One Year Ago and A Thousand Nights

One Year Ago and A Thousand Nights

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

2/10/23

One year ago I was at the hospital with my Dad. I had a premonition to take off work the next day because I knew he was going to die. I did not want my step mom to be alone either. It was one of those times that I wish I was not there; yet I would not havr been anywhere else but by my Daddy's side. I had called and texted my brother several times begging him to come be there with us. My brother finally managed to find time, get permission from his wife or whatever reason he had for not being around to come. 

My memory of time is a little blurry but I know it was the wee hours of the morning when the Physicians Assistant came in to talk to us. My Dad had just had a bout of tachycardia and they got his heartbeat back to normal. He was having a hard time breathing and could not talk. The Physicians Assistant asked him if he wanted them to take every measure to try and save him. He nodded yes. She said they would try.

I remember sleeping in a folding chair next to his bed. It is amazing what we can withstand when we love someone so deeply. I would doze off for a few, then wake up and pray. Sometimes my Dad would grab my hand for me to hold his. I held hands and watched TV with him every evening for 3 months before he died. Oh what I would give to do that again! 

We got through the night and I thought there was a glimmer of hope. Maybe I was wrong. Surely he would pull through. The day drug by as if in slow motion. A few hours before he died his oxygen level started going down. They tried the bipap but it did not help. They decided to put him on a ventilator and made us leave the room. A few minutes later the lung doctor came and got us. She said his lung had collapsed. They could put a tube in his lung but there was no guarantee he would make it and asked what we wanted to do. We decided to go see Dad and then make a decision. My Daddy was so weak and frail. I told my step mom he had been through too much. She told the doctor to stop everything. They took the ventilator off of him and let us back in the room. 

I do not know how long we stood by him, me on one side, my stepmom on the other and brother at his feet. It could have been 5 minutes or 5 hours, I do not know. It was as if time stood still. I just remember never letting go of my Daddy's hand and him never letting go of mine. Our eyes were locked in a gaze for the longest time. I finally told him, "Daddy just go home. It's okay, just go home. I'll be there with you some day. Till then I'll be okay and I'll take care of Linda. I promise I will." Right after that he gently squeezed my hand and died.

Everyone thinks that I am strong but I tell you I am not. I collapsed to my knees by his hospital bed and sobbed uncontrollably for I do not know how long. My brother and my stepmom had left the room and I was there alone. I felt like my whole world crashed down around me. I lost the one man that I have loved the longest, for my whole life. We had our rough patches in life but our love for eachother always guided us back. He was my hero, my confidant, my best friend, my safe place in this crazy world. I did not know how I would go on without him. I finally composed myself, kissed my Daddy on his forehead and said goodbye.

I wish I could say that my family all pulled together and helped us get through the funeral and everything. Sadly, those who I now call my siblings because they do not deserve the title brother or sister in my life, were nowhere to be found. I tried to get them to pull together with me and help bury our Father but they were too busy fighting over control of money that was never there, to be of any sort of support to my stepmom and I. Had it not been for my children, grandchildren and husband I do not know how I would have made it through it all.

Because my siblings refused to be a part of anything, I wrote my Father's obituary and eulogy, I planned the agenda for the memorial service and I designed and printed the cards for the service. My daughter helped my stepmom with scheduling everything. My son and his wife handled the video and music for the service. I officiated the memorial service. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Yet, as the oldest child, I wanted to make my Father proud. 

I did the best I could every step of the way, all while being assaulted and lied about on social media by my siblings. It is so sad to me that they have never realized how much I loved them. After all the emotional and verbal abuse and other stuff they pulled, they have obliterated the bridge back to me. That is on them. See, I know in my heart I did what was right by my Father and I have no regrets.

After the dust settled and life went back whatever normal was for everyone else, it was not normal for me and I do not believe it will be ever again. I miss my Dad with every fiber of my being. It has been one year but I feel like I have cried a thousand nights. I do not know if I will ever stop crying. I do not know if I will ever stop having moments when I forget and try to call or text my Dad. I do not if my shattered, broken heart will ever heal.

I keep myself busy and push myself to take joy in little things. One of my greatest pleasures are my grandchildren. I love them very deeply. Each one of them has a special place in my heart and always will. They are the oil of joy for my broken heart.

I know that my Dad would tell me to pull it together and stop being so sad. I try to keep myself occupied. I started quilting. I enjoy doing it. I think it is very therapeutic too. I am working on a blanket of valor for my Dad right now. I stopped in the middle of making it and made my grandson one for his birthday in December. I felt like my Dad would want it that way. When I finish his blanket of valor I am going to make my granddaughters, my son, daughter and step mom one too. I am sure I will make one for my mom, daughter in love and husband too. So, I will have plenty to keep me busy for awhile. Quilting does not take away the fact that my Dad is gone but it keeps me focused. So, it is part of my new normal.

I have rambled enough. I just wanted to stop and remember my Daddy tonight. I hold on to the hope that I will see him again some day in Heaven. The love we share is still alive and will never die. I love you my sweet Daddy. You will never be forgotten.