I'm Not Taking the Fall

by Andrea Tadpole

Sitting here at a concert
Should be having fun
Yet all I wanna do is cry
The pain is so deep

I feel like my heart's gonna die

I know I did nothing wrong
Only offered love and support
Gave out of what I didn't have
Tried to show her a better way

Yet when she rebelled
Chose to live in hell
I could not reach her
She flew down so fast
It was too late

I know it's not my fault
I tried but couldn't stop her
Warned her
But she did not care
She rushed on into the darkness
Did it all by herself
To herself

Its over
I'm through

Now she has no one left to blame
But her own reflection in the mirror

It hurts to see her suffer but
I'm not taking the fall
For her insanity anymore

Gratitude

by Andrea Tadpole

Gratitude is not all the flowery words we say
Or how good we look on the outside
It's found in the silent places
In the stillness of our hearts
It's seen in the small unnoticed things we do for those in need
It's in the art of listening
In shouldering someone's burdens without reward or accolades
True gratitude is not a nostalgic feeling we have when we look to our past
Its a choice we make to love the unloveable
Those we meet along God's path before us
Gratitude is an action
A response to the grace God has given us
And evidence of the miracle
He has wrought within our hearts

Watching the Incense Burn

by Andrea Tadpole

I sat still today for a moment
And watched the incense burn
I remembered
That God is with me
And I am not alone

He is there
In the silent places
In the seconds
Between each breath
Ever present
Always watching
And He will never forget

He does not expect perfection
Never withholds His affection
Offers His protection
If I'll only stop to ask

He's a cool drink of water
On a hot summers day
A gentle kiss
A smile
A wink
A nudge
So simple
That I miss it
Is His ever present love

Just when I think all hope gone
When I'm broken and forlorn
He wraps me in His loving arms
To shelter me from the storm
He's my peace amidst the chaos
Always there to keep me warm
He reminds me that He sees me
He's there to dry my tears
And even knows my deepest darkest fears

So when my life is crazy
When I cannot make it through
When the path is hazy
And I don't know what to do
I'll sit still for just a moment
And watch the incense burn
I'll remember He's always with me
And I am not alone

Why You Stopped Loving Me

by Andrea Tadpole

I don't understand what's happening now
My life's coming apart at the seams
I keep thinking things will get better someday
Yet I'm forced to let go of my dreams

I feel like dying
Cannot stop crying
Don't see an end to the pain

I've lost all hope
All I do is mope
I am at the end of my rope

Can't shake the sorrow
For fear of tomorrow
I know I'll screw up
And you'll leave

I love you dearly
But I can't see clearly
Why its is you stopped loving me

So Easily Forgotten

by Andrea Tadpole

I don't understand
Why I'm so easily forgotten
Tossed out the window
Like fruit that is rotten

I thought you loved me
Held me close in your heart
My name ever present
From your mind never part

Yet when I'm not in
Your line of sight
Your thoughts of me vanish
Deep into the night

We promised to set aside
Time and commit
To invest in our love
And never quit

I was excited
Thought it'd be nice
To reunite and be free
Have fun
And just be

Yet when our time came
I was left all alone
To wait and wonder
If you'd ever show

All I wanted was an act of contrition
Just some sign
That you were on a mission
To make up for the fact
That you had forgotten

Yet I was treated
Like a mere object
You made sure to take care of your need
But you never had one thought
Of me

You climbed on and climbed off
And five minutes later
You thought in your head
Now she's happy
Maybe I can get to bed

But your were wrong
Don't you see
For one pity fuck
Doesn't set you free
It doesn't mean
I've forgotten

I guess when I'm dead
And gone someday
You can cry on my grave
For how you threw me away
Like wadded up trash

So easily forgotten

Distance

by Andrea Tadpole

He slowly moves away from me
Like a boat drifting out to sea

I jump in to try and reach the line
It slips away
I swim faster trying to catch up

The water surrounds me
No land in sight
Only a distant lonely boat
Carrying my love away

Sorrow
Pain
Confusion

Why is he leaving
What happened to our love

Was it me
Did I hurt him
I must have failed somehow

How I long for his warm embrace
To see his smile
His kiss
Our dance
 
He is the love of my life
More to me than anything
 
Yet he keeps drifting away
 
My arms and legs are tired
My heart aches
The water pulls me down
 
It hurts so bad I cannot breathe
Without him I am nothing
I have no will to live
 
The darkness of the sea overtakes me
If there is no more us
I cease to be

A Grandmother’s Lament

by Andrea Tadpole

NOTE:
I transcribed this on November 5, 2010 at 12:53am from a recording I found that I did on January 31, 2008 at about 1:45am after my grandson, Michael Aidyn Jude Zelsnack went to be with the Lord. I do not remember recording this and in the recording I was obviously completely emotionally distraught. The words are not edited in any way. They are raw, like the pain I felt that day. I hope you understand. ~Andrea~

Well, my little Mikey died today
I don’t even know what day it is
I think its like the 3oth, 29th, whatever
I’ll look on the calendar
Anyway, it’s 1:45 in the morning
It was actually yesterday

You know, I look at life some times
And I just don’t understand
I don’t
Everything’s just so fucked up

How do I tell Sedrick and Kiley to not lose hope
When they’re working so hard and being so good
And then everything bad happens
TO THEM
Their good people God

I got to find a place in my heart
To write about this little boy

I mess up and I get attached
I get attached so fast
Because I believe life begins at conception
And I believe that life is viable
The minute that little child is there and there’s a heartbeat
I don’t understand how people can say
That at this week or that week you’re not viable
I hate that fucking word
What does VIABLE mean anyways

How do you keep from losing hope
When everything looks so hopeless

How do you pick your foot up
And put it in front of you
And take the next step
When all your energy is gone

How do you smile
When your heart's broken in a million pieces

How do you have faith
When your faith hasn’t worked

There was this little boy named Mikey
I felt him kick once
I saw him in his mother’s womb
He moved around
He was lively
I saw a 3D ultrasound of him
And he looked just like his daddy
He did

How can he be alive one hour
And gone the next

How can you
How do you get past all the pain

I’m tired
I’m just so tired

I went today and I held my little Courtney
Cuz it gave me peace
I rocked her
And I listened to her snore
Cuz it gave me peace

I thought I would die when Zoey died
I watched her heart beating out of her chest
And I couldn’t make her live

Little Mikey didn’t even have a chance
I don’t know how to reconcile that in my mind
I don’t understand it

I don’t understand
I don’t have answers anymore
For anything

I’m broken hearted
I’m tired of going to see my grandchildren in a grave
When I should be the one in the grave
Not them
I can’t make anybody understand that

I don’t have any answers anymore
About anything
And I don’t even know if it matters

I gotta pick one foot up
And put it in front of the other
And keep moving
And I don’t know how
God I don’t know how

It’s like I’m playing the same song again
Only a different verse
And I can’t get out of it

God, this is just too hard
I don’t have no answers
And I hate it

Maybe I can find some words
Come on, think about it

Okay

I’m sitting here watching the minutes
Click on the clock

No,  try again

Sitting in the cold silence
Watching the clock tick
Minute by minute goes by

Dreading this job
That I know I have to do

Holding the camera
Knowing that I have to take pictures
Of the birth of my stillborn grandson
Dreading it with all my heart

Begging God to let me switch places
Begging God to bring his heartbeat back
Begging God to make my son stop hurting
And my daughter-in-law okay and whole

And yet I have no choice
And I have no control
And I feel like my prayers bounce back
And smack me in the face

How do I go on
How do I surmount this mountain of pain once again

I tell myself that he’s in Heaven with Zoey playing
Up there somewhere
But what exactly does up there somewhere mean

I’m so confused in my mind
And grasping at straws desperately

Maybe if we did this
Maybe if we did that

Thumbed through the Bible
Trying to think of that verse that says
Whatever is perfect and pure
And all that
To focus on that
I don’t even know how

The only little grandson
I’ll probably ever have
I didn’t get to see him laugh
I didn’t get to feel him
Warm and cuddly next to me

Somehow being up there in Heaven
Just ain’t enough right now

And yet I find myself
Clicking the camera
One picture after another

Desperately hoping that it’s not what it is
Hoping that the nightmare ends

And yet it still keeps coming
There’s no way out of it
Except through

I know I’ll make it
I just don’t want to

I’m tired
I want the trouble to end
I just want to have peace
I just want my family to be healthy and whole

I want Kiley and Sedrick to be happy
They deserve another child

I don’t know
I just don’t have the answers

Now I hear in my mind
Put your trust in Jesus
Rest in Him
God knows every little sparrow that falls
I know all that stuff
But somehow it just ain’t enough right now

I don’t have the answers
I’m lost and I’m tired
I just need some rest

I hear in my mind
Let the dead bury the dead
I don’t know what that means

Cuz my little grandson
He was a part of me
And I don’t know how to get past the hurt

I don’t have a poem left in me
I just don’t know
Maybe poems don’t have to rhyme anymore