Undistancing Old Friends

Undistancing Old Friends

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

8/19/23

Warning! This is writing is pretty long, if you do not like it, scroll on and unfriend or stop following me. Otherwise forge ahead and try to hear my heart.

I was asked the following question from a "new" friend in LOYT. We are self appointed (more like divinely appointed) accountability partners too. My answer/discussion is below.

QUESTION: 

What do you think would happen if you tried to  lessen the distance between you and those friends that you have put some miles between?

ANSWER: 

This is a tough question for me to answer. I have been mulling this over for some time. Before I get started I feel I must explain that friendship to me is not some shallow, placating relationship. If I call you my friend, you are in my innermost circle, where I rarely allow anyone to be. This space is reserved only for the few I truly trust with my heart. I know what is said between those in my innermost circle and myself will never go any further. So, friendship is very sacred to me.

I realize you and I have not met face-to-face and we have not known eachother long. However, what the Spirit knows, the Spirit knows. I cannot explain it other than to say that I know God brought us together for a reason and hopefully it is for way more than one season. We are like kindred Spirits who have always known eachother, maybe in another lifetime, who knows? So here goes with my answer.

I have always been a loner. I do not know why. As a kid I was not interested in social gatherings. I thought girls were drama queens and I did not waste my time with them. I was an artist and I preferred to do art instead of play back-biting schoolgirl games. Looking back, I do remember this one girl named Becky. She tried to be my friend for longest time. She called me often just to talk and invited me to various functions but I never went. At the same time I was being subjected to abuse from family members. I did not tell anyone because I figured it would not do any good. So, I suspect part of my keeping her at bay was because I was in survival mode and shut down inside. I have always regretted not investing in a friendship with her back then. It is worth noting that I started drinking alcohol and smoking at the age of 10, yet another reason for distance.

Fast forward to adulthood. By the time I was 21 years old I was married with 2 kids under the age of 3. My marriage was a mess. We were both alcoholic/addicts. My husband was physically and emotionally abusive to me so there was no room in my life for true friendships. I finally got divorced, went to treatment, got sober and started my sobriety journey in 1986. I had female sponsors in AA who led through the 12 steps but still no real friends. 

I met a woman when I had about 5 years sober who became a very close friend for 20+ years. We told eachother everything and walked through life together. I had a couple of other female friends too in that timespan. Over those 2 decades I was married and divorced 3 times. I'm on my 4th and last marriage now. 

All of these so-called friends tended to be judgemental of my walk in life. They would get mad at me for not leaving my jacked up marriages fast enough. They would periodically just stop talking to me because I "lived in the problem" too long according to their standards. I never shut them out of my life no matter whether I agreed with their choices or not. I still to this day do not understand how one can say they are your friend, yet judge you at the same time.

So, in 2020 when things started unraveling around me and I found out brain surgery was coming in my near future, all of my so-called friends scattered like roaches, nowhere to be found except for my one friend who I will call Jane in order to protect her anonymity. I figured the others were never really my friends, they were just takers and negative nannies in my life, so I moved on.

Jane and I remained friends. We were both recovering alcoholics. We talked every day, met for coffee, and often prayed together about situations that we were troubled by. Then one day Jane relapsed and started drinking again. I still maintained a relationship with her and we still talked every day. I kept hoping she'd get sober again. 

Long story short, at the beginning of the pandemic alcohol took its toll on her. She was losing her mind and at death's doorstep. Finally, one day her husband and I got her to go by ambulance to ER and they admitted her. No one could see her due to COVID protocols and the shutdown. She ended up in long-term treatment because she pickled her brain with alcohol.

I went from talking to Jane everyday for years to not knowing if she was alive or dead for months. It broke my heart. Then one day, out of the blue she called me. She remembered me and things like who I was married to and my kids but she thought we were college roommates too. She wanted to know why I wasn't home for dinner yet. This was devastating to me. Here is this woman who I had known and loved for years and she barley remembered me.

When someone close to you dies its devastating. However, when someone you love deeply loses their mind through alcoholism, alzheimers, dementia or something like that; in some ways its worse than death. Eventually I had to stop answering the phone to save my own sanity because to hear her voice stirred everything up in me all over, again and again. How do you grieve that kind of loss? 

After brain surgery even Jane was gone. Then my parents got sick, my dad and stepdad died, I moved my mom back from Florida and she stayed with me till she got back on her feet. I was being pulled in a thousand different directions all while continuing to work full time. Was I stressed? Who wouldn't be?!

I tried to reconnect with my old friends but they treated me like I was not there. They didn't want to listen to what was "really going on" in my life. They were too busy or whatever excuse they had. I don't expect any friend to fix me, nor do I expect them to do all the heavy lifting in our relationship. Yet, when I am the one always making the effort and the other one doesn't; at some point it becomes obvious that it's all a one-sided relationship.

So, metaphorically speaking, I figured the road runs both ways and I was the only one driving on it. I stopped making contact. After a few months of silence went by I reached out to each one and asked why the distance. Every one of them said it was because my life was too complicated for them. I never replied back. I just moved on.

I never based friendship with someone on how uncomplicated or perfect their life was. I just loved them where they were at and tried to shoulder their burdens with them. I'm not perfect. I'm not angry with my old friends. If anything I'm deeply hurt at being thrown away so easily! I am also angry at myself for not realizing they were not really friends in the first place. They were only takers and I was an easy mark.

So, in my mind, what would happen if I lessened the distance between me and my old friends is that I would be sucked dry by them too. Honestly, there isn't much left of me to give to takers if that makes sense. Between grieving the losses I have had, especially my dad, and other problems in my life I do not have much left inside of me to give to a one-sided friendship that contributes nothing positive to my life. Note: I even feel guilty for saying that, but it's true.

Anyways, I have spent alot of time alone in my innermost circle. I've been working on me. Maybe I will never lessen the distance with these old friends, just bury those relationships in the past and build healthier ones in the future.

I feel like I should apologize for this diatribe I have written but I'm not going to. This is me. I'm too wordy and awkward at best most days in any relationship. Yet, I believe God has divinely appointed us to travel this journey together for now. So here I am girl! WYSIWYG! I am messed up inside. I'm not perfect, nor do I expect you to be. You are one of the very few whom I call friend in my "new" normal and my "new" life that God is rebuilding for me.

So, welcome to my innermost circle! I pray God richly blesses you each and every day.

In the Grip of His Amazing Grace,

Andrea 💜