by Andrea Tadpole

He always touches me
Always
And when he does
It draws me in
Like a moth
To the full moon light

He always touches me
Tenderly
Sweetly
As if to say
You're my woman
All mine

He always touches me
And his sparks
Ignite my hidden passion
Into a raging fire
Of sensuality
And desire

He always touches me
And reminds me
I belong to this man
Who loves me
Safe and warm
In his arms
Forever more

Thoughts On Love

Thoughts On Love
by Andrea Tadpole

Love is a fragile gift
Beautiful to behold
When tasted
One is insatiable
With an unquenchable
Fiendish thirst
For more and more

Yet love cannot
Be possessed
Or reigned in
It cannot be forced
It can only be experienced
Between two lovers
Intertwined at the heart

Love can last
Forever
When cultivated
And grown
In the garden
Of two
Star-crossed souls

Courtney's 1st Birthday Letter

by Andrea Tadpole

Note: This is taken from a book my daughter and I write together called Love Letters. I wrote it for my youngest granddaughter Courtney on her first birthday. I’m sure my daughter won’t mind me posting it here, it seems appropriate. 


1/22/2008

Today is Courtney’s 1st birthday! Can you believe it?! Time runs so fast – she is already walking and trying to talk. Wow! So here is a letter to her. Hopefully she will read it someday when I’m long gone and remember how much her GeGe loves her – here goes.

Dear Courtney,

The day you were born was one of the most wonderful days of my life. The first time I saw you through the hospital nursery window my heart leapt with joy. You had this beautiful head of red hair just like my grandma Mary’s. I am sure she was dancing in heaven! Your eyes were big, beautiful blue like the ocean. From the first time you looked at me you had the ability to pierce the very depths of my soul with your gaze.

While I loved you just as much as I love all my grandchildren, I had no idea what gift you were meant to be to me. Just a few short days after your joyous birth, your cousin Michael Aydn was still born. I went from the highs of welcoming you to the very depths of sorrow at the loss of my beautiful grandson. That night after he was born I was driving around and the pain was so horrible from losing another grandbaby that I could not think straight, much less stop crying. I found myself on the side of the road crying into my cell phone to my confidant, Sandra. Apparently I had thought about driving over a cliff to end it all so the pain would stop forever. Sandra asked me what I could do at that moment that would help stop the pain in my heart. The only thing I could think of was to hold and rock you. So, I called your mom and asked if I could come over and do that. From the moment I held you in my arms it was as if you put this warm soothing medicine on my devastated soul. Here you were a mere six days old and yet you were snuggled right up to me. I sat and rocked you as tears of joy and sadness all rolled into one streamed down my face. I knew that there was hope when I looked at you and I knew that I had to stay alive for you and my other family. That night you and I forged a bond of love with each other that did not need words.

Since then I have watched you grow and learn. We have spent many hours rocking together. You always end up on my lap wanting to be rocked. I think at some level you know that you are the one rocking me. Your love has been and is what the Bible calls “the oil of joy for mourning” to me. You have a spirit of compassion and understanding like no one I have ever known. Well, your mom has that same spirit. It’s beautiful; don’t let life snuff it out.

You are so full of energy and joy. You have made me laugh and smile when I thought I never would again. I have watched you study your big sisters and I know you are taking notes. I know if you could talk you would tell them that when you get big you’re going to be like them. You don’t miss a thing.

Another thing that you have done is totally fall in love with your Uncle Sedrick. When he walks in the room the whole world stops and your eyes are fixed on him. You demand his attention and stay glued to him. I think you know he needs you. I can only imagine what losing Mikey was like for him.

So, I said all that to say this – if you ever doubt that you are here for a reason or think that God has no purpose in your life look around you. Find the one that’s hurting and down hearted and show them the love you have shown to all of us in this brief first year of your life. Go kiss your mom and babies and let them know how much you care. Treasure every second of your life because you never know when it will be your last. Whatever you do – do not lose the hope and inspiration I see in your beautiful blue eyes. Stay connected to your family, especially your mom and sisters. I wasted too many years being mad at mine for things I don’t remember now. In the end all you have is God and family so hang on to them.

Thank you for loving me my beautiful little girl.

I will love you forever,

GeGe

Laying In Bed

by Andrea Tadpole

Laying in bed
In the middle of
The night
Thinking about you
Makes my heart
Take flight

I imagine our bodies
Intertwined
In a dance of
Ecstasy 
So divine

I've dipped my toe
In the ocean of
What might be
Is it real
Or just a fantasy

Laying in bed
In the middle of
The night
Praying for answers
I gotta know
Should I stay
Should I go
Pull you close
Or run away

Your touch
Sends me reeling
In infinite bliss
I look into
Your eyes
See forever
Taste sweet nectar
In your kiss

Feelings so intense
I cannot sleep
Is what we're doing
Right
Should I take
The leap

Laying in bed
In the middle of
The night
Thoughts battle round
Till I finally give in
Start counting sheep
Till I drift off
To sleep

Do You Feel Me

by Andrea Tadpole

Do you feel
The vibration
Between us
When our
Eyes meet
Across a
Crowded room
That indescribable
Energy
Pulsating
To and fro

Do you feel
My heart
Beating next
To yours
Even though
I'm not near

Do you feel
My breath
On your neck
My sweet lips
On your cheek
Hear me whisper
Sweet nothings
In your ear

I think of you
And your scent
Comes back to me
I close my eyes
See your smile
Taste your lips
Crave your touch

Do you feel me
Cuz baby I'm
Feeling you

One Look

by Andrea Tadpole

One look
One glance
Our eyes locked
Was it fate
Or happenstance

I saw your heart
You saw mine
Undeniable
Indescribable
Connection
Born lifetimes ago

Knocked my world
Off its axis
Spinning blind  
Or was it finally
Aligned

I saw a moon
Orbiting a planet
At least I think
Or maybe it was
Two planets
Dancing together
Around the sun

One look
Is all it took
To mesmerize me
With your Essence
Make me long
For your touch
And thirst
For your love

Forbidden Fruit

Note: I wrote this a long time ago. I found it in a box I was digging through the other night.

Forbidden Fruit
by Andrea Tadpole

Forbidden fruit
Can’t you see
What the thought of you
Does to me
I dream of you all through
The night
I see you glisten
In the full moonlight
So close Yet so far away
Should I run
Or should I stay

Forbidden fruit
Can’t you see
How I long
To climb your tree
Pick your fruit
Taste your juice
Set myself free
Just let loose
Yet I know
If I dare go
It will only
End in woe

Family

This is in response to the comments being made on Facebook by certain people in my family about the latest drama: First and foremost, its better to talk/argue/whatever FACE TO FACE instead of being a coward and posting bullshit in social media such as Facebook (you know who you are). If can't do it face to face its better to just stay out of it altogether. Second, when my grandma died the ONLY ONES at her side were her FAMILY. Ya know, the ones she laughed with, cried with and yes, fought like hell with? All her so called "FRIENDS" were nowhere to be found. In the end all that's left is one's FAMILY, good or bad. Its best to love and cherish them while we still can. Life is but a flicker. Here and gone too fast. For the love of God, MY FAMILY should know this! Or did you already forget Michael, Zoey and little Mikey? There are many things I did in my youth to my FAMILY that hurt them, yet they're still here. I wish I could take it all back but I can't. I can only live today and do my best not to be the same cruel person I was in my youth. I'm not perfect and never claimed to be. I can promise you one thing though: I LOVE MY FAMILY whether they deserve it or not. I thought I had taught my children to do the same. Today, I am facing the mortality of my parents. My dad has cancer AGAIN. I'm hoping and praying that the radiation and chemo he has to do kills the cancer and not him. My mom told me last night she heart problems and has to see a cardiologist and may have to have some kind of surgery. Somehow all the stupid arguments about who's right and who's wrong don't matter anymore. What matters is my FAMILY. Someday, hopefully a LONG, LONG time from now, my life will come to a close. I hope and pray that MY CHILDREN will have spent all the time before then loving each other and not fighting. I would hate like hell to know that the only time they saw each other was at funerals. Life is too short for the kind of bullshit ripping my family apart right now. We have spent too much time dealing with hard, sad stuff in our lives the past few years. We NEED to celebrate the GOOD STUFF together too. Please stop the fighting.

Artwork of Andrea Tadpole

Check out my new artwork section on my blog! Look on the right hand side of the page and you will see the link or click on the picture above. Enjoy!!

I Don't Want To Miss

by Andrea Tadpole

I don't want to miss
Another minute with you
Me lying alone
Longing for your kiss
Missing your strong arms
Holding me tight
With my head on your chest
Listening to your heartbeat
As I drift off to sleep

I don't want to
Reach for you deep
In the night
Only to find that
You're not there

A piece of me is gone
When we are apart
For wherever you go
You carry my heart

Letter to Sedrick 12/21/2012

by Andrea Tadpole

Sedrick,

I was lying in bed last night thinking about the last year and what all our little family (you, me, Alicia and the girls) have been through. I wanted to tell you this:

I know that your life is not perfect. I know that there is so much more that you long for. We all do. However, STOP for one moment and look at where you were at last year and where you are now. I remember. You were encamped with the enemy, all for the undying love for your little girl. I watched you have your heart ripped out by ones who supposedly loved you. I watched you lose everything.

Yet, I have watched persevere through it all. I have watched you learn to rebuild from the holocaust of divorce. I have watched you continue to be an awesome father to your little girl. I have watched you walk through the heart attack you had and face your own immortality with dignity.

You may think there is no hope. You may think you are a failure. You may think you will never find "the one" and be alone forever. Those are all lies.

See, Sedrick, in many ways you are my hero and my beacon of hope. I am so proud of you. God truly blessed me when He let me be your mom. So, stop for a minute, thank God that He has brought you through and give yourself a little pat on the back because you deserve it.

I love you forever!

~Mom~

Grandpa Shelby

by Andrea Tadpole

I am thinking about my grandpa Shelby Morrison today. He died many years ago. His birthday is today. I don't remember how old he would have been but it does not matter. He will always be alive in my heart.

On the outside he was big and clumsy. People often assumed he was an oaf and stupid. Boy were the wrong! Turn on some good music and he could dance like Fred Astair. My favorite memory of him is dancing in the livingroom with me and him twirling me around.

He was a quiet man and he worked hard at the railroad as a switchman most of his life. On the side he had a concession business. He sold snow cones, cotton candy and other stuff. He also sold balloons at all the area Christmas parades. He was a shrewd business man and wise beyond his years.

He was a good man and loved the Lord. He always gave food to the hungry, shelter to the homeless and clothes to the naked. He never judged anyone. He just loved people. My grandma always said he took in stray people instead of stray dogs. I only hope to be as good as him.

Every one in the neighborhood knew him as the snowcone man. To me, he was my grandpa and I loved him dearly.

I miss you grandpa! Keep watch over my grandbabies and other loved ones till I get there! I'm still dancing!!

Love you!!!  ~Andi~

Butterflies

by Andrea Tadpole

Everywhere I turn
I see butterflies
As if you are saying
Hi
I'm still here

An ever present
Reminder of
The brevity of life
The beauty
And wonder
Encapsulated in
The flutter of
Angel's wings

In 11 minutes
You captured me
Emersed me
In your love
Etched your spirit
On my heart
Forever

The years may pass
But you will never be
Forgotten

Every time
I see a butterfly
Your brought
Back to life
For me
Again and again
I remember
How you fought
To stay with us
And how your
Spirit filled the room
With light
Brighter than
The sun

Merry Christmas
My sweet little butterfly
I love you
Forever

Fall

I heard this song last night the touched me like no other has in a long time, the lyrics are beautiful…

Fall

by Clay Walker

Oh, look, there you go again
Puttin' on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin' this and doin' that
Always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby, fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that's wrong and all that's right Lay your head on my shoulder, and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, baby, its okay

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

Hold on, hold on,
Hold on to me

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

Here is the link to Tate Stevens singing it on XFactor:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KzIO8CUUhM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Happy Mother's Day Momma

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is my all time favorite that he wrote just for me many years ago!!

Watch "Happy Mother's Day Momma by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Kaylee's Song

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "Kaylee's Song by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Cistern

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "Cistern by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Listen to Our Hearts

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "Listen to Our Heart by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

My Heart Yearns

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:

Watch "My Heart Yearns by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Weakness

My son sang some of his music for me for my birthday because I love it so much!! Here is one:
Watch "Weakness by Sedrick Zelsnack" on YouTube

Elaine

by Andrea Tadpole

Today is my 50th birthday and I found myself rushing across town on my lunch break to pick up a package from my best friend, Elaine. It occurred to me on the crazy drive over that I did it because it's all about the connection I have with her. She lives hundreds of miles away in Pennsylvania, yet she has been my friend for over 20 years. After she moved from Tulsa several years ago, we remained friends and she has been my lifeline over the phone.

She is 20 years older than me biologically and I am 5 years older than her in sobriety. See, I took her to her first meeting and I really had no idea whether she would stay sober or not. Honestly, I thought all was lost and she was beyond all hope. I just knew she could not be saved. Yet, I was given the glorious gift of getting to watch her rebirth. Over the last 20 years I have watched God fashion her into a mighty, beautiful woman. She has grown in stature and strength. To be given the gift of watching her grow in sobriety is a rare treasure. The wisdom, love and brutal honesty she has given me along the way are worth more to me than all the riches in the world.

Over the years we have laughed and cried, we have cussed and screamed when life has kicked us in the teeth, yet we have kept trudging together. There was, at one point, a period of months when we did not talk at all. Looking back I can see that my life got too dramatic for anyone to handle and I understand why she stepped back now. But we eventually reconnected and our friendship survived. We are brutally honest with each other. I think that is what has held us together.

The longest term relationship I have ever had is with her. It is one I will treasure for the rest of my life. Elaine I love you, thank you for the gift. I hope we see each other again soon!

Fifty

by Andrea Tadpole

Wow!! I'm sitting here on my 50th birthday at 12:07am. I am both grateful and stunned that I've lived this long. I keep counting the years and thinking I must have added wrong. Yet I didn't. Here I am. I'm 50. I've lived half a century. It blows my mind!

I have spent my life hurrying to get to one age or another. I could not wait to get to 16 so I could drive. I wanted freedom so bad and 16 symbolized that for me. Then there was 18. I wanted to be an adult so I could call my own shots and not answer to anyone. Of course I wanted to be 21 so I could get in a bar or liquor store without having to lie.

Then I got sober at 23. It was as if time stood still in a way. I stopped counting days to the next age and just lived for today. I focused on my recovery from alcoholism. I worked the steps and tried to set my life right. I did not do everything perfect but through God's grace I celebrated 26 years of sobriety this past July.

I got busy focusing on raising my family. Looking back I don't think I did a very good job of it, but I put my whole heart into it. God blessed me with the most wonderful son and daughter a mother could ever have. There are not enough words in the English language to describe the depth of love and pride I have a for them. It seems like just when I got the hang of being a mom they grew up and moved away. A day does not go by that I don't long for the the sound of my son's music in the background and my daughter chattering away to me about something. Those are lost moments that I blurred through with the busyness of life and now I treasure with everything.

I spent my 40s getting my college education that everyone said I wasn't smart enough to do. I followed my heart, my passion and I got a degree in art. I graduated Summa Cum Laude. I also earned a 4.0 GPA while I got an MBA. I even surprised myself! I don't have much to show for all my education but I KNOW I DID IT! I loved every minute of college. I realized I love to learn. I believe that learning keeps my mind sharp and it keeps me young.

In the middle of all that came my grandchildren. Oh what an awesome, awesome gift and surprise my granddaughters are. I have 4 of them. Each of them are exquisite and beautiful jewels. They make my heart sing and keep me young. They bring me the greatest joy because I don't have to be anybody special with them. I just have to be me and love them. They have no idea the depth of love I have for them. I only hope that I am able to impart a tenth of the wisdom that my grandparents gave to me. How else will they survive in a world that I will never see?

When I was younger I had a plan for my life and I had an idea of where I should be at each stage in my head. Problem is I never planned past the age of 25... I really thought I'd never live past that. Yet here I am! OMFG! I AM 50!

I have a million thoughts running through my head. I have the shouldas. You know the ones that say you shoulda done this or you shoulda done that? Then there's the couldas. You know how those go...why was I so stupid? I coulda done this or I coulda done that? Last but not least the oughtas. I oughta be this or I oughta do that. I could write all these thoughts out but I'm sure that you know what they are.

There's a part of me that wants to panic because I think OMG I've lived most of my life. In the grand scheme of things I don't have much time left. I have so much more living to do. How am I going to cram it all into 20 or 30 years? I also think about the responsibility I have to my children and grandchildren. I think of all the things that I need to teach them. I think of all the things that my grandma taught me. Things that took her a lifetime to teach me. I hope I didn't get started too late.

I have more questions today than answers and I'm okay with that. See, I finally figured out I don't have to know everything. I just have to be open to God. I have to trust Him and follow the path where He leads even when the road is twisty-windy and I'm afraid. I have found some of the most beautiful gifts in the weirdest twists along the path in my life. I believe that's when God has taken my screw ups and made them into something awesome.

The last year and a half has been difficult yet good. I've done a lot of growing. I have ended some relationships and started new ones. The most important relationship I have started is one with myself. For the first time in my life I've lived alone. No man. No children. Just me. I think I finally figured out how to take care of myself. I finally understand what "I am responsible for my own happiness" means. Most of the time when I am unhappy it is because I am not being true to myself. I am busy trying to people please to make someone else happy at my own expense. As long as I stay true to who I really am, I am at peace within myself and I am happy.

God has blessed me with good friends and with people that I love with all my heart. I hope they are there in my future. Time will tell. A good friend of mine told me one time that it's okay to plan for the future just write it in pencil and carry a big eraser. Yet there are some people in my life that I want to write in with a sharpy marker so they will never leave. Like I said time will tell. ;-)

One last thought...I am a lot like my grandmother Lillian who is still living at over 90 years old. She is still very active and has her mind about her. She is a very fiesty, strong and independent woman. She told me that age is just a number. That if we think we're old we will act old no matter what our age is. I for one refuse to get old. I don't care what is socially acceptable or unacceptable for anybody at 50 years of age or older to do or not do. I am going to do whatever I want the way I want. If I want to dress crazy I'm going to dress crazy. If I want to do my hair weird I'm going to do my hair weird. If I wanna go dance in the street I'm going to go dance in the street. If you don't like it don't watch. I'm going to be like my grandma and I'm going to LIVE every moment I have left until the day I die. So if you're one of my intimate friends or family members, humor me, come along with me and enjoy the ride!

Lying Here Beside You

by Andrea Tadpole

Lying here beside you
Watching you sleep
Thinking you're an angel
I hope I get to keep

Passions ignited
In ways unknown to me
Never thought
I'd see the day
My dream
Would come to be

Your heart is
Bright and beautiful
It takes my
Breath away
Your spirit
Strong yet gentle
In everything
You do

You mind is sharp
Your word is true
Your wise beyond
Your years

Your smile contagious
Your laughter infectious

Oh my God
I'm so
In love with you

Surely you're an angel
Sent from God above
For when
All hope was lost
I was throwing
In the towel
You swept me up
In your strong arms
And gave me life anew

Lying here beside you
Watching you sleep
Feeling you touch me
In places oh so deep
Knowing that I'm safe
As long as
I'm next to you

Thinking you're an angel
I hope I get to keep

Lost In A Fog

by Andrea Tadpole

Lost in a fog
A daze
Of wasted time
And spent
Emotion

Trying to find
My way
But I'm blinded
By an
Ocean

Consumed with
Regrets
About what
Shoulda been
Fears
Of what
Could be

If only I could
Clear my mind
And find a
Guiding light

Maybe then
There'd be an
End to this long
Dark night

Then I would
Be free
From the ache
That's deep within

I could once
More embrace
My world
To rise and
Live again

Why I Love Elephants and Michael Jackson

A lot of people never knew what an awesome writer Michael Jackson was. His poetry and essays spoke volumes to me. Here is one of his essays that describes why I have been captivated by elephants for my entire life. Enjoy!

So The Elephants March

by Michael Jackson

A curious fact about elephants is this: In order to survive, they mustn't fall down. Every other animal can stumble and get back up again. But an elephant always stands up, even to sleep. If one of the herd slips and falls, it is helpless. It lies on its side, a prisoner of its own weight. Although the other elephants will press close around it in distress and try to lift it up again, there isn't usually much they can do. With slow heaving breaths, the fallen elephant dies. The others stand vigil, then slowly move on.

This is what I learned from nature books, but I wonder if they are right. Isn't there another reason why elephants can't fall down? Perhaps they have decided not to. Not to fall down is their mission.

As the wisest and most patient of the animals, they made a pact -- I imagine it was eons ago, when the ice ages were ending. Moving in great herds across the face of the earth, the elephants first spied tiny men prowling the tall grasses with their flint spears."What fear and anger this creature has," the elephants thought." But he is going to inherit the earth. We are wise enough to see that. Let us set an example for him." 

Then the elephants put their grizzled heads together and pondered. What kind of example could they show to man? They could show him that their power was much greater that his, for that was certainly true. They could display their anger before him, which was terrible enough to uproot whole forests. Or they could lord it over man through fear, trampling his fields and crushing his huts. In moments of great frustration, wild elephants will do all of these things, but as a group, putting their heads together, they decided that man would learn best from a kinder message. 

"Let us show him our reverence for life," they said. And from that day on, elephants have been silent, patient, peaceful creatures. They let men ride them and harness them like slaves. They permit children to laugh at their tricks in the circus, exiled from the great African plains where they once lived as lords.

But the elephants' most important message is in their movement. For they know that to live is to move. Dawn after dawn, age after age, the herds march on, one great mass of life that never falls down, an unstoppable force of peace.

Innocent animals, they do not suspect that after all this time, they will fall from a bullet by the thousands. They will lie in the dust, mutilated by our shameless greed. The great males fall first, so that their tusks can be made into trinkets. Then the females fall, so that men may have trophies.The babies run screaming from the smell of their own mothers' blood, but it does them no good to run from the guns. Silently, with no one to nurse them, they will die, too, and all their bones bleach in the sun. In the midst of so much death, the elephants could just give up. All they have to do is drop to the ground. That is enough. They don't need a bullet: Nature has given them the dignity to lie down and find their rest. But they remember their ancient pact and their pledge to us, which is sacred.

So the elephants march on, and every tread beats out words in the dust: "Watch, learn, love. Watch, learn, love." Can you hear them? One day in shame, the ghosts of ten thousand lords of the plains will say, "We do not hate you. Don't you see at last? We were willing to fall, so that you, dear small ones, will never fall again."

Dancing All Alone

by Andrea Tadpole

I'm so tired of
Dancing all alone
I feel like my heart
Doesn't have
A home

I go out
On the weekends
To find release
In the rhythm
Of the beat
Hoping it will
Soothe the ache
Set me free

Yet I'm always
Reminded
That I'm
Dancing alone
When the slow dance
Comes
And I've no one
To hold

Its as if I'm
Invisible
Nobody sees
That I just want
A partner
To dance with me

Someone To Hold On To

I just need
Someone to
Hold on to
When life throws
Me for a spin
I don't know where
It begins or ends
And the answers
Don't come from within

Just need strong arms
To grasp me
Never let me go
Hold me through
The long dark night
When I feel alone
Find no strength within
Need an anchor
When storm clouds roll

Just be there
Hold me
Let me fall apart
With you

In your arms
I find the
Peace and strength
To stand up again

Response to White Devil Comment on Facebook

I sure hope I'm not included as one of those white devils in your diatribe. You know I'm not racist. While I agree with the spirit of what you are saying, African Americans are not the only race that has been disenfranchised in our nation's history.

Lets not forget the OUTRIGHT EXTERMINATION of Native Americans...all in the selfish pursuit of land. It breaks my heart to think that MY ANCESTORS died being forced to leave their homes and walk across this country in the dead of winter when the federal government took their homes away. Funny everyone so easily forgets that.

As for myself personally, I am disenfranchised and discriminated against every day by employers, government officials, businesses and individuals because I am disabled. Don't start preaching about ADA laws to me either. They are worthless because most officials refuse to enforce them. I am treated like a stupid deaf girl everywhere I turn. I could bring you to tears with stories of outright public humiliation I have endured. Yet when I have sought help by officials, attorneys, dept of justice, etc. NO ONE WAS THERE.

The reality is until we ALL drop our blinders and embrace the differences in everyone no matter what our race, religion, creed, sexual preference, disability or ability, class, etc we are still doomed. Until we drop our sad stories (me included), stop living in the past and UNITE for the future we will never get any better as a nation no matter who the president is.

Thankful List 2012

Everyone is posting a daily thing they are thankful for on Facebook so I figured if you can't beat em join em...my thankful list all at once since I'm too busy to stop every day (I never follow the rules anyway)

1. God, AA and my sobriety
2. My daddy for being there for me
3. My son Sedrick Zelsnack. I only hope to be as wonderful as him when I grow up! Oh and his music is awesome :)
4. My daughter Alicia Zelsnack. She is beautiful, sweet and a awesome mother. I adore her!!
4. My granddaughter Destiny who has given me a reason to keep going when things get tough.
5. My granddaughter Kaylee who has shown me the true meaning of love.
6. My granddaughter Bella whose artwork makes my heart sing!
7. My granddaughter Courtney who always reminds me to laugh!
8. Old doors closing
9. New doors opening
10. A good job
11. My best friend Elaine Lamont. She has been a voice of wisdom and there when no one else was.
12. My new friend Lindsey Vandeventer. Can't wait to see what the future holds!
13. Music...the healing balm to my weary soul
14. Art...because it gives me a way to express myself
15. My sponsor Gail for hanging in there with me all these years!
16. My ex husbands for teaching me what I DON'T WANT in a relationship
17. Dancing...it has set my spirit free!
18. A place to live that's warm and safe. Some of my friends don't have that right now :(
19. Food to eat...this time last year I didn't have any.
20. Peace of mind and hope
21. Passion...life would be so boring without it!
22. Love...for without love none of the other stuff matters!

Happy Turkey Day to all!!

Forgiveness

This is an answer to my son's question posted in Facebook. He wanted to know if we asked God for forgiveness for a sin we were about to commit, would God forgive us. Here is my answer:

Forgiveness

By Andrea Tadpole

What if your daughter did that? Would you forgive her? While you would not shelter her from the consequences of her actions I suspect that you would forgive her because you love her so deeply and unconditionally. Forgiveness is not about US as people. Forgiveness is about GOD and WHO HE IS. He loves us because of WHO HE IS not because we are perfect enough. He loves us in spite of our humanity.

I refuse to believe that God plays mind f*** games with us like that. You know...give us free will then impose rigid rules impossible to follow so that He can slap us down when we falter? No way! God loves us and FORGAVE before we were conceived. Why else would He have sacrificed His only son?

I don't mean to brow beat you Sedrick. Just sharing what I believe. See, your MY SON, my firstborn. I never knew what unconditional love was till I held you in my arms. There is NOTHING that you could ever do to separate my love from you. I forgave you of anything you ever do (assuming I have that ability - that's another discussion for another day) before you were born even though I didn't know it at the time. That's what unconditional love is. Its a bond like no other. I believe that God's love is lifetimes stronger.

I'm sure your other FB friends will chime in and slam my comments to hell and back with Biblical references and religious dogma. That's cool discussion helps one clarify what and why we believe things. But, in the end, listen to your OWN heart. The answer is there deep within. Let the Holy Spirit guide you. I love you to infinity ~Mom~

If I'm Dreaming

by Andrea Tadpole

If I’m dreaming
Do not wake me
Just let me slumber
In this bliss

For I’ve stayed awake
Too long
In the harsh reality
That there is
No one for me

Longing for love
To come
Rest in my heart
Yet finding none

Now here it is
Like a long lost
Friend
Full of fire
And passion
That was stolen
From my youth

If I’m dreaming
Do not wake me
Bathe me in the
Warmth of your
Strong arms
Around me

Let me feel your touch
Taste your kiss
Hear you whisper
Secrets of love
To me in the
Depths of the night

If I’m dreaming
Do not wake me
Fly high with me
In this ecstasy
And see
If our dreams
Can become
Reality

Random Thoughts on 8-17-12

by Andrea Tadpole

I have a lot of things on my mind these days. Too many thoughts run through my head and I cannot focus on one. I am so lonely most of the time, even when I'm in a crowd. I see people around me but I peer at them as if through a crack in my door. Inside, everyone is held at bay. They only get in so far and I choke. I don't know why. I am not REALLY talking to anyone. I find myself smiling and nodding a lot but never really saying where I am at. I feel myself slipping away but I don't know where I am going.

I went to a funeral for a friend's baby boy the other day. During the eulogy I stood there and thought about all the deaths I have been through. Since 2004 I have buried at least 10 family members and friends. The very thought of it sickens me. The sorrow is at depths I have never known and there are no words to describe it.

My mind went back to my granddaughter Zoey's birth, her 11 minute fight to live and her death. Her funeral is a blur now. All I remember is begging God over and over to let me switch places with her. A couple of years later we buried her bother Mikey, a few spots over from her.

Mikey was my only grandson. There is no way to describe the torment I went through when Mikey died. I was not allowed at the viewing. I was banned from the funeral and not allowed to stand under the same pavilion I was sitting at today. I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to him; all because of some asinine misunderstanding. It crushed me to the very depths of my soul. I sat on my granddaughter's bench and sobbed during the service. The evil ones running the show, my son's mother-in-law and father-in-law tried to have me removed from the grounds. It didn't work. I was allowed to drop a single handful of dirt on my grandson's tiny coffin and that was all. There was no one to really console me. The one's that were there expected me to just shake it off and move on.

Since that horrible day my son and I have rebuilt our relationship. His sorry excuse for a wife is now an ex and her evil spirited family is gone. All that's left are the two graves of my two grandchildren whom I would gladly give my life up for still today. The relationship I was in is over. I was laid off from my job. Everything in my life has fallen apart. It's all dead and gone.

While I was thinking about these things I was gazing at the crowd and I saw my friend Donnie in the background. For a brief moment my heart leapt inside me. I have missed him so much. He was smiling his ornery smile that always made me laugh. I chuckled in the midst of my tears. Then I remembered; Donnie was killed in a head on collision a couple of months ago. I didn't go to his funeral because I could not bear it.

At that moment I knew Donny's spirit was there to tell me goodbye and that he was okay. I am grateful for that gift, yet it does not make reality any better. It does not make the gnawing ache in my heart go away. I am afraid the knot in my throat is permanent and I will choke back tears for the rest of my life.

Over the past few years I have had to pull myself from the ashes and try to move on; I just don't do it very gracefully. How can one recover from such annihilation with any dignity left? How does one do it? Tell me, because I haven't found a way. The best I can do is just make it through each day, one day at a time.

There are days the ache in my heart is suffocating and it is a fight to get out of bed and go to work. At times I have no ability to really connect with anyone. I am just there. That's all. I am an artist. I love to create whether its a painting, drawing, stained glass, photography; yet I have hit a block in many of my creative outlets. I have not painted or drawn anything since Zoey died. I started a painting of her. The sorrow was so heavy I could not finish it. It's still in my closet unfinished. I keep thinking some day I will get back to it.

The one thing I have done continually is writing. I love writing my thoughts and feelings. Like writing stories about my life and I love to write poetry. It is very healing. I don't think I am a good writer but it helps to put it out there. I have a blog where I keep it all. I secretly hope I get thousands of followers some day but know in reality that will probably not happen.

Today I have a job. It's not a permanent job, but nothing in this life is permanent anyway, is it? I honestly have no idea where I am going. I just want to find peace inside myself again. I want to quiet the gnawing ache in my heart or at least learn to live in spite of it. I want to paint and draw again. I want to find the courage to write the book I see in my heart. The pages are blank and that terrifies me. I suspect though that if I just start writing the words will come and the pages will be filled.

I find the greatest joy still lies in spending time with my granddaughters when I allow myself to do it. They are like soothing balm to my weary soul. True gifts of beauty, light, fire and joy from above. I am blessed to be there grandmother. They give me so much more than I could ever give them.

I am not sure where my life's journey will take me, but I hope it is somewhere good. I've had all the sorrow I can take for a lifetime.

Donnie Kirby

by Andrea Tadpole

For those of you who know me, you know that I have been sober in AA for almost 26 years, since July 5,1986. Over the years there have been a handful of people that I treasure as my friends. Donnie Kirby was one of them. Today I found out that Donnie was killed in a car accident.

Donnie was a member of my home group, High Noon at Rebos. He was one of the few people that were there for me when my life was falling apart last year. He was like the big brother I never had. He had a rotten sense of humor and laughter that was infectious. Donnie gave me hope and made me believe life could be fun again.

He celebrated two years of sobriety a few months ago. Things were looking up. He got a new truck and was going to school. Outwardly all looked well. Yet he relapsed. He went through treatment and gave it all he had, yet he relapsed again. Over the last couple of months he would call randomly. I could hear the torture in his voice. I wanted so much to save him yet I knew he was beyond my reach. He never made it back to AA.

Today my heart breaks because my best friend is gone. Yet the lesson he left behind for me is powerful. He has reminded me how important my sobriety is and how fragile life is. All we have is this moment...today. I love you Donnie, always have and always will. Fly free with the angels my dear friend. See you on the other side.

If I Could

by Andrea Tadpole

If I could
I'd let you see
How your presence
Infects me

Your flashing smile
And twinkling eyes
So suave and sensual
With debonair flair

Like a parasite
You invade me
I cannot deny
I am left with
Insatiable desire

If I could
I'd let you see
The fantasies
I've locked inside

I'd give up the fight
Run to you
Let my heart take flight
Our two bodies intertwined
Deep in the night

If I could
I'd give you my heart
From you
I'd never part

Oblivious To Me

By Andrea Tadpole

In the background
Secretly watching
Longing for you
With a thirst
Only you can quench

I go unnoticed
My existence unheeded

You brush by me
My knees go weak
Your scent drives me wild
My heart takes a leap

So close
Yet lifetimes apart

How do I bridge
The great divide
Get you to see me
Take me for a ride

Am I invisible
Can you not see
What you do to me

I blush
When our eyes meet
If only for a second
My palms sweat
I lose my breath

All I want is you
Yet you never see

You walk by
Oblivious to me

Last Pick

by Andrea Tadpole

I wish I was more than
Last pick
On your list

Wish you had
Unquenchable thirst
To be with me
Feel me
Just want to
Be first

We line up to
Choose teams
I'm passed over and over
Till no one is left

All alone
No one wants me
I am always
Last pick

You say that I'm
Beautiful
Passionate
Sensual
In my own
Unique way

So why do you
Throw me away
For someone prettier
Or new
Why can't you
Be true

I tell myself
I won't play the game
I will just
Walk away
I don't have to line up
To be left
All alone

Yet here I am
Again
Standing alone
Waiting
To be your
Last pick

My Oasis

by Andrea Tadpole

Lying here
In the pool
Floating
My body totally
Suspended
Weightless
And Free

Nothing matters
But the rhythm
Of the waves

I see the blue sky
Above me
Puffy clouds
Drift by

I am reminded
Of my first time
On the ocean
Seeing the white caps
Smelling the salty air
Watching the solitary
Sea gull
Completely at peace
In the middle of nowhere

I wonder do birds
Believe in God
Or do they just accept
Nature for what it is

They don’t appear to worry
About the things
That I do

They just drift
Alone on the sea
In middle of nowhere
Without a care

For a few moments
I become the sea gull
In my mind
Drifting
At peace
Relaxed
And free

Time is suspended
All the worries
Of this world
Dissolve away
I can float free

It doesn’t matter
If there is a God
Who is right
Or wrong
All that exists
Is my heartbeat
My breath

At one with universe
Alive and free
Its where I always
Strive to be
Yet it eludes me
Most days

So I relish
This time
Alone
Floating
On the water
Free
To just be

Then the silence of
My oasis
Is broken
By the splashes
And laughter
Of my granddaughters

I am brought back to
Reality
Reminded
It’s not just
About me
But about those
I love

Yet I know
Someday soon
I will return
To my oasis
To be free
And at peace
Once again

Music and Me

I have been on my own almost a year now. Times have been bad and times have been good. I have learned a lot about myself and I actually like who I am whether others do or not.

The one thing I rediscovered about myself has been my intense love of music. Music speaks to me in places no one else can reach. It speaks to every cell and I can do nothing but dance, no matter how stupid I look in response to it. Music has carried me through the darkest times in my life whether it be classical, pop, r&b, rock n roll or anything in between. Music has the ability to take me out of the doldrums and into a place of joy and peace. I know it sounds crazy for one with hearing impairment such as me to love a good song so much but I do!

Today I was having a down moment so at lunch I sat in my car, blasted the radio and lost myself in the moment. It still feels so good to just listen and let all the problems melt away with a good song :-)

To all my musician friends out there...thanks for creating such an awesome gift for music lovers like me!

My Response to a Gay Rights Debate on Facebook

I have read everyone’s banter back and forth about this subject and I have mulled it over in my mind for a while now. I call myself a Christian and by that I mean that I believe that Jesus was God who came in the form of man to the earth to redeem us. He was the ultimate sacrifice for us. He made that sacrifice because of who HE IS, not because any one of us could ever possibly get good enough to deserve it.

I was raised in what I call a Heinz 57 religion, a little bit of everything and all mixed up. I was told that I had sinned if I even as much as thought about committing a sin. Well, in that case I was screwed by the time was 3 years old. I hated my new little baby sister who screamed all the time and prayed God would take her away. Hell I have even fantasized about some really weird stuff that I will not share here so that would dam me to hell too. Not to mention all the different things I have participated in before I got clean and sober 25 years ago. I was told one thing after another by so-called holy men, pastors of churches. They supposedly knew the Bible and had a direct pipeline to God. They were skilled charlatans who could manipulate and pull any verse in the Bible out of context to suit their agenda. While at the same time, most of them were bilking people for money, having affairs and screwing their secretaries or trying to get in my pants when I got old enough. All this left me with a bad taste in mouth about religion.

Fast forward to 2003. I went back to college to earn my Bachelors in Fine Art. I had to minor in Art History. I had no idea how much art has played such a significant role in religion throughout history, especially in the Middle Ages. All of the education that I got and the research I had to do left me dumbfounded. Everything I thought I knew to be true about the Bible and Christianity is not at all what I was taught. I will not bore you with the details, research it yourself if you dare. I will simply say that the Bible has never been translated in its true form. There has always been an agenda behind how things are interpreted and translated. King James had his own political agenda and single handedly refused to allow some books to even be included in what is now accepted as the Holy Bible. He didn’t like what it said or something in it went against his agenda for political power. He actually used it as a form of propaganda. Oh and don’t get me started on the Catholic Bible. So, how does anyone really know that what we know as the Holy Bible is really what was written? The truth is we don’t.

Having said all that, here is where I stand on sexuality. We can banter back and forth. One side can shout we are right the other can shout you are wrong, but in the end we all have to face our own mortality and be judged by God and He is the only judge (assuming you believe what the Bible says). That being the case, who died and made any human being God? Who gave any human being the right to judge another? I do remember that there is a Bible verse that says “judge not lest you be judged.” Over the years I have come to realize that there is a lot more gray in the world than black and white. It is nobody’s business what sexuality an individual chooses but that individual’s. Debating whether one was born gay or straight is like asking which came first the chicken or the egg? What the hell difference does it make? The reality is there is an egg and chicken and we have to deal with it.

This world is a hateful non-inclusive place most of the time. People who march to the beat of their own drum (like me) and refuse to conform to society’s stereotypes are ridiculed and shunned. Why can’t we celebrate our differences instead of walking along like stupid sheep to the slaughter? I am not gay, I am straight. I like being with men. Does that make me bad? Does that make me an outcast or a slut? According to previous comments as sin is a sin is a sin so I would be a sinner dammed for hell wouldn’t I? Is my lifestyle choice any more or less a sin than that of a gay person? I don’t think so, I think that neither of them are sins.

I think the greatest sin in the world is to not love. Christ came and preached a message that people still don’t hear today…Love one another. He did not say love one another only if you’re straight or only if you’re monogamous or only if you’re gay. He simply said LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Is it really that hard?

Doubting Thomas

by Andrea Tadpole

The God of my understanding gave me the most beautiful picture of His love for me in the Bible. My favorite story is of Doubting Thomas. Thomas walked with Christ every day, knew him intimately. Yet, when Jesus came to him after His resurrection, even standing right in front of him, ole Tom said something like, "Yeah right, sure your Jesus, prove it!" Jesus loved him so much and understood his humanness and doubt such that He told Tom to go ahead a poke his finger in His side.

I am just like Doubting Thomas. I wake up every morning and stick my finger in His side to make sure He's really real. Jesus always laughs and tells me, "Go ahead and poke my side, I'm still here, I understand and I love you."

I have always thought that if my relationship with God is so precarious that I am afraid to question Him or doubt Him I need to find another Higher Power. See, God knows my heart. He knows every thought. He created me just the way I am with all the imperfections I have. Yet, He loves me, just the way I am; not because of who I am, but because of who He is. So, I will just keep poking His side every morning to make sure He is real.

Not Your Yo-Yo

by Andrea Tadpole

I’m not a trinket
You lock in a box
To pull out
When you’re bored
To get yourself off

I’m not your yo-yo
I’m not your toy
Not just something
To use
For your own
Selfish joy

Come here
Go Away
That’s the game
You play

You pull me close
Like a yo-yo
Snap me back
Down the line
Watch me twirl
At the end
And think
I’ll be fine

Yet you don’t see
What its doing to me

I’m a beautiful girl
With a passionate heart
Sensual and sexy
When treated
With love

So why do you
Play me
Like a stupid toy
Then when you’re done
Just give me a shove

You pull me close
Like a yo-yo
Snap me back
Down the line
Watch me twirl
At the end
And think
I’ll be fine

Yet you don’t see
What its doing to me

Can’t take the spinning
Don’t know which way to go

Come here
Go away
I’m tired of the game

I have no choice
I need relief
I cut the string
Now I’m free
No longer
Your toy

For My Daddy

For My Daddy

By Andrea Tadpole

One minute I'm working
The next my life is falling apart
The phone rings
Everything changes
Because of your broken heart

Nothing lasts forever
Yet I want to make
Time stand still

I cannot take more sorrow
But pain is at my door

Thoughts of losing you
Terrify me
Suck the breath from my lungs
Halt my beating heart

You are part of what created me
You gave me life
And loved me
Through the thick and thin

Your presence has surrounded me
With every step I take

We've butted heads
Fought
Cried
Yelled
And disagreed

Yet through it all
You've loved me
Become my guiding light
And closest friend

I know the day is coming
From this world you'll pass
Yet I want to stop the clock
And make each moment last
For you've always been my hero
My ever present rock

When your time is over
And I'm left here all alone
I hope that I remember
What you taught me from the start

That family is most important
Love them at all cost
Believe in those who are different
Who don't always fit the mold
Give of myself to others
Work hard
Play even harder
Never forget to laugh
Especially when I'm old

I've always been a daddy's girl
My hero you'll always be

Thank you for using Picture and Video Messaging by U.S. Cellular. See www.uscellular.com for info.

Easter 2012

By Andrea Tadpole

Easter is not about what church service you attend, what clothes you wear, or what you post about it on Facebook. Easter is about the sacrifice a loving Savior made for us on the cross and the miracle of His resurrection. He loved us in spite of ourselves. No amount of church services, nice clothes, or other arrogance like the pharasees had will buy ones way into heaven. Only the acceptance of His ultimate sacrifice holds the key.

I don't go to church because most of them are full of white washed tombs. They look good on the outside but they are dead on the inside. They wouldn't know Jesus if He sat down next to them and most would probably throw him out of the church.

I found Jesus again many years ago at the foot if my bed on my knees. I didn't need to go to a church to find Him. Even if I did go to one they probably would have thrown me out. Jesus met me where I was, just the way I was. He loved me because of WHO HE IS not because of me.

See, I believe He loved me just as much when I was face down in my puke passed out drunk as He does today sober for many years. He loves us all that way. We cannot earn His love, we must let it into our hearts.

So, when you get through with all your religious trappings and traditions today. Go home, take your nice clothes off and hit your knees at the foot of your bed. For it is in the quiet solitude and humility of your heart that you will find Him...closer than your next heartbeat. Oh and while your down there maybe you could stop and truly thank Him for the sacrifice He made.

Its Only You I Want to Hold

By Andrea Tadpole

Sitting in the silence
Watching thoughts of you
Float by

You've invaded me
Like a parasite
Viral and rapid
Impossible to deny

Was our meeting
By chance
Or divine appointment
From above

I cannot tell
All I know is
I cannot shake you
I've been conquered
By your love

I lay in bed at night
My imagination fired
Passions run wild
In the secret garden
Of my mind

It's only you
I want to hold

For My Granddaughters

By Andrea Tadpole

My grandma left this earth
Many years ago
Yet her voice and words are still alive
Deep within my soul

She taught me of integrity
And to always be true
To love and support my family
No matter what they do

I was young and dumb you see
And did not understand
The treasure God had given me
Right within my hands

My grandma's wisdom
Far surpassed her years
She did not mind speaking truth
Even if it brought me tears

While she was not perfect
Her love for me was strong and deep
She always said at night she prayed for me
And gladly sacrificed her sleep

I know that I'm alive today
Because of grandma's prayers

Now I myself am grandma
Almost fifty years of my life have passed
I understand my sacred task

When your fifty I won't be here
You'll be a grandma too
Will you remember
How we use to laugh and play
And all I taught you
Or will thoughts of me just fade away

I hope you don't forget me
And to each memory grab ahold
Tuck it deep inside your heart
For it is a treasure
Worth much more than gold
So many years from now
When I have gone away
If you need me I am there
Just sit still and listen

My voice and words are still alive
Deep within your soul
I love you forever
And I will never let you go

You Are Part of Me

By Andrea Tadpole

You are a part of me
You are the space
Between each breath I take
The reason my heart beats

Without you
Life was pointless and gray
With you
What can I say

You've given me a reason to live
Rekindled love in my heart again
What was once a dying ember
Is now a roaring flame

You are part of me
And will be
Now and forever

My Personal Vows

By Andrea Tadpole

Written 6/22/2001

I give myself to you unreservedly. I leave my old life behind and cleave unto a new life with you. As I embark on this journey with you I promise always to keep you in the forefront of my mind. I promise always to be loyal to you, even if that means personal sacrifice.

I will treat you with respect, dignity and gentleness. I will be there for you no matter what. When it looks like the world has walked out on you, I will be there right by your side. I will love you, encourage you, and support you in all that you do. I promise never to abandon you.

You do not always have to be strong and you do not have to do life alone anymore. You can rely on me. I will be a source of strength to you when you are weak.

I promise always to conduct myself in an honest and trustworthy manner, not only with you, but others. I promise to set special time aside to spend with you regularly. I promise to be attentive to your needs and feelings, I promise to listen to you even when we don't agree. When we do disagree I promise to “not let the sun go down on my wrath”. I promise to endeavor to live in a spirit of unity and compromise with you.

I give you my heart and all my love.

If I Died Tonight

By Andrea Tadpole

If I died tonight
Would you miss me
Would you have regrets
Things you should have said or done

Would you miss my smile
Crave my touch
In the very depths of your soul
Yet know that you’d never have it
That I’d never be there to hold

If I died tonight
Would your heart ache
And grasp desperately at any way
To cross the great divide
For just a second with me
With your arms open wide

Out of nowhere
Would you hear my voice
Calling out your name
Would you feel your heart leap
Maybe even look
Then remember I’m gone forever
I won’t be coming back again

Eternity is a long time
There are no overs
So why are you wasting your life
And why are you wasting mine

If I died tonight
How would you feel
Really
Stop for one minute and think
How would you feel

I guess I’m the only one that’s real
I live in the moment
I live in now
Sometimes that’s not pretty
Sometimes it’s not happy, joyous and free
It sucks
It’s just reality

See I understand
We don’t live forever
Today is all we have

If you need me
I’m there
I’ll listen
I’ll carry the burden with you
Because I know

If you died tonight
I’d miss you
You’re in my heart
Part of me would die too

If I died tonight
Would you miss me
Just asking
Just need to know
It seems like I'm not that special
Easily forgotten
Even easier to let go

I Have No Muse

NOTE: This was written several months ago. I am just now getting it added to my blog.

By Andrea Tadpole

I have no muse
I have decided

Maybe I’m wrong
I don’t know

Maybe it’s the whole world
The circumstances
That I find myself in
Situations that prick my heart
Make my soul bleed
Make me want to beg for breath

Maybe it’s the things that bring me
The greatest joy
And the deepest sorrow

Maybe it’s the events and moments
That I find so tantalizing to my mind
That I don’t know how to say it
Or put it into words

I’m an artist
I’m a painter
I’ve lost the use of my hand
I cannot paint reality anymore
I struggle so hard
I want more than anything
To paint what I see
Yet I’ve lost my voice
I’ve lost my brush

All I have left
Are mere words
And somehow
They’re not enough

To open up my heart
To put it on a canvas
The colors speak and say
What I feel

But words
They aren’t enough

And yet I keep trying to write
To show you who I am
If you would just read and listen
You’d see my soul
You’d see my heart
You’d see my mind

But why don’t you take the time
Why don’t you let me in

I feel like I’ve lost my muse
I know I did

His heart was beautiful
And strong and true
Eyes blue as the sky
Touch deep as the ocean
Kiss sweeter than any sugar on earth
Yet he won’t let me in
My heart is broken

So here I am once again
Writing a damned poem about it
That nobody will ever read
It doesn’t matter

So easily forgotten
That’s me
Always am

So I sit with my paper
And I write

No one listens
No one reads

Just silly words
Just stupid feelings
So much for me

I have no muse
What does it matter
Who cares what I see

I Am A Woman

By Andrea Tadpole

Do not try to possess me
For in the pursuit of me
You will lose me

I am not an object
To obtain
I am a woman
To experience

Do not try to rein me in
Or dress me like a doll
I’m not a trinket on your arm
Not just a hole to stick it in

I am a being
With a heart and spirit
I have a mind
I am alive

Do not try to contain me
For I cannot be subdued
Let me run
Wild and free

When you do
I will return
To the seat of your soul
Like your missing rib
I will be there
For you to have and to hold

But only if you
Let me be
Set me free
Give me breath and life

If you try to tame me
I will run
I always do

I am not a possession
I am a woman
A gift sent from above
For you

You Kiss Me

By Andrea Tadpole

You kiss me
And I dream about you
For days

Our eyes meet
My heart takes flight
All I can think of is you
Holding me
Through the night

I long for you
When you’re not near
A piece of me is gone

Your touch
Lingers on my skin
Your scent
I can’t erase

Everything about you
Your stature
Your face
Drives me wild
With insatiable delight

You’re my soulmate
My lover
My best friend

I Just Want A Lover, I Just Want A Friend

By Andrea Tadpole

Don’t ever try to pull me up
Unless somebody knocks me down
Just walk beside me
'Cause I like having you around

I don’t need a rescuer
I don't need a prince
I just want a lover
I just want a friend

You say I’m strong and independent
And while those things are true
I still need someone at times
To stand beside me
And lend an ear or hand

I do not want charity
Or patronization
I hate games
And dramatization

I don’t need a rescuer
I don't need a prince
I just want a lover
I just want a friend

With no agenda
No expectations
Let’s walk together
See where it begins and ends

I don’t have the answers
I never will
I just know we're not meant
To travel alone

So come with me
Embark on this journey
For as long as it lasts
Like I said

I don’t need a rescuer
I don't need a prince
I just want a lover
I just want a friend

Forever With You

by Andrea Tadpole

You burst into my life
Like an shooting star
My long lost prince
Come from afar

To take me away
Make me your bride
Beside you forever
Is where I’ll abide

With your smile you pulled me in
Like a magnet to my heart
From you
I will never part

I lay awake at night
Dream of you
Feel your breath on my neck
Your body pressed against mine
Your kiss on my lips
Tastes sweeter than wine

How long must I wait
For you to appear
When all I want
Is for you to be near

We steal sacred moments
Alone in the dark
With oceans between us
We’ve nowhere to park

At a screen with words
Worth more than gold
We plot and plan our future
And talk of growing old

Someday we say
We will walk hand in hand
In this life
Never feel sorrow
Or have any strife

Oh how I want to believe
You’re the man of my dreams
Yet here I wait hoping you really are true
That you’ll come take me away
Forever with you

The Four Leaf Clover

When I was a little girl I used to spend hours and hours searching for four leaf clovers. I would lay in the yard all day and evening lost in my pursuit. Nothing else mattered. All the hurt and pain of my crazy life and the abuse would fade away when I was picking through the clover. When I would get tired of looking I would roll over on my back and watch the clouds. I loved to pick out shapes and animals. It was as if time stood still when I did that.

One evening I was watching the clouds right at sunset. The sky was a beautiful golden orange color. All at once it was as if the clouds were a gate and they opened. I saw a brightly lit figure. A man yet a spirit. I could not see his face because the light was so bright but I knew it was Jesus. I laid there for what seemed forever totally transfixed on Him. At total peace and in total awe. Finally this holy moment was broken by the sound of my mom calling me in for dinner. As I rolled over to get up I found a four leaf clover.

That day is forever etched in my mind. When life knocks me down I remember that moment. I call to mind the peace He gave me while I hunted for four leaf covers.

Smoldering

By Andrea Tadpole

I sit here smoldering
With thoughts of you
The passion we shared
Takes my breath away
Your scent lingers on me
Your sweet lips on my thighs
Your tender touch
I long to feel

Where Are You

By Andrea Tadpole

It's as if I don't exist
I'm trapped in a black abyss
Everyone says they love me
They will be there if I fall
Yet when I'm scared
Need someone's touch
There's no one there to call

Problems lie before me
They seem bigger
Than the world

No solution
Or resolution
Can't fix them
On my own

I know there is a God
That He loves me
Through and through
He has a plan to save me
But it most likely
Includes you

So where did you go
Your presence gone
Your touch withdrawn
My heart aches so

I cannot wait any longer
Must move on
And start anew
I guess it doesn't matter
Least of all
Not to you

Sitting On the Porch

By Andrea Tadpole

Sitting on the porch
Throbbing with desire
Heart pounding
Wanting you so bad

Mind racing madly
Searching for a clue
As to why
You don't see me

Did I come on too fast
Push too hard
Open up too much

Not trying to grab you
Don't want to cling
Just want to experience
The moment
The now
With you

Is that wrong
Too much
Too soon
Too fast
What

I don't understand
Come here
Go away
You pull me close
Then push me away

I want to stay
Close to you
In your arms
Just for today

The future is uncertain
All that exists is now
If we hesitate
It's lost forever
Far beyond our grasp

Nothing lasts but this second
Please don't throw it all away
By letting fear get in the way

Maybe if we jump together
The fall
Won't hurt at all

On the River Bridge

by Andrea Tadpole On the river bridge Wishing you were here Holding my hand Kissing me Caressing me Talking about nothing Spending time together With no agenda Just to be I sit and wait But you don't call Seems I don't even Cross your mind Was it real Did we make love Share the ultimate gift Explode together with passion Or was it all a dream A silly fantasy The one I want The most Is the furthest From my reach What are you afraid of Why do you shut me out And run away When all I want Is for you to stay Everyone else is invited In your life Yet I am held at bay I know where I'm not wanted Seems I just Get in the way So there's nothing Left to say

Begging for Crumbs

by Andrea Tadpole I realized last night I have wasted my life Sitting under the table Begging for crumbs That never come When God has a banquet Prepared in another Space and time I'm not sure why It has taken me so long To release myself from The pain of rejection That comes from waiting For little scraps of Attention Affection Just some little sign That never appears Yet now that the scales That blinded me Have lifted I've set myself free No more It ends here Now I'm not wasting my life Waiting under a table Begging for crumbs That never come

My One and Only Muse

by Andrea Tadpole My one and only Muse When I watch you From afar Passion envelopes me You have invaded me You occupy my mind When our eyes meet Two universes collide New stars are born My creativity is fired In levels I never knew When we aren't together I imagine your ways Your sky blue eyes flash When you smile at me My heart skips a beat Your rough hands Touch so tenderly Your lips are soft and sweet Insatiable desire Stirs deep within me I am left with mere words To convey the feelings You ignite inside me My one and only Muse

2:30 In the Morning

by Andrea Tadpole

2:30 in the morning

Should be sleeping

Yet cannot stop

Thinking about you

The way you look at me

From across the room

The way I feel when our eyes meet

You touch me

It lights a fire within me

You kiss me

My knees go weak

You whisper in my ear

Sending tingles down my spine

You're an unexpected treasure

A rare jewel tossed aside

Yet here you are

In front of me

A precious gift

Sent from above

Listening to Some Old Timer Blather

by Andrea Tadpole

Sitting here
Listening to some old timer blather
Just wish he'd shut up
Sit down
Put a sock in his mouth

He's a liar
A fraud
Sure not a winner
Always preying
On young girl beginners

What the Hell
Did he ignore the steps
Fucking sicko
I'd like to wring his neck

Years of sobriety
Dont mean shit
When one never
Changes the way
That they live

Guess the lesson
I've learned is
How not to be
Real in a meeting

Fuck it
I'm outa here
I'm done
Walking away
Before I vomit

So Far Away

by Andrea Tadpole Time goes slowly When you're So far away My mind's eye sees Your sexy smile I imagine Your tender touch Want to call you Just say hi Yet I know you need This time alone So I sit here imagining Your return Hope you wrap me In your arms Kiss me long With passion Hope the time So far away Doesn't make you Forget me

Subdued In a Corner

by Andrea Tadpole Subdued in a corner Tigress locked deep inside Quietly watching you Passion overflows I imagine the feel Of your sweet lips Pressed against mine Your scent Your touch Our bodies intertwined Visions pass through My mind Of stolen moments Alone with you Where time is suspended In rhapsody divine Then I come to my senses Remember where I'm at Subdued in a corner Tigress locked deep inside Quietly watching you

Play In the Rain Together

by Andrea Tadpole

This poem is for a very special friend of mine – you know who you are :-)

Storm clouds on the horizon

Uncertainty beckons at the door

You’re in the tempest tossed

You don’t know whether to

Embrace your life

Or give up because all is lost

The way looks dark and lonely

You don’t know just what to do

The rain comes

You hear a voice inside you say

You can’t go out and play

Who says you can’t

What’s gonna happen

Catch a cold

Not true

So grab a friend

Go splash and play

Live for the moment

Just for today

Reality is

All we have is this second

If we miss it

It’s gone forever

Then we’ll never know

What it would have been like to

Play in the rain together

Places No One Else Has Ever Been

by Andrea Tadpole

You never cease to amaze me
With your eloquent words

They ignite a fire of passion
Deep within my soul
Leave me with a thirst
That only you can quench

Oh, how I want to feel
Your tender touch
Your gentle kiss

Smell you
Taste you
Take you deep within

To the places
No one else has ever been

Slow Dancing With You

by Andrea Tadpole

Slow dancing with you
In the darkness of my mind
Keeping perfect rhythm
To the beat of our two hearts

Passions ignited
Bodies intertwined
As you rock and roll me
All thru the night

In the fire light
You take me
To another world
Where time is suspended
Nothing else exists

You totally consume me
As I suck you deep within
Feel you rub against me
Body soft and warm

Your scent
Your touch
Your tender kiss
Boy you drive me wild

Then I awake
It was only a dream
Where I was
Slow dancing with you
In the darkness if my mind

Hidden Fantasy Locked Inside

by Andrea Tadpole

Hidden fantasy Locked inside As I secretly watch you From across the room Your big strong arms Your flashing smile That sexy voice Those gorgeous eyes Set me on fire Drive me wild I want to taste you Suck you deep within Feel your gentle kiss Tender touch Our bodies Writhing together In rapturous ecstacy Then I realize its A hidden fantasy Locked inside Only you Hold the key To set me free

Destiny's Shoes

by Andrea Tadpole

I wrote this note to my 11 year old granddaughter Destiny. She has a hard time finding pretty, girly shoes for her age. Unfortunately, she inherited a disorder from me that makes her toes look different from most peoples. She is embarassed and teased about her feet all the time. We went and bought some shoes one day and she got teased about them so I sent her this note:

Do not let anyone make you feel bad about your shoes or feet. When people make fun or say something bad about a person's differences it just shows how stupid and mean they really are. You are beautiful. What your feet look like or what shoes you wear don't make you who you are. Who you are is what is in your heart. You have a beautiful heart and I love you very much. So wear your shoes proudly with your head held high.

The Story of Walter Pigeon

by Andrea Tadpole

Before I tell you this story let me preface it with this. I am a Christian, but not a very strict one. By that I mean that I do not choose to practice organized religion on a regular basis. That’s not to say I never go to church, I’m just not one that is devoted to any one church or denomination. I am a spiritual person, not religious. I believe in God and Jesus, I pray every day, but I am not a holy roller if you know what I mean. My relationship with God is very personal and not up to scrutiny by a bunch of religious nuts. I allow everyone the right to worship God however they want and expect the same in return. So I don’t want you to think I’m a Bible thumper, I’m not. If you are that’s cool. I’m not opposed at all; I just am not as rigid as most. Anyway, here’s the true story of a pigeon named Walter:

The Story of Walter Pigeon

One cold, dreary, rainy fall day when I was picking my kids up from school I rescued an injured pigeon from a group of kids who had surrounded it and were yelling and kicking water in its face. I wrapped him in my coat and took him home. I put him in my dog crate in the garage with a blanket on the floor of it so he would stay warm. He was thin for a pigeon. His chest and under his wing was scraped up. He was freaked out too. I had never seen a pigeon’s eyes that big before!! I named him Walter. All winter he recuperated in the garage. I fed him, put Neosporin on his wounds and made sure he had plenty of water.

At the same time my second marriage was falling apart. My husband at the time had been in Narcotics Anonymous for 12 years and relapsed. He started using drugs again, they were prescription drugs but he was playing every doctor in Tulsa and abusing them. He turned into a monster and I was trying so hard to hold our marriage together because I loved the man he used to be. I was going to counseling to try to cope with it all. When I would get overwhelmed with everything, usually late at night, I would go sit on the steps inside the garage next to Walter and pet his head and talk to him about everything that was going wrong. He listened intently, probably because he had no choice, but I like to tell myself that he really cared about me since I had rescued him from the throng of kids. Anyway, over the months, Walter ate good and got nice and fat and happy. We became good friends. The counseling sessions had started to pay off for me and I was gaining confidence in myself. I took my focus off the passed out elephant in the bedroom that would rather sleep his life away than be a part of his family and put it on me and my kids. We had a life without him. I knew that if he did not get clean again it was over but I tried to hang on and give him a chance.

Eventually my kids and I decided that we would release Walter on the first day of spring. We were all excited. We took his cage to the porch and said our goodbyes. Then I opened the cage thinking Walter would come running out and fly away. To my amazement, he didn’t. He just sat there looking at me. I kept saying, “Your free Walter, you’re free, you can fly away now!!” He didn’t move. I sat there looking at him for a minute wondering why he didn’t want to leave. I finally reached in, picked him up and put him on the porch outside of his cage. He sat there for a minute and looked at the cage and then the sky as if he was trying to decide what to do. Finally, he took off! Wow! What a beautiful sight!! He flew around and around, swooping and diving. He came and landed on the eave of my house and looked at me as if to say thank you. Then he flew away. I never saw him again.

That night I sat out on the porch and watched the stars. I thought about my whole experience with Walter Pigeon. I believed then and still do today that God comes to me in many ways to get my attention especially through animals. I suspect He came to me through Walter. Here was this pigeon, the one bird that is considered the nastiest, most unwanted and outcast bird in our society. Much like me he was hurt and alone in the rain. I came along and rescued him, fed him, gave him a warm place to live and heal from the hard knocks of life just like God has done that for me countless times in many different ways. Then when he was well and could fly free he was afraid and did not move until the one person he trusted the most reached in and helped him out. Like Walter I have been in my own cage or prison, a self imposed one many times despite the fact that God has already opened the door. I still let fear consume me at times and stay in the cage because it is familiar and safe even if I am locked up. Yet, God loves me enough that He will always reach in and ever so gently coax me out of my cage and into the beautiful flight of freedom.

I realized that night that God had been trying to tell me all this time that no matter what I chose to do He loved me and would take care of me and my kids. I could stay married and in this sick crazy world with my husband who had no intention of getting clean again or I could fly free, it was my choice. It was as if the weight of the world fell off my shoulders that night. I felt free. It was another year before my marriage ended but I knew that I was not alone. Since then my ex-husband eventually died of a drug overdose. It’s sad and there are days I miss him. Yet, I am still free and flying!!

Many years have passed since then. My kids are grown and I have beautiful grandchildren. Yet, every time I see a pigeon I still think of one very special pigeon named Walter who taught me how to be free. Fly high and free Walter!!