Keep Shining My Little Light

Keep Shining My Little Light

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

8/12/23

I was not going to share this but, after reading this maybe you will understand why I did. Yes, my writing about it is a little long. However, I refuse to apologize for it. Writing is part of who I am. Please understand what you are about to read is NOT about religion or "all" churches. It is about my recent experience of being deeply hurt by one. 

I had a situation a few months ago that broke me in two about my writing. I have not told anyone about it until now. It was too embarrassing. At the time, I was doing all I could to stay connected and active in a local church because of the tremendous grief and depression I felt due to all the loss I had been through. Church leadership knew first hand about all the hell I had been through and my dad dying. They actually had recently officiated my stepdad's funeral. So, in my mind there was no excuse for what happened.

The church started an online Bible study and the associate pastor asked me to be a part of it. He wanted me to help get people involved. I reluctantly agreed. The topic of discussion one day reminded me of a story I wrote years ago about milemarkers. I really felt like God wanted me to share it because someone needed to read it. So, I posted it. It was not anything rude or inappropriate for a "church" audience so I figured it was okay. A few people actually liked it. 

A couple of days later I got a text from the associate pastor telling me that I was scaring people off and to not post long stories ever again, only links. When he texted me, I happened to be in my artroom bawling my eyes out over my dad. His text made the way I felt a thousand times worse. I did not reply to him and still have not done so. I have nothing good to say to him so why say anything at all?

I gave myself a day to cool off. Then, I deleted all posts I had made, deleted my account and uninstalled the church app. I called the church secretary and told her to take me off membership, that I would no longer attend there. A few days later, the pastor called all apologetic and begged me to come back. I politely refused and I have not and will not go back.

I have been so deeply hurt by this that I am afraid to post my writings. I never was afraid before. Now, I go through this mental masturbation before I can finally give myself permission to post anything for fear of being ridiculed and shutdown again.

Sadly, once again, I am reminded that most (not all) churches would not recognize Jesus if He sat down next to them during the service. They would be too busy kicking Him out because He did not fit their mold of what He "should" look like. Instead of loving people where they are at and trying to help them heal, they are too busy killing their wounded because the reality they are living is not pretty. They sure tried to kill my spirit. THEY DID NOT SUCCEED!!

It makes me angry that people who preach so eloquently on God's amazing love and tender mercy on Sundays will kick someone when they are down like they did me. How dare them tell me to hide the light God gave me!! 

That is why part of the reason one of my commitments in the next 90 days is to share my voice and gifts God gave me. I do not care how scared I am to post my writings. I will do it because it is healing for me and it is part of who am. It is part of the purpose God gave me for my life. To not do it is like fire being locked in my soul. So, I hope everyone can give a little grace and let me keep shining my little light. 

In His Grip,

Andrea 💜