Ruminating

Ruminating 

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

7/7/23

This question was posed to me today:

What positive evidence exists that you are ruminating less?

I looked up the definition and to ruminate means to think deeply about something. I do not necessarily think that ruminating is a negative thing. It depends on what I am thinking about. Let me give you an example. 

Before I got clean and sober my every waking moment was consumed with thinking and planning how to get my next fix, pill or drink. I would gladly sacrifice all, tell whatever lies I had to, basically do whatever I had to do to get it. Whatever values I had were long gone. My mind was completely obsessed or stuck in never-ending rumination over alcohol and drugs.

The first few months I was sober I went from ruminating over alcohol and drugs to ruminating over the past and all the mistakes and bad choices I made. It got so bad that I nearly relapsed. Then, God put a woman in my life who bulldozed through my BS. She taught me how to change and redirect my thinking to ruminating over "the solution" aka the 12 steps instead of drinking and drugging. 

I reluctantly agreed to work the 12 steps with her. Honestly, some times she drug me through them. I would call crying about something. Her broken record answer would be, "Have you prayed? Did you write your gratitude list today? What step are you on? Are your dishes done? Did you make your bed?" Any time I could not answer her questions she would tell me to call her back when I had those things done. I finally started getting serious about my recovery and would do anything she asked of me so I could stay sober because I knew if I drank again I would surely die or be walking dead which was worse.

I remember sometime around 6 or 9 months sober I was walking through the hall at work and I was smiling. It was not a fake, plastered on smile. It was a smile that came from the very core of my being out. I stopped in mid stride and thought, "I have not smiled like this ever!" Then it dawned on me, I had not thought about drinking in at least a month. For me, this was a miracle and still is today!! That was my first of many spiritual awakenings.

In the process of reflecting on ruminating tonight, I realized that after my Dad died it was like a major shot to everything inside me. I truly believe God's grace has kept me from relapsing until I could get back up and start using the tools again that this woman gave me so many years ago.

Today, my thinking is clearer and more focused. I am not dithering in circles. The smile is growing inside me again. I am so thankful that God, the Universe, the primordial ooze or whatever you choose to call it has lead me to this group. Michael and every member have helped me find myself again, for that I am truly grateful! I look forward to reading and posting every day. Finally, I am ruminating on something positive again. Like I said, ruminating is not a bad thing if I am focused on the positive things! ❤️ 

P.S. if you want to find a group that is awesome look up Gratitude Slam on Facebook. Michael Ian Cedar is the leader and he is amazing! He is the one who posed this question.