Remembering Mikey Today

Today my little grandson Mikey aka Michael Aydan Jude Zelsnack would have been 8 years old. He was stillborn. A day does not go by that I don't think about him. Everytime I see a little boy his age I wonder what he'd be like. I love you Mikey you're always in my heart and never forgotten... Fly with the Angels my sweet little grandson!!

I wrote this for him a long time ago:

Ode to Mikey

by Andrea Tadpole

Born on a stormy sea of silence
His tiny life beyond my grasp
His spirit carried away on angel's wings
With all my hopes and dreams

I never got to see him smile
I never saw his eyes
I never felt his tender touch
Or listened to his cries

Waves of sorrow pulled me down
To horrid depths of grief
I feared I'd never reach the top
Breathe free or find relief

What was his purpose
Why was he here
Why was he meant to be
There had to be a lesson
If I could only see

Then I heard him in the silence
Calling out my name
Rise up, go home and live your life
Walk on amidst the pain

Take care of those I've left behind
Never let them go
Forgive them even if it hurts
And when your pride says no

Hold tight to God
Keep the faith
And then you'll see
That I am always with you
I am happy
I am free

Fwd: Writing for Zoey

I found this today....Zoey 

-------- Original message --------
From: Andrea Tadpole <atadpole@sbcglobal.net>
Date: 24/12/2006 4:09 PM (GMT-06:00)
To: seddysbride@aol.com, Elmer Tadpole <elmer.tadpole@nielsenmedia.com>, Elmer Tadpole <tadpolesplace@cox.net>, Bubba Tadpole <etadpole@cox.net>, Valeri Honafius <itsbreezyintexas@yahoo.com>, vtarrant@sbcglobal.net
Subject: Writing for Zoey

Hi All:

Apparently there was technical difficulties in the album I sent for Zoey. Here is the message I wrote to go with it. The album link was sent separate:

 

This last album contains pictures of the life of my beautiful granddaughter Zoey Ellen Zelsnack. She was born on 2/28/06 and lived for 11 minutes. Please use caution in opening this album around little ones as some of the photos are graphic in nature.

 

I would like to share my thoughts on Zoey so please indulge me for a moment – its my way of grieving:

 

At Thanksgiving dinner in 2005 Kiley and Sedrick announced to us all that they were pregnant. Over the course of the next few months our excitement grew. We were not only expecting Sedrick and Kiley's new baby, but Alicia was pregnant too. I was the proudest grandma you would know. Kiley sent me ultrasound pics as she got them and every day at work I would look at the latest one on my computer monitor. I imagined how the baby would look and was so excited, we all were. I prayed for what I called "my little peanut" and my other grandchildren every day as I always do.

 

Looking back, the day before Zoey was born was rather surreal. Kiley hung out with me all day, which was unusual, but I was thrilled since I love Kiley like my own. I remember I kept looking at Kiley and thinking how beautiful she was and how blessed Sedrick was to have her. What an exciting time this was going to be in our lives! Two newborns in our lives at once! We talked about the upcoming baby showers and planned and dreamed that day. Little did we know what was about to transpire.

 

The next morning I got the call to rush to the hospital. This day is now known to me as "the most horribly beautiful day of my life (I'll explain why I call it this eventually). As the day wore on family began to arrive and we embarked on this journey. We all prayed that God would intervene and save our little baby. I know that Kiley was terrified. Sedrick was such a wonderful, tender loving man with Kiley all the way through. He never left her side. Held her, whispered words of encouragement to her, cried with her, wiped her tears. I was in total awe of the love between the two of them, love that I rarely see these days. Love that I know will last forever.

 

Time seemed to stand still. The night seemed to last 100 years. We all held out hope that things would change.  Then God sent an angel in the form of a nurse to give Kiley the devastating news. Her baby would be coming and to prepare for the worst. I call this nurse an angel because she handled Kiley and all of us in an honest yet loving way. She has walked this road many years ago and knew exactly the words to say to Kiley and Sedrick. The kids asked me to takes the pictures when Zoey was born. Even though I knew what a daunting task this was, I considered it an honor to do so. I also know that it was God who took the pictures because I could barely see through all the tears.

 

I personally see these pictures as a celebration of the life of the tiniest little Angel I have ever known who etched her spirit in my heart forever. When she was born, the doctors stood there in amazement that she was even alive when she came out. The images are forever seared in my mind's eye. Her heartbeat was so strong and I know if she could have, she would have stayed here with us. Yet, that was not in God's plan. These photographs also represent the love of a family and its ability to pull together and hold each other up when a tragedy such as this strikes. So, please know that these photos were taken out of desperate love for Zoey so her memory would survive.

 

I am humbled by the memories I have of the two strongest and most beautiful young adults I have ever know....Sedrick and Kiley. The loss they have endured has been worse that any nightmare I have ever had, yet I have watched them keep trudging forward, sometimes gracefully and sometimes screaming and crying all the way. That's okay with me. Who wouldn't be devastated? No one ever said you had to live gracefully through tragedy; you just have to live in spite of it.

 

My favorite photos are two....one is of Kiley and Sedrick singing Jesus Loves Me to Zoey at her last moment of life. The other is of Zoey grabbing her mommy's finger with her little hand. Tell me there is no life at conception?? I am not buying it. The most beautiful picture of love was given to me in that moment. Someday when my heart can bare it I will paint this picture. For now, the tears are too heavy to even try.

 

The saddest thing for me this Christmas is not being able to hold Zoey. I miss her more than I know how to say. I can only imagine how Kiley and Sedrick must feel. If I could I would switch places with Zoey so they wouldn't hurt. We all grieve in our own way, and mine has been in silence with a void deeper than the Grand Canyon. I do not have the ability to "suck it up and move on" nor do I ever desire to be that callous. One cannot walk through this kind of event without being forever changed. I say this because I beg you all to please just love Kiley and Sedrick where they are at and help them ride the waves of emotion when they hit. If we keep pulling together and grieve together, the load we have to bare won't be as heavy.

 

I myself believe that I will never "get over" Zoey, nor do I want to. In her brief moments Zoey taught me about the most important things in life…..love and family. Zoey declared her love for us all by reaching out and grabbing Kiley's finger; by hearing her daddy sing and by fighting to live 11 minutes. This little teeny tiny girl manages to make us all stop our chaotic lives and gather together in a hospital room to witness the miracle that she was. Zoey taught me not to take people for granted and to cherish each moment because we don't know when it will be my last. I believe that Zoey is still among us in Spirit. She shows herself to me in the twinkle in Bella's eye, in Kaylee's infectious laughter and in Destiny's tenderness.

 

As I said before, the day Zoey was born was the most horribly beautiful day of my life. Horrible because I could not fix it, I could not switch places and give her life. Horrible because of the sorrow and pain I have seen Kiley and Sedrick walk through. Beautiful because I have watched a family lift each other up and weather this storm together. Beautiful because I was blessed to know Zoey and see her mighty spirit in that hospital room that day. Beautiful because Zoey will be in our hearts forever.

 

GeGe will never forget you Zoey. I will always love you until the end of time.

 

So, thanks for hearing me out and Merry Christmas everyone.

 

Love,

 

Andrea

 

P.S. Kiley, please forward to everyone you want and Sedrick's new email address as well...I don' know it.

Death

by Andrea Tadpole Broussard

Please indulge while I pour my heart out in words. It seems that's the only way I know how to release my emotions.

Today is January 11, 2016. January is a happy - sad month for me. Happy because my son's birthday is the 6th and one of my granddaughter's is the 23rd. Sad because my grandson Mikey died January 30th, he would've been 8 this year. My sister-in-law Rhonda died January 9th, 2 years ago. This year is even more sad because my ex father-in-law Mike Zelsnack whom I dearly loved died on January 7th and I just found out another friend in my recovery life died unexpectedly today. He was my age. I am stunned.

As I sit here I wipe the tears so I can see to write. My mind flips through all the family and friends who have made their transition to Gloryland. There's Dewina, Stella, Mike Z, Gina, my 2 grandbabies, my grandparents, George Gibbs, Harold Inman, today Mike B....the list goes on and on.

Mike B was a friend who I always saw at meetings. I remember his first meeting when his dad Delbert introduced us. I got the rare opportunity to watch the metamorphosis of recovery happen in him over the years. What a beautiful gift! He was a kind man with a gentle spirit who loved his wife Melody truly, madly and deeply. My life was blessed for knowing him. He will be greatly missed.

It's times like this that Heaven feels a million light years away. Yet, I know when I sit real still in the quiet I get a glimpse of Heaven in my midst and I realize it's only a breath away. Once in a while I feel the presence of a loved one who has gone on before me and I know they are okay. Then I can breathe and keep living for today.

I'm not a religious nut but I do read and know the Bible. When I heard of Mike B's passing today this scripture popped in my mind and I was reminded that my hope lies in Jesus:

1 Corinthians 15: 50-58
I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed - in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true:

“Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

To Mike B, his family, to all my family who have lost loved ones, to our loved ones in Heaven...my prayers are with you all. Death is not the end, it's a transition. Those who've gone on are the truly blessed ones because they're at God's throne. May they dance at God's feet until we meet again.

Tired of Being Belittled for Hearing Loss

Today I had to go meet a friend of ours at the local AT&T store to switch out a phone number for my husband. I arrived about 10 minutes before them. It wasn't too busy. I got signed in and the door greeter directed me to another young man at the counter on the other side of the store. The music was blaring really loud, so loud that I couldn't hear myself talk. So, I smiled and told the young man that I was sorry, I'm hearing impaired and I wear hearing aids. I pulled my hair away and pointed to them. I told him that I knew that the tone of my voice was off and I was probably talking too loud and that I was sorry but I couldn't hear myself talk over the music. He rolled his eyes at me and started trying to conduct business with me anyway. I again explained that the music was drowning my ability to communicate with him out and I kindly asked if he'd turn it down so I could hear myself talk. Again I reminded him that I knew my voice was off because I couldn't hear myself talk. He got angry with me and started yelling real loud at me that I didn't have to be rude. By then other customers were  watching this. I stood there embarrassed and fighting back tears. About that time a manager came out of the back and turned off the music and apologized. I asked if someone else could help me instead of the young man who had just publically humiliated me. He agreed and another young man came over. I observed the manager making the one that was so mean to me leave the sales floor altogether. All of this happened in a span of 5 minutes. I pulled myself together before my husband's friend got there so I didn't embarass him and we were able to get the business done.

No problem, right? After all I was able to get on with my task at hand. WRONG. I should be use to this and just shake it off, right? WRONG. I know I deal with things like this every day. People treat me horrible and are quick to ridicule and humiliate me all the time. They treat me like I'm stupid. All because they can hear and do not care about understanding hearing loss. Most days I do shake it off but today I don't have it in me.

For most people with hearing loss there is no one that understands at home to turn to. Most loved ones can hear and just don't understand why these types of things upset us. They think we should just cow tow and take this kind of treatment from people. It's that way for me too. I live in a hearing world and everyone thinks I'm the one that should adjust my behavior and just take it and be polite. Well, today I did do that and my heart is broke but there's nowhere to turn that someone just says I understand and it's ok.

I don't need to be told what I should've done or what I didn't do right or how it was my fault. I just need someone to hold me and let me cry because it's a selfish cruel world out there.

Rant over :'(

New Years Thoughts - Jan 1, 2016

by Andrea Tadpole Broussard

WARNING: Do not read this wrong, I'm NOT suicidal. I am very happy with my life in spite of the daily struggles of life. Having said that, sometimes when I think about all the loved ones I have in Heaven I often think that they are the lucky ones. They are at God's throne with no cares or worries. Sickness and sorrow is gone for them. Yet, I'm still here in the crazy messed up world trying to eek out a living and hang on to whatever job I currently have, deal with physical problems with me and family still living, whatever life throws at me, etc ad nauseum. I get all wrapped up in focusing on all the problems and lose my focus. When I get like this I have to make myself stop and breathe. I have to force myself to focus on the small joys (which are actually huge ones) like my grandchildren and their laughter, the unconditional love of my dog and cat, the awesome man I call my husband, the fact that I'm one day at a time headed to 30 years sober this summer, coffee with a good friend, and the list goes on in my mind. When I shift my focus to this I start to remember that God is still here and taking care of me and my loved ones. Even in spite of a more often than not cruel world God has and still does carry us all through.

As my sponsor and dear friend Gail Langston always tells me, "Turn the magnifying glass around and magnify God instead of the problem. Make God one inch bigger than your problem." I struggle to do this daily but when I do I get glimpse of Heaven right before me in the eyes of angels who appear out of nowhere to help. I always say that God is so slow yet somehow always right on time. I just have to trust Him and never stop praying.

I have family and friends who are dealing with heavy issues and problems right now. These things are out of my control. They weigh heavy on my mind and heart. All I can do is pray, the reality is that prayer is the best thing I can do. Believe me when I tell you I'm praying...I AM PRAYING. It's not just a nice post, I mean it. So, I've rambled here in this post but I hope those in my inner circle understand that I have not forgotten you. I'm still praying. God has not forgotten you. Magnify Him and not the problem. Trust Him. I love you guys!!