Random Thoughts on 8-17-12

by Andrea Tadpole

I have a lot of things on my mind these days. Too many thoughts run through my head and I cannot focus on one. I am so lonely most of the time, even when I'm in a crowd. I see people around me but I peer at them as if through a crack in my door. Inside, everyone is held at bay. They only get in so far and I choke. I don't know why. I am not REALLY talking to anyone. I find myself smiling and nodding a lot but never really saying where I am at. I feel myself slipping away but I don't know where I am going.

I went to a funeral for a friend's baby boy the other day. During the eulogy I stood there and thought about all the deaths I have been through. Since 2004 I have buried at least 10 family members and friends. The very thought of it sickens me. The sorrow is at depths I have never known and there are no words to describe it.

My mind went back to my granddaughter Zoey's birth, her 11 minute fight to live and her death. Her funeral is a blur now. All I remember is begging God over and over to let me switch places with her. A couple of years later we buried her bother Mikey, a few spots over from her.

Mikey was my only grandson. There is no way to describe the torment I went through when Mikey died. I was not allowed at the viewing. I was banned from the funeral and not allowed to stand under the same pavilion I was sitting at today. I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to him; all because of some asinine misunderstanding. It crushed me to the very depths of my soul. I sat on my granddaughter's bench and sobbed during the service. The evil ones running the show, my son's mother-in-law and father-in-law tried to have me removed from the grounds. It didn't work. I was allowed to drop a single handful of dirt on my grandson's tiny coffin and that was all. There was no one to really console me. The one's that were there expected me to just shake it off and move on.

Since that horrible day my son and I have rebuilt our relationship. His sorry excuse for a wife is now an ex and her evil spirited family is gone. All that's left are the two graves of my two grandchildren whom I would gladly give my life up for still today. The relationship I was in is over. I was laid off from my job. Everything in my life has fallen apart. It's all dead and gone.

While I was thinking about these things I was gazing at the crowd and I saw my friend Donnie in the background. For a brief moment my heart leapt inside me. I have missed him so much. He was smiling his ornery smile that always made me laugh. I chuckled in the midst of my tears. Then I remembered; Donnie was killed in a head on collision a couple of months ago. I didn't go to his funeral because I could not bear it.

At that moment I knew Donny's spirit was there to tell me goodbye and that he was okay. I am grateful for that gift, yet it does not make reality any better. It does not make the gnawing ache in my heart go away. I am afraid the knot in my throat is permanent and I will choke back tears for the rest of my life.

Over the past few years I have had to pull myself from the ashes and try to move on; I just don't do it very gracefully. How can one recover from such annihilation with any dignity left? How does one do it? Tell me, because I haven't found a way. The best I can do is just make it through each day, one day at a time.

There are days the ache in my heart is suffocating and it is a fight to get out of bed and go to work. At times I have no ability to really connect with anyone. I am just there. That's all. I am an artist. I love to create whether its a painting, drawing, stained glass, photography; yet I have hit a block in many of my creative outlets. I have not painted or drawn anything since Zoey died. I started a painting of her. The sorrow was so heavy I could not finish it. It's still in my closet unfinished. I keep thinking some day I will get back to it.

The one thing I have done continually is writing. I love writing my thoughts and feelings. Like writing stories about my life and I love to write poetry. It is very healing. I don't think I am a good writer but it helps to put it out there. I have a blog where I keep it all. I secretly hope I get thousands of followers some day but know in reality that will probably not happen.

Today I have a job. It's not a permanent job, but nothing in this life is permanent anyway, is it? I honestly have no idea where I am going. I just want to find peace inside myself again. I want to quiet the gnawing ache in my heart or at least learn to live in spite of it. I want to paint and draw again. I want to find the courage to write the book I see in my heart. The pages are blank and that terrifies me. I suspect though that if I just start writing the words will come and the pages will be filled.

I find the greatest joy still lies in spending time with my granddaughters when I allow myself to do it. They are like soothing balm to my weary soul. True gifts of beauty, light, fire and joy from above. I am blessed to be there grandmother. They give me so much more than I could ever give them.

I am not sure where my life's journey will take me, but I hope it is somewhere good. I've had all the sorrow I can take for a lifetime.

Donnie Kirby

by Andrea Tadpole

For those of you who know me, you know that I have been sober in AA for almost 26 years, since July 5,1986. Over the years there have been a handful of people that I treasure as my friends. Donnie Kirby was one of them. Today I found out that Donnie was killed in a car accident.

Donnie was a member of my home group, High Noon at Rebos. He was one of the few people that were there for me when my life was falling apart last year. He was like the big brother I never had. He had a rotten sense of humor and laughter that was infectious. Donnie gave me hope and made me believe life could be fun again.

He celebrated two years of sobriety a few months ago. Things were looking up. He got a new truck and was going to school. Outwardly all looked well. Yet he relapsed. He went through treatment and gave it all he had, yet he relapsed again. Over the last couple of months he would call randomly. I could hear the torture in his voice. I wanted so much to save him yet I knew he was beyond my reach. He never made it back to AA.

Today my heart breaks because my best friend is gone. Yet the lesson he left behind for me is powerful. He has reminded me how important my sobriety is and how fragile life is. All we have is this moment...today. I love you Donnie, always have and always will. Fly free with the angels my dear friend. See you on the other side.

If I Could

by Andrea Tadpole

If I could
I'd let you see
How your presence
Infects me

Your flashing smile
And twinkling eyes
So suave and sensual
With debonair flair

Like a parasite
You invade me
I cannot deny
I am left with
Insatiable desire

If I could
I'd let you see
The fantasies
I've locked inside

I'd give up the fight
Run to you
Let my heart take flight
Our two bodies intertwined
Deep in the night

If I could
I'd give you my heart
From you
I'd never part

Oblivious To Me

By Andrea Tadpole

In the background
Secretly watching
Longing for you
With a thirst
Only you can quench

I go unnoticed
My existence unheeded

You brush by me
My knees go weak
Your scent drives me wild
My heart takes a leap

So close
Yet lifetimes apart

How do I bridge
The great divide
Get you to see me
Take me for a ride

Am I invisible
Can you not see
What you do to me

I blush
When our eyes meet
If only for a second
My palms sweat
I lose my breath

All I want is you
Yet you never see

You walk by
Oblivious to me

Last Pick

by Andrea Tadpole

I wish I was more than
Last pick
On your list

Wish you had
Unquenchable thirst
To be with me
Feel me
Just want to
Be first

We line up to
Choose teams
I'm passed over and over
Till no one is left

All alone
No one wants me
I am always
Last pick

You say that I'm
Beautiful
Passionate
Sensual
In my own
Unique way

So why do you
Throw me away
For someone prettier
Or new
Why can't you
Be true

I tell myself
I won't play the game
I will just
Walk away
I don't have to line up
To be left
All alone

Yet here I am
Again
Standing alone
Waiting
To be your
Last pick

My Oasis

by Andrea Tadpole

Lying here
In the pool
Floating
My body totally
Suspended
Weightless
And Free

Nothing matters
But the rhythm
Of the waves

I see the blue sky
Above me
Puffy clouds
Drift by

I am reminded
Of my first time
On the ocean
Seeing the white caps
Smelling the salty air
Watching the solitary
Sea gull
Completely at peace
In the middle of nowhere

I wonder do birds
Believe in God
Or do they just accept
Nature for what it is

They don’t appear to worry
About the things
That I do

They just drift
Alone on the sea
In middle of nowhere
Without a care

For a few moments
I become the sea gull
In my mind
Drifting
At peace
Relaxed
And free

Time is suspended
All the worries
Of this world
Dissolve away
I can float free

It doesn’t matter
If there is a God
Who is right
Or wrong
All that exists
Is my heartbeat
My breath

At one with universe
Alive and free
Its where I always
Strive to be
Yet it eludes me
Most days

So I relish
This time
Alone
Floating
On the water
Free
To just be

Then the silence of
My oasis
Is broken
By the splashes
And laughter
Of my granddaughters

I am brought back to
Reality
Reminded
It’s not just
About me
But about those
I love

Yet I know
Someday soon
I will return
To my oasis
To be free
And at peace
Once again

Music and Me

I have been on my own almost a year now. Times have been bad and times have been good. I have learned a lot about myself and I actually like who I am whether others do or not.

The one thing I rediscovered about myself has been my intense love of music. Music speaks to me in places no one else can reach. It speaks to every cell and I can do nothing but dance, no matter how stupid I look in response to it. Music has carried me through the darkest times in my life whether it be classical, pop, r&b, rock n roll or anything in between. Music has the ability to take me out of the doldrums and into a place of joy and peace. I know it sounds crazy for one with hearing impairment such as me to love a good song so much but I do!

Today I was having a down moment so at lunch I sat in my car, blasted the radio and lost myself in the moment. It still feels so good to just listen and let all the problems melt away with a good song :-)

To all my musician friends out there...thanks for creating such an awesome gift for music lovers like me!

My Response to a Gay Rights Debate on Facebook

I have read everyone’s banter back and forth about this subject and I have mulled it over in my mind for a while now. I call myself a Christian and by that I mean that I believe that Jesus was God who came in the form of man to the earth to redeem us. He was the ultimate sacrifice for us. He made that sacrifice because of who HE IS, not because any one of us could ever possibly get good enough to deserve it.

I was raised in what I call a Heinz 57 religion, a little bit of everything and all mixed up. I was told that I had sinned if I even as much as thought about committing a sin. Well, in that case I was screwed by the time was 3 years old. I hated my new little baby sister who screamed all the time and prayed God would take her away. Hell I have even fantasized about some really weird stuff that I will not share here so that would dam me to hell too. Not to mention all the different things I have participated in before I got clean and sober 25 years ago. I was told one thing after another by so-called holy men, pastors of churches. They supposedly knew the Bible and had a direct pipeline to God. They were skilled charlatans who could manipulate and pull any verse in the Bible out of context to suit their agenda. While at the same time, most of them were bilking people for money, having affairs and screwing their secretaries or trying to get in my pants when I got old enough. All this left me with a bad taste in mouth about religion.

Fast forward to 2003. I went back to college to earn my Bachelors in Fine Art. I had to minor in Art History. I had no idea how much art has played such a significant role in religion throughout history, especially in the Middle Ages. All of the education that I got and the research I had to do left me dumbfounded. Everything I thought I knew to be true about the Bible and Christianity is not at all what I was taught. I will not bore you with the details, research it yourself if you dare. I will simply say that the Bible has never been translated in its true form. There has always been an agenda behind how things are interpreted and translated. King James had his own political agenda and single handedly refused to allow some books to even be included in what is now accepted as the Holy Bible. He didn’t like what it said or something in it went against his agenda for political power. He actually used it as a form of propaganda. Oh and don’t get me started on the Catholic Bible. So, how does anyone really know that what we know as the Holy Bible is really what was written? The truth is we don’t.

Having said all that, here is where I stand on sexuality. We can banter back and forth. One side can shout we are right the other can shout you are wrong, but in the end we all have to face our own mortality and be judged by God and He is the only judge (assuming you believe what the Bible says). That being the case, who died and made any human being God? Who gave any human being the right to judge another? I do remember that there is a Bible verse that says “judge not lest you be judged.” Over the years I have come to realize that there is a lot more gray in the world than black and white. It is nobody’s business what sexuality an individual chooses but that individual’s. Debating whether one was born gay or straight is like asking which came first the chicken or the egg? What the hell difference does it make? The reality is there is an egg and chicken and we have to deal with it.

This world is a hateful non-inclusive place most of the time. People who march to the beat of their own drum (like me) and refuse to conform to society’s stereotypes are ridiculed and shunned. Why can’t we celebrate our differences instead of walking along like stupid sheep to the slaughter? I am not gay, I am straight. I like being with men. Does that make me bad? Does that make me an outcast or a slut? According to previous comments as sin is a sin is a sin so I would be a sinner dammed for hell wouldn’t I? Is my lifestyle choice any more or less a sin than that of a gay person? I don’t think so, I think that neither of them are sins.

I think the greatest sin in the world is to not love. Christ came and preached a message that people still don’t hear today…Love one another. He did not say love one another only if you’re straight or only if you’re monogamous or only if you’re gay. He simply said LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Is it really that hard?

Doubting Thomas

by Andrea Tadpole

The God of my understanding gave me the most beautiful picture of His love for me in the Bible. My favorite story is of Doubting Thomas. Thomas walked with Christ every day, knew him intimately. Yet, when Jesus came to him after His resurrection, even standing right in front of him, ole Tom said something like, "Yeah right, sure your Jesus, prove it!" Jesus loved him so much and understood his humanness and doubt such that He told Tom to go ahead a poke his finger in His side.

I am just like Doubting Thomas. I wake up every morning and stick my finger in His side to make sure He's really real. Jesus always laughs and tells me, "Go ahead and poke my side, I'm still here, I understand and I love you."

I have always thought that if my relationship with God is so precarious that I am afraid to question Him or doubt Him I need to find another Higher Power. See, God knows my heart. He knows every thought. He created me just the way I am with all the imperfections I have. Yet, He loves me, just the way I am; not because of who I am, but because of who He is. So, I will just keep poking His side every morning to make sure He is real.

Not Your Yo-Yo

by Andrea Tadpole

I’m not a trinket
You lock in a box
To pull out
When you’re bored
To get yourself off

I’m not your yo-yo
I’m not your toy
Not just something
To use
For your own
Selfish joy

Come here
Go Away
That’s the game
You play

You pull me close
Like a yo-yo
Snap me back
Down the line
Watch me twirl
At the end
And think
I’ll be fine

Yet you don’t see
What its doing to me

I’m a beautiful girl
With a passionate heart
Sensual and sexy
When treated
With love

So why do you
Play me
Like a stupid toy
Then when you’re done
Just give me a shove

You pull me close
Like a yo-yo
Snap me back
Down the line
Watch me twirl
At the end
And think
I’ll be fine

Yet you don’t see
What its doing to me

Can’t take the spinning
Don’t know which way to go

Come here
Go away
I’m tired of the game

I have no choice
I need relief
I cut the string
Now I’m free
No longer
Your toy

For My Daddy

For My Daddy

By Andrea Tadpole

One minute I'm working
The next my life is falling apart
The phone rings
Everything changes
Because of your broken heart

Nothing lasts forever
Yet I want to make
Time stand still

I cannot take more sorrow
But pain is at my door

Thoughts of losing you
Terrify me
Suck the breath from my lungs
Halt my beating heart

You are part of what created me
You gave me life
And loved me
Through the thick and thin

Your presence has surrounded me
With every step I take

We've butted heads
Fought
Cried
Yelled
And disagreed

Yet through it all
You've loved me
Become my guiding light
And closest friend

I know the day is coming
From this world you'll pass
Yet I want to stop the clock
And make each moment last
For you've always been my hero
My ever present rock

When your time is over
And I'm left here all alone
I hope that I remember
What you taught me from the start

That family is most important
Love them at all cost
Believe in those who are different
Who don't always fit the mold
Give of myself to others
Work hard
Play even harder
Never forget to laugh
Especially when I'm old

I've always been a daddy's girl
My hero you'll always be

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Easter 2012

By Andrea Tadpole

Easter is not about what church service you attend, what clothes you wear, or what you post about it on Facebook. Easter is about the sacrifice a loving Savior made for us on the cross and the miracle of His resurrection. He loved us in spite of ourselves. No amount of church services, nice clothes, or other arrogance like the pharasees had will buy ones way into heaven. Only the acceptance of His ultimate sacrifice holds the key.

I don't go to church because most of them are full of white washed tombs. They look good on the outside but they are dead on the inside. They wouldn't know Jesus if He sat down next to them and most would probably throw him out of the church.

I found Jesus again many years ago at the foot if my bed on my knees. I didn't need to go to a church to find Him. Even if I did go to one they probably would have thrown me out. Jesus met me where I was, just the way I was. He loved me because of WHO HE IS not because of me.

See, I believe He loved me just as much when I was face down in my puke passed out drunk as He does today sober for many years. He loves us all that way. We cannot earn His love, we must let it into our hearts.

So, when you get through with all your religious trappings and traditions today. Go home, take your nice clothes off and hit your knees at the foot of your bed. For it is in the quiet solitude and humility of your heart that you will find Him...closer than your next heartbeat. Oh and while your down there maybe you could stop and truly thank Him for the sacrifice He made.

Its Only You I Want to Hold

By Andrea Tadpole

Sitting in the silence
Watching thoughts of you
Float by

You've invaded me
Like a parasite
Viral and rapid
Impossible to deny

Was our meeting
By chance
Or divine appointment
From above

I cannot tell
All I know is
I cannot shake you
I've been conquered
By your love

I lay in bed at night
My imagination fired
Passions run wild
In the secret garden
Of my mind

It's only you
I want to hold

For My Granddaughters

By Andrea Tadpole

My grandma left this earth
Many years ago
Yet her voice and words are still alive
Deep within my soul

She taught me of integrity
And to always be true
To love and support my family
No matter what they do

I was young and dumb you see
And did not understand
The treasure God had given me
Right within my hands

My grandma's wisdom
Far surpassed her years
She did not mind speaking truth
Even if it brought me tears

While she was not perfect
Her love for me was strong and deep
She always said at night she prayed for me
And gladly sacrificed her sleep

I know that I'm alive today
Because of grandma's prayers

Now I myself am grandma
Almost fifty years of my life have passed
I understand my sacred task

When your fifty I won't be here
You'll be a grandma too
Will you remember
How we use to laugh and play
And all I taught you
Or will thoughts of me just fade away

I hope you don't forget me
And to each memory grab ahold
Tuck it deep inside your heart
For it is a treasure
Worth much more than gold
So many years from now
When I have gone away
If you need me I am there
Just sit still and listen

My voice and words are still alive
Deep within your soul
I love you forever
And I will never let you go

You Are Part of Me

By Andrea Tadpole

You are a part of me
You are the space
Between each breath I take
The reason my heart beats

Without you
Life was pointless and gray
With you
What can I say

You've given me a reason to live
Rekindled love in my heart again
What was once a dying ember
Is now a roaring flame

You are part of me
And will be
Now and forever

My Personal Vows

By Andrea Tadpole

Written 6/22/2001

I give myself to you unreservedly. I leave my old life behind and cleave unto a new life with you. As I embark on this journey with you I promise always to keep you in the forefront of my mind. I promise always to be loyal to you, even if that means personal sacrifice.

I will treat you with respect, dignity and gentleness. I will be there for you no matter what. When it looks like the world has walked out on you, I will be there right by your side. I will love you, encourage you, and support you in all that you do. I promise never to abandon you.

You do not always have to be strong and you do not have to do life alone anymore. You can rely on me. I will be a source of strength to you when you are weak.

I promise always to conduct myself in an honest and trustworthy manner, not only with you, but others. I promise to set special time aside to spend with you regularly. I promise to be attentive to your needs and feelings, I promise to listen to you even when we don't agree. When we do disagree I promise to “not let the sun go down on my wrath”. I promise to endeavor to live in a spirit of unity and compromise with you.

I give you my heart and all my love.

If I Died Tonight

By Andrea Tadpole

If I died tonight
Would you miss me
Would you have regrets
Things you should have said or done

Would you miss my smile
Crave my touch
In the very depths of your soul
Yet know that you’d never have it
That I’d never be there to hold

If I died tonight
Would your heart ache
And grasp desperately at any way
To cross the great divide
For just a second with me
With your arms open wide

Out of nowhere
Would you hear my voice
Calling out your name
Would you feel your heart leap
Maybe even look
Then remember I’m gone forever
I won’t be coming back again

Eternity is a long time
There are no overs
So why are you wasting your life
And why are you wasting mine

If I died tonight
How would you feel
Really
Stop for one minute and think
How would you feel

I guess I’m the only one that’s real
I live in the moment
I live in now
Sometimes that’s not pretty
Sometimes it’s not happy, joyous and free
It sucks
It’s just reality

See I understand
We don’t live forever
Today is all we have

If you need me
I’m there
I’ll listen
I’ll carry the burden with you
Because I know

If you died tonight
I’d miss you
You’re in my heart
Part of me would die too

If I died tonight
Would you miss me
Just asking
Just need to know
It seems like I'm not that special
Easily forgotten
Even easier to let go

I Have No Muse

NOTE: This was written several months ago. I am just now getting it added to my blog.

By Andrea Tadpole

I have no muse
I have decided

Maybe I’m wrong
I don’t know

Maybe it’s the whole world
The circumstances
That I find myself in
Situations that prick my heart
Make my soul bleed
Make me want to beg for breath

Maybe it’s the things that bring me
The greatest joy
And the deepest sorrow

Maybe it’s the events and moments
That I find so tantalizing to my mind
That I don’t know how to say it
Or put it into words

I’m an artist
I’m a painter
I’ve lost the use of my hand
I cannot paint reality anymore
I struggle so hard
I want more than anything
To paint what I see
Yet I’ve lost my voice
I’ve lost my brush

All I have left
Are mere words
And somehow
They’re not enough

To open up my heart
To put it on a canvas
The colors speak and say
What I feel

But words
They aren’t enough

And yet I keep trying to write
To show you who I am
If you would just read and listen
You’d see my soul
You’d see my heart
You’d see my mind

But why don’t you take the time
Why don’t you let me in

I feel like I’ve lost my muse
I know I did

His heart was beautiful
And strong and true
Eyes blue as the sky
Touch deep as the ocean
Kiss sweeter than any sugar on earth
Yet he won’t let me in
My heart is broken

So here I am once again
Writing a damned poem about it
That nobody will ever read
It doesn’t matter

So easily forgotten
That’s me
Always am

So I sit with my paper
And I write

No one listens
No one reads

Just silly words
Just stupid feelings
So much for me

I have no muse
What does it matter
Who cares what I see

I Am A Woman

By Andrea Tadpole

Do not try to possess me
For in the pursuit of me
You will lose me

I am not an object
To obtain
I am a woman
To experience

Do not try to rein me in
Or dress me like a doll
I’m not a trinket on your arm
Not just a hole to stick it in

I am a being
With a heart and spirit
I have a mind
I am alive

Do not try to contain me
For I cannot be subdued
Let me run
Wild and free

When you do
I will return
To the seat of your soul
Like your missing rib
I will be there
For you to have and to hold

But only if you
Let me be
Set me free
Give me breath and life

If you try to tame me
I will run
I always do

I am not a possession
I am a woman
A gift sent from above
For you

You Kiss Me

By Andrea Tadpole

You kiss me
And I dream about you
For days

Our eyes meet
My heart takes flight
All I can think of is you
Holding me
Through the night

I long for you
When you’re not near
A piece of me is gone

Your touch
Lingers on my skin
Your scent
I can’t erase

Everything about you
Your stature
Your face
Drives me wild
With insatiable delight

You’re my soulmate
My lover
My best friend