Gratitude Day 5 and 6

Gratitude Day 5 and 6

By Andrea Tadpole-Broussard 

The last 2 days have been full of distractions. Some were ones I did not create and others ones I did. I had to go to Oklahoma City to see my mother-in-law yesterday and that was hard. She is in her late 80s and I never know when it will be the last time I see her. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. 

One of my granddaughters has been sick with the flu and other stuff and it has kicked her butt hard. She lives 4 hours away and it is heartbreaking to me that I cannot run and take care of her. That in itself has been a huge mental distraction. I have been praying like crazy for her.

Today, I decided to stop everything and do what my heart needed. I set my Father's blanket of valor aside for a bit to work on my grandson's birthday present. He will be 4 on December 12th, 2 days after my 60th birthday. Yes, I will be 60...that is a story for another day. Anyway, I am making my grandson a quilt of the solar system because he loves the universe and planets and knows way more about them than I ever will. That was my intentional distraction because it made me happy and I desperately need happiness right now. Besides, I could hear my Father's voice telling me to get that done first for his beautiful great-grandson. So, that is what I did. 

I had just finished the part of the quilt that I had set out to do when my daughter sent me a song to listen to. It is called Red Bird by Huntergirl. I had never it before and it made the damn of tears that I have been holding back break loose. I have not forgotten about Gratitude Day 5 at all. Actually, it has been heavy on my mind. I have tried to find the words to describe how I feel. I decided that what I have to write is worthy of 2 days, Gratitude Day 5 and 6. If you have stuck with me this far please indulge me for a little longer.

On November 5, 2021 my Father was hospitalized for an infection. Little did I know at that time, that 3 months later on February 11, 2022 I would hold his hand and gaze into his beautiful blue eyes until he took his last breath and his heart stopped beating.

He was the greatest man I have ever known; the one I Ioved to hate and hated to love. We had a rocky start in my childhood, but he became my everything as an adult. He was my best friend and my safe place to land when the world got too crazy. Most of all he was my hero. When he died it broke me in places I never knew existed within me. I do not know if those parts will ever heal. Maybe they are not supposed to. 

All I know is, I was blessed with a beautiful relationship with my Father that never should have been. If you knew where we started from, me 23 years old and newly sober and him in his 40s. When I was a teenager we were eachother's battering rams. I wrote him off and blamed everything on him. Some years later, he called one evening out of the blue. He told me he could not change the past, that till his dying day he would regret the things he did. Yet, if I would just give him a chance he would try every day until he took his last breath to convince me that he loved me. And that he did. I knew and still know that my Father loved me deeply and I loved him. I also know that the love we shared never dies and that is what I hold on to.

The last 3 months I had with my Father were hard. Yet, there were funny, beautiful, sacred, holy moments that are etched on my heart and mind forever. I would work all day and go see him in the evening wherever he was. I never missed a day. He could not walk and before he lost voice he would call me and bark out orders to buy something he needed or some phone call I needed to make. I tried to do anything I could to make him happy.

I remember one time I was determined to get him in the bathroom and on a shower chair so me and my stepmom could bathe him. It had been a week or so since he had been able to have a good shower. I just knew if we could do that it would make him feel better. We twisted and contorted him and his wheelchair around. In the end, his bathroom was too small and we all ended up in a huge laughing fit over it. Laughter in midst of deep sorrow...go figure.

At one point he had emergency surgery to clean out the infection and at the same time came down with COVID. His surgery was late in the evening. I managed to get the guard to let me in the surgery waiting area even though it was closed. There I was, sitting in the dark praying. I looked over and the receptionist's computer screen was still on. Something told me to go look at it. I found a number on the computer to the recovery room, called it and spoke to a nurse. She said she would tell the doctor I was out there. Just as I hung up, the elevator doors opened right in front of me and there was my Father being wheeled by me on a stretcher. I got to yell, "I'm here Daddy! I love you!" He waved back. The surgeon came and found me after he was done. They sent him back to rehab. I continued to go every day after work, sometimes in the snow and sit outside his window to talk to him on his cell phone. I did not want him to think we gave up on him.

He made it through COVID, but the infection had went into spine before they caught it and he could not use his hands very good. So, I would go feed him dinner every night. I remember, he loved Oreo cookies and asked me to bring him some. I never knew that would be the last thing we would eat together. Every night after we ate, he would tell me he just wanted to watch TV and hold my hand. So that is what we did. When he started losing his voice we still held hands. I prayed with him before I left every night. 

One of the last things I remember him saying to me was in answer to my question of him, "Dad? Do you have your ticket to Heaven?" He answered, "Hell yes I do, many times over!! I love the Lord and He's my Savior!!" That gave me great comfort because I knew we would be together again someday. 

There were so many things my Father said with his eyes that never needed words. I never realized how beautiful his eyes were until that was the only way he had to communicate. The last few weeks he would not eat. All we did was hold hands and watch TV. I would give anything to sit and hold hands with my Daddy and watch TV again.

I heard Wynona Judd the other day speaking about losing her mom. She said something like she felt sorrow and joy at the same time. That is how I feel all the time. The depths of sorrow that I feel being here without my Father is like nothing I have ever felt. Yet, I know he is in Heaven in the presence of God. He free of his old, frail body and no longer in pain. That fills my heart with incredible joy.

Having said all that, for Gratitude Day 5 and 6, I am extremely grateful for the man God chose to give as my Father. I am also grateful and humbled that God chose me to spend the last 3 months of my Father's life with him so I could help lead him home. 

I love you my sweet Daddy! This is not goodbye, it is see you later. ❤️❤️❤️