Nov 27, 2014

My Response to Ferguson

I'm fed up with all the racial slurs, bullshit posts and name calling from EVERY RACE right now concerning Ferguson and the whole issue surrounding races in the US today. So, I'm going to say my peace and if you don't like it, feel free to unfriend me. I don't really care anymore. Part of this is from a comment I just made on another post so here goes:

I agree that there have been MANY horrific atrocities done in the past in this country. Native Americans were systematically exterminated. I have ancestors in my family line of Cherokees who died on the Trail of Tears. African Americans were enslaved and treated inhumanely. It was horrible. There are other races who've been persecuted too. I agree IT WAS WRONG. It breaks my heart that anyone of ANY COLOR has been treated like that. ALL LIVES MATTER. However, I cannot change the PAST. I can only live in the present and make choices TODAY that will hopefully  change the future.

I read post after post, some of my friends, shouting down with whites and others yelling down with blacks. All this does is feed the evil corroding thread of violence in our nation today. Some people scream stop racism and apologize for the race they are all in the same breath. So how does that stop racism?  To me, it just keeps the hatred going.

I REFUSE to apologize for the color of my skin. I don't expect anyone else to apologize for theirs either. I "look" white but I have Native American ancestors and I'm Irish, Scottish, Dutch and German that I know of. Just because I might look one color or the other should not matter in this world.

If everyone would stop whining about and wallowing around in the past and move on things would get better. I'm sick of people saying how bad one race or the other is. Enough is enough. Let it go. Instead of sowing into the hatred, maybe try sowing into unity and harmony. Instead of rioting and protesting why not start in your OWN home and every day lives to embrace our differences instead of apologizing for them? Enough is enough.

In the words of the late Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along?!"

Nov 22, 2014

Gratitude November 2014 Day 21

Gratitude November 2014 Day 21

by Andrea Tadpole

I am tired today. Long day at work. I'm grateful simply for another day above ground :-)

Nov 20, 2014

Gratitude November 2014 Day 20

by Andrea Tadpole

Today I am grateful that I actually love myself today. For the longest time I hated myself and as a result I allowed people into my life who tore me down. Today I don't have many friends, but the ones I have build me up and I do the same for them. If I had not learned to love me first those friendships would of been impossible.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 19

by Andrea Tadpole

Today I am grateful for the gift of writing.  Having the ability to put my feelings and thoughts into words has saved my sanity and life many times over in my life. It's given me a way to paint pictures with words. Some beautiful,  some not so pretty. All in all though, when I look back in my writings I am reminded of where I've been and what I've lived through. It allows me to see the hand of God ever present in my life and in the lives of those I love.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 18

Today, November 18th is my mother's birthday. I know it's selfish, but I'm grateful my mom is still alive. I hope and pray the doctors can relieve her pain and get her back well in the upcoming surgery. I hope I can see her soon. I miss her deeply.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 17

Today I am grateful for the gift God has given me of having a sense of humor. Laughter and the ability to see the hilarity and absurdity in life has carried me through the tough times.

Nov 16, 2014

Gratitude November 2014 Day 16

With the cold weather outside today I am grateful for a home with a warm bed, warm clothes and shoes,  a decent car, good food to eat, and a man and family and friends who love me and I them. There are many people alone on the streets and cold today. I've been there. It's a tough and hard road. So grateful for the life I have today.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 15

I was not feeling well Friday and Saturday so I didn't write my Gratitude for day 15. Here it is, I wrote it to my sweet Andre:

I'm laying here remembering a time when I had the flu and I was all alone. I didn't have anybody that cared enough to check on me or sit with me. It was one of the worst times in my life. I felt like an insignificant speck in the vast universe. Today you and I have each other. It is so comforting to know that you're the one person in the world who will always be there for me just like I will always be there for you. I'm still feeling a little bad. Fever comes and goes. I read and think it's from the pneumonia vaccine. It makes me feel better to know that you'll be home soon and I'm not alone anymore. I love you more than I have words to say! <3

Now that's what I am grateful for!!

Nov 14, 2014

Gratitude November 2014 Day 14

by Andrea Tadpole

I'm not into country music but this song touched me like no other. It made me think of my own mom, Alice Tarrant. She not well right now and in Florida way too fat away from me. I love her so much. Her birthday is this Tuesday and I wish I could be there. I miss her deeply.

I thought of my daughter, Alicia Zelsnack too. She became a mom at barely 16. She chose life for her daughter Destiny when she didn't have to. Now she's the mother of three beautiful girls. She is the most awesome loving and compassionate mother and woman. I admire her. She has no idea how beautiful she is. That makes her radiate beauty even more.

Last but not least, I though about my "other mom, my step mom Linda Tadpole. We are kindred spirits. We are both artists. From the moment I met her I knew we met in another lifetime somewhere. I love her deeply.

So, tonight day 14 of my Gratitude list, I am greatful for all the strong, compassionate,  loving women God has blessed me with along life's journey. My life would so incomplete without them.

Garth Brooks - Mom - Live on Good Morning Americ…: http://youtu.be/cRduDpZ52UA

Nov 13, 2014

Gratitude November 2014 Day 13

People might think I'm crazy but the one thing I'm grateful for today is Google. I have a new job and this job has stretched me beyond belief. The things that I've been asked to do on the computer with different software packages were daunting. Some of it I had no clue how to do. But, like I always do when I'm faced with a challenge, I prayed and asked God to show me what to do. Then I consulted the Oracle aka Google. One search led to another and then there it was the answer to a problem that I had. I'm so grateful because I was able to impress my boss and feel a little more secure about my new job. I'm praying that I get to keep it for a long time.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 12

Today I am grateful for peace of mind. When I was young my mind raced nonstop and I worried about things continually. I was thinking that it's been a long time since my mind raced and what a blessing that is.

Nov 11, 2014

Gratitude November 2014 Day 11

Today I am grateful for a warm, comfy bed to sleep in. There was a time in my life when I didn't have one. The streets are hard, especially when it's cold.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 10

When the economy went belly up a few years ago I was without a job for 4 years despite having a college education. I pretty much lost everything material. The only thing left was the love of family and friends...the thing that really counts. Those were scary times for me. I've always worked since I was 14 years old. When I couldn't find a job I didn't know what I was going to do. Yet God carried me through. Today I am so grateful for a good job!

Gratitude November 2014 Day 9

Today I am grateful for my sobriety.  Without it I would have been dead long ago. I would've missed out on so much. Today my life is better than I could've ever imagined it.

Nov 8, 2014

Gratitude November 2014 Day 8

Finally! I'm caught up with my Gratitude list. I have had this one on my mind all morning.

Today I am grateful for my son, Sedrick Zelsnack. For a couple of years Sedrick and I were estranged. I missed him deeply and prayed every day that God would bring him back to me. In April he came home. I have no words to describe the joy it gave me to have him back in my life! Life has not been perfect since then. We have faced some tough problems together and not always agreed but we did it TOGETHER. Life is too short to spend it no talking to ones you love so much. Before you know it, you turn around and they're gone. I thank God every day now that I have my son back. I love you Seddy!

Gratitude November 2014 Day 7

I was driving home from work today and stuck at a stoplight. I looked over and there was 3 women standing on the sidewalk in a circle holding hands and praying. It occurred to me that there are places in this world where a person will be imprisoned or killed for doing that. I am so grateful that I live in a country where I have the freedom to pray in public like that. Don't get me wrong I'm not a "religious" nut but I am a spiritual person and I believe in the power of prayer. Most of us take our freedom for granted here in this country. I'm grateful for that today.

Nov 7, 2014

Gratitude November 2014 Day 6

Wow I just realized I missed day 6 on the gratitude list so I'm going to do that one now.

Today I am grateful for my daughter Alicia. She is the light of my life. She's the mother of three beautiful girls who I love deeply too. Alicia works hard and loves deeply. She's an awesome mother and daughter. In her adult years she has become my best friend and I thank God for the beautiful gift that she is to me.

Nov 5, 2014

Gratitude November 2014 Day 5

Today has been a tough day for me. My anxiety level was skyrocketing. I've had lots of things on my mind. Some bad, some scary and some good. Change, any kind of change good or bad is always difficult for me. It gets me spun up inside. When I get like this its hard. I want to shut down and not breathe till it passes. Yet I know the best thing to do is reach out to ones who understand. So that's what I did.

I am so very grateful to two friends (you know who you are) for talking to me today. I'm also grateful for the love and understanding my man Andre gave me. I went and hung out at my dad's for a little while tonight. It felt so good. We didn't have to say a lot just watched TV.

Just knowing that I have family that loves me,  a man (soon to be my husband) that cares for me in spite of me and friends who willingly walk this sometimes crazy journey with me are more precious to me than anything money could buy. I am forever grateful for all of them.

Nov 4, 2014

Gratitude November 2014 Day 4

Sometimes I surprise myself. I found this writing I did last year on November 23. It made me stop in my tracks. It seems apropos to repost it for my Gratitude writing today:

Gratitude Day 23: Tonight I need to purge my mind for a few so please allow me to do so here. Sit back, relax and read. Hopefully it won't be too out there ;)

Anyway...I had an odd day today. In my mind I had it all planned out: go help Andre clean his restaurant; eat lunch; get my granddaughter Destiny; go to the mall; get nails done and shop around a little and go home. All went as planned till I got done with my nails. Then an unexpected opportunity arose to go to far south Broken Arrow to get a surprise for my daughter and granddaughters. Did that and on the way back got a call from Andre at the restaurant to run to the store for him to get some last minute items for tomorrow's Route 66 marathon breakfast downtown where he works. So I hauled ass back to Tulsa got his stuff and ran to Sapulpa and gave my daughter and granddaughters the Wii game system I got for a steal. They were thrilled with it! Then I took me and Destiny out to eat. Whew!! What a long crazy day!

I finally got home a little while ago and I realized I hadn't written my Gratitude thing today. Those of you who know me realize that I don't like the word gratitude. I especially hate meetings that have the topic of gratitude for discussion. The main reason is because most of the crap people say they are grateful for (me included) has nothing to do with gratitude. I mean who isn't grateful for material success? Anyway like I said, I was thinking about what to write on my list today because I made a commitment to myself to do the Gratitude thing every day this November whether I liked it or not.

So, I was soaking in a hot bath thinking about my day. It occurred to me that even though my day was different from what I had planned, it was ok. That's not normal for me so I realized something good has happened inside of me. Maybe a little bit of selfishness has died...well one can hope.

Then my mind went back to thinking about about gratitude. I drifted back to a meeting I was at one day years ago. The topic was gratitude. I was sitting across the table from a friend of mine named Dewina. I will use her name now because she's in heaven with the angels. She was blind and she had a leg amputated, all from diabetes. I remember sitting here trying to think about what I could say I was grateful for. I heard myself think, "Boy I'm grateful I'm not in her place! At least I have two legs and I can see." Then a voice as loud as a megaphone went off in my head (I assume it was God). It said to me, "WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH GRATITUDE?!" It stopped my thinking in its tracks. I realized being "grateful" I didn't relapse like that person or have cancer or some other crisis like someone else was nothing more than being selfish and judgemental. If I'm truly grateful then my actions will show that. Gratitude is not a feeling it's an action, a verb.

I sat there that day and I watched my friend Dewina laugh and share joy and love with everyone. I remembered when I met her the first time at a meeting with my best friend whom I sponsored at the time. It was one of her first meetings. She was one of those women that I thought was hopeless and could never make it. Yet here she sat all these years later; still sober in spite of all the physical hell she was going through. Still doing all she could to bring joy to people. And I realized what a blessing it was to know her. She died a few months later.

I wrote a poem after that about gratitude. It was inspired by Dewina. I have been so blessed to sit in meetings day in and day out for years with the most beautiful spiritual giants I have ever known. Dewina was one of them. So tonight I am posting the poem at the end of my diatribe that I wrote, in honor of Dewina and countless others that God has blessed me with on my path. I am forever indebted to them for my sobriety.

GRATITUDE

by Andrea Tadpole

Gratitude is not all the flowery words we say
Or how good we look on the outside
It's found in the silent places
In the stillness of our hearts
It's seen in the small unnoticed things we do for those in need
It's in the art of listening
In shouldering someone's burdens without reward or accolades
True gratitude is not a nostalgic feeling we have when we look to our past
Its a choice we make to love the unloveable
Those we meet along God's path before us
Gratitude is an action
A response to the grace God has given us
And evidence of the miracle
He has wrought within our hearts

Nov 3, 2014

Gratitude November 2014 Day 3

Before the day gets away from me I will give my Gratitude for the day. Today I'm grateful for phones. If it weren't for phones I wouldn't be able to talk to my mom and hear her voice. She's not well right now and it weighs heavy on my heart. She lives in Florida and I'm not in a position to be able to go see her. If she were here I'd take care of her. At least we have the phone and can connect that way. Please pray for her healing.

Nov 2, 2014

A Grandmother's Lament

by Andrea Tadpole

NOTE:
I transcribed this on November 5, 2010 at 12:53am from a recording I found that I did on January 31, 2008 at about 1:45am after my grandson, Michael Aidyn Jude Zelsnack went to be with the Lord. I do not remember recording this and in the recording I was obviously completely emotionally distraught. The words are not edited in any way. They are raw, like the pain I felt that day. I hope you understand. ~Andrea~

Well, my little Mikey died today
I don’t even know what day it is
I think its like the 3oth, 29th, whatever
I’ll look on the calendar
Anyway, it’s 1:45 in the morning
It was actually yesterday

You know, I look at life some times
And I just don’t understand
I don’t
Everything’s just so fucked up

How do I tell Sedrick and Kiley to not lose hope
When they’re working so hard and being so good
And then everything bad happens
TO THEM
Their good people God

I got to find a place in my heart
To write about this little boy

I mess up and I get attached
I get attached so fast
Because I believe life begins at conception
And I believe that life is viable
The minute that little child is there and there’s a heartbeat
I don’t understand how people can say
That at this week or that week you’re not viable
I hate that fucking word
What does VIABLE mean anyways

How do you keep from losing hope
When everything looks so hopeless

How do you pick your foot up
And put it in front of you
And take the next step
When all your energy is gone

How do you smile
When your heart's broken in a million pieces

How do you have faith
When your faith hasn’t worked

There was this little boy named Mikey
I felt him kick once
I saw him in his mother’s womb
He moved around
He was lively
I saw a 3D ultrasound of him
And he looked just like his daddy
He did

How can he be alive one hour
And gone the next

How can you
How do you get past all the pain

I’m tired
I’m just so tired

I went today and I held my little Courtney
Cuz it gave me peace
I rocked her
And I listened to her snore
Cuz it gave me peace

I thought I would die when Zoey died
I watched her heart beating out of her chest
And I couldn’t make her live

Little Mikey didn’t even have a chance
I don’t know how to reconcile that in my mind
I don’t understand it

I don’t understand
I don’t have answers anymore
For anything

I’m broken hearted
I’m tired of going to see my grandchildren in a grave
When I should be the one in the grave
Not them
I can’t make anybody understand that

I don’t have any answers anymore
About anything
And I don’t even know if it matters

I gotta pick one foot up
And put it in front of the other
And keep moving
And I don’t know how
God I don’t know how

It’s like I’m playing the same song again
Only a different verse
And I can’t get out of it

God, this is just too hard
I don’t have no answers
And I hate it

Maybe I can find some words
Come on, think about it

Okay

I’m sitting here watching the minutes
Click on the clock

No,  try again

Sitting in the cold silence
Watching the clock tick
Minute by minute goes by

Dreading this job
That I know I have to do

Holding the camera
Knowing that I have to take pictures
Of the birth of my stillborn grandson
Dreading it with all my heart

Begging God to let me switch places
Begging God to bring his heartbeat back
Begging God to make my son stop hurting
And my daughter-in-law okay and whole

And yet I have no choice
And I have no control
And I feel like my prayers bounce back
And smack me in the face

How do I go on
How do I surmount this mountain of pain once again

I tell myself that he’s in Heaven with Zoey playing
Up there somewhere
But what exactly does up there somewhere mean

I’m so confused in my mind
And grasping at straws desperately

Maybe if we did this
Maybe if we did that

Thumbed through the Bible
Trying to think of that verse that says
Whatever is perfect and pure
And all that
To focus on that
I don’t even know how

The only little grandson 
I’ll probably ever have
I didn’t get to see him laugh
I didn’t get to feel him
Warm and cuddly next to me

Somehow being up there in Heaven
Just ain’t enough right now

And yet I find myself
Clicking the camera
One picture after another

Desperately hoping that it’s not what it is
Hoping that the nightmare ends

And yet it still keeps coming
There’s no way out of it
Except through

I know I’ll make it
I just don’t want to

I’m tired
I want the trouble to end
I just want to have peace
I just want my family to be healthy and whole

I want Kiley and Sedrick to be happy
They deserve another child

I don’t know
I just don’t have the answers

Now I hear in my mind
Put your trust in Jesus
Rest in Him
God knows every little sparrow that falls
I know all that stuff
But somehow it just ain’t enough right now

I don’t have the answers
I’m lost and I’m tired
I just need some rest

I hear in my mind
Let the dead bury the dead
I don’t know what that means

Cuz my little grandson
He was a part of me
And I don’t know how to get past the hurt

I don’t have a poem left in me
I just don’t know
Maybe poems don’t have to rhyme anymore

Gratitude November 2014 Day 2

Today I am most grateful for my father, Elmer Tadpole,  Jr. While he and I started out rough and locked horns early in life, as an adult he has become my best friend. He is my hero in so many ways. He has taught me a lot in life, especially to love and help those that are less fortunate than myself. He has always been the one that fought for the underdog even when people didn't understand why he did it. Today I understand. My father is also a veteran. He served in the US Navy. That makes me very proud. I love you daddy!!

Nov 1, 2014

Taken By Surprise

Once in awhile, right in the middle of the chaos of my life, God takes me by surprise. Right when I least expect it, He allows me to witness the most beautiful metamorphosis. It's always happens on the day that I am wound up all inside about my problems and my pain. It's always on a day when I feel depleted and as if I have nothing left inside of me to give. I think God does that to remind me that it is His work, not mine and I'm a mere spectator in the miracle He's about to perform. When it happens it always brings my life to a screeching halt for a few sacred and holy moments.

I had such an occurrence today. In honor of the tradition in AA of anonymity I will not use the person's name. She knows who she is. I will tell you though, that I witnessed a beautiful, young woman embrace Step 3 today. Both of us had our days planned out, yet God had another agenda. I sat and watched her spirit unfold like a beautiful flower and I saw God touch her face. It took me back to the first time I did Step 3 so many years ago. It reminded me of what a miracle each of us are and what a sacred gift our recovery is.

Today will be forever etched in my heart. I am humbled that God allowed me to be the one to pray the 3rd Step Prayer with her. Once again, I stand in awe of the Creator and His deep love for us all.

Gratitude November 2014 Day 1

Last year I made it a point to write something I was grateful for every day in November in honor of Thanksgiving. I have decided to do it again this year. Since it is November 1st today this my first day to write.

I will start off with the one thing I am most grateful for in my life today. It is not really a thing it as a person and that person is my fiancé Andre Broussard. We are going to get married on Valentine's Day next year. I am the happiest girl in the world.

I don't see marriage as the final destination, I see it as a public declaration of something that has happened between our two hearts in private. I only hope our wedding is a celebration of the love we have found in each other and the life we build with together day by day.

I don't think that life is supposed to be perfect. If it were it would be boring. I don't believe that people are perfect either, especially when they're in a relationship together. However, Andre is the perfect man for me. We have been through good times, bad times and very devastating times together in the last 2 years. Yet we have always stood together through it all.

Andre is man of character and he is intelligent beyond anything that I could ever be. He is wise beyond his years and he has taught me to look at life in a positive way. I don't know why but for some reason he loves me in spite of all my insecurities, warts and bruises. See, to the outside world I look strong, but Andre is the only one that sees my weakness. Even then, he picks me up when I am down and carries me if needed. I always try to do the same for him. Like we always say to each other....TEAM WINS!

Andre has instilled a sense of hope in me again. He has brought back my smile.

I am so grateful to God for giving me Andre. He is a rare and precious jewel to me. I am proud beyond words to be his woman and someday soon his wife. I only hope that I can make him feel as proud to be my husband.

I love you more Andre!  <3