By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard
January 12, 2026 11:42am CST
(Written for my friend Dee Anna Rice)
First, let me preface this with my apologies for my post being so long. Sometimes it takes me a little bit to unravel what's in my heart.
Dee Anna Rice you are not a terrible person! I completely understand how you feel. I also think it is a very normal reaction to some very devastating shit that has happened. At least, that is the way I see it for myself.
I lost numerous friends during COVID. At the end of it when I thought my family was free and clear, my step dad and then my dad passed from it. My mom was in a rehab hospital in Florida when my step dad died. Everything was a nightmare. Just before it all started with my stepdad and my dad, I had brain surgery. I was still recovering from it, but somehow God gave me the strength to go get my mom in Florida and bring her home. All while working a remote job that I could not stand.
I got my mom home and settled in and got through my dad's burial. I thought everyone was doing okay and I could finally take a deep breath inside and relax a little. Then, I got laid off.
The day after I lost my job and health insurance, my husband fell and broke his neck. He had to have emergency surgery. The surgeon said he would never walk again. A couple of months after his fall, he had a blood clot in each lung, and almost died. I finally got him home after a rehab stay, but he has not been able to work since and can barely walk. He is still pretty much homebound. I managed to find another remote job that worked me to death but at least I had income.
Again, I thought I could breathe for a minute. Then January 20th last year my daughter and I found my stepmom passed away at home alone in her bathtub. My stepmom was my best friend. My heart was already broken in a thousand million pieces but after that, whatever was not broken was.
Since then, I have been slogging through the nightmare that being the executor of her will is. You would think that people in professional settings who know what you are going through would have a little bit more compassion and understanding. Sadly, they do not care. They act like no one died. To top it all off, I got laid off this past Christmas.
Today, my husband has no health insurance and he is still very sick. He got denied disability. Now, I have started the nightmarish process of dealing with Soonercare and the HealthCare Marketplace only to be sent running in circles chasing my tail to try to get him insurance. I did manage to get my unemployment going but it will not even scratch the surface of my bills. All, while trying to finish up this executorship that I wish I would have never taken on. Yet I know I have to see it through to the finish to make my dad proud.
I have been so keyed up and a massive ball of stress inside for so long that I have forgotten how to breathe. I do not know how to relax. When I do, I fall apart. I am mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. Who wouldn't be!?
What I have learned through all of this is that I need to give the most compassion and understanding to myself FIRST. I do not owe anyone any understanding or empathy at all until I can take care of me.
As a result, my circle has gotten incredibly small. Mainly because I am usually the one everybody runs to when they need something. No one checks on me, except for my kids and grandkids. Most people choose avoidance instead of being there with someone through the hard stuff. Believe me, it is not pretty when I am going through it emotionally or mentally at all. I have definitely found out who my friends AREN'T though. It amazes me that people who you would never think would care are the ones that show up on the hard days.
I will get through this. But, people need to understand that when someone is completely broken and grieving they just need someone to love them where they are at. They do not need a bunch of hollow words or crappy cards or flowers. They just need someone's presence. Their presence is the greatest present they could ever give. Sometimes, the greatest presence is when someone just sits with me. No words of inspiration. Just silent understanding.
I have not shared all this to make you think that my grief is worse than yours or yours is worse than mine. I have shared this so you know that you are not alone on this journey. I am right here with you. I completely understand not wanting to acknowledge another death, not wanting to go to another funeral, not wanting to put flowers on another grave yet again. Sometimes, a person can only take so much and they cannot take anymore or it is going to push them over the edge. When I cannot take anymore I do not do it. I just take care of me. The ones who really love me will understand and need no explanation. The others can go to hell.
The one thing that keeps me from falling over the edge is my faith in God, my Higher Power. He loves me right where I am at, even in the midst of absolutely ugly, horribly devastating grief. I know He loves you just as much. He understands that grief is not a pretty journey. He also carries us through it.
There is a verse in the Bible that I am sure I am going to totally obliterate with my paraphrasing it but it goes something like this, "He makes beautiful jars of clay out of broken vessels".
There is also a Japanese form of artwork that involves broken things. I do not remember what it is called but I am sure if you look it up you can find it. Basically, instead of trying to glue whatever is broken back together and hide any cracks or lines, the object is put back together with gold in the cracks so that they can be seen. The idea is that the golden cracks turn out to be our greatest assets and make us stronger. In that case I must be a sumo wrestler inside!
For me, what all this means is that there must be a reason why people like us are going through this. I think God puts us back together with our golden cracks showing so that others going through the same thing can find us easily. Then we can walk alongside them on their journey so they are not alone. Kind of like how you and I found eachother.
It also means to me that eventually we are going to heal, but we will not be the same women we were as before. How could we be? Yet, we will be beautiful with all of our gold showing and reflecting in the light of God's Holy Spirit.
Please know that my heart and prayers are always with you. You know where to reach me if you need a shoulder.
I love you!
Andrea
💖🌟💖
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